The Fool Moon
Vol. 13 — No. 69
Amhurst Surfing and Hiking Society, U.S.A.
March 32, 1984
Students Steal
School Sign
Vandals apparently stole Sen
ior High’s large brick sign lo
cated on the front lawn, some
time between fourth and fifth
periods last Friday.
The absence was reported
when students returning during
fifth period from lunch at Har
dee’s, noticed that something
was missing. Hearing of the ab
sence, Mrs. Crowell promptly
called Calvin to the office to see
if he had borrowed it, but he
denied needing it.
By sixth period, Mr. Hawkins
ordered a full-scale investiga
tion, appointing Mrs. Westerlund
as chief investigator and head
knocker. One of the investiga
tors, a science teacher, suggest
ed that he frisk all the Home
Ec., Shorthand, and Girls’ Gym
classes for the sign. The sugges
tion was vetoed, however, be
cause it would interrupt class
schedules.
At 2:30 p.m., Mr. Hawkins
ordered a search of the entire
school premises. All rooms,
closets, and lockers were search
ed for the sign, but to no avail.
A subsequent investigation of
the bricklaying annex also failed
to yield any evidence.
At present, there are no for
mal suspects, although investi
gations continue concerning the
Senior Choir and the Journalism
Class.
When asked for comment, Mr.
Hawkins replied, “It has come
to my attention that there exists
a situation which, although we
cannot condone it, nevertheless
exists. The gravity of the exist
ing situation constitutes and
necessitates a concentrated and
vigorous reprisal concerning the
aforementioned existing situa
tion. Unfortunately, the author
ities of this establishment cannot
tolerate or ignore the situation
which, needless to say, exists.
Without question, the undivided
attention of responsible parties
is necessary if all concerned are
to obtain and maintain a har
monious atmosphere of educa
tional stamina at the existing
establishment. Of course, no
amount of honorable intentions
can compensate entirely for
those parties who feel, as I have
said.. that they must continue
to do so. If they do continue
to do so, the existing situation
will undoubtedly continue to
exist. I think I have made my
self very clear.”
Seniors To Be
Libera+ed-ASHS
Obliterated
Threatening to instigate a
week-long boycott of the school,
a committee of fifteen influential
seniors has paved the way for
the best Senior Week in the
history of ASHS. The adminis
tration, after hours of delibera
tion. complied with all their de
mands.
Yes, for a whole week this
spring, seniors will not only be
able to terrorize the lowly
sophomores and juniors, they
will be able to squelch their
vandelic appetites as well.
Friday will highlight the fes
tivities; many radical seniors in
Mr. Hatley’s physics and chemis
try classes fondly refer to it as
"Blow-up Day.” Seniors will be
able to “experiment” during
class that day with any chem
icals and apparatus in the lab
at Mr. Hatley’s expense.
French students in the Senior
Class will have even more fun;
a two hour demolition derby in
the French lab is scheduled for
3:05.
To top things off, Mr. Frazier
has scheduled a race for all
A.V. boys on the A.V.’s famous
rolling tables. The Full Moon
urges all seniors to participate
in these events.
Members of S.O.B., Ronnie Harris, Johnny Cotton, and Mike Ken
drick, illustrate their tactics of teacher abuse.
ASHS Set For Olympics
Five Bulldog athletes will be
selected by our coaching staff
to attend the 1976 Olympics at
Bombay, India.
Unfortunately, their names
cannot be revealed because the
decision has not yet been made.
But they’ll go to India and win
medals for our school.
Plans have already been made
for the opening of these Olym
pics. Instead of the regular
Olympic torch, an Indian sitar
will be burned, and Maharishi
Mahesh Yogi will give the open
ing statements.
One event planned is very in
teresting. The participants will
start in Bombay, run to the
Charles Crawley
Cracks Calculus
As many students remember,
Charles Crawley astonished the
math department last year by
conjuring up a revolutionary
theorem. This “catercorner”
theorem explained that opposite
(catercorner) angles in squares
and parallelograms are congru
ent. The fact that there was
already such a theorem in use
didn’t cool Charlie’s pride in his
discovery.
