^3^ ''S''
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Grimsley High School
801 Westover Terrace
Greensboro, NC 27408
Tuesday, April 1, 2003
Student receives lawful
code for unlawful absence
EniOVdbIfi s^nrinn W^athc^r IwKt” oo;^ A4^ : •
The Junior/Senior Prom for 2003
will be held on Friday, April 25th
atChickfil-A The dress is semi-
I feathered. Please RSVP to cor-1
porate America.
/Ittention all monkeys: Mon
keys cannot read.
I Attention Steven Tyler: Please
stop suing Grimsley for ovemse
of the phrase “Walk this way’
Students have already suffered |
enough.
A/ovanet will no longer be of
fered at Grimsley since no one
knows quite what it is. Stay]
[ tuned for Supemovanet.
From your friendly SRO: Please |
stop asking me to find your pets.
I am not a pet detective; I have I
I feelings. I need to focus on more
important matters, like stopping
students from parking in the|
lower lot. Thank you.
Hey Look over there.
Fveiy Tuesday night is Chick fil-
I A Night. Every Monday,
Wednesday, Thursday and Fri-
I day is Chick fil-A Day. Please
support Chick fil-A instead of at-1
tending classes at Grimsley.
Enjoyable spring weather
has had a negative effect on
the student body’s bodies.
Instead of frolicking outside,
many ’are staying in to
scratch their noses.
By King Tutankamen
I'm smarter than you
At approximately 8:32 a.m. yes
terday, junior Mary Mclanton en
tered the attendance office and
turned in a note signed by her
mother. She received a lawful code.
At af^roximately 1:43 p.m. yester
day Mclanton bragged about her
day ofFto a classmate. By3:45p.m.,
school officials, faculty, Grimsley
students and the community were
questioning the very existence of
good in the world.
On Thursday night, Mclanton
decided not to do her history IDs
and instead to watch “Date My
Mom.” Then she couldn’t fall
asleep. “The guilt of watching re
ality TV plagued me, I felt as
though I was lying in a bottomless
pit, waiting for a pendulum to dis
member my rapidly undulating
body,” she said. After giggling vi
ciously and doing a sort of evU-look-
ing claw thing with her hands a few
times, she continued, “Then I real
ized I’d made myself so sick I
couldn’t possibly go to school the
next day.”
Mclanton began her seemingly
lawful day by putting on white
socks, after Labor Day. “Like any
one would even pay attention to
that, I mean, uh, like, uh,” she said.
Mclanton then committed one of
the most horrifying acts of the day,
she yelled “Gosh dang it!”
“She took the Lord’s name in
vain! Now that is just a despicable
unlawful sin,” said clergyman
Jonathan Pureheartshmureheart.
“With the old attendance policy,
taking the Lord’s name in vain
would automatically change a cat
egory zero into a category one, a
category one into a category two,
and a category two into a category
three. In my eyes, receiving a cat
egory three is like playing chess
with the devil.”
Mclanton then went to Hardee’s
to get lunch. “She didn’t even go
to Chick fil-A. If she mentioned
Grimsley, the school would get
money,” said media specialist Ms.
Perpetuallyrunningwaters. “lam
personally very saddened by this
tragedy with the school’s atten
dance system.
After supporting the wrong
fast-food restaurant, the unlawful
ness of Mclanton’s day continued
in a downward shame spiral.
Mclanton robbed a liquor store,
killing one cashier and leaving
another paralyzed from the right
ankle down. The excitement of the
shooting encouraged Mclanton to
commit more unlawful acts. She
shot her own father 15 times in the
chest after downing one bottle of
Jack Daniel’s fruit cocktail.
Upon discovering the body of
her late husband, Mclanton’s
mother said, “I can’t believe he is
dead. It is just so sad I know that
my httle girl didn’t do it but I’ll still
write her a note for her absence.”
Although Mclanton wore white
socks after Labor Day, went to
Hardees, robbed a store and
commited patricide, she still re
ceived a lawful code because her
mother wrote a note. The princi
pal, Mr. Principal, was disturbed
by her receiving a lawful cocte, and
beUeves a change should be made.
