Page The Fourth Thug Life
Orange
Roamin’ Rhino Ricky escapes
zoo, really wreaks havoc
El Cinco de Mayo
Science teacher’s noble
intentions prove hazardous
after guest rhinocerous goes
bonkers beyond expectation.
BYDARARAISINCRAYONS
Mad Scientist and Environmentalist
T /flministrators canceled plans
f(it Jhe new Advanced Placement
codrse "AP Endangered Species"
March 20 after a trial lab went
horribly wrong, resulting
in traumatized students and
damaged school property. The
new class objectives integrate
studying the causes for decreased
wildlife, means to prevent
further destruction, scientific
breakthroughs in the subject
matter, and a weekly monitoring
session of endangered species
conducted first-hand on
school grounds.
Science teacher, Barry O'Reef,
pulled rising juniors and seniors
out of early lunch over the span of
one week for a pilot class. O'Reef
did so in order to experiment with
the format of the course and to
determine whether a large enough
student base existed to offer the
course during the 2006-2007
school terms. Students jumped for
joy when they heard about the
subject of the class and the hands-
on atmosphere it would provide.
"A class like, um what's it
called? Oh yeah, AP Endangered
Species, would allow me to slack
off and pet cool animals," said
junior Faye Kinnit.
During the first four days of the
trial, students learned about the
nearly extinct Canadian yellow
Rhinoceros, Rhinocerae canadiyellus.
O'Reef lectured the class about
negative effects global warming
and pollution have on the species,
and students prepared for their
observation lab planned for the
fifth and final day of the trial.
Handlers from the North
Carolina Zoological Park in
Asheboro brought Ricky the
Canadian Yellow Rhinoceros for
the class's observation lab on
Friday. Originally, handlers were
planning to allow Ricky to roam
around the grove area during the
observation period, but because of
fear that he would consume or
trample the newly pfahted
pansies, administrators
tactfully suggested that he go up
to the wide hallway on
the second floor of the
main building.
Two-ton Ricky easily fit into
the elevator, and students
eagerly awaited his arrival with'
cameras and clipboards in hand.
Ricky began gracefully to glide
down the hallway when
handlers say he "went berserk."
"Ricky the Rhino, well, he
saw this little freshman kid
wearing a USA T-shirt trying to
open his locker. The kid couldn't
seem to get it open; he just kept
kicking it," said senior Freda D.
Dark.
Ricky the Rhino allegedly
began racing towards
"freshman kid," Owen Monie,
and seconds before Ricky
reached him, Monie opened his
locker and hid inside.
"Dude, it was mad scary. I
was just all twisted up in that,
uh, locker. It smelled like
something died in there, yo,"
said Monie.
Ricky began ramming his
snout against the locker, which
he continued to do for over ten
minutes. When handlers finally
gained control of him by
gathering the Madrigals to sing
his namesake's song, "Livin' La
Vida Loca,"’ the local fire
department arrived and used the
"jaws of life" machine to pu
Monie from the caved-in wall of
lockers.
Monie remarkably escaped
unscathed from the nearly fatal
locker incident and claimed a
"miracle" saved him.
"Word. It smelled so nasty in
.there that I could've died,
said Monie.
Officials from the North
Carolina Zoological Park in
Asheboro informed the public
March 23 that handlers were
preparing to release Ricky into
his natural habitat in Alberta,
Canada because he could no
longer reside in the USA due to
his strong anti-American
sentiments, which allegedly were
what drove him to attack during
the AP Endangered Species lab.
"YellowCanadian
Rhinoceroses have strong
nationalist feelings that they
exercise on a regular basis. Ricky
must have felt threatened by the
student's patriotic T-shirt, which
explains why he attacked him
while he was cowering in his
locker. Anirnals are people like
you and mel^ They get angry
about grave political issues like
the Canadian vs. American pop-
culture conflict.’" People just need
to understand," *said rhinoceros
expert Dr. Constapce Noring.
