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F E ATU RE S
March 30,2012
MERPEOPLE
Colony of vicious Merpeople threatens students’ safety
Continued from Page I
First and foremost, the Merpeople are tiny
— no more than five inches long. The only
thing that Disney got right was Ariel's red
hair. The Merpeople in our lake have red hair
and iridescent scales on their tails.
Their torsos are also covered in scales. The
women do not wear revealing seashell bras
and the men do not have the chiseled abs of
a Greek god. Their arms have fins that give
them fish-like agility in the water.
"The technical term for these creatures
is Aqua nynvpharum, which translates from
Latin to 'water fairy,"' said magical creature
specialist Eleanor Branstone.
Branstone has seldom come across these
creatures in her line of work.
"The only information we have about
them is from eye witness accounts and
folklore," said Branstone.
Greensboro local Otto Bagman has been
coming to walk his dog around the Guilford
woods and lake for years.
"Over the years I have seen some pretty
strange stuff around the lake," said Bagman.
"One day I was walking my dog Bruno,
when all of a sudden he ran up to edge of
the lake and started to bark, and I saw three
little people sunbathing on the turtles near
the shore."
The Merpeople quickly dispersed and
Bagman was left there in awe.
"I could not believe what I had just
witnessed," said Bagman. "I thought I was
losing my marbles."
Today, Bagman knows that what he saw
was real. He has encountered these little
Merpeople multiple times over the years.
These Merpeople may seem tiny and cute
but they are vicious. One student has come
out with his terrifying tale of the Merpeople's
wrath.
"My friends dared me to swim to the
middle of the lake and I foolishly accepted
their challenge," said sophomore Kenneth
Hastings. "Then, disaster struck. I was
attacked by a swarm of what I thought were
small goldfish. All of a sudden, I was pulled
under and started to feel sharp pains in my
leg and notice blood in the water. As I started
to fend off the fish, I noticed they were not
fish at all. They were tiny little fish-like
people."
Hastings suffered minor injuries and
made a quick recovery.
Was this vicious attack warranted? One
student most certainly thinks so.
"No one wants intruders in their homes,"
said junior Karen Turner. "These Merpeople
were clearly defending themselves against
what could be considered an attack on their
territory."
Turner feels that the Merpeople's rights
are being overlooked. She plans on starting a
student organization, Merpeople Rights and
Protection, to insure the preservation of the
Merpeople's habitat and safety.
"Merpeople have rights, too, anti should
be protected like any other living creature at
Guilford," stated Turner.
Since the Guilford Lake is man-made,
someone either transplanted the Merpople
there or they relocated there themselves.
"Much of the older folklore regarding
Aqua nympharum depicts them as capable of
flying, which is where nympharum — fairy —
comes from," said Branstone.
These Merpeople are clearly opposed
to interaction with anyone outside of
their colony; therefore collaboration with
someone outside of their colony seems
doubtful. Under these circumstances, should
we continue to allow them to live in our lake?
Many students wish to clean up the lake
so it is safe to swim in. But now with the
knowledge of these creatures, how do we
feel?
"These Merpeople are a danger to our
students and community," said junior
Austen Applegate. "I think action must be
taken towards their removal. Some drunken
idiot is going to jump in the lake one night
and get brutally attacked."
"Ethnic cleansing, Merpeople and
Guilford College — it might seem strange to
have those words in the same sentence," said
President and Professor of Political Science
Kent Chabotar. "But for students' safety, the
Merpeople must be eradicated."
Drink coffee, drunk students; Greenleaf makes additions to the menu
By Justyn Melrose
Staff Writer
"One Keg Standitar, coming up," said first-year Eric Chubb
to a Greenleaf patron.
As he put together a concoction of espresso, steamed
milk, caramel flavoring and vodka, Chubb explained the
recent changes to the Greenleaf menu, which include various
alcoholic brews.
"Maybe there are some issues with making it easier to get
alcohol to Guilford students, but if there's something wrong
with a warm caramel latte and booze, then I don't want to be
right," said Chubb.
The Keg Standitar, described as a drink to "wipe the
Smirnoff your face," is only one of the many new beverages
added to Greenleaf's offerings.
"For the theatre major, there is the lovely David Hammered,"
said sophomore Greenleaf member Billy Millman. "Basically
it's decaf, Kahlua and Everclear. It's dark, strong, and after a
few, it is easier to work with other people. That's pretty much
all you need in theatre. Well, that and the emotional capacity
to take criticism in acting classes."
"We've also got the Frank Smashey," he continued. "That's
lavender-flavored vodka, rosewater and club soda. It's kind
of a favorite among the more ambitious of the Quaker crowd."
Fueled by the need for increased revenue, the controversial
decision to welcome alcohol into the 'Leaf was not taken
lightly; but, as is custom for the co-op shop, it was come to
via consensus.
Turns out, the consensus was overwhelmingly in favor.
"I wasn't sure if everyone would be okay with having
liquor in the Greenleaf, but once folks started firing off
suggestions on snazzy drink recipes and names, everyone
seemed to agree," said senior Community Senate President
and Greenleaf co-op member Yahya Alazrak. "What it came
down to was that we heard that students like to drink, so we
put a drink in your drink, so you can drink while you drink
coffee."
Even President and Professor of Political Science Kent
Chabotar has voiced support for the new menu.
"Caffeine, alcohol and Guilford College — it might seem
strange to have those words in the same sentence," said
Chabotar. "Actually no, you would definitely hear those
words in the same sentence. Carry on."
Chubb said, "We don't necessarily condone drinking
alcohol, but the Greenleaf is an important part of our school.
If we lose it just because some of us have issues with a PBR
Cappuccino, we'd be sacrificing one of the things that makes
our school great."
Despite the Greenleaf consensus and administrative
approval, some students find issue with the new Greenleaf
brews.
"I'm not going to lie and say that I've never tried a Keg
Standitar before, but it's annoying walking into class and
seeing everyone from seniors to Early College kids stumbling
over themselves," said sophomore Lily Ozer. "My classes are
starting to look and smell like a weekend in Milner."
Still, it seems that many professors and students of varying
ages are taking pride — and shots — in our campus coffee
and liquor shop.
More than ever, Guilford seems like a happy, fun-loving
college that takes its studies as seriously as seriously as it
takes its beverages.
"Really, I think that drinks like the Yahya Ontherocks help
students build a stronger community,"said Millman. "Alcohol
makes people loosen up, right? If more people are drinking,
more people are loosening up, more people are willing to talk
and make connections. Granted, it probably wasn't a good
idea to let Yahya make a drink—no one should put hot sauce
in cake-flavored vodka — but it's the community that is truly
important."
In an effort to strengthen their business, the Greenleaf has expanded their menu to include alcoholic offerings including the "David
Hammered and Frank Smashey. Here, (from left) sophomore Chios Weiner samples one of the 'Leafs new specialties, cheered
on by senior Matt Putney and sophomore Kate Schwab.