f f.i I I r f T T 1
P«a» 2t WmI Craven Highlights, June 23,1983
‘Bumperology’
By JONATHAN PHILLIPS
Mega-Columnist
There are gypsies who claim to be able to tell
you all about yourself and your future just by
examining the palms of your hands.
There is a whole science devoted to examining
folks’ personalities by analyzing their
handwriting.
And the psychologists tell us that people
communicate a lot about themselves, if you know
how to interpret it, in the way they move, dress,
and speak.
Now comes Lynn Ann, who claims that an
automobile bumper is the key to deciphering
one’s inner soul.
By examining license plates and bumper
stickers, she feels, you can determine what a
person is like without knowing anything else
about them.
In some cases, of course, this is absurdly easy. If
a guy has a rebel flag plate on the front, a South
Carolina plate on the back, and a bumper sticker
that says “Beer Drinkers Make Better Lovers,” it
doesn’t take a college professor to figure out what
sort of person drives that car.
But there are more subtle clues.
“Never trust a car with an orange plate,” Lynn
Ann says. That might make sense, as orangeish
state plates come from Pennsylvania and New
York. New York drivers are the worst and most
discourteous this side of Rome and Mexico City,
so the orange plates can tell you several things:
That the driver has all the courtesy of a Marine
staff sergeant, the coordination of a handicapped
mule, and the aggressiveness of a Redskins
offensive tackle.
On another occasion Lynn Ann observed a car
that had an East Carolina window sticker to go
along with bumper stickers from N.C. State a:id
UNC.
“Obviously a case of indecision, divided loyalty,
and si)lit personality,” she pronounced. This
could be interpreted as emanating directly from
the horse’s mouth, as Lynn Ann’s own vehicle
advertises both ECU and Rutgers University in
the back window.
Multiple college stickers may also be indicative
of large families with several ties, I personally
feel. I say this since Duke, Virginia Tech, and
East Carolina all compete for attention on mom’s
station wagon, with the Duke sticker
mysteriously appearing after complaints by Pops
about his young’uns neglecting his alma mater in
favor of their own.
* « * * *
Though bumperology is a young science, some
rules and maxims have already emerged.
You know those “do it” bumper stickers,
relatively clean examples of which read “Drivers
Do It Deeper,” and “Teachers Do It With Class?”
Presence of one of these stickers is usually an
excellent indication that the vehicle owner is of
inferior intelligence and poor taste.
And bumper stickers with the word “surT or
“surfer” included generally indicate a driver who
has no job, doesn’t want one, gets too much money
from his parents, gets absurd-looking haircuts
which cost $12, and plays his stereo too loud.
Just the location indicated on state plates is also
a major clue. They realized this in Wyoming
several years back when a state legislator
actually proposed that cars from California be
required to have cowbells attached while driving
in Wyoming so that folks could hear them
coming, presumably so they could either hide or
mark up the price on anjdihing they might be
selling.
While I respect Lynn Ann’s intelligence and
observation, I wonder a bit about how accurate
By LELA BARROW
Do you remember, as a little child, standing at
the window watching the rain-drop falling off
while it was pouring down rain outside: saying
this little verse. “Rain, rain, go away. Come again
another day; Little Johnnie wants to play. In the
Meadow on the hay?”
We didn’t know then how important rain was.
The definition of Rain: Water falling in drops
condensed from vapor in the atmosphere,
sometimes in drops, a shower or pouring down
from the clouds.
Genesis 2:6 calls it the gift of God. “Every plant
of the field and every herb needs rain”. Acts 14:17
“God gave us rain from Heaven and fruitful
season”. The Volume Library gave these verses
to little children to help them understand the
importance of rain and sunshine to all seed and
plants.
“The Little Plant
In the heart of a seed
Buried deep-ao deep,
A dear liMe plant,
Lay fast asleep
“Wake", said the sunshine,
"And creep to the light".
"Wake", said the voice,
of the rain drops bright
The little plant heard.
And it rose to see
What the wonderful
Outside world might be ...
The Rain
Pitter-patter goes the rain
Oh! so many hours;
But though it keeps me in the house
It's very good for flowers.
I want to share a poem by Helen Steiner Rice
“The Legend Of The Rain Drop” sent to me last
week-printed extra “In sharing these God-givA
lines, so simple and so true; and may you in tun^
keep sharing them with folks that you know too
By LELA BARROW
The Legend Of The Raindrop
The legend of the raindrop
Has a lesson for us all
As it trembled in the heavens
Questioning whether it should fall—
For the glistening raindrop argued
To the genie of the sky,
"I am beautiful and lovely
As I sparkle here on high,
and hanging here I will become
Part of the rainbow’s hue
And I'll shimmer like a diamond
For all the world to view"
But the genie told the raindrop,
"Do not hesitate to go.
For you will be more beautiful
If you fall to earth below.
For you mil sink into the soil
And be lost a while from sight.
But when you reappear on earth.
You’ll be looked on with delight;
For you will be the raindrop
That quenched the thirsty ground
And helped the lovely flowers
To blossom all around.
And in your resurrection
You’ll appear in queenly clothes
With the beauty of the lilly
And the fragrance of the rose;
Then, when you unit and wither.
You'll become part of the earth
And make the soil more fertile
And give new flowers birth"...
For there is nothing ever lost
Or Eternally Neglected,
For Everything God ever made.
Is Always Resurrected;
So trust God’s all-wise wisdom
And doubt the Father never.
For in His Heavenly Kingdom
There Is Nothing Lost Forever.
By HELEN STEINER Ring
Fact and
Fiction
By
WALTER C.
LINDLEY
Owner of Howard House
a coffee, tea, herb, spice
and gfift show
New Bern.
The average man has 66 pounds of muscles and
3.3 pounds of brains. Maybe that explains a lot of
things.
Among those born of un-wed parents are
Le’zanne, daVinci, Jack London, Sophia Loren,
Booker T. Washingon and William The
Conqueror.
In a deck of cards, the King of Hearts is named
for Charlemagne, the King of Diamonds - Caesar
The King of Clubs - Alexander, and The King of
Spades - David.
The ozone at the sea shore is good for you. There
is no ozone at the sea shore for the simple fact that
the ozone layer is approximately 35 miles above
sea level.
An octopus can strangle a man.
—Pure fantasy.
Columbus intended to land in America. No, he
had no inkling that the continent existed. He
failed to find the route to India.
The person who says something is “as easy as
taking candy from a baby”, never had a baby.
the bumper readings are. I wonder because in my
times my autos have sported some pretty diverse
stickers that might be interpreted in all sorts of
ways.
Not only were there parking stickers from four
schools and window stickers for three, but
bumper stickers saying things like “There’s Only
One Carolina: That’s East Carolina,” and “Get
Pantanasized.”
The only reason that there was not one from a
place called Jose O’Shea’s in Colorado that a
friend brought is because it got torn up in the
front seat before I ever got around to applying it.
it said “Eat My Enchilada.”
Other stickers have supported Marino’s Deli,
the Carolina Opry House, and the city of Seattle.
And the only thing that keeps me from
installing the rebel flag plate that now adorns the
office window is the assurance from numerous
authorities that parking a car in New Jersey with
such a license is a perfect way to get rid of my
hubcaps, battery, and window glass, whether I
want to or not.
If Lynn Ann can interpret all that, more power
to her.
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