This accomplishment was only
the beginning for Charlie. Since
then, he has been working on
his newest contribution to the
world of mathematics, Calculus
Made Easy. Mrs. Jean Morgan
recently left school so she could
devote all of her time to work
ing on this new volume.
Since Charlie has been labor
ing over his new book, many
students have noticed a decrease
in the “pearls of wisdom” he
used to toss out. But, students,
don’t despair. He is thinking of
collecting them all into one
easily accessible volume soon!
School Stoie
Stock Soars
Two ASHS students are really
hitting Wall Street in a big way.
It was reported in the Wall
Street Journal that Ronnie Bur
ris and Linda Copeland have in
vested heavily in a local con
cern, the school store. Distribu
tive Education classes are also
reported as investing heavily in
the enterprise.
In the same issue the Journal
stated that “if sales continue
to climb, the school store’s
dividends should be on par with
I.B.M. and United States Steel.
Merits of school store stock are
low purchase price and avail
ability on the market.”
It is this paper’s opinion that
both school store stock and
products are good investments.
For more information concern
ing the stock or products, see
Ronnie Burris or Linda Cope
land fourth period in the stu
dent lounge.
nearest sacred river, bathe, kiss
a sacred cow on the nose,
mediate five minutes, and
last, but certainly not least, run
to see if the Beatles are visiting
Ravi Shankar.
Our athletes will begin train
ing as soon as they can learn
the basics of transcontinental
meditation and cow kissing.
Editorial
Students Help
Stamp Out Sex
Certain members of the
local community have ex
pressed a desire to initiate
an insidious course of instruc
tion in you-know-what . . .
sex! This is obviously a
clever coverrup for a plan
to demoralize and undermine
the students of ASHS.
Such a course would sup
posedly inform students not
only of the basic facts of sex.
but also of social motivations,
morals, and many other as
pects of maturity.
Actually, innocent students
would be led to thinking un
clean thoughts.
Over the past few months,
there has been a substantial
increase in reported cases of
that dreaded disease, which,
a few years ago, was men
tioned only in whispers be
hind closed door—mononu
cleosis. If students knew
about this disease, then
they’d really be in trouble.
Students do not wish to know
anything about sex yet. Most
feel that they can wait until
after marriage.
There is no need for a sex
education course at Senior
High. Besides, any student
who wishes to obtain a pre
liminary sex education on his
own can easily do so by read
ing the walls in public rest
rooms.
Homewreckers
To Plan Fannilies
The Future Homewreckers of
America will meet tonight at
7:00 for their regular monthly
meeting. A chaperoned discus
sion of family planning is sched
uled.
In the past few weeks, the
girls have learned how not to
run a house. The two club spon
sors have presented fine exam
ples to their students in such
fields as burning meals, child
neglect, cluttering the house, and
spending needlessly.
All in all, this year’s crop of
students will be even better
suited to create marital prob
lems which are so sorely needed
In today’s utopian society.
President Hall
Hurt In Fall
President David Hall narrowly
escaped serious injury when an
attempt was made on his in
tegrity while descending the
central staircase.
He had just started down the
steps when his feet made con
tact with a cleverly positioned
banana peel. Losing his balance,
he fell down the rest of the
flight, arching through the air
in a glorious reverse swan dive.
The long fall could have
caused serious injury, but by
employing muscular agility and
mental alertness. President Hall
was able to avoid any serious
injury. His complexion did, how
ever. take on a pleasing shade
of scarlet.
Vice-president Wagoner was
informed of the near tragedy
and rushed to the scene to
offer aid. The ambitious Miss
Wagoner had reportedly already
started taking the oath of ofl^ce
before she realized that Presi
dent Hall had survived.
