Newspapers / Mars Hill University Student … / April 29, 1977, edition 1 / Page 7
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/ ' # I h Graduation Brings Surprises, Sadness to MHC 'ienc^ *re Erican-rated are several- often hap' e. The use drawback, of continU' t collectiou It unfortu- literature- :han a fe"' 7 Cadenza that of re- Before the final events of PAULINE PRATT, Pauline pratt are brought to a close, ® backward glance over the year’s events seems appropriate. Our poignant drama has traced •he metamorphosis of one Stella Boredeaux, star student and social misfit at Magnolia Hill College. Not having experienced the easiest of •tpbringings, our demented but undaunted heroine has tried throughout to overcome her sullied roots. From a childhood of cloaked Innocence to a turbulent blossoming into wo manhood, Stella’s story has run the gamut of •rauma and tribulation: our first episode found ® grief-stricken Stella swept away from home ^nd hearth at Magnolia Hill by Russian spies, mistaking her for the deceased Ivan B. Masanov, Only to escape her Hefty-bag captivity via a fateful wate'rbed spill in episode two. Groping aimlessly through the darkened streets of Mi ami, Stella inadvertently found her avenue home an open manhole cover on 42nd street and subsequent sewers. The faint smell of magnolia blossoms brought her back into what she thought were the welcoming arms of her be loved Magnolia Hillians, only to discover yet another tragedy in her young life: thus, epi sode three found our heroine thrust into the midst of a bathroom court battle with her repu tation at stake. When all seemed lost, Stella, ■n an act of self-preservation, decided to reveal dark secrets, long hidden from the members of Magnolia Hill. Stella’s testimony revealed Pauline Pratt’s alleged iniquity. With episode number five, tragedy took a backseat to romance in Stella’s life, but not before her efforts at Preserving her respectability as a woman sent her to Sisters of Solomon General Hospital, (after leaping from Mike Machonelli’s speeding ?uto on their first date). At Sisters’, Mike real ises his “love, true love” for Stella and prof fers a bedside proposal of marriage on bended hnee. The Yuletide season found Stella and Mike at the altar, ready to take their nuptual ''ows when a mysterious figure interrupted the Ceremony. Shocking revelations occurred: •be mysterious figure, Harold Finkk, disclosed •n all the intimate relationship which he had bad with Pauline Grunch (Pratt) years earlier, •be end result having been Stella. These reve lations brought on not only the untimely demise ®f P. Dexter Pratt, but sent Stella into a life of Seclusion as a roller skating waitress at New Rurubomba’s finest drive-in. But install ment nine found Magnolia Hill, minus a de mented Stella, embroiled in yet another turmoil — the premeditated burning of one of the halls of academia and long-loved campus landmark. Stella’s seemingly placid life was threatened with controversy again when Pauline Pratt pieced together unrelated facts to point an ac cusing finger at Stella as the arsonist. Our Final Episode: In the third chaise lounge beneath the Claude (Class of ’54) Bogroot Memorial Magnolia Cluster, two alumni sip their tulip juleps while discussing Magnolia memorabilia. Each clutch tightly a copy of the latest Alumni Quarterly, whose cover graphically depicts the tragic loss of the beloved Administration Building, which only recently was consumed by fire. Tears stain their seer-sucker leisure suits and floral print shirts, and even dare to wilt the deli cate petals of their traditional mums, (which they purchased from school-spirited yet destitute members of Phi Phi Phi sorority). All reflection upon the past is halted, however, when the hyp notic notes of the Kimball 450 strike the first chords of Pomp and Circumstance. These two rush to take their seats before the graduation procession begins. Old and familiar faces to Magnolia Hill fill the circus tent which serves as a make-shift administration building to view the spectaculars of a Magnolia Hill graduation: recently-widowed local adultress Pauline Pratt nervously fondles a near-by cream puff; Rora Lou Belle does a fast pin-curl job on her neigh bors coiffure; an ever-crazed Barney still clut ches a treasured photo-cube containing a compact portfolio of Stella’s early life; Sister Anna Maria Smith dusts off her 9 by 12 glossy of Julie (Sound of Music) Andrews which is seated beside her, ever-vocational Sissy, makes final steps to secure the graduation platform; meanwhile on the stage, Felicia Quagmirst and ensemble (two coastal Namibian pygmies) rehearse the latest hit tune in their reper toire, “Come to Me with Those Diploma Blues”, Opus No. 14, by Hershel Josten. As the gradu ates begin to file into the circus arena, all wonder whether star student Stella Boredeaux will be among those faithful fifteen graduates. Stage Manager and interim president, Bobby Trotler flits about, shouting last-minute instruc tions to the nervous but serene graduates: "Straighten