Gerald Saiiit
The Fool Moon
Giand Duke
Charles Rains
Vol. CIXVII
Albemarle Rehabilitation Center
April 1, 1965
Rudolfendorff Invades Webbland
GRAND DUKE is shown with War Minister and Prime Minister
overkx>ling battle.
Second Division Tallies
Major Strategic Victory
By SANDAL VAN OKRA
The Second Division of the
Grand Rudolfendorffan Army
scored a major victory here today
in driving out Webbland from this
key vehicles testing grounds.
Led by Gen. Sir Ronald Swan-
ner, 1965 winner of the coveted
KKK Good Sportsmanship Award,
the Rudolfendorffian Army staved
off a second half comebacic by the
enemy infantrymen. The opposing
forces succumbed when Major
Steven R. Vanderburg succeeded
in capturing Sally L. Efird, Webb
land National Merit Heroine’s
Medal winner and commander des
ignate of the Third Webbland
Scholar’s division. Vanderburg,
who on occasion works under the
alias Count S. T. Payne, stated
that unless he obtains from her
“information pertinent to the im
minent encroachment on the part
of the opposition upon any terrain
owned or occupied by our forces,”
he would contmue to hold her for
Ransom. Miss Efird was quoted
as saying, “Someone is violating
my constitutional rights.”
Reports attribute today’s victory
to vast amounts of information
supplied by the impavid master
of espionage, Agent 00982, who is
in fact Col. Ned Hammond, who
spent a great deal of time in the
capital of Webbland, Office-on-the-
Hall. At the close of his investi
gation he was found out, but he
R. Forces Suffer
Heavy Losses
Rudolfendorffian forces sustain
ed enormous losses after a sui
cidal assault upon the strong west
side of the webbland defenses,
liiis maniacal attack by the 13th
division led by “Mad Man” Buck
Snuggs received losses of nearly
100 men after racing into the point
blank fire of small arms and ma
chine guns put up by the 1st di
vision led by that swastwckling of
ficer Lieutenant Gary Furr who
took the command from Command
er Bobby Overcash. Overcash
was relieved after an acute case
of battle fatigue.
Colonel Snuggs who refused to
head to the warnings of his aides
marched into the hail of bullets,
his men armed only with sabres.
The Rudolfendorffian forces finally
broke and beat a hasty retreat,
but the "Blood Thirsty” Snu^s
remained in the battle still finng
his revolver and shouting curses
at the foe until he was run over
by a Wel^land tank.
was fortunate in escaping with his
wife.
Only O’ne casualty of any conse
quence was reported, and this was
in the Webbland ranks. Third Dep
uty to the Fouth Assistant Res
cuer Chuck Morehead inadvertant
ly dropped his world-famous teddy
bear, “Ralph” (affectionately so
named for his brother Ralph Mann
Morehead, Webbland Secretary of
the Posterior). The incident oc
curred as Morehead was rushing
to the aid of PLC (Private Last
Class) Gerald "The Banjo” Bea
ver. Beaver had become delirious
as the cruel war was raging, and
began throwing away autographed
4”x5” glossy prints of Burney,
which is the major source of reve
nue for the impecunious Webb
land government. After “The Ban
jo” had played out, Morehead re
turned to find Chaplain James
Gantt hovering over the multi-
lated body of “Ralph.”
Samuel Truette, War Minister,
was reportedly “greatly impressed
by the 100% effort displayed by the
Rudolfendorffian charges in gar
nering such a victory over the
Webbland aggregation.”
Coley Captures
North Wing
Eugene Coley, a powerful lead
er of Rudolfendorfian forces, sin-
gle-handedly took the north wing.
Shooting his way into the en
trance, he hacked his way into the
various sectors of his objective
with an old Bavarian sabre made
of heat-resistant Terry cloth given
to him by Paul Ahdul of Ellis. The
bold Coley, wounded 12 times by
Webbland bullets, collapsed soon
after he had captured the north
wing. He died afterwards from
loss of blood. His body was dis
posed of by Calvin Pembleton.
