Nekked Confessions
On The Mat*
(See Page 2)
The Fool Moon
You Asked For It
And You 001* It
(See Page 4)
Vol. 70 —No. l'/2
Albemarle School of Sin, Lof+in's, N. C.
April I. 1984
Library Has New Litter
New additions to the library
stand proudly on the shelves.
These books, donated by local
citizens, fulfill the needs of our
students. They are of various
types of writing, including
comedy, fiction, science, and
history.
These books, placed on the
shelves beside the trash can, may
only be used overnight due to
the great demand for their use.
Their cards are hot pink to help
students notice this restriction.
The authors of these precious
items are well-known. Some of
them, ASHS students, are excel
lent representatives of our
school. All are assets to the field
of literature.
Listed below are the new
additions:
Running Streams, by Sheila
Flowe; Road Repairs, by Bill
Detorre; Baa-Baa Black Sheep,
by Lisa Lamb; How to Kill a
Girl, by Grumpier; With Hammer
and Saw in Hand, by Ricky
Carpenter.
"Juke" And
"Rock" Roll
J ulius Smith and Rocky
Funderburk are organizing the
first annual Creek Rock Festival,
to be staged in the parking lot
surrounding Quenby Mall.
The festival will begin June 3
and continue after 9:00 p.m.
each night until interest drops or
police resistance rises.
Featured attractions will in
clude Crosby, Stills, and Nash
and Oettinger, Sutton and Flake.
The fire hydrant will be rup
tured for nude bathing; “ABC’s
Wild World of Sports” will cover
this event.
Plumbing facilities will be
provided by John’s of Albe
marle. The local chapter of the
Teen Dems will sponsor sleeping
arrangements.
The Green Fly will extend
curb service for hungry partici
pants.
Rocky and Julius are predict
ing healthy results from their
plans.
Effective Cursing, by Ricky
Swaringen; In the Garden With
Eve, by Libby Adams; Sewing,
by Craig Taylor; How to Act on
a Date, by Pat Courtney; The
Mining Industry, by Tom Gol-
pitts.
Dating Made Fun and Easy,
by Paul Wolf; Big Shot, by Greg
Little; Easter, by Harold Lilly;
Christmas Decorations, by Ann
Holly; Substitutes of Shortening,
by Tim Chrisco.
Fire Is Hot, by Willie Stan-
back; Kinds of Dives, by Bobby
Swan, illustrated by Jack Knife;
Out at Loftins, by Wanda
Parker; Hills and Plains, by
Lydia Fields; Bread, by Donna
Bost.
Players Stage
Grubby Scenes
The Vagadog Players pre
sented their smashing Broadway
production “I Don’t Want It -
Take It With You” Friday night,
March 20.
The performers played to an
overwhelming opening night
crowd of five — the directors,
the manager of the Furniture
Barn, from where all stage prop
erty was confiscated, and the
ever faithful janitor. (He receives
five dollars a night for clapping
and whistling).
Donna Brummitt played the
leading role as the prompter
with the largest speaking part.
Highlights of the program
included “The Orgy On The
Piano” during intermission until
the players were rudely inter
rupted by Miss Ibba who was
worried about scratching the
baby grand.
The audience got a bang out
of the fireworks, which being
made in Japan, never went off at
the right time.
The performance of the
kittens was spectacular as they
overate and had an accident.
Martha Hall and Mike Ken
drick created quite a scene when
Martha laughed right in Mike’s
mouth. Then she told him to
shut his face.
Accomplices are caught at the scene of the crime.
Scratch My ASHS
There’s a fungus among us.
It’s perfectly obvious be
cause . . .
. . . Carrie Davis developed
laryngitis.
. . . Blair Lambert lost his
sex appeal. (We didn’t know
he had any.)
. . . The school play was
almost a success.
.. Madame Mim Deese
has adopted a mod hairstyle
which completely hides her
eyes and has hemmed her
mini-skirts.
. . . Libby Adams’ goldfish
had black fish babies. (Out
side agitators, perhaps?)
. . . The Full Moon has
occasionally gone to press on
time.
. . . Eddie Furr sacrificed
his prosperous Cadillac busi
ness to work on Volkwagens.
. . . Jimmy Long’s long
silky curls have mysteriously
straightened out and con
cealed his nose. (Hang in
there, all you with naturally
curly locks; keep the faith!)
. . . The raisins the cafe
teria served so often two
years ago grew to be prunes
last year and at last became
apples.
. . . Ronny Garber finally
learned to do a successful
magic trick.
Albemarle Senior High is
happy to announce its upcoming
curriculum change. This sum
mer, prep courses will be offered
in various areas. These special
ized areas will only be taught by
the finest and most experienced
teachers. “How to Win Beach
Money” will be instructed by
Jeff Becker and his Kentucky
gentlemen.
