vol. XXXIII, issue 7 ;
north Carolina school of science and mathematics
april 1, 2014
stentorianl23@gmail.com
DISCLAIMER: This is the first annual April Fools’ Issue of The Stentorian. All facts, names and
quotes have been made up and are not true representations of any actual person. Enjoy!.
SG LE ADERSfflP TAKEN
IN COMMUNIST COUP
By Adam Beyer
In a shocking turn of events
at the regular meeting of
Student Government Sunday
night, a faction of Senators led
by Senator Matthew Komberg
led a peaceful coup d’etat,
taking claim of the Student
Body and Senate Presidency
with promises to make many
changes to the functioning of
SG.
The coup began during a
routine discussion of a series
of bylaws changes, one of
which would Have called for
all bills passed to include a
synopsis. The debate about
the .bill was interrupted by
Senator Komberg, who moved
to amend it to include the
creation of a Government
Affairs committee.
This amendment would
have required formal language
to be pre-wTitten, so Senate
President Choi left the
meeting for the bathroom for
several minutes while the
wording was drafted, leaving
Senate President pro tempore
Komberg in charge.
Quickly, Komberg instmct-
ed Senators to close and lock
tbe door to the Woolworth
room, and distributed copies
of legislation amending the
Student Government Bylaws
to provide for deposing top
Student Government elected
officials.
After a limited debate, the
changes passed the Senate
after an impassioned speech
by Senator Wilson calling for
an end to the “tyranny” of the
Thakker-Choi administration.
Immediately following
the passage of the bylaw
amendments, the Senate passed
resolutions deposing President
Thakker, who was away at the
Intel competition, and Senate
President Choi, still locked
outside from office. Senator
Komberg was then voted
acting Student Body President,
appointing Senator Wilson as
Senate President.
Treasurer Lee was allowed
to remain in office because of
her skillful ability to obtain
funding from the Association
of Student Governments.
“This coup is a total sham
and unconstitutional,” said
Senate President David Choi
while locked outside. “The
thing these ‘revolutionaries’
are forgetting is that any
changes to the bylaws must
be approved directly by Dr.
Roberts before taking effect.”
That did not stop the
Student Senate under new
leadership from beginning to
take immediate actions that,
according to some analysts,
are an attempt shore up its
legitimacy. Acting President
Komberg authorized the SG
Directors of IT to release an
online referendum petition to
the Student Body allowing it to
give input.
Some ■ students complained
of difficulties accessing the
petition, instead encountering
error messages. Several hours
later acting-President Komberg
released a statement calling the
1 Coop continued on page 3
Jimmy Neutron
replaces Todd
Roberts as chancellor
Senior Tessa Jones, “can’t
wait to see what type of
publicity this change brings
to the school and hopes to see
more funding from the science
and mathematics community.”
However, other students are
Hannah Walrath
On Friday, March 14, 2014,
the North Carolina School
of Science and Mathematics’
Administration publicly
announced tbe replacement
of current Chancellor Dr. J.
Todd Roberts by the
popular television
figure Jimmy
Neutron.
This replacement
is mostly due to
Neutron’s heroic
acts and popularity
amongst the teen
science community,
as well as his
advancements in
science.
“The Board of
Governors and the
North Carolina
School of Science
and Mathematics Roberts and new chancellor, Jimmy Neutron
Administration shake hands at a Press Conference upon the
felt this move best announcement of Neutron's new role.
reflects the school’s
much more skeptical. Asking
questions like, “How old is
Neutron?” and “Is he qualified
to mn our institution?”
Others simply feel like this
change might be more of a
publicity stunt by the school.
“Jimmy Neutron might took
like Dr. Roberts, but that
7
motto, ‘Accept the Greater
Challenge’ and our continued
support for the advancement of
our young people,” said Senior
Parth Patel who was a member
of the Chancellor Search and
Selection Committee.
Students around campus are
excited and nervous about this
new change.
doesn’t mean he’ll act like Dr.
Roberts. What if our school
falls apart because of this
change?” concerned student
Bailey Blankenship responded.
No one truly knows what
the future of NCSSM under
future Chancellor
Neutron holds.
= Only time will
i:i tell. When asked
o about the change,
g Roberts only had
o good things to say
^ about Neutron
tand the NCSSM
o administration.
^ “I think the
administration at
NCSSM makes well-
educated decisions. I
am of course sad to
leave but I’m excited
to pass the position
of Chancellor on to
Mr. Neutron.”
Neutron moves
into his new office
one week after graduation, but
will be shadowing Dr. Roberts
for the month of May. Roberts,
a Duke University Alumni,
reportedly will be joining the
Duke Basketball staff as an
assistant coach. However, no
formal statement has been
released on this matter.
SG update
(not propaganda)
By Christian Aguilar
In the wake of the transition
to a new Student Government
leadership, much business
has occurred in recent days
allowing Student Government
to work effectively for the
masses.
Three new Senators at-large
were appointed and confirmed
unanimously at the first
Student Government meeting
since the transition.
Juniors Bina Amin, Jacob
Botros, and Abhi Kulgod were
appointed to the position of
Senator at-large which allows
them to obtain $100 of Student
Government funding to work
on a project in the service of
the student body.
“I am really excited to have
these students join SG,” said
acting-President Matthew
Komberg. “The projects
they bring are evidence that
they share the same vision of
community at NCSSM that I
have.
Senator Amin plans to
develop a food-sharing
program, where surplus food
in the PFM is donated to local
agencies that can use it for
people in need.
Senator Botros’ project
is to create a guide-book for
new Juniors that will feature
many tips not found in the
more-formal official Student
Handbook.
Senator Kulgod is seeking
to procure a set of laptop
chargers that can be used on a
communal basis.in the library.
Also this month, the
newly-led Senate passed a bill
sponsored by Senator Isaiah
Bryant asking administration
to remove future “I-Weeks”
from the Testing Calendar.
Perhaps the most important
action of Student Government
since the takeover has been its
push for new elections.
“Acting Senate-President
Philip Wilson and I talked
about it and decided that
SG really just needs a fresh-
start after the tyranny of the
previous administration,” said
Matthew Komberg.
During elections last week,
Abhi Kulgod was elected
Student Body President and
Vinay Kshirsagar was elected
Treasurer.
“1 believe acting-Senate
President Wilson and I have
set a strong precedent for what
SG’s tme mission is,” said
Komberg. “We can only hope
that the new leaders will carry
it forward, but if not, those
who dream of good for all will
know where to find me.”
(The Stentorian maintains
its independence from the new
governing authority in SG and
is simply mnning this memo
from the Division of Public
Relations as a courtesy.)