“His body burned very well,”
stated Calvm afterwards.
Duke Scribbles
For The Birds
As if anyone really cared, it
was announced Wednesday that
Grand Duke Charles II has been
under consideration for the
Pulitzer Prize for literature with
his book of poetry A Sparrow
Falls Sweetly In Yon Field. The
book, which was published
through the government printing
office, is considered a colossal
success. According to reliable
sources, over a million copies
have been printed and at least
some have been sold.
The announcement was made
by Charles Lefler who knew it
by heart.
WDNCSCC
Demands Halt
In Fighting
The Western District North Caro
lina Student Council Congress de
manded earlier today that a cease
fire be called in the war between
Rudolfendorff and Webbland and
that negotiations be immediately
begun for a treaty. The demands
were made by George Krichbaum,
president of the Congress in a
speech delivered to the guiding
committee of the Congress, the
Bluebirds.
Walter Smith, Prime Minister of
Webbland sent a letter immedi
ately to the WDNCSCC stating that
he was in full agreement with Mr.
Krichbaum.
Charles II of Rudolfendorff sent
his special aide Heath Godfrey to
the office of Mr. Krichbaum to pro
test the WDNCSS’s meddling in af
fairs that do not concern it. In
an official press release' by the
Rudolfendorffian Press Agency,
the duke was quoted as saying,
“The Duchy of Rudolfendorff is a
peace-loving nation defending it
self against the vicious aggres
sion or Webbland. This is a mat
ter which does not concern the
WDNCSCC and for this reason Ru
dolfendorff will no longer co-oper
ate with this organization until it
withdraws it suggestion and apolo
gizes to Rudolfendorff.
As yet Krichbaum has made
no reply.
Taylor Attacks
Webbland Troop
Considerable guerilla fighting oc
curred at the East entrance, soon
after the major engagement took
place between the Webbland and
Rudolfendorffian forces. The Ru-
dolferndorffian Rangers under the
command of Colonel Thomas Tay
lor made several “hit and run”
assaults upon the east entrance,
defended by the 36th Special Guard
of Webbland, commanded by Joe
Rabon. Considerable losses were
received by each side yet f'le Ru-
dolfendorffian forces supported by
light artillery and machine gun
fire dealt much more damage up
on the desperate Webbland troops.
It is reported that the Rudolfen-
dorffian attack will be reinforce.)
soon by several tank units, need
ed desperately after the 22nd Ru-
dolfenaorffian armored division’s
disastrous defeat on the plains
tennis courts by the Webbland
anti-tank forces at the beginning
of the crisis.
Rand-McNally
Is Confused
Rand-McNally reported earlier
today that it is having trouble
finding the Duchy of Grand Ru
dolfendorff and the Webbland Re
public. The statement was made
by Vickie Alexander, a represen
tative of the company, in a meet
ing of the company’s board of
directors.
“Rand-McNally has long had the
reputation of the finest map-
makers of the world, but our re
search department has failed to
find the slightest trace of either
country,” she said.
Both countries have sent letters
of protest to the company.
Noah Scores
Noah has a winner with this
beauty. A deep plot and the
unique documentary style of
this epic should send it to new
heights In literary achievement.
Included Is a handy glossary
in the back for "translating" a
few of his famous “catchy”
words.
Capital Falls To Seige;
Webbland Heads Caught
The Rudolfendorffian High Com
mand reported at 10:30 p. m. to
day that Office-on-the-Hall, the
capital city of Webbland, had fall
en to the seige of the armies of
the Grand Duchy of Rudoifen-
dorff. Since the first invasion on
March 20 the GDR armies have
advanced steadily toward the
Invading Forces
Crush Defenses
Another crushing defeat was suf
fered by the forces of Webbland
when soldiers of the Grand Duchy
of Rudolfendorff stormed the First
Division during one of the most
heated battles of the war so far.
