31 Mars 2006
Monkey
Right Life Page 3
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This summary, by definition
comprehensive, especially
covering the main points
succinctly. Therefore, it is
about the circus, like the
headline says.
BY BOZO THE CLOWN
President of the Circus
Point: the Circus was totally lame
this year
Ringling Brothers and Barnum
& Bailey performed at
Greensboro Coliseum this
February in an annual
appearance. Although the circus
is usually associated, with
nostalgia of exciting
entertainment and daring
exploits, this year it failed to
impress. Popularly known as the
famous "three ring circus," many
spectators were disappointed
with the scaled back one ring
circus featured.
Breaks in the action featured
three wisecracking elephants
that made interesting but
generally non-humorous
comments much to the chagrin
of spectators. Joining the
elephants in the animal kingdom
was the group of Russian
Cossacks riding their horses,
who performed tricks ranging
from lame to boring. The
highlight of the animal
performers centered on a group
of house cats, replacing the long-
used tigers and lions. These cats,
while offering comic
entertainment, ultimately
were unimpressive.
Bringing slapstick comedy to
the crowd were antics of the
always adored clowns. These
skits included a large-scale food
fight and an intense go-cart race.
To be completely honest, the
clowns were a bit disappointing
and came off as juvenile in
their performance.
On the subject of
disappointment, what is a circus
without a trapeze artist?
Although acrobatics would seem
exciting, the female trapeze artist
femui^d seemed eontenff to swing
back" and forth 'bfi'ahd' trapeze'
and did not seem very interested
in doing much.
Closing off the events was a
circus video game,
demonstrating the ridiculous
obsession today's children have
with virtual reality. Although
the act featured a series of
impressive flips, it left the
audience wondering what it had
to do with video games. Our hero
Dan eventually triumphed over
this circus "video game," thus
becoming crowned the King of
the Circus, showing us all the size
and age do not matter in the
Circus of Dreams. As if the
watered down performances
were not enough, this flimsily
added moral seeks to bludgeon
the spectator with the warm
and fuzzies.
Counterpoint: The circus was
totally awesome this year
Ringling Brothers and Barnum
& Bailey's Circus came to
Greensboro Coliseum this
February and was, as it was
billed to be, the Greatest Show on
Earth. Following the theme "The
Circus of Dreams" the show
focused on a boy named Dan who
demonstrated that even little
people can be important, too.
Featuring trapeze stunts, clowns,
house cats, and even talking
elephants, there certainly was no
lack of thrills and wonders.
Critics complained because it
was only a one-ring circus rather
than a three-ring circus. Yet,
some spectators content that this
one ring was about three times
more exciting than those
overrated three-ring circuses.
Who needs three rings anyway?
That is simply too much circus
at one time.
Adding to the mind-awing
thrills was the incredible strong
man FTerkules, who excited the
crowd with amazing feats of
strength. If that was not enough
testosterone for the audience, the
impressive Cossack riders
followed, performing dazzling
tricks on their horses. What
really stole the show, however,
were the cute little kitties that
used impressive discipline to
show off their agility and speed.
Hilarious clowns and
stunning trapeze artists also
made appearances in the show.
The clowns, who displayed
comic genius in a one-of-a-kind
food fight, cracked up the younger
crowd while filling the older ones
with nostalgic joy. Following the
clowns, the trapeze artists
displayed their death-defying
skills with amazing flips and
twirls high up in the air, leaving
the audience breathless.
This years circus was classic
entertainment that never failed
to impress and must be
experienced to be believed.
Nowhere else can one find such a
compelling array of
entertainment. From adorable
animals to incredible displays of
talent and comedy, the circus
provides something for everyone.
This coupon entitles the
bearer to one (1)
off-campus lunch.
***Void where prohibited. Bearer must remain off all flowerbeds,
mulehed areas, ete. And, thanks for watehing your station for the
Whirlie nation.***
Maintenance team deals
students a royal flush
Cossacks team up with
clowns, form best circus ever
BYTOILETBOY
Professional toilet cleaner
Students at Grimsiey High
School are privileged enough to
enjoy not only fine academics,
but also the most luxurious
restrooms of any American
high school.
