Low Life Sabado, 1 Abril 2000
Mambo
Attention rising juniors and se
niors: South Carolina Clown Col
lege is offering a seven-week
summer program in pie dynam
ics and seltzer water. Interested
students should see Mr. Hands
for an application.
This week Grimsley’s Students
Against Drunk Driving (SADD)
will be participating in the 5th An
nual High school Frown-Off,
Proceeds will benefit Prozac re
search.
The debate team participated in
another competition last week,
but the event was postponed
when the competition was
brought to a standstill when
someone posed the question
“Got Milk?”
Students are reminded that once
again this year the Garbage and
Trash club has invited the
Greensboro Bee Swarm to
Grimsley this spring. They would
like to thank all the lazy and pa
thetic Whirlies who made their
arrival possible.
Any students interested in the
Worthless Hole in the Ground
Club should meet by the flag pole
Thursday after school. This
year’s projects will include the
auxiliary gym, the tennis courts,
and Page Senior High School.
Mrs. Teague has announced that
starting next Monday, students
will be encouraged to wear hats
in the building, along with over
alls and comfortable shoes as
Grimsley will begin its week long
“Paint the Main Building to Save
Money!” celebration. Brushes
will be provided.
A message from your Friendly
SRO: We can see you, always!
Ms. Green announced today that
in an effort to save time, the an
swer to all inquiries is “Abso
lutely not. I repeat, absolutely
not.”
Starting next week, the
Exchangettes will be selling
friendship, compassion, and
sympathy in various amounts
until next Friday. Interested stu
dents should see Mrs. Thorne-
Peoples or their Exchangette rep
resentative. Ifyou don’t get help
from the Exchangettes, please get
help somewhere.
Screen legend enrolls at Grimsley
By The Wet Bandits
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! ”
Anyone and everyone who has
been at Grimsley lately has noticed
there’s a definite buzz in the air—and
it’s not just horrific swarms of bees or
the mundane hum of the useless
ceiling fans—something big is
happening. Students have excitedly
whispered rumors in classrooms, and
one question has been on every
Whirlie’s mind: Is Silver Screen legend
Macauley Culkin coming to our
beloved high school?
The answer was made official this
week—a resounding “Yessir!” The
dramatic master will be attending our
humble haven starting in two weeks.
During the filming of his greatest
works-the psychological thriller
“Home Alone,” and the lighthearted
science fiction classic “Home Alone
2,” Culkin was unable to earn a high
school diploma with the top-notch
tutors Warner Brothers provided him.
“When you’re filming a flick as intense
and demanding as “Home Alone” you
have a hard time concentrating on
anything else, especially schoolwork,”
said the excited film star. So after two
years of soul searching and a brief
stint on “Hollywood Squares” in the
prestigious middle position, Culkin
decided to come back to high school
and finish his education.
“It wasn’t that I missed school or
, McAlister photo
Junior Adam Berman agreed to be Macauley Culkin’s guide during his first day on campus. Culkin
requested a guide because of his fear of being left alone.
nothin’, just nowadays most fast food
restaurants say a fella needs to pass
pre-algebra, and I never got over that
hill,” said the newest Whirlie.
So now Macauley is just like any
other high school freshman: he takes
six classes a day and also plans to get
involved early and often in school
activities. ‘ ‘My social worker says they
are good,” concluded Culkin. The star
will sing with the Madrigals and throw
the javelin for the track and field team.
Of course the other question on
everyone’s mind has to be whether or
not the legend of stage and screen will
be performing in any of Grimsley’s
dramas. “I’d love to work again, but at
this point I mainly want to focus on
staying out of trouble and working on
this tough 500 piece puzzle I got for
my birthday,” he said.
Macauley has said the process of
deciding on a high school to finish his
education was a fairly short one: “I
wanted a school with a good academic
record, little or no air conditioning,
and a lot of water fountains; I
looooove water.” Culkin also
considered Page High School, but
could not attend. Apparently, the
school had already filled its quota for
mindless seatfillers.
All in all, Culkin is looking forward
to a bright future at Grimsley. “The
way I see it, Rhode Island is neither a
road, nor an island - know what I
mean?”
We certainly do, Macauley, we
certainly do.
What’s your sign?
By Libra
Tipping the Scales
Encouraged by the success of their
“Wash Your Hands” program, the AP
sign-making class has decided to
expand their horizons. “We just
decided that if we can help people
with their hygiene, there’s no limit to
what we can do,” says a sophomore,
who enrolled in the class after hearing
countless colleges requesting at least
two years of it.
A junior says, “Well, after we had
done so well with the hand-washing
thing, we figured the next logical step
would be to work on the student
parking lot.” Whirlies may have
noticed the ‘Take Off Your Emergency
Brake” signs lining each parking space.
The class is also studying to make a
“Use Your Clutch When You Change
Gears” sign, which students can expect
to see sometime after Spring Break.
Some of the underclassmen in the
standard sign-making class are putting
up signs in student lockers. Two of
the most popular ones to date are
“Close Your Locker” and “Get Your
English Book.” Student praise for
these locker signs has been
overwhelming. One .sophomore says
“Who the @#$% do they think they
are, my @ %$#&(# mother?” Ajunior
adds, “How the %#@& did these
#@$%#^$ break into my $#%^&$&
locker.”
As the end of the third quarter
approaches, the AP students have
decided they need to go back to what
they started on. “If it wasn’t for the
bathroom campaign, we never would
have enjoyed this kind of success,”
says one of the leading officers in the
class. And so they are now beginning
to place their “Pull Up Your Pants”
signs on the inner doors of stalls.
Although the advice may seem
elementary, one staff member in the
English department speaks in its
defense: “You know, especially now
that my head is filled with essays,
homework, exams, and a lot of things
and, well, sometimes Ijust forget, and
that’s when that’s when I’m glad
we have the sign-making program here
at Northeast I mean Grimsley.”
Attendance policy
Continued from page 1
from life’s other side and play the
part of the naive, neglectful admin
istrator for awhile.”
Mr. Sourpuss agrees with his co
board member, Ms. Touchstone,
when he says, “I agree with my
co-board member, Ms. Touch
stone. You’re right, that wasn’t
so hard to say. Now where’s my
money?”
Life at Grimsley promises to be
far more luxurious under the new
attendance policy. Perhaps Jimmy
Whimpers, a sophomore, captures
student jubilation best when he
says, “I’ve been whining about this
and that for fifteen and a half years
now. It’s about time somebody lis
tened up and started catering to
my every want and need!”
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