your tassel, hig hoy. And. you. honey, level your mortar hoard." From the length of the tent, Bobby yells to an antici patory Felicia Quagmurst and company: "Tcf 'er rip. Flecie and pygs." As Felicia begins, a placid but queezy Bobby rushes discreetly down the center aisle, trying des perately to reach the platform before the pyg mies strike their final refrain. All heads rivet to catch a glimpse of the graduates, lest they miss one of their favorites among the throng of fifteen. While all “enjoy” Felicia’s last re citative, two familiar figures, Horace and Hen ry Hinkle, bring with them a shroud of gloom to the proceedings. Appropriately, Felicia slides into a minor key. The two security cadets un obtrusively make their way onto the stage and to Bobby’s side. Bobby, annoyed at this person al affront, gasps: “Horace. Henry. How could you!" Grasping Bobby by the lapels, they whisper, in unison, “iVe've Just heard over our C.B.’s that a nuclear holocaust is im minent. We've got to gel everyone to the near est fallout shelter". Always calm, cool, and col lected at times of stress, a pallid Bobby shrieks: “A nuclear hellacaust is imminent. Let's get the hole out of here!!" Simultaneously, Bobby cues Felicia to begin “Nearer My God to Thee” to calm the exiting throngs. As Sissy hurtles toward the stage, Bobby leaps astride her should ers: "On Sweets. To the fallout shelter. Away!" Later that Evening . . . We tind the residents of Magnolia Hill, gathered in the expansive but quaint, early Rococo fallout shelter beneath Flora Lou’s Beauty Salon. With spirits broken by the seem ingly inevitable end, the members are gathered in intimate before-bedtime share groups. At tention focuses on one especially distraught group. Tears and sobs fill the tainted air amidst numerous confessionals. All want to clear their sullied consciences before disaster pays a visit: "... and Bertha, it breaks my heart to tell you this hut. when your hair turned pink last summer, it was because I was in the hack room giving Bohhy a backcomb, and I left you in the peroxide too long." Rora Lou con fesses. "Oh. Flora Lou. That's not half as had as what I've done. You see. 'Search for Yester day' went off the air five years ago. and Tve been acting as if it were still on the air. Oh shame, oh agony. I've lied. lied, lied." Bertha responds. Sissy, getting Flora Lou in a head- pin, demands: "What the hell do you mean giving my Bohhy a backcomb? You little hair dressing hussy." But before Sissy can break Flora Lou’s neck, Bobby, on bended knee, confesses: “Sweets, she did my duck tail. loo. I Just couldn't help myself. It u’os all for you." Sister Anna Maria Smith, caressing the sacred 9 by 12 glossy of Julie Andrews mumbles, "... oh. and when I dropped that bedpan I was so tee-teed off that / spat upon the sacred Julie." Felicia knowingly comforts her sob bing Sister. Pauline, overcome by all the blatant honesty, astounds the others by chiming in with her own admissions of past guilt: “Enough, enough. Tve got to speak. Tve got to tell what's on my mind and troubled heart." All share-group members turn to face a disgruntled Pauline Grunch Pratt. (When P. G. Pratt speaks, everybody listens.) "/ was the insane arsonist who. with lighted safety match, set fire to those sacred timbers of academia. Desperate to shift suspicion from myself, I planted those S.B.-emblazoned roller skates behind the clump of Colorado spruces so as to implicate my illegitimate daughter Stella." As all listeners hang on every condemning detail, Barney clutches his photo cube even closer, delighted by Pauline’s confession. Talk ing into the cube, Barney whispers: “We've got her now Stella. Come on down." As Pauline sobs uncontrollably, the door at the head of the stairs opens. All.eyes turn in horror toward the door, expecting the worst. In the doorway stands a jubilant, self-assured Stella Boredeaux, star student but social misfit at Magnolia Hill College. At this poignant moment “father” and daughter embrace. "/ knew we could do it. Papa. The old walkie- talkie in the photo cube trick always works." Barney, overcome by the emotion-filled reunion sobs on Stella’s shoulder. A happy ending is finally in sight. Epilogue Thus, Stella has proven her innocence in a well-conceived scheme to expose a devious Pauline Pratt. It was she, along with Barney, who engineered the entire nuclear holocaust incident by propagating the false rumor of doom and destruction over the C.B., which she knew would enevitably lead to Pauline’s confession of guilt. Stella, therefore, has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt her final maturity as a wo man and communications expert. Through the long years, she has cleansed her sullied roots, as well as those of other residents of Magnolia Hill. And so as the graceful magnolias sway in the breeze, we leave the residents of Magnolia Hill.
Mars Hill University Student Newspaper
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April 29, 1977, edition 1
7
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