Friday, December 25, 1970
THE NEW BERN MIRROR, NEW BERN, N. C.
Page Thirteen
MIRROR MIRTH
An oculist is a man with an
eye for business. The best way
to keep down bills is to use a
paperweight. Love is a disease
like the measles, because it is
worse when it comes late in life.
When nations aren’t trying to
make up with each other, they
are trying to make off with each
other...A mother takes twenty
years to make a man of her boy,
and another woman makes a
fool of him in twenty minutes.
A gossip gets her best news
from someone who promised to
keep it a secret...Half the world
doesn’t know how many things
the other half is paying
installments on.
An efficiency expert is smart
enough to tell you how to run
your business, and too smart to
start one of his own...A tactful
husband is one who remembers
his wife’s birthday, but forgets
which one it is.
Duty is a task we look forward
to with distaste, perform with
reluctance, and brag about ever
after...As soon as a crop starts
coming up in the fields, it starts
going down in the market.
Women get criticized for
wearing furs in summer,
although they are merely
following the fashion of the
original owners...The only two
who can live cheaply as one are
a flea and a dog.
It’s odd how chairs never
move in the daytime, but at
• Ceramic Tile
• Quarry Porches
• Marble Fireplaces
• Rubber & Asphalt
Tile
G. H. BRYAN
Til* Contractor
ME 7^18
night tiptoe up and kick you in
the sins...Most bachelors have
lots of chances to get married,
but they are not taking any
chances.
When a woman puts candles
on her birthday cake, she should
be burning most of them at both
ends...Children have become so
expensive that only the poor can
afford them.
Remorse is a sign that it
wasn’t quite as pleasant as you
expected it to be...When the
wool is pulled over a man’s
eyes, he is generally fleeced
afterwards.
Some people commit murder,
others get their satisfaction
from reading obituary
notices...The narrower the
mind, the broader the
statement...In this mechanized
age, even public officials are
machine made.
A diamond is a gem whose
bright sparkle renders a woman
stone-blind to the defects of the
man offering it June is the
month of brides. The other
eleven are devoted to divorces.
A lecture is a talk by which
the notes of the professor
become the notes of the
students, without passing
through the minds of either...A
bachelor is the souvenir of some
woman who found a better one
at the last minute.
It’s called cold cash because
we can’t keep it long enough to
warm it up...Alligator is the
skin that’s fashionable for
ladies to wear, especially lady
alligators...A gadabout is
usually a gab about.
Kisses bring out the beast in
some men, usually the
jackass...Faith is the basis of
three great enterprises-love,
democracy and hash Time
often changes a woman’s
curves to extended contours.
Dyspepsia is the remorse of a
guilty stomach...So far no one
has invented an intelligence test
IN THE ROUND . . . One of many photographs in the 1970
Yearbook of Agriculture, “Contours of Change,’’ shows rows of
laying cages in-the-round. Manufactured by a New Mexico com
pany, each round house holds 34,000 layers.
to equal matrimony...Most men
would rather be the second
husband of a widow than the
first.
Every dog has his day, but the
nights are reserved for the
cats...Children have grown so
expensive that only the poor can
afford them...When a woman
puts candles on her birthday
cake, she should be burning
most of them at both ends.
In a ladies sewing circle,
more husbands are darned than
socks.
Every dog has his day, but the
nights are reserved for the cats.
An organ recital is a patient’s
complaint to his doctor.
After a few montte of work,
Eskimos call it a day.
A man never realizes the
blessing of being born poor until
he gets over it.
A road map tells you
everything except how to fold it
up again.
He who falls in love with
himself will have no rivals.
The favorite sport of fleas is
to follow the hounds.
The man who is always in a
stew generally goes to pot.
A modern mother is one who
can hold safety pins and a
TO EVERYONE
For your
convenience we
will remain open
Christmas and
New Yearns Day.
WILLIAMS
RESTAURANT
0 Come, All
Ye Faithful
As you observe this
Christmas in the
tradition of your
faith, may joy abide
with you,
Howk
Rodio
&
TV
cigarette in her mouth at the
same time.
A monologue is a
conversation between a man
and his wife.
If your left hand itches, it’s a
sign you’re going to get
something. If your head itches,
it’s a sign you’ve already got
something.
A jury is the only thing that
doesn’t work right when it’s
fixed.
It’s just as hard to live with a
person you love as it is to love
the person you live with.
Man is the only animal that
laughs, also the only animal
that has a Congress.
If you watch some women
shop, you’d think they were
taking inventory of the store.
Nowadays the only males who
boss the household are less than
three years old.
Think twice before you speak,
and then you may be able to say
something more insulting than
if you spoke right out at once.
If you want to kill an idea, just
get a committee to work on it.
Nothing annoys a woman like
having her friends drop in
unexpectedly to find the house
looking as it usually does.
Half the lies told on the
witness stand are not true.
Free advice is the kind that
costs nothing unless you act
upon it.
A monologue is a
conversation between a
husband his wife.
Will power is the ability to eat
one salted peanut.
Unmentionables are all those
garments of feminine attire
which are now spoken of loudly
and hy real names.
Spanking is something which
is inflict^ on one end to
impress the other.
A philosopher is a fellow who
always knows what to do until it
happens to him.
Originality is doing what
somebody else did years ago,
after the public has forgotten
about it.
Minds are like parachutes,
they function only when open.
A meddler is someone who
suffers from an interferiority
complex.
Scientists are having a hard
time proving that man
descended from an inferior
animal.
It’s love that makes the world
go round, but it’s marriage that
k^eps most of the inhabitants
hustling.
At present prices, there are
grounds for complaint in every
coffee pot.
It’s what the guests say after
they leave that really counts.
A cynic is somebody who
suffers from skeptic poisoning.
Instead of loving your
enemies, treat your friends a
little better.
Today’s automobile driver
proves that much of the horse
sense in the good old days was
possessed by the horse.
A military expert is a man
who tells you today what is
going to happen tomorrow, and
tells you tomorrow why it didn’t
happen today.
Next to love, bridge is the
greatest indoor sport in
America.
. A boaster is a person who,
everytime he opens his mouth,
puts his feats in.
An antique is something so old
that it’s worth more than it
really is.
We swear off on New Year’s
day, and after that we swear,
off and on.
What some women want for
their birthday is not to be
reminded of it.
NAT DIXON
NURSERY
• GIENBURNIE -
Growers of Fine Trees,
Shrubs and Plants
TIME TO SAY:
MERRY
TO AIL OUR FRIENDS
Hardison Printing Co.