Volume 72 No. 6
Grimsley High School
801 Westover Terrace
Greensboro, NC 27408
April 1,1996
Cedric Cokely, a Grimsley security officer,
was unexpectedly recalled to the Los Angeles
Lakers on March 27. A rash of injuries have
forced the Lakers to former try-outs like
Cokely.
“Ced’s wiry frame should allow for more
mobility around the basket and safe storage in
the overhead compartment,” Laker Coach Del
Harris said.
The Lakers have also had to cut down on
travel costs.
A lecture on world history will be deliv
ered in the auditorium on April 7 by acclaimed
speakers Ted '“Theodore” Logan and Bill S.
Preston, Esq. When asked about the surprise
trip to GHS, Preston replied “It’s
history...and...GRIMSLEY HIGH SCHOOL
FOOTBALL RULES!!”
Some students might remember the pair
from their heavy-metal band Wyld Stallyns.
The lecture’s hours will be, in the words of
Logan, “From six to nine, dudes!”
Jhe Student-faculty basketball game was
such a success tliat the athletic department has
decided to pursue Student-faculty games in
other sports. Sign-up sheets for next week’s
Smuckers wrestling contest will be in the base
ment. Contestants will be forced to “dip”
themsleves in a large jar of Smuckers pre
mixed peanut butter/ and jelly, than jump on
the wrestling mat and attempt to “pin” each
other. The date for the Student-faculty string
bikini contest is yet to be annormced. Air sick
ness bags will be provided.
71ie staff at Biscuitville Restaurant de
cided yesterday to pander to the needs of their
young clients. Inside every biscuit served at
the restaurant, the staff will place a wad of
tobacco equivalent to that inside every ciga
rette. The president of tlie company thought
that by cutting out the middle man, namely,
the gas stations where the yormgsters buy tire
cigarettes, he could provide his customers an
invaluable service and help purify the air at
his restaurant.
Latin Animiiin iHfiHi in^
By Rico Suave
StaffWriter
The National Guard was recently spot
ted on the Grimsley
campus after a riot
was incited by
crazed Menudo ter
rorists. The band
kicked off their
comeback tour at
Jamieson Stadium
this past week.
The South
American music
group, who made
famous such hits as
“Chocolate Candy,”
and “You And Me
All The Way,” has
been off the air
waves since the re
lease of their self-
titled album in
1985. The five young men are back, with
no new material, but ready to rock. In an
exclusive inter\dew, lead singer Alejandro
Monroy revealed the group’s plans for the
future. He said, "Now that we are all in
elementaiy and middle school we’re going
to tour across the country playing in local
malls. Then we have been asked to sponsor ^
the first annual ‘Rock For Castro’ benefit
concert.”
It was with that air of success and confi
dence that they entered the Grimsley arena,
Whirlie students lost it when terrorists attacked at the Menudo concert.
facing the entire student body, which was very
enthusiastic. Without a warning, a group of
Menudo terrorists attacked the young under
developed superstars. The group was later
identified as members of the New Kids On
The Block, who were possessed by their jeal
ousy over the still unchanged voices of the
pre-pubescent rockers. The audience was
swept with panic, and in the msh to escape
the violent scene, a riot ensued.
Fortunately the death toll was minimal,
with only a few students mauled to death.
When asked to comment on
the situation Monroy said,
“The riot was...very...well
...San Diemas High School
football rules!” Fortunately,
the terrorists’ deathly inten
tions were deflected by the
band’s bodyguards, Brutus
The Barber Beefcake and Big
Daddy Cool Diesel who
proudly gave their lives for
the protection of their em
ployers, and in the process
surrendered every chance of
winning the Heavyweight
Championship of tire World.
When the situation esca
lated, Mr. Penland was forced
to call in professional help. The
local ch^ter of the National
Guard was called in to protect the safety of our
foreign guests. BenDover,lhechiefoftheguanl
said, “ I’ve never seen such violence over pu
berty! The Grimsley students were simple vic
tims ofthis aimeagainst humanity, and we won’t
stand for this type of exorbitant behavior.” For
tunately, the small army of guardsmen were able
to crush the squall, and peace was restored.
File photo
Penland’s trip to Asia a front
By Miss Moneypenny
Secretary
Supposedly, Mr. Penland traveled to
Asia on February the 24th to promote multi-
culturalism in schools around the world.
New sources say, however, tliat the entire
trip is a front, and that Mr. Penland is a se
cret agent.
Mr. Tliomas Penland’s job as Grimsley’s
devoted principal is only an identity to pro
tect him. Two years ago, he came to
Grimsley after his cover had been blown as
a used-car salesman. He had been working
under cover, trying to expose a ring of reli
gious vandals whose car graffiti served as
a secret code fora guerilla group of Saddam
Hussein’s supporters. Mr. Penland almost
had tliem, but an unexpected visit from his
wife blew his cover. The CIA had to re
move him quickly and send in another
agent.
The exact reason for Mr. Penland’s so
journ at Grimsley is a bit sketchy, with the
exception of two prominent facts. One, this
was the safest place the Central Intelligence
Agency could think up for such a daredevil
spy, and two, Europe’s Central Intelligence,
ni
Will seniors stay
*fil June 17?
pages
HU
page 10
Interpol, has gotten word of a secret orga
nization of Australian terrorists bent on con
quering and dominating Nortli America,
starting with the United States.
The odd smell surrounding tlie basement
of Main Building led Interpol to believe that
the group is working out of a nuclear labo
ratory in the area. The trip to "Asia” was
actually an emergency meeting called by
both the CIA and Interpol in London to dis
cuss strategy for tliis touchy situation.
Many students were not surprised when
Mr. Penland’s true identity was revealed.
Robyn Kohn, a junior, said, “Yeah, I guess
I can see Mr. Penland as a secret spy. I
wouldn’t have known whose side he’s on,
but you can definitely tell he’s a double
agent. I mean, he’s got that smooth, suave,
double agent hair, and he’s always hiding
in his office.”
Many here at Grimsley feel a lot safer
now that Mr. Penland, the CIA’s bravest
and most trusted spy, is in residence. Ace
Ventura may not be real and tliere may be
no James Bond, but watch out, you might
see Thomas Penland parachuting off the
roof of Main Building or jetting off with a
rocket pack to catch the "bad guys."