Vol. LVI
Grimsiey High School, Greensboro, N.C. 27408
April 1, 1977
Sroog Crashes
In Night Flight
Ms. Katherine Sroog, a
Grimsiey High English teacher,
crashed during the test flight of
her super-sonic zoom broom at
midnight, upon colliding with the
Great Pumpkin.
The Great Pumpkin, who had
been out for a leisurely stroll,
tried in vain to jump from the
path of the oncoming broom. The
head on crash sent the Great
Pumpkin spinning toward a lamp
post, which he hit and ricocheted
off of, only to smash into the
ground at 75 m.p.h. breaking into
several pieces.
Ms. Sroog ditched when her
test broom hit the Great
Pumpkin, and remained unhurt,
but her super-sonic zoom broom,
now out of control, continued on a
path of destruction.
A sonic boom shattered the
windows at the vocational
building, as the zoom broom
broke the sound barrier. The
broom flew into the main
building, wreaking havoc where
ever it went. After plowing
through the ceiling to the second
floor, it then proceeded to the bus
parking lot, where it skipped from
roof to roof of the school buses.
Finally, after setting fire to some
nearby trees, the super-sonic
zoom broom came to a rest on top
of the breezeway between the
main building and the vocational
building.
Speculations as to what caused
Ms. Sroog to crash were varied.
While some blamed the problem
on a malfunction within the
broom itself, others believed her
to have had too much of her
home-made brew.
According to Virgil Howard,
who witnessed the accident, “It
wuz a mess. Pumpkin flew
everwhichaways. The driver of
the broom bailed out, but her
parachute didn’t help her nohow
... it opened on impact.”
Ms. Sroog’s flight insurance
will pay for the broken windows,
burnt walls in the main building,
and the demolished school buses.
Ms. Sroog had been on her way
to a WITCH’S (Witch’s Indepen
dent Triad Confederation for
Hexing Students) meeting when
the mishap occurred.
Sasquatch Spotted ?
by Don Juan
Could there be a “Baby
Sasquatch” hiding here around
Grimsiey? This year I have seen
many strange things herq but
none was more strange than this
ape-like thing I saw trotting
through the wooded area near the
Old and New Science Buildings.
At first I thought my eyes were
playing tricks on me, then I saw
the same thing on numerous
other occasions. A few times I
tried to follow it without success.
After failing to follow this
creature I decided to find out if
anybody else had seen it. After
talking to hundreds of bystanders
and students, there was a
breakthru. It seems there have
been many sightings of this
creature. The amazing thing
about “Baby Sasquatch” is that
these sightings are in contradic
tion to that of other sightings not
in this area. It’s much smaller,
about five feet 8 and a lot lighter
at about 170 lbs. But besides that,
the half-man, half-ape, slumped
over body description, fits
previous descriptions.
Here 1 have some eye-witness
accounts of these strange
sightings. The names of these
informants have been held
because of various reasons. The
first one said - “If anyone told
me they saw this ape-like monster
I would have told them to see a
psychiatrist. But what do you tell
yourself when you see it, not once
but on three separate occasions.”
Our second source said - “I saw
it! I saw it! Moving quickly
through the trees. I’m glad
someone was with me, at least I
know I’m not going crazy.” The
next one said - “I don’t know
what it was but 1 saw it. 1 was
wandering around in back of the
building when out of nowhere
came the ugliest looking beast 1
have ever seen. It must have been
a Sasquatch.”
Has the firing squad been
practicing or will the girl
survive...stay tuned ...
Skippers Under Fire
The Attendance policy at the
Greensboro public schools has
been in effect since August, 1976.
The school board has finally
decided to let the students really
know what happens after eleven
absences.
When the eleventh absence has
been committed by a student they
receive a yellow slip from Mr.
Glenn. The student is then to
report to his office immediately, if
the student does not report
immediately a group of blood
hounds will track the student
down. The student is then put in
chains and dragged to the office.
Strange Discoveries
After a tew minutes of
questioning the student Mr.
Glenn brings in a jury. The jury
consisting of Mr. Jones and Mr.
Gulla. They decide if the student
is guilty of deserves a waiver.
This takes much time, approxi
mately two minutes. After the
verdict, which is always guilty, a
punishment is then decided on.-
The traditional punishment at
Grimsiey was decided on by an
ROTC committee. The punish
ment is death by a firing squad.
Black roses are sent afterwards
to the parents, C.O.D.
The school board reports that
the student body has declined by
39% in the past two months. This
fact has distressed the adminis
tration greatly so they are now
attempting to come up with a new
punishment. Tentatively saying
Rubberbabybuggybumpers ’ ’
28,987 times will replace the
ROTC treatment. Other sugges
tions for pentinence include the
placement of pop-sickle sticks
under the fingernails of victims
and requiring the unlucky student
to dine in the elegance of the
Grimsiey cafeteria for two weeks.
So remember all you GHS
people we can get you now, or get
you later.
CIA Infiltrates GHS
Sources close to the president
have revealed that the recent
installment of new P.A. system at
Grimsiey High School was merely
a cover for the installment of
complete surveillance equipment
by the C.l.A.
Thus far the equipment, which
consists of transmitters and
videotape machines that create
three dimensional films, has been
used successfully. Surveillance in
rooms other than classrooms is
being conducted by more
discreetly placed machinery.
One third floor, main building
teacher has been placed on an
enemies list. This teacher was
recorded brainwashing students
with the communist manifesto
and showing pornographic films.
The C.l.A. is missing several of
its films of pornographic films
and some films of films of
pornographic films. A search has
been conducted, but no clues
have been uncovered.
Several C.l.A. agents have had
nervous breakdowns since view
ing films of algebra classes.
These films have been destroyed
and no more are being shot, so
only students must suffer through
the grueling complications and
possible insanity of algebra.
A certain biology class has
been exposed teaching reproduc
tion through demonstration. At
this point, no action has been
taken.
Other agents have gone totally
insane and have been shot after
viewing footage of the drama
department at work (doing
whatever it is that they do).
A Home Economics teacher
teaheer was discovered instruct
ing girls on how to marry a rich
man and poison hi later so as to
be left with his money. This
teacher has been removed from
GHS, though she escaped to
Europe. The authorities have
confiscated over $50 million of
assets.
agent “No word has been created
to explain how this surveillance
has affected us. Shock is a great
understatement.”
Rumor has it that the president
has decided to Send Amy to high
school until it can be proved that
GHS is a fluke and there are sane
high-schools.
Babi
One member of the administra
tion has been taped while
singing. The tape was destroyed
after playing it shattered windows
in the CIA’s main office.
So far no CIA agents have
survived viewing the tapes made
of the journalism department.
The president has issued an order
to quarantine the HIGH LIFE
staff for medical science and
possibly as an ultimate weapon
for the U.S. if it can ever be found
in a classroom at one time. There
is doubt that this feat can be
accomplished.
Tapes will continue to be made
as the CIA keeps GHS under
observation. According to one
les
for $29.95
Grimsiey student Alfred X. Ray
says he has found out how to
produce human babies for the
incredible low price of $29.95.
The kit comes complete with
electro-motor, one Sabrina doll
(with remote control wetting
device) and one week’s supply of
electroencephalograph paper to
watch your kit baby’s brain jump
“when you apply the juice!”
That quote was taken from Mr.
Ray while being escorted off by
the police officials yesterday for
evaluation.
Earlier in the day, Mr. Ray had
been seen gulping large amounts
of smouldering liquid from a large
green test tube labeled “T.
Bird”. The liquid, not yet
positively identified by research
officials is believed to be some
sort of tile remover. High life
readers will be kept posted as
further reports come in.