“How to Stop Staggering and
Stand Up Straight When O. D.
Policemen Pass” will be taught
by Eddie Claywell, Johnny
Beaker's Body Bombs Out
The student’s body un
focused on Jeff Beaker and
Bourbon Bottle as March’s out
standing mugs.
A carouser for three years.
Beaker has been bombed in all
phases of school life. He is a
member of the Boozers Club,
the R. C. Fan Club, and the
Anti-law Explorers Club. Also,
Beaker boasts to be an ex-
letterman in tennis and is Orgy
Supervisor in Teen Damns.
We view our hero' in his
natural habitat of pornography,
lecherousness, laziness, nudity
and universal unkemptness as he
snuggles up to his boozesome
buddy. Rebel Yell. Like his com
panion, Beaker holds a distin
guished “tang of the South”
flavor. If you don’t believe it,
taste and see. Created and breed
ing in the South, Beaker has
been an inspiration to all who
share the fruit of the vine.
George Wallace needs him;
Albemarle Senior High School
has him; newsstands everywhere
demand him. And even Milton
said, “They also serve who only
stand and wait.” May we
Cotton, and Ronnie Whitley.
Quickie courses in “Games to
Play at Shack Parties,” “Jump
ing Off Bridges Without Really
Trying,” and “The Fine Art of
Drag Racing,” are just a few
among these highly beneficial
courses.
More classes are in the pro
cess- of being arranged for next
year. One that many are looking
forward to, is an extensive study
in The Art of Forging Library
Passes.” Efforts are being made
to acquire the expert Ricky
Swaringen.
Ernie Whitley is giving up his
Morehead Scholarship to Caro
lina just so he can teach a course
on “Giving Interesting An
nouncements.”
Sacrificing his free summer
trip to Vietnam, Dale Morehead
plans to instruct “The Tedious
Sport of Dingleberry Thump
ing.”
Carrie Davis will be demon
strating various skills in her
“Public Speaking” class.
All seniors have stopped
studying so they will be in
eligible to graduate and will be
able to participate in these valu
able courses during another fun
year at Good 01’ Senior High.
Sr. High Changes Course
Terrible Trio
Eludes Fuzz
Principal Warren Hawkins
reported that thieves broke into
the school sometime over the
past weekend and stole a few
items of minor value.
Among the stolen goods he
listed a color TV set from Mrs.
Westerlund’s U. S. history class,
a. stereo from the band room,
Mr. Liles’ collection of cheat
sheets, and approximately one
hundred pounds of sirloin steak
from the school cafeteria.
Also taken was the school
activity bus, believed to be the
get-away vehicle.
Prime suspects so far are
Sticky Swaringen, Dodger Hud
son and Chicora Catchem. No
leads have turned up yet, but
local officials are examining the
fifty-foot skid marks from the
site of the bus theft.
Mud-Slinging
Campaign Fills
Office Vacanc ies
Election Day convened Tues
day, March 24, for the purpose
of narrowing the candidates
down to one final victor for each
office.
In the race for President, Mrs.
Fry and Mrs. Crowell battled for
final control of the office. The
disqualification of Mrs. Crowell
for putting salt on her oppo
nent’s ferns placed the office in
the hands of Mrs. Fry.
A heated campaign arose
from Mr. Liles and Miss Thoma
son for the office of Vice-
President; but, through several
private political caucusses, they
agreed to become first and
second vice-presidents and pool
their efforts.
Miss Holshouser and Miss
Caughman, battling hard for the
office of secretary, entered the
race after reading in True Love
that secretaries obtain the best
husbands. Upon hearing this
news, Miss Wilson campaigned
for a write-in vote. However,
through her clever politicking
Miss Caughman persuaded the
other two candidates to with
draw from the race, reassuring
them that they could have
second choice.
Candidate for the Bull Moose
Party, Mrs. Nell Westerlund, the
Iron Chancellor, dared anyone
to challenge her. Early polls
showed her an overwhelming
favorite. However, at this point,
Mr Winfield, the Dark Horse
Candidate, through his knowl
edge of current American prob
lems swayed the voters from
Mrs. Westerlund’s autocratic
platform. The new treasurer is
Mr. Winfield.
mold our lives toward
“high” perfections.
all
such
Council Has Relations
In order to improve student affairs, the Student Relations
Council met March 29, at Cathy Barger’s house. Her parents being
out of town, the council felt the home would be more conducive
to “discussion.”
After group “discussion” and the bottle in the center of the
circle breaking, the council members decided to divide into six
groups for a more personal contact among the members.
No further report of the meeting was revealed to the public.