Shaken up after hearing the word “extinetion,” Ricky the R^iino takes
off in pursuit ofAP Endangered Species students. With the help of the
Madrigals, Ricky calmed down in time for a snack of peanuts anp Gatorade.
Up Close with Senior Athletes
BYGNARLYKNIGHT
Chessman/Skater
Name: Axle Nutgrind
Grade: 12th
Sport: Skateboarding
Position: Dude...I skateboard.
We don't have positions. Duh
Length of time playing sport:
Since I was in the womb...it's a
part of my soul. Dude.
Biggest Accomplishment:
Completing my first 360...it
rocked.
Plans after High School: To
qualify for the X-Games and
win
Pre-Game Rituals: Kneel before
my shrine of Vans, wax, and
wheels.
Good Luck Charm: My board
shorts. I've never washed
them; they smell like whoa-
nasty.
Best Aspect of the sport: The
victory
Favorite Class: Lunch. I sleep
through the rest.
Most Prized SPossession: My
board that Tbny Hawk signed.
I like stalked him for
two monthi. Dude. He's so
awesome."^
Role Modbl: Tony Hawk
Two Iterriis to bring on a
desert island: my board and
my luckj^ shorts.
% «
Pre-Game Rituals: Uuuhh...
sometimes I uhh...k-k-iss
every chess piece, and
afterwards
polish them all.
Good Luck Charm: My g-g-
glasses. They are "Harry
Potter" like and the tape
around them has been on the
nose piece since the school
bully punched me in the
fourth grade.
Best Aspect of the sport: The
thought process. I get a rush
from analyzing the moves I can
make:;against an opponent.
Favorite Class: AP Calculus
Most Prized Possession:
uhh|...umm...My King, K-K-
King Checkmate
Role Model: Bobby F-F-Fischer
Two Items to bring on a desert
island: My chess set and my
robot to be my opponent.
Name: Bishop Rookyer Pawn
Grade: 12th
Sport: Chess
Position: Master and
Commander of m-m-my Chess
pieces
Length of time playing sport:
11 years
Biggest Accomplishment:
Winning the North Carolina
Chess Tournament at age 5
against a 16-year-old.
Plans after high school: To a-a-
attend MIT and continue my
pursuit of the
International Chess
Championship.
SCOOTERS
Rent an easy to operate Rascal Scooter.
So easy even your jrandma can use it.
M i
m
Internet
Traffic slows down during inclement weather, but school bus drivers need not worry; they enjoy such days off.
Students sleep in after finishing hours of homework, while educators recuperate after their evening collaboratives.
Inclement weather provides
scapegoat for partying profs
Canceling school across
the entire county seems
unfounded when barely a
snowflake falls in the Triad.
BYBROOKETEMPESTQUIST
Staff Climate Controller
Guilford County School
Syte^'s weather policy is
expected to change for the 2006-
07 term. Any time forecasters
predict rain accompanied by cold
temperatures, we will have a
delay. Over the course of the past
year, GCS has issued delays or
cancellations because of a-rmere;
snow flurry or the slightest
threat of wintry weather.
However, it is well known that
the Piedmont and Coastal
regions of North Carolina have
not seen the wrath of Jack Frost
since the glacial ice storm of 1802,
during which he was grossly
offended by the South's citizens'
lack of carriage-driving skills.
Thus, this reporter would like to
reveal the inside scoop
concerning the true motivations
of District Office officials, on
behalf of area principals.
Shortly after the completion of
the GCS NIGHTS OUT CLUB,
located at 801 Westover Terrace,
administrators at all levels sought
reasons to call off school so they
could party with their colleagues
and teachers could party with
their students. The premise for
such behavior stems from the
recent mandate of Advisor/
Advisee sessions.
"After all, building
relationships is what AA sessions
are all about," said Assistant
Principal Hugo Down D'Knight.
When Dr. Otto Matick Brakes,
head of the GCS Department
rI ^ti onx; p 51
an inclement weather
announcement, he is not
necessarily referring to the
dangerous curves found on icy
roads or the blinding flash of
strobe lights. Instead, Brakes is
conscientiously addressing the
dangerous and rapidly declining
learning curves, as illustrated by
North Carolina's standardized
test scores.
