Volume 75 No. 6
Grimsley HigjiScliool
SOrWestoveTizrrace
Aoril 1. 1999
Greensboro, NC 27408
Teachers recover from childhood mutations
The Page student body is voting to change its
mascot for the 1999-2000 school year. Evidently,
the "menacing" pirate has been frightening
students and faculty for many years. Among
the new candidate names are The Page Pals,
The Page Panzies, and finally The Page Peers,
all of which would certainly offer a friendlier
tone at sporting events.
Tn the coming weeks, Giimsley's auditorium will
be graced with yet another motivational
speaker. Contrary to more traditional acts of
spinning basketballs or old fashioned phone
book tearin,' this speaker will bestow his meth
ods of ancient dances and chants such as the
"Babba Stiggi." That's right! This year's
speaker is none other than "Perfect Stranger's"
BalkiBartokimus. Grimsley is hoping to bring
in more of T.G.I.F.'s all-time greats in the future.
With Spring Break just around the comer, try
outs for Grimsley's "The Grind" are now taking
place. Whirlies who know how to "get down
and dirty" are in demand. Additionally, many
Whirlies are pushing for an episode of "Singled
Out" to be filmed on campus.
All students interested in living on Grimsley's
summer commune need a teacher recommen
dation before signing up in the main office.
Although the leader has yet to be determined,
this year's cult promises to be just as flin and
informative as years past.
The front lawn football league also known as
the FLFL will be entering April Madness after
Spring Break. Tickets are going fast; all picnic
tables have aheady been filled. Next year there
will be a division of the league into two differ
ent groups: one for tackling and another for
the less physical who will touch gently. It has
been estabhshed that the far tree to the right is
out of bounds.
By Ghetto Spice
Spice Girls Groupie
An influx of the intelligent mutant
baby population of Greensboro has
many Grimsley students wondering
if the idiosyncrasies of their teach
ers are more than just peculiar per
sonality quirks.
Our sources have
shown that there are two
known classes of these
so-called mutations
found in small children.
However, as soon as one
of these innocent victims
discovers a passion
about something, their
powers begin to vanish.
One of these diseases,
the Go-Go-Gadget Baby,
has such features as the
Go-Go-Gadget Helicopter
for easy transportation
to the “Teletubbie
Show” on the television
and the Go-Go-Gadget
Diaper Changer. The use
of these helpful abnor
mal tools allows small
children to become more
independent at a young
age.
The other form of
mutation, the Stretch-
Armstrong baby, has the
ability to expand any part
of its rubbery body.
With this mutant form,
just a thought of move
ment can allow its ar; is
to stretch from one side
of the room to the other
low classmate, he could easily stretch
out his leg to trip this innocent by
stander. Along with this disturbing sce
nario, a family in Oklahoma is suing their
next door neighbor for their inability to
control their go-Go-Gadget Baby’s heli
copter because their child got 1 er eye
knocked out.
Mr. Larry Williamson, a Unitec States
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Although 'Mr. Williamson appears to be a normal human being, he has been
scarred ffor life by a mutation that is spreading through Grimsley.
for easy access to its our of reach
toys.
Many Americans may find these
diverse baby cases fascinating, but
the truth is that if these children are
not properly transformed back to
their human state, several problems
could occur in grade school. For
example, if a Stretch-Armstrong
middle school student disliked a fel
History Teacher, recalls his former Stretch-
Armstrong Mutant baby experience. “If it
wasn’t for Jeff Gordon and the almighty
world of NASCAR racing, I would still be
abnormal.” He later stated, “The only thing
I miss about my peculiarity is the fact
that I have to be shorter than everyone
else all the time. I no longer have easy
access to expanding my arms, legs, and
neck to reach a book on the top shelf or
see my way around a corner.”
Another innocent teacher that fell
victim to this major eccentricity is math
teacher Mrs. Jane Thorne-Peoples. This
ex-Gadget toddler reminisces and com
pares her old love of metal gadgets and
gismos to her passion for motorcycles
when she used to live in Chicago, Illi
nois. She remembers, “I use to love the
excitement of zooming
around my house with my
feet off the floor. Well, as
my love for Honda Motor
cycles increased, I didn’t
mind the fact that my eccen
tric mutant quirk was fad
ing.”
Experts believe that by
focusing the victims atten
tion on a certain obses
sion can alter their abnor
mal state back to human
qualities that are able to
walk through a security
system at the airport with
out having to empty their
pockets to explain their
gismos.
Several teachers are at
tending secret therapy
11
sessions as well as using
their odd obsessions to
rid themselves of this mu
tation. Mr. Dalton is re
quired to dine on Yum-
Yums’s hot dogs every
four to six hours, and Ms.
Cooper must spray at least
two to three students per
day with her water bottle.
Even Mrs. Lackey is
forced to adapt to this
disease by having to pa
rade her holiday outfits several times
throughout the holiday months.
Grimsley students are confused by
the bizarre fact that all of these confes
sions came from classrooms in the Old
Science Building. Is this just a coinci
dence, or are more Grimsley teachers re
maining ananonymous in a low profile
conspiracy?