Granite countertops with
golden sinks adorn the women's
bathroom on second floor Main,
while the men's restroom in Old
Science features a sink and
countertop area carefully
designed to resemble a sandy
beach and the adjacent ocean.
Unlike the average high
school bathroom, Grimsley's
bathrooms are so clean that one
could eat a gourmet meal from
Cafe Whirl off their
immaculate floors.
Students are no longer forced
to write messages on stall doors.
Principal Robby Glitterjello has
deemed all restrooms on school
property free from every
restriction regarding electronic
devices. This measure has
reduced text messaging and cell
phone usage during class, as
students have a place where they
are allowed such freedoms.
Electronic items are not only
permitted, but they are also
actually provided. Each stall is
equipped with Internet access,
and 12" monitors are available
for all who desire to use them. In
addition, each restroom features
a large plasma television recessed
behind a mirror with access to
both digital cable and satellite TV.
A selection of video games is
accessible to all students with
grade-point averages above -.05
for free use during lunch.
Stalls also feature flbOf-te-
ceiling oak doors that
automatically lock for optimum
privacy. While locking doors
may be novelties at other
schools, they are standard
at Grimsiey.
Each stall provides students
with the ability to select their
own fnusic, to be heard only in
their personal stalls, courtesy of
sound-proof doors. Selections
range from pop, rap, country,
rock, nursery rhymes, and
hundreds more. Students can
even record their own songs for
other students to hear in what is
called "Restroom Karaoke."
As a result of recent changes
to student intervention (SI)
policies, pupils who receive this
punishment will not complete
their assigned work during the
day; instead, they will be
stationed in restrooms to hand
out towels and mints.
"Would you like a heated
towel?" asked senior Louie Loo as
he offered freshmen football star
and computer whiz Ram
Gigabyte a selection of plush,
fresh-scented towels.
"I went with the cream-
colored, floral scented," said
Gigabyte. "These luxurious
towels really make the world a
better place. In fact, I have noticed
that using them significantly
improves my chances of scoring
a touchdown!"
Countertops are decorated
with a fragrant selection of spa-
quality soaps and lotions, a
popular reason female students
and teachers visit the facilities.
"Newsweek," "CNN," the
"New York Times," as well as
other news outlets, have featured
Grimsiey restrooms in recent
stories about the deteriorating
quality of lavatories in public
schools. Grimsiey has been
’called the "single exception" to
the dreadful state of national high
nice," said Greensboro Mayor
"Doc" Holiday on a recent tour of
the restrooms, paid for by
parking tickets issued
to students.
Golden sinks, marble, oceans,
the Internet, and fluffy towels are
just a diminutive part of what
makes the time spent in a
Grimsiey John so magnificent.
The real centerpieces of each
room are the TOTO toilets.
As the latest in popular toilet
culture, TOTO toilets feature a
germ-free coating, specially
designed clog-free plumbing,
water jets, and dryers. Such
items eliminate the need for toilet
paper, which escalates Grimsiey
into an advanced level
of eco-friendliness.
Environm.entally-conscious
students also have the
alternative option to use recycled
towels, which are produced from
old copies of "High Life,"
excluding any copies that feature
pictures of administration,
of course.
"Grimsiey no longer has
bathrooms. We truly have rest
rooms," said Junior Class
President Dee Zaster, expressing
her gratitude for the wonderful
amenities available at school.
Star Studded Review
10 OF 5
Cafe Whirl Serves Up an A+
(with peach & chicken specials)
***Expires March 28. 2006.***
BYMACARONI
Lunch Special
Located at 801 Westover
Terrace, Cafe Whirl provides a
source of sustenance for over
1700 people each d,ay. The eatery
is a great place to hang out with
friends, converse with the
cleaning crew, and copy the
homework of the day. Cafe Whirl
serves everything from soup and
sandwiches to steak, if you like it
Salisbury, and tops off its
excellent food choices vcith
exceptional service. If you are
looking for a great place to dine
with exceptional service and
divine ambience, this
establishment is for you.
Cafe Whirl serves breