SPORTS
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PiiMclOK praf Jeff Jasin Riwnls ki inlliiiMiir HIIU Init
BY JOSH BALLARD
Heaoune King
Mixed Martial Arts has always been a gentleman's game.
The style originally consisted of two men squaring off by
regaling each other with monotonous stories for days on
end until one of them fell to the ground from boredom or
exhaustion. As the sport evolved, the bouts became more
physical with the implementation of more complex moves
like eye gouging and hair pulling.
Dana Professor of English Jeff Jeske draws from both of
these grand MMA traditions.
Jeske, known as a skilled orator and teacher on Guilford's
campus, won his first professional MMA fight against British
fighter Albert "Oxford Coma" Oxenfort.
Jeske, a tall and intimidating fighter weighing in at around
123 pounds, defeated Oxenfort in an astonishing two rounds.
"I've never seen someone so old move so fast and with
such ferocity too," said Dana White, president of the UFC, the
largest MMA promotion company in the world. "It was a real
treat. First he was a sinkhole, lowering Oxenfort's defenses
with his anecdotes. Then Jeske blindsides him with a powerful
knee hit to the cranium. I've never seen anything like it."
However, Jeske chalked up his victory to a foolish move by
Oxenfort himself.
"You can call me a sinkhole, but don't call me Jeffrey," said
Jeske in the post-fight press conference. "The bullies back in
grade school called me germy Jeffrey. It's not even alliteration!
So every time someone calls me that. I'm transported back to
those squandered uses of literary flourishes."
The sports world was astonished by his victory and
everyone scrambled to learn Jeske's pugnacious technique.
"It all started in the late 1970s, whicTi as you know, was a
pretty wild time," said Jeske during one of his 5:00 a.m. walks.
"I just saw all the injustice in the world and wanted to fight
against it. So, I decided to take up the wonderfully fulfilling
field of journalism and the martial art of Romple. That way I
could fix problems with both my words and my fists, kind of
like Superman."
Over the next 40+ years, this veritable Superman would take
what he learned in both journalism and Romple to develop
his own unique Style, dubbed "AP style" after the particularly
dangerous and unforgiving style guide for newspapers.
"AP style incorporates and is influenced by a number of
unique styles," Jeske said. "The most prevalent are romple,
macrame, panla-ation, kick punching, ballroom dancing,
taekwondo, journalism and h5q>nogogy."
"Jeff Jeske is literally puhhhhfectl When he won, we let
ourselves be excited for a moment, and then we were like 'okay,
let's go, we'll do this and this and win the MMA championship
Uf
Rebecca Gibian, editor in chief of The Quibbler and Jeff's
trainer
However, Jeske also has critics, chief among them
Princeton's Associate Professor of English Ernest "Bulldozer"
Butcher, another academic entering the world of MMA.
"I've said it once, and I'll say it again. That plagiaiistic
pugilist stole my fighting style and says iPs his!" Butcher said
in an interview. "I won't sit idly by and let him do this. I'm
calling Jeske out. We will fight one day, and I'm going to take
him down."
"Bring it on," Jeske told ESPN's Bob Ley in response to
Butcher's comments. "If he has a problem with, me, well,
tough tarantula. He's the one who's going down."
Swimmers dive into lake, must face crocodile teeth
BY SYDNEY HAWKINS
Staff Writer
Swim coaches have taken drastic
measures to make sure their athletes swim
at record performance during practice. From
threatening upside-down push-ups to adding
a great white shark and massive crocodile to
the lake, coaches will not stop seeking peak
performance.
Head Women's Swimming coach Emily
Wilson and Athletic Director Tom Palombo
think that using the lake as the practice pool
for the team will help the team's dramatic
improvement over the past two years.
"The lake is cold, and the swimmers will be
frightened of whaPs inside," said Wilson. 'The
goal is to get out of the water as soon as you
can."
Due to lack of funding, lane lines are all we
can afford.
'There just isn't enough money to build a
new pool, so we'll buy lane lines and put them
across the lake instead," said Palombo. "It's the
perfect size too."
Junior swim captain Kendra Medina is
hesitant but has high hopes for the new "pool."
"I'm nervous because everyone says the
lake is dangerous with snapping turtles, but
I'm always open to try new things for the
team," said Medina.
IPs true the lake has gotten dangerous for
swimming in over the years. Due to pollution,
the water is incredibly mucky.
"We encourage first-years during orientation
to stay away from swimming in the lake, so
it seems counterintuitive for us to allow the
swim team to practice in it," says sophomore
Orientation Leader Byron Hamilton.
Controversy over whether or not the lake
will be safe for the swimmers is a concern
for students. However, Wilson and Palombo
remain confident.
"You can call me jerkhole, but don't
call me stupid," said Palombo. 'This is all
experiment^. If at any point the swimmers
feel unsafe or if something happens to them,
they can change their practice location."
Coach Wilson has a differing opinion.
'The point is for them to get faster and better
by using the lake," said Wilson. "The water is
filthy in the lake, so when they're in a dean
pool, they should go faster. The swimmers
will also be afraid of getting devoured. Like I
said, the desire to get out of file water will push
them to improve."
Some of the team remains skeptical.
"I just don't think iPs a good idea to put the
swimmers in danger," said first-year Jocelyn
Gesner. Of course I'm willing to by it, but we
have enough injuries on the team as it is."
Although there isn't unanimous support
for this idea, the team trusts their coach and is
willing to try using the lake as their practice
pool.
Maybe with the extra money saved, we can
afford a personalized Horse People fountain.
These signs will be posted around
the lake to warn students, who may
be lulled by Guilford’s new attitude
towards marijuana, NOT to enter
the lake under any circumstances.