Volume 78 No. 7
Grimsley High School
801 Westover Terrace
Greensboro, NC 27408
Monday, April 1, 2002
TTiis year’s Junior/Senior Prom
theme is prison. Photo pack
ages will be specially designed
mug shots with Sheriff Hege’s
picture in the background.
Chaperones will be equipped
with cattle prods. There will
also be a small recess yard for
those wishing to take a break
from the dance floor by bench
pressing. Attire will be prison
stripes and buzz cuts.
Attention: Would the eight
girls involved in last week’s cat
fight please stop by the atten
dance office to retrieve two
items of clothing and twenty-
seven acrylic nails found in the
aftermath. Color verification is
required for proof of owner
ship.
Ms. Green would like to remind
all Main building lunch stu
dents that there is a reason you
didn’t make the basketball
team. Walk to the trash can to
dispose of leftovers. 1 repeat;
walk to the trashcans to dis
pose of leftovers.
Owner’s apologies: The rust-
orange ’71 Pinto with chrome
52” rims, viper alarm system,
and multi-shaded tinted win
dows was not stolen. It was
located at the city dump where
it was dropped off after being
mistaken for construction
scraps.
Mr. Worster is sponsoring an
essay contest, the topic being
Mr. Worster Does Not Know
Everything.” Final copies are
to be turned into the guidance
office by the end of this week,
typed, and double-spaced. No
prizes will be awarded, as Mr.
Worster doubts that any sub
mission could prove that P.
Diddy could do the “Harlem
Shake” better than he could.
From your friendly SRO: Cut
your hair and get a job, you
dirty hippie.
Failing student consoled by stickers
Local student receives low
grade on her math test,
despite her claim that she
studied for “like a gazillion
hours.”
By Anita Qeverbyline
Desperate Editor
At 9:47 on Thursday, March
14, Kelh-Tiffani Sueman sat down
on her bed and opened her note
book. It was a Lisa Franx Trap
per Keeper, the kind with fluo
rescent yellow panda bears
frollicking amidst a sea of hot
pink and baby blue bubbles.
“I like pandas. They’re, like,
way cute,” Kelli-Tiffani said.
She opened her notebook,
turned seven pages, and read her
notes.
Then she did it again.
All for a big, fat “F.”
Kelli-Tiffani got a 67 on her
math test last week. “I studied
for like a gazillion hours,” she
said, and then proceeded to make
odd whimpering noises for the
rest of the interview, resembling
the sounds an overheated ferret
might make when preening itself
for a hot date.
“I mean, I studied like, way
more than usual. Like, totally a
whole lot,” she said.
But despite her studying, she
missed questions 1-3, 8, 14, 19,
20, and 22. Also, she forgot to
put her name on the test, which
she took using a pen with lime
green gel ink.
“Gel ink is nice. Only it like
washes totally off when you use
it to give yourself temporary tat
toos,” said Kelli-Tiffani.
Then she whimpered some
more. “1 even put like my very
last Lisa Franx ballerina sticker
beside my name because I
thought it would help. Her
beauty and grace just like totally
inspired me. And now I just
can’t help thinking that maybe
the baby unicorn scratch-and-
sniff sticker would have helped
like way more. It like totally
haunts me.”
Since receiving her grade,
Kelli-Tiffani has spent her time
in a desperate search for an
swers. Why did she get such a
bad grade on her test?
“I think that maybe the
teacher hates me because I’m so
like different from everyone else.
“I mean I totally de
served like a way higher
grade. I even studied
this girl’s paper who
sits in front of me, and
she like totally usually
passes.”
-Kelli-Tiffani Sueman,
grade 10
I feel like the dash thingy in my
name and the ‘i’s at the end re
ally make me stand out. I swear
that lady like totally hates me just
because I have such an original
name. I mean, I totally deserved
like a way higher grade. I even
studied this girl’s paper who sits
in front of me, and she like to
tally usually passes. That girl’s
really weird. She always dresses
in like black, and while that’s to
tally slimming, it does like noth
ing for her complexion. She al
ways gives me mean looks. I
think maybe she doesn’t like me
because I’m so gorgeous.”
Kelli-Tiffani’s disastrous ge
ometry test has also wrecked her
personal life.
“Making out with my boy
friend Chuck is like way less fun
than usual,” Kelli-Tiffani said.
“Dude, she... uh... she...
uh... she’s all... no good. Why
you not write more articles with
football?” Chuck commented. “I
like football. And steak.”
Kelli-Tiffani has recently en
tered a program to help her re
cover from her academic shock.
“They’re like totally way sup
portive,” she said. “I am so on
the road to recovery.”
But until then, Kelli-Tiffani
will just have to take comfort in
the one person who has never
let her down or given her a bad
grade; Lisa Franx.
“I’m going to start the
Grimsley branch of the Lisa Franx
fan club,” Kelli-Tiffani said. “My
mom says that starting this club
will totally give me direction.
And Lisa Franx has done like so
much for like breaking stereo
types about chicks and stuff.
She deserves way more credit
than she gets and she totally did
not hook up with that guy at her
neighbor’s cousin’s party like
Beth did last Friday and Satur
day and Sunday morning before
church. Lisa Franx is like way
progressive.”
Buried Treasure
Thought all that construc
tion was going to beautify
the school? Not accord
ing to this construction
worker. It seems all that
digging is actually part of
Mrs. Teague’s plan, sup
ported by archivist Harry
Bradley, to unearth legend
ary treasure beneath the
school grounds. Legend
has it that a South African
diamond miner with a
monacle buried the treasure
while trying to escape from
a pack of rabid weasles who
thought the diamonds were
food. He planned to come
back and get it later but
sadly, he did not get out
alive. “She just told us to
dig until we found it,” said
the worker, who wishes to
remain anonymous. “I’ve
been in this same hole for
two weeks—nothing! Stu
pid buried treasure.”
■A ^
HI
■■
m
Weeks photo
Where’s Nicole?
We don’t know. Really,
we don’t. We were won
dering if you could help.
We’ll give you money!
page 3
Internet Talk
Sweeps Grimsley
Excessive internet lan
guage has student body
ROTFL. J/K! TTFN.
pages
Boy Gets Hit
By Small Stick
After a night in the ER, he
was released with only a
Transformers Band-Aid.
page?
You know you want to....l
Bat-boy expose 2
You ’re almost there 3
It's finally over. 4