Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / March 29, 2013, edition 1 / Page 15
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OPINION march 29, 2013 7 Pros vs. cons of roplacing all troos witli mist fountains BY HANNAH WALLER STAPfWwm As you stroll through campus, you hear the playful bubbling of fountains. A warm beam of sunshine makes a rainbow aura through the cool mist in the air. Students in bathing suits laugh and dance through soothing mists of water. This is the vision of the Guilford College campus that administrators hope to move toward: a magnificently fountain-filled campus. “The student body's response to the proposed fountain outside Founders Hall was overwhelmingly positive," said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar. "We thought, why not take it a step further and replace the trees on campus with fountains?" Guilford students are often forced to "hang out" aimlessly, lounging in the grass or against trees. The Guilford administration's plan to establish a series of fountains on campus is a solid remedy to this problem. "Students need more places to hang out on campus, so we're giving them fountains," said Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. "When people see fountains, they think, 'this is where I want to hang out.'" The budget-conscious student need not worry as the fountains will be built at no extra cost to Guilford students. With Guilford's plan to sell the lumber from the trees replaced by fountains, the water features will practically pay for themselves. Another benefit of the aquatic scheme is the positive impact it will have on cell phone service and wireless internet, the unreliability of which is annoyingly familiar to most Guilford students, faculty and staff. "Finally getting rid of all those pesky trees will greatly increase the efficiency of wireless and cell signals on campus," said IT&S worker Anne Sparks. Like the previously proposed water feature, the fountains will be designed in the natural-looking style of a Harvard fountain, preventing them from appearing out of place on Guilford's natural campus. In order to blend the fountains into their surroundings, the proposed design includes jets and streams of water spurting from the eliminated trees' stumps. The natural look of the fountains will be in keeping with Guilford's "green" appearance while adding a dignified sense of elegance and stature that trees simply cannot achieve. Some members of the Guilford College community have concerns about the fountains being too ostentatious, making Guilford seem pretentious and pompous. Kent Chabotar sees this as a non-issue. "You can call us assholes, just don't call us fountainless," said Chabotar. "The fact of the matter is schools these days are judged by their fountains. Guilford can no longer afford to go fountainless if we want to keep up with reputable academic institutions." The plan is a bold one, certairdy, and any plan so bold is bound to attract some strong negative reactions. However, if students, faculty and staff approach the proposal with open minds they will see that virtually no bad can come of it — only aesthetic appeal and a plethora of fun hang-out spots for Guilford students. c.iusmg (8faggaflbgiafe>!h5TOgtafl[pg|pefllgEBP^ gnarnfagligpatsip. BY LANE MARTIN SfAffWRITfR Guilford College is a place known for its devotion to academics, its friendly atmosphere, and soon its lavish water features. Students outraged by the recent foimtain plans will have more complaints in the coming weeks as Guilford lays out its new plan to remove every tree on campus and replace them with formtains. Not only will this renovation destroy the natural aesthetic of the school, but it illustrates a deeper, more sinister element rmderlying — many of the recent additions to the campus. 'The lumber we sell from the old trees will be funding our new fountains," said President and 6ofessor of Political Science Kent Chabotar. "More importantly, these additions will go a long way toward making the campus both more visually appealing as well as giving us a much more modem look." This decision is the most recent in a long line of aqua-centric "improvements" Guilford has been pursuing. This not only includes the Founders fountain, but also The Quakeria fish tank and the countless projects surrounding the lake. All of these damp renovations beg a very important question. Why is Guilford so obsessed with water features? "They're serving their hidden masters: their fish fuhrers," said hobbyist fisherman and alumnus Tim Thompson '83. "IFs clear who the college wants to impress, and it's not alumni and iFs not students. They're bowing to pressure from the aquatic oligarchs that run the place." Thompson has been fishing in this area for years and has suspected that the local chum was up to something. "You can call me a blowhole, just don't call me a kook," said Thompson. As crazy as it may soimd, the idea of a secret ruling council of marine monarchs might not be all that far-fetched. It would certainly be appropriate given Guilford's reliance on values like stewardship or community. "I love the treatment we've received since moving in," said Fincent Glabmore, a local resident of the fish tank. "Administration has provided us with a great place to live and acquiesced to all of our demands." Other fish declined to comment, though some expressed concern over recent fish sacrifices in The Quakeria. It is rumored that these sacrifices aim to appease the great Cthulhu. With or without student outrage, these fountains are going up. Soon Guilford's campus will be a wet and wild fishy theme park, ready to support groupers, marlins and even the lowly human students. 'This is a question I'm just getting tired of answering," said Chabotar. "I am not now, nor have I ever been, associated with any schools of fish trying to conquer humanity by any means necessary." As glorious as a future of water bursting from every possible place may sound, this could not be a more dangerous decision. Qever clownfish may start their empire here, but it will not take long for their reach to grow. "I, for one, won't stand for it," said Thompson. "Those fish took everything from me. Took my wife and kids, took my job and now the/re taking my alma mater!" The aquatic overlords are coming and I do not welcome them. : they’re what’s for lunch and dinner Have you noticed some missing fish in The Grill fish tank? Where could they possibly be going? The answer may lie within you. In order to save money, the fish in The Grill fish tank will be used to supply the popular demand for sushi on campus. Although I am saddened to see some of these fish go, I think putting our resources into use is a great idea. "I heard talk throughout the tank that this would happen, and I couldn't be happier," said Earl the Eel. 'There are some fish in here that I can't stand and would be happy to see go." For some, ^s might sound weird and ridiculous, but the faculty and staff felt it was necessary to grant students their long lost wish of having fish from The Grill fish tank used in their sushi. BY BRITTANY MURDOCK Sta^pWritir "I have spent a lot of time eating lunch and dinner in The Quakeria and Grill. I couldn't deny the fact that the conversations between students was the longing for the fish in the tank to be used in their sushi," said Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. "If this is what the students want, we will find a way to make it happen." Sophomore James O'Neill couldn't be more excited about the combination of avocado, cucumber and aquarium fish smothered in soy sauce. "I can't wait to eat Nemo's brothers and sisters," said O'Neill. "If I thought the sushi was good before, the fish from the tank will make it 10 times better." Our very own sushi maker, Zhang Wei, was apprehensive about the idea at first, but quickly came around and realized that the days of hauling large salmon onto a cutting board will be long over. "Although I have gained muscle and lost about 40 pounds just by hauling the large fish onto the cutting board every Tuesday, I am happy to be dealing with smaller fish," said Wei. "I get emotional when I have to kill them, so I make sure my eyes are closed when it comes time to cutting them open." As Guilford uses its resources for a beneficial and tasty cause, some fish in the tank are disturbed by the new sushi options. "Tm pissed," said Nemo's cousin Remo. "Usually I'm the one laughing at people because they have cheese hanging from their face, and now they are going to be laughing at me because I'm so small and will probably get eaten. You can call me tadpole, just don't call me an itty bitty fishy." Guilford isn't the only place where aquarium fish are making their way into sushi rolls. Jiro Ono is ranked as the best sushi maker,in Ae world, and he too uses fish from his own aquarium to make sushi for his restaurant in New York Gty. "I get aU my fish from Petco," said Ono. "Who knew fish so cheap, coxild taste so good?" The days of getting fish fresh from the ocean are long gone. Aquarium fish that have been swimming in a grimy, bacteria- infested tank is where iFs at.
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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March 29, 2013, edition 1
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