When asked for comment, the
President made several interest
ing statements, which are un-
ASHS Prepares
For Fund-Raising
Raisin Sale
At a recent student council
meeting, Mr. Hawkins announc
ed plans for a fund-raising raisin
sale to take the place of the
annual chocolate sale next Oc
tober.
The chocolate sale was dis
continued, according to Mr.
Hawkins, because of a satura
tion of the area with chocolate
and a 60 per cent increase in
cases of aggravated acne.
The high school cafeteria staff
will donate eight tons of raisins
for the sale. Each student will
receive a minimum supply of
raisins to be sold at govern
ment surplus prices.
Contests will be held through
out the sale to reward the best
salesmen. The student who
sells the most raisins will re
ceive from the cafeteria staff a
grand prize of a year’s supply
of prunes, plus a year’s supply
of Chux disposable diapers.
suitable for print, so you’ll just
have to use your imagination.
Miss Wagoner, who was more
reserved, had this to say: “There
goes my big chance. I guess I
blew it. Oh, well, back to the
old drawing board.”
The would-be assassins have
not yet been found, but investi
gations are continuing. Author
ities discounted rumors that
members of a local anarchist
group called the S.O.B. (Stu
dents Opposed to Brutality)
were connected with the plot.
S.O.B. Subverts
Abusive Teachers
According to some “letters of
concern” recently printed in
our “distinguished” area news
paper, we teenagers should run
and hide. Our teachers are be
coming overly abusive in the
classroom.
Normally quiet teachers are
supposed to be making the
worst attacks. One student re
ported seeing Miss Misenheimer
baring a dagger and Mrs. Smith
planting a live wire in a par
ticularly difficult student’s seat.
One starving student, attempt
ing a mad dash to Hardee’s,
was cornered at an exit by
Mrs. Gamewell’s man-eating fan.
Escaping this terrible fate, he
dashed to his auto. The admin
istration, however, had foreseen
the probability of such action.
And as the unsuspecting student
was leaving the parking lot, he
was demolished by strategically-
placed mines rigged to explode
only during fourth period.
Rumor has it that the cafe
teria staff has also joined the
cause. Employing a new soap
invented by Professor Hatley,
the staff has created a dynamic
“wash-out-the-mouth” jello in
order that they might sadisti
cally torment us unsuspecting
students.
The time to act. students, is
now! A rapidly developing new
organization, the S.O.B. (Stu
dents Opposed to Brutality), is
courageously fighting the atro
cious attacks of our perverted
professors. The Full Moon staff
urges you to support this effec
tive organization.
FOOL MOON
TERRITORIAL STUFF
Bull-of-the-Woods Marlene Whitley
(Editor-in-Chief)
Guerilla Chief and Partner in Crime Susan Wolf
(Managing Editor)
TOTALLY BORED
Catty Remarks and Nasty Cuts Jane Lowder, Denis Rickman
(Editorials)
Gossip and Rumors Alice Hinson. Sherry Lefier
(News)
Scrapes and Scabs David Hall, Tim Morgan
(Sports)
Bathroom Stall Art and Pornography .... Ronnie Burris, Allen Justus
(Art)
Slander and Vulgarisms Mary Kay Austin, Dick Ross
(Co-Feature)
BOOTLEGGING STAFF
Chief Goldbrick Jane Nicholds
(Business Manager)
Mass Brainwasher Patricia Burleson, Neesie Huneycutt
(Promotion)
Blood Brother Karen Moose
(Circulation)
Propaganda and Bull Adams
^ (Advertismg)
Bumble Fingers Patricia Ray, Sherry Yow
(Typmg)
Foreign Mission Service Teresa Wagoner
(Exchange)
Chief Head-Knocker. No. 1 Censor.
and Spiritual Leader . Mrs. Nancy 1. Gamewell
(Advisor)
The Fool Moon is published bilingually except for January,
February, March. May, June, July, August. September. October,
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The above persons are responsible for this issue, please do not
hold it against them. Any relation between names nwntioned herem
and any real persons, hving or dead, is purely consequential.