The First Division consists of the
area including and adjoining the
gym, auditorium, and the lobby.
It v/ak in these areas that General
Bill “Buckeye” Trivette, through
a series of brilliant military ma
neuvers and employing his best of
ficers, outfoxed the Webbland forc
es, resulting in their surrender and
the signing of a most humiliating
peace treaty.
General Bill “Blood ’n’ guts”
Trivette directed the attack and
victory on the gym. This tremen
dous victory was won by the Ru
dolfendorff forces only through
the courage, stamina, and number
of their soldiers. Heading this
onslaught were General Trivette’s
two iDest colonels. Colonel Ralph
Z. Mann, and Colonel Roger “Co
chise” Hartseli. These officers pro
vided examples of courage in bat
tle that proved to be inspiration
to all men involved in Battle of
the Gym. The Webbland officers,
seeing that their men were unable
to check such a torrent of brave
men, wisely retreated through the
lounge. As they retreated, they
followed the “scorched earth” pol
icy; in addition, they melted down
all the trophies in the lounge to
make new brass buttons for ail
officers. The forces of Webbland
finally stopped their retreat in the
auditorium and regarded this as
their east major stronghold.
Both forces by-passed the cafe
teria since the neutrality act of
1964 had declared this area a neu
tral zone in which no fighting was
to take place. The neutrality act
was observed and carried out by
each side.
The Webbland leader. Major Kel
ly Jones, ordered his two best
captains. Captains Johnny Morris
and Charles Daniel to strengthen
the fortifications of the auditorium
for the expected rage ot the Ru
dolfendorff forces. But this action
proved to be futile, because Col
onels Hartseli and Mann had al
ready anticipated this move. So
capital. Forces first captured the
gymnasium on that date and, by
passing the cafeteria (and wlio
wouldn’t?) put the auditorium un
der their control two days later.
Subsequent invasions from all di
rections put more and more ter
ritory into the hand of the Rudoif-
endorffians until Office-on-the-Hall
and the male Teachers’ Lounge
were the only remaining areas.
King H. T. I has fled his king-,
dom and his whereatwuts have not
as yet t>een discovered. GDR
forces have captured Chief of Staff
R. C. Hatley and Minister of
Health, Education and Welfare,
Dane Perry, and are at present
holding them under house arrest.
The Prime Minister, Mark Cook
of Rudolfendorff, has stated his
terms for surrender although they
have not as yet been accepted
by Walter Smith the Webbland
Prime Minister.
Air Corps Strikes
At Right Flank
The Rudolfendorffian Air Force
made several straffing runs upon
the right flank of the Webbland
forces entrenched in the hedge
rows behind the Track-Field. The
I2th Rudolfendorffian Airborne Di
vision upon the request of the
Grand Duken Charles Morton to
speed up the war in Webbland
made many bombing and straffing
runs. The Wet>bland 2nd battalion
was completely anriilated along
with their brilliant field command
er General William Sherrill. He
was found draped across the land
ing gear of a Rudolfendorffian
bomber.
Colonel Hartseli took his men and
slipped them behind the Webbland
lines while Colonel Man kept the
Webbland soldiers engaged on the
front. Colonel Hartsdi slipped in
to the auditorium from behind and
caught Major Jones completely off
guard in this pincer’s movement.
Seeing defeat was inevitable and
inescapable, Major Jones and Cap
tains Morris and Daniel surrender
ed after only a few brief skir
mishes.
Thus, the Treaty of Peaches,
signed in the cafeteria, ended tlie
War of the First Division. Signing
fcr the Grand Duchy of Rudolfen-
dor.'f was General Trivette, Colo
nel Ralph Z. Mann, and Colonel
Reger Hartseli; signing for the
defeated Webbland forces were
Major Jones. Captain Morris, and
Captain Daniel. The cafeteria st^
witnessed the event and served
sausage and grits to all the men
afterwards.
COACH WHITE REMAINS CALM IN MIDST OF BATTLE
4