Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / March 28, 2014, edition 1 / Page 14
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Pines back to American values, support oil & landfills BY MICHAEL CASWELL BirdmaN) Esq. Tired of leaving campus to fill up your fine automobile with gas? Well, have no fear. The Pines is here. That's right. The notoriously environmentally friendly sustainable living theme house has had a change of heart. After reaching an agreement with British Petroleum, The Pines will now be a theme house/on-campus gas station. But the change does not stop there. Pines resident and sophomore Lily Collins believes that the gas station is just the tip of the iceberg. "After our meeting with BP, we feel that th'4lS^e ' ehdlesV opportunities for the future of The Pines," said Collins. So, what else should we expect to see? Pines resident Marek Wojtala said that The Pines will start utilizing on-campus resources. "We hope, within the next couple of months, we can begin off-shore drilling in the Guilford College Pond and do some fracking in the Meadows, maybe even some clear-cutting of the Guilford Woods," said Wojtala. > When asked why The Pines decided on such drastic change, Collins said that the idea was simple. "We came together in a house meeting a few weeks back and decided that all this environnientally friendly and: sustainable living stuff was gibberish and just a passing fad," said Collins. "We want to make bank." How could this impact Guilford? Could it end in tragic oil spill that wipes out the Guilford goose population? Could all the clear-cutting clear out the beloved squirrel population? Or will this make life easier for all students? Sophomore Adam Ferguson believes it could benefit the campus in a lot of ways. "I don't have a car so I don't care about gas, but if they sell Marlboro Reds and Miller High Life 40s, I'm down," said Ferguson. Junior Trent Evans, however, believes this gas station could ruin the campus. "I live in Cobb House, so I will be right next to this pile of s—t," said Evans. "I don't want some gas station bringing down my property value and increasing crime rates." The gas station will be built by the end of the semester and will be fully operational by summer — just in time for students to enjoy their favorite beverage, Pabst Blue Ribbon, which will be available on tap. The name of the station will be 'Timer Light Gas and Beverages." Collins believes this is the start of a new era for Guilford. "It's about time we got back to our traditional America values of entrepreneurship," said Collins. "Go oil and go America!" Dressier: professor, novelist, fairy queen BY ANTHONY HARRISON Staff Drunkard Recently triple-tenured Assistant Professor of English Myl^ne Dressier captivates her students with her genuine enthusiasm for literature and her seemingly boundless energy. However, her liveliness and beauty now have an explanation. Dressier recently announced to numerous classes that she is, in fact, an immortal being — specifically, a fairy. "My bounciness is not necessarily from my career as a dancer, and my immaculate skin is not just the result of good genes or wearing sunscreen," Dressier said, waxing back her butterfly wings. "I'm actually a wood nymph." According to her memory. Dressier came into being near Mycenae, in what is now modern Greece. "My mother is Titania,* Queen of the Fairies," said Dressier. "My dad, a satyr, ran out on us soon after I was bom, and I've never met him. But, I grew very close to Mom. "She's said my father was Pan, but I think she just told me that to make me feel better." During her time in ancient Greece, Dressier discovered her love for language. She helped transcribe both "The Iliad" and "The Odyssey" for the blind Homer and also gave constructive criticism to Sappho for her poetry. Over the millennia. Dressier had been known by many names — among them Gloriana, Tanaquill, Galadriel and Maybelline — but she apparently came into prominence thanks to Edmund Spenser's epic poem, "The Faerie-Queen," when she was characterized as Belphoebe. "My adolescence was a crazy time," Dressier laughed. "I fell in love with King Arthur's squire, a mortal named Timias." Sadly, the romance did not last. "He was gone all the time, off with his boss to find the Holy Grail or some other nonsense," said Dressier. "Oh yes, and then he died." While she relished the fame and recognition Spenser's poem brought her. Dressier decided to shrink back from the limelight. "I got mobbed in public, and letters poured in constantly," Dressier said. "And when you're dealing with people who barely comprehend the English language, it becomes pretty tedious." It wasn't just fan mail which poured in, though. Dressier also got hate mail from the Church and its most pious supporters. "For so long, I kept my identity secret because fairies have often been considered malicious or demonic figures," said Dressier. In her self-imposed exile. Dressier kept up with her devotion to language and writing. "I try to be modest, but I've got to admit: over the couple thousand years I've been alive. I've written at least three hundred novels and I don't know how many thousands of poems and short stories," Dressier admitted. "Honestly, I've probably lost more writing than I've written." In recent years, since people have become less wary of the supernatural. Dressier feels more comfortable with her identity. "I felt the need to be honest to my students and colleagues," Dressier said. "I could maintain that a fitness regimen keeps me energized or a certain lotion or creme makes me look so radiant, but I'm sick of the lie. "I'm sorry, but I was born this awesome." The interview finished in her mind. Dressier flitted away on her fairy wings.
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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March 28, 2014, edition 1
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