“We have got to stop monsters like
this junior who mock the atten
dance policy. If students choose
to commit unlawful acts that ques
tion the very foundation of human
ity, then they will never receive a
lawful code, not on my watch at
least,” said Mr. Principal.
Students gathered around the
flagpole after school yesterday to
discuss their feelings regarding the
Mclanton incident. “I would feel
better knowing that the school is
safe from unlawful doers receiving
lawful absences. I never thought
terrorism would come to Greens
boro,” said senior Tanika
Grishamnottheauthor.
The tragedy of the awful lawful
unlawful absence is one that the
Grimsley community hopes will
never again be repeated. “I hope
the trage^ of the awful lawful un
lawful absence is one that the
Grimsley community will never
have to deal with again,” said Mr.
Principal. “The new attendance
policy was supposed to end the
days of wanton lawlessness. I just
don’t understand; I just don’t un
derstand.”
Chick fil-A: Source of geopolitical strife'^
I -Attention all reality television!
fans: Grimsley students and fac
ulty can audition for a new real-1
[ ity television show this month.
The show will feature people}
watching reality television.
The first meeting of the “l|
Started a Random Club” organi
zation will be held ne.xt Tuesday I
inroom666. The club will be fea-
I tured on the first page of thej
High Life next month.
Bananas grow on trees, but
money does not. With the
invention of new banana
Jewelery, it seems as though
money could grow on trees.
Candyman
I’m a man; I like candy
The latest line of Chick-fil-A’s
commercials features a car outside
a burger joint being crushed by a
large sign, the work of those hu
morous Chick-fil-A cows. But just
exactly how humorous are these
cows? According to Gerald Wayne
Payne, not very.
Payne is one of the students re
cently drafted into lunch time ven
dor duty selling sandwiches. The
only one of the students willing to
share his story, Payne describes
the dark underbelly of the chicken-
based food industry.
At first I just had to give up
my limch once a month,” crowed
Payne.
Unforturrately for Payne, the
horror didn’t stop there.
“The horror didn’t stop there. I
was udderly astonished at how
quickly it all went sour. The caf
eteria people asked me to wear a
Chick-fil-A uniform under my nor
mal clothes. Man, did that chafe.
It was getting weird, so I took the
bull by the horns and hoofed on
over to Mr. Gasparello,” squawked
Payne.
Little did Payne know, Mr.
Gasparello was abreast of the situ
ation the whole time.
“Mr. Gasparello was abreast of
the situation the whole time. I
could tell harsh words wouldn’t
cow him; he’s a real tough egg to
crack. I told him all my concerns,
that Chick-fil-A and/or their bovine
associates were using Grimsley as
easy access to slave-labor and/or
a training ground for future empJoy-
ees, that the
polyester/
rayon blend of
the uniform
was causing a
rash, and that
our casual atti
tude towards
sex is corrupt-
Only you
(Can open this
paper)
ing our youth,” clucked Payne
Mr. Gasparello, however, had
alrea(fy been steered in the wrong
direction.
“Mr. Gasparello had already
been steered in the wrong direc-
tioa He dismissed me and opened
his drawer to write me a note back
to class. Inside, I saw a great big
box of those waffle fries,” uddered
Payne.
Those belligerent bovines.
those cantankerous cattle, those
shifty steers, those heinous heif
ers had alrearfy hatched a foul plot
and bought
out Mr. Gasp)-
arello.
“Those.. .>eah,
had already
hatched a foul
plot and
bought out
Mr.Gaspar-
m
it
1 chickfila.com
elio. I had to tell the people, so I
went to the one source I knew
could help me. Blue. They rejected
me, so I came straight to the High
Life,” churned out Payne.
So, the next time you partake of
poultry, remember the famous
words of the great Troy McClure.
“If a cow ever got the chance, he’d
eat you and everyone you care
about.” Which barnyard animal
should you really be eating?
Mr. Woody implodes. Oxygen: Could it steal
replodes. your children?
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