Volume 72 No. 6 Grimsley High School 801 Westover Terrace Greensboro, NC 27408 April 1,1996 Cedric Cokely, a Grimsley security officer, was unexpectedly recalled to the Los Angeles Lakers on March 27. A rash of injuries have forced the Lakers to former try-outs like Cokely. “Ced’s wiry frame should allow for more mobility around the basket and safe storage in the overhead compartment,” Laker Coach Del Harris said. The Lakers have also had to cut down on travel costs. A lecture on world history will be deliv ered in the auditorium on April 7 by acclaimed speakers Ted '“Theodore” Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esq. When asked about the surprise trip to GHS, Preston replied “It’s history...and...GRIMSLEY HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!” Some students might remember the pair from their heavy-metal band Wyld Stallyns. The lecture’s hours will be, in the words of Logan, “From six to nine, dudes!” Jhe Student-faculty basketball game was such a success tliat the athletic department has decided to pursue Student-faculty games in other sports. Sign-up sheets for next week’s Smuckers wrestling contest will be in the base ment. Contestants will be forced to “dip” themsleves in a large jar of Smuckers pre mixed peanut butter/ and jelly, than jump on the wrestling mat and attempt to “pin” each other. The date for the Student-faculty string bikini contest is yet to be annormced. Air sick ness bags will be provided. 71ie staff at Biscuitville Restaurant de cided yesterday to pander to the needs of their young clients. Inside every biscuit served at the restaurant, the staff will place a wad of tobacco equivalent to that inside every ciga rette. The president of tlie company thought that by cutting out the middle man, namely, the gas stations where the yormgsters buy tire cigarettes, he could provide his customers an invaluable service and help purify the air at his restaurant. Latin Animiiin iHfiHi in^ By Rico Suave StaffWriter The National Guard was recently spot ted on the Grimsley campus after a riot was incited by crazed Menudo ter rorists. The band kicked off their comeback tour at Jamieson Stadium this past week. The South American music group, who made famous such hits as “Chocolate Candy,” and “You And Me All The Way,” has been off the air waves since the re lease of their self- titled album in 1985. The five young men are back, with no new material, but ready to rock. In an exclusive inter\dew, lead singer Alejandro Monroy revealed the group’s plans for the future. He said, "Now that we are all in elementaiy and middle school we’re going to tour across the country playing in local malls. Then we have been asked to sponsor ^ the first annual ‘Rock For Castro’ benefit concert.” It was with that air of success and confi dence that they entered the Grimsley arena, Whirlie students lost it when terrorists attacked at the Menudo concert. facing the entire student body, which was very enthusiastic. Without a warning, a group of Menudo terrorists attacked the young under developed superstars. The group was later identified as members of the New Kids On The Block, who were possessed by their jeal ousy over the still unchanged voices of the pre-pubescent rockers. The audience was swept with panic, and in the msh to escape the violent scene, a riot ensued. Fortunately the death toll was minimal, with only a few students mauled to death. When asked to comment on the situation Monroy said, “The riot was...very...well ...San Diemas High School football rules!” Fortunately, the terrorists’ deathly inten tions were deflected by the band’s bodyguards, Brutus The Barber Beefcake and Big Daddy Cool Diesel who proudly gave their lives for the protection of their em ployers, and in the process surrendered every chance of winning the Heavyweight Championship of tire World. When the situation esca lated, Mr. Penland was forced to call in professional help. The local ch^ter of the National Guard was called in to protect the safety of our foreign guests. BenDover,lhechiefoftheguanl said, “ I’ve never seen such violence over pu berty! The Grimsley students were simple vic tims ofthis aimeagainst humanity, and we won’t stand for this type of exorbitant behavior.” For tunately, the small army of guardsmen were able to crush the squall, and peace was restored. File photo Penland’s trip to Asia a front By Miss Moneypenny Secretary Supposedly, Mr. Penland traveled to Asia on February the 24th to promote multi- culturalism in schools around the world. New sources say, however, tliat the entire trip is a front, and that Mr. Penland is a se cret agent. Mr. Tliomas Penland’s job as Grimsley’s devoted principal is only an identity to pro tect him. Two years ago, he came to Grimsley after his cover had been blown as a used-car salesman. He had been working under cover, trying to expose a ring of reli gious vandals whose car graffiti served as a secret code fora guerilla group of Saddam Hussein’s supporters. Mr. Penland almost had tliem, but an unexpected visit from his wife blew his cover. The CIA had to re move him quickly and send in another agent. The exact reason for Mr. Penland’s so journ at Grimsley is a bit sketchy, with the exception of two prominent facts. One, this was the safest place the Central Intelligence Agency could think up for such a daredevil spy, and two, Europe’s Central Intelligence, ni Will seniors stay *fil June 17? pages HU page 10 Interpol, has gotten word of a secret orga nization of Australian terrorists bent on con quering and dominating Nortli America, starting with the United States. The odd smell surrounding tlie basement of Main Building led Interpol to believe that the group is working out of a nuclear labo ratory in the area. The trip to "Asia” was actually an emergency meeting called by both the CIA and Interpol in London to dis cuss strategy for tliis touchy situation. Many students were not surprised when Mr. Penland’s true identity was revealed. Robyn Kohn, a junior, said, “Yeah, I guess I can see Mr. Penland as a secret spy. I wouldn’t have known whose side he’s on, but you can definitely tell he’s a double agent. I mean, he’s got that smooth, suave, double agent hair, and he’s always hiding in his office.” Many here at Grimsley feel a lot safer now that Mr. Penland, the CIA’s bravest and most trusted spy, is in residence. Ace Ventura may not be real and tliere may be no James Bond, but watch out, you might see Thomas Penland parachuting off the roof of Main Building or jetting off with a rocket pack to catch the "bad guys."

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