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NOT GUILFORD WWW.GUILFORDlAN.COM New Ukrainian President 2 Chainz shines like trophy BY ADITYA GARG Head of pr for President Chainz Political and social unrest. Civil strife. On the brink of all-out war. Enter 2 Chainz? Following Ukrainian President Viktor Yanxikovych's removal from power, former rapper turned social activist 2 Chainz (formally known as Tauheed Epps) has been appointed interim president of Ukraine. It is not your everyday situation in Ukraine, but that is no challenge for 2 Chainz, who boldly proclaimed, "I'm different, yeah. I'm different," in an interview with The Guilfordian. "It's a different day, different escapade," he said. Although the rise of 2 Chainz represents a move away from traditional metihods of presidential selection, 2 Chainz has made clear his intent to unify the nation. "You know, man, these people, man... a lot of 'em, a lot of 'em going nowhere fast man," he said. "1 call dat 'treadmillin' — you feel me? They at a standstill man." Among his top priorities are bringing a new culture and identity to Ukraine, modernizing its fashion industiy and putting a renewed focus on athletics — particularly basketball. Initially reluctant, the Ukrainian people are beginning to welcome the change. "It is a breath of fresh air," said Ukrainian college student Anton Boyko in an interview with The Guilfordian. "As he was riding around my side of town, I saw a man confident and with the ability to lead this nation. He inspires us." In a press release from the White House, both President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry congratulated President 2 Chainz and expressed optimism in his ability to lead the nation and halt Russia's advance into Crimea. "Can you feel the momentum shifting?" Obama asked in an interview with The Guilfordian. "2 Chainz has been riding around and he's getting it — he understands the sentiments of the Ukrainian people." Wheninvited to address concerns regarding 2 Chainz's prior political experience, Obama declined to comment. Others, however, have raised questions and doubt regarding the interim president's ability to perform in this position. "2 Chainz might bring more attention and excitement to Ukraine, but he simply does not have the ability, intellect or experience to rule Ukraine," said Earl Conyers, a former friend of 2 Chainz. "He is an entertainer, not a bureaucrat." Larry Brooks, an analyst at the Brookings Institution, expressed similar sentiments. "Two golden chains and a pair of baggy jeans and shoes can't run a country," said Brooks to The Guilfordian. "If they wanted a celebrity in charge, at least they could have asked somebody who has some experience with leadership." Evidence suggests that there is more than a grain of truth to these scathing attacks on 2 Chainz. Moody's Rating Agency and Standard & Poor's have both downgraded Ukraine upon hearing the news of 2 Chainz's appointment. Christine Lagarde, managing director of the International Monetary Fund, was hesitant to comment on Ukraine's future condition. "2 Chainz may count money all night, but I don't know about counting everything in Ukraine's treasury," said Lagarde to The Guilfordian. Such criticisms have weighed heavily against 2 Chainz, who began liis 175-year term as president on Monday, March 3. He has already received more death threats than his predecessor, Yanukovych, did during the duration of his term. 2 Chainz's only response: "I do this for the people — if I die, bury me inside that Louis store." Kanye West tweet of ‘OveitiearEt at Guilford’ Facebook post? CAN YOU GUESS ‘EM ALL? BY ROBERT PACHECO TEAM Captain 1 ."I hate when people email you and ask 'You wanna know something?'" Of course, but why are u torturing me by spreading this to more than 1 email." 2. "Those waffles taste like porn stores." 3. "I*m sick of Ghosts. 'Ooo Vm scary/ Prove it then." 6. "I love everybody... only thing I don't like is taxes ... me and taxes gone fight." 8. "We need scientists and top world designers to directly affect governments." 4."If I was a shorty, I would love it if my parents went to PHUKET for vacay so I could keep pronouncing it wrong on purpose in front of them." 5. "Of course the quiz question is not in the book." 7. "Hark, the herald angels sing, shop at Jared's and buy some bling." 9, Germany you're gonna eat pretzels the size of thigh»masters/' 10. "I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next 2 me like dh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle." snzaa;i^ -qx 'iajssajQ au^[XjAj *6 ■'uBiqsepaB^ uy\[ -g xepAj 'ug *9 ^eqBg-nog 'xsa/w-^ 'f 'aircqjeuag saXq ‘£ 'subuq ®iqsX[Bqg ’Z '9Xue>} *x Djibouti muscles way to spotlight BY SUKYUN CHUNG Resident Travel Writer New threat to America is... Djibouti? Every so often, a nation and its people rise above the rest to claim the status of gods, dictating all major events in the relevant world. The U.S. has comfortably held this title on its own for the past 30 years. Every so often, a nation and its people wrestle that throne away from these gods, cementing their own place as the kings of the world. Enter Djibouti. "(Djibouti) is starting to look really scary on paper," said Assistant Professor of Economics Natalya Shelkova. "It is one of the most economically advanced countries in the world at the moment and is only going to get bigger." Djibouti has seen a sudden surge in the international markets due to the relocation of many American and Chinese factories to Djibouti. Kraft Foods Group is one of many such companies to relocate. "When people see the 'made in Djibouti' label, they turn tlieir heads," said Kraft CEO Tony Vernon in an interview with The Guilfordian. "Our products stand out to consumers, and that gives them an edge over other products made in the U.S. or China." Jimior Diji Tobu recalls noticing the change. "I used to drink Juicy Juice exclusively, but I saw a pack of Kraft's Kool-Aid and thought it was the most unusual thing for something to be made in Djibouti," Tobu said. "I ended up buying the Kool-Aid, and now I only get Kool-Aid," he added. "It feels really awesome to be drinking juice from such a funny word." Djiboutian President Ismail Omar GueUeh looks to expand militarily into the neighboring countries of Ethiopia, Eritrea and Somalia in order to accommodate the increasing demand for Djiboutian land. "We expect about 300 to 400 troops to take care of Ethiopia and another 300 to 400 to sweep through Eritrea," said Guelleh in an interview wdth The Guilfordian. "Somalia is the only cotmtry we expect any trouble with, but 744 troops ought to take care of them." When asked how he would deal with the United Nations' inevitable response to the aggression, the president seemed fairly confident that Djibouti would come out on top. "Just don't tell them," said Guelleh. Djibouti has sights set on taking down other world powers. "I have it on very good authority that we are about to launch a top secret massive attack on the U.S.," said senior and Djibouti native Tljo Budi. "You Americans will never see it coming. "We won't stop there either," said Budi. "I have it on very good authority that we are planning to invade China, Western Europe, Russia and Japan as well." As the supremacy of Western powers come to an end, the Horn of Africa looks to usher in a new era — an era wherein E^ibouti reigns supreme.
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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