Newspapers / Grimsley High School Student … / April 1, 1997, edition 1 / Page 3
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An article about naked people By Slap and Julie Fashion Reporters We’ve all dreamed of incorpo rating bean burritos and full fron tal nudity into the curriculum at Grimsley. Unfortunately that is out of the question ... except for the part about being butt naked. Educational analysts all over the world are predicting that by the year 2000 nudity will be fully in corporated into the IB program, and by 2008 all education. The project director, X.A. Bishonist, says of the program, “I really like to see naked teenagers, so 1 fig ured; HEY! Why not make it a rule!” No one knows who ap pointed Mr. Bishonist, but it is now known that his real name is Dr.Bobby 1-am-flabby-as-an-old- heifer (no relation to your mother). We, Slap and Julie, are 100% in favor of this program, for mally titled Get Neckedy 2000. We also yearn to see young, siz zling flesh running rampant through the breezeways at Grimsley. However, there are several legitimate arguments supporting Get Neckedy 2000. With the induction of this il lustrious plan, concealed weap ons would no longer be a prob lem. Not to mention the fact that everyone would be naked. Oh yeah we already said that. Also the school dress code wouldn’t be a problem, no one has any clothes on (if the administration desired, students could wear paint- on uniforms). The only nega tive aspects of mass nudity that we can think of are really awk ward P.E. and sex ed classes. There will be some loincloths available for the more timid stu "My furry feet will mesmerize you!" -Bilbo Baggins dents. Mrs. Teague said, ‘T think having naked little boys and girls running around school would be very bad.” But we are not wor ried about her ap parent opposition to the plan, be cause Bilbo Baggins and the Chippendale marching band will soon be mo tivational speak ers in an assem bly devoted to Get Neckedy 2000. This charismatic crew of mongrel circus freaks will surely change Mrs. Teague’s old fashioned ideas of “clothes in schools.” Mr. Baggins reportedly said, “My furry feet will mesmerize you!” Mr. Baggins is reportedly a fat crack pimp. SRO Robinette painted on the bathroom walls, “I hate short furry pimps.” Teachers as well as students are excited about the new move ment. Coach Ryan Walton, com menting on the new proposed policy, exclaimed, “Tm gonna swim naked with Bilbo!” Even furniture is ecstatic about Get Neckedy 2000. Some random table screamed, “Stop! In the naaaame of love! ” Freakin' clones can take over the world By Dolly 'Sheep In 1996, only eight people under the age of eighteen cloned animals- legally. These rare cases of legal cloning only existed in states such as New Mexico, where testing is being conducted by child prodigies at tempting to create a second, and equally complex, Macauly Culkin. However, this unique, and perhaps helpful study is the least of our country’s concerns. Cloning has become one of the most rampant and destructive habits among America’s teenagers today. In a recent poll taken by CNN, it was found that an aston ishing 43% of those aged between 9 and 19 participated in highly destructive clon ing involving more than 300 copies of a particular mammal, and nearly all were con sidered a felony. In addition to this, the poll showed that by the time students reach their senior year in high school, 98% will most likely have cloned at least one ani mal, which is a misdemeanor. To provide at: answer for this problem we must first identify its roots. A large number of people agree that parents are not teaching their children about the harmful effects of cloning, as they are not com pletely aware of its effects. Some teens are actually gene splicing themselves, adding grotesque features, such as a hook in place Volume 73 Issue 8 The High Life Staff throws away comments in the form of letters, e-mail, or elephant-riding messengers to the editor from students, faculty, smurfs, and guys in leotards. All letters must be signed in blood. The staff reserves the right to reject any letter, kick you in the groin, and hire Forrest Gump to shoot you in the butt-ocks. The High Life is published eight times a year and is produced by the students of Grimsley High School, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Greensboro, NC 27408. The High Life functions as a medium for creative journalistic pursuits and as a breeding ground for hybrid dogs that will be our tools to take over the world, as well as a training instrument for aspiring journalists and future pimps of America. The High Life func tions as a Roman forum for student expression. Editors in Chief: Wachel "Giggles" Gween and Sarah Paragraph, Mad Gangsta': Simon Newman Hounds: Brian Schiller, Emily Schiller (relation). Motivational Supervisors: Obi-WanKanobfExotic Dancing Eniiur^! 52.''ah Barrah Popsicle Stick, Mary' Bathroom Ross, and Anna Banana, Sports Editor: Tha Notorious M.A.R.K.., oauJ^usic Advisors. Reba Ariail and John Tesh, Ad Girls: Julie Samet and Jill Statham, Nunya Business: Alayi72i?ineham, Moses's Staff: Benny B. Blackwood, Sarah Blackwood (no relation), Kelly Cirincione, Lindsey Gulya, Nikia Jones, and Whitney Wrong, Nude Reporters: Cesar the Pleaser "Fat Boy in the Freezer" Alvarez, Jenny Ballen, Lydia Dietz, Emily Duquette, Lisa Ellisor, "The Soup Nazi" Fischer, Mark Gordon, Meg Anne Reins, Hallie Ra Ra Rojeski, Larry the Cucumber, and Sarah Warner Brother's, Meter Maid: Rita, Adviser: "Lovely Linda" Kidd. Yo Wliirlies... Speak Out of their left hand, a third ear, or a neck the length of a giraffe’s. In a recent episode of , 20/20, Hugh Downs ended the* show ex claiming, “It’s not the same as it was wh'en we were kids!” In rural Maine, a ten year old boy got his hands on enough DNA to clone sizable cult of one-eyed aerobics instruc tors. The instructors were then ordered by the boy, (whom they believed to be thei leader), to terrorize the town, killing thou sands. When you compare this with the simple Lassie clones that our parents did in the fifties, one finds that a problem exists. For those of you who think this prob lem only lives among hard core criminals, think again. This problem is reaching home. Just last Thursday, gene police stormed Mrs. Cea’s classroom confiscating thousands of suspicious strands of DNA. No comment has been made as to the re cent eruption of pandemonium in the New Science building. Arrests, hovvever, cannot cure an entire nation’s problem. Several theories exists as possibilities for ending cloning. One is to have a massive crackdown on the twisted thugs who are supplying DNA to our nation’s children. Another, and more lib eral idea, is to legalize cloning, as coun tries such as The Netherlands have already done. Whatever the solution is, it remains clear that something must soon be done. What is the greatest problem facing America today? "Fat Sumo wrestlers fighting over Swiss cake rolls" -Ed Goode, Senior Whirliegig photo "Two little skinned chick ens dancing together" -Lauren Polinsky, Softmore [Vhirliegig photo "Gimme a dollar" -Robert Bain, Soffmoore Whirliegig photo Other responses by people who broke the camera "I don't eat pastry cuz I just don't" -Ayeza Nxumalo, Fresh fish "I like the uneven bars because they do those cool flips and stuff -Tyler Bystrzycki, Soffomore "My dad: he takes me camping and fishing" -Derick White, Junior "A big butterfly and a small butterfly" -Denise Singley, S^ffsinere "Brussel because they smell nasty" -Nick Maggio, Freshman
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April 1, 1997, edition 1
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