"When grades go down, we all
go down," said Superintendent Dr.
Terrier Heartout Greed.
In a recent press release from
the Superintendent's office.
Greed supported Brakes in his
latest plan.
"The cold weather and
precipitation mixed together
can lead to more trouble than
you think. In fact, frigid
temperatures contribute to
frostbite, insomnia, and
psychotic behavior. Therefore,
we at GCS believe it is safest for
students to stay at home on
days of our choosing... uh,
inclement weather."
Therefore, planning spring or
summer trips in advance
would not be prudent since
school will more than likely be
in session all of April, and
graduation will probably be
postponed to mid-July.
Pouring rain leads to
flooding. When temperatures
drop below freezing, rain causes
sleet. When snow falls in huge
drifts under windy conditions,
avalanches are possible.
Guilford County residents
could be trapped in their homes
for days at a time.
"Whatever you do, don't
panic, people. Just party!"
said Brakes.
Valente’s calling cards
ain’t no party invitations
While reliable substitutes
are difficult to find, school
administrators must learn to
say no. Substitute teacher
Vito Valente takes juvenile
delinquents into his own
hands; students disappear.
BYWELLIEGIBSONVILLE
Squealer to the Cops
If 'Welkknown racketeer Vito
Valentine" Valente, most
inf|m(|us for leaving roses on the
bodies of his victims, finds part-
time work at Grimsley High as a
substitute teacher. It has been
suggested that Valente is the
mastermind behind the recently
planned Great Grimsley
Depression of 2006, which left a
pile of blood-red calling cards
for students.
It is a recognized fact Valente
strolls around campus with a
suspicious violin case, which
contains tools of torhire, like pens,
geometric compasses, old rusty
scissors, and pocket dictionaries.
"Mr. Valente doesn't really use
them; they are just there to scare
the children," said junior
Clarissa Clueless. The foreign
language department seems to be
drawn to his way of teaching. In
fact, a recent poll found that 75
percent of teachers chose Valente
as their favorite substitute.
"When Mr. Valente subs in my
class, all the students turn in
their work, I get good reports, and
he is always willing to come
back," said Ye 40-Year-Old Eller
Feller Virgil.
Recently, the Greensboro
Police Department conducted a
major investigation on Valente,
and results were astonishing.
Evidence supports that Valente
is not only affiliated with the
M.O.B (Managers of Behavior),
but he is also in charge of the
enitire garnet of Greensboro mob
operations. Valente is known
around the school for his pleasing
personality, but when a kid
crosses him, he pulls the
youngster aside and threatens to
leave a special calling card for
him.
"Anyone familiar with school
policy knows that receiving a
calling card from a substitute
means you are in grave danger,"
said senior stooge. Studies the
Guilford County Schools
Research and Development Team
conducted show that 20 percent
of teachers county-wide
distribute conduct grades based
upon notes substitutes leave.
Additional surveys Grimsley
High staff completed reveal that
15% of the student body has
mysteriously disappeared since
the employment of Valente.
Greensboro authorities are
watching Valente very closely as
a result of an anonymous tip that
he is planning to leave calling
cards for sophomores before
Spring Break.
"This would be the biggest
disaster since the Great Grimsley
Depression back in '92," said
Officer Samuel Swinetrough.
Grimsley principal Gaspee
Roberfello alerted all teachers
that until further notice, any
threats left by Valente, or other
M.O.B members, should be
reported immediately.
After a long Investigation, the
Greensboro Police Department
charged Valente with leaving
calling cards without probable
cause. He is now serving out his
sentence by writing thank-you
notes to well behaved students
for the next 6.17 years. Valente is
eligible for parole in February of
2013 1/2.
Before Greensboro police
shipped him off to a high-security
prison in Newark, New Jersey,
Valente made an oath: "When I
get outa here. I'll be back, and I'll
finish what I started. Heed
my words 'cuz the time'll come
when all yous guys will face the
music, and it ain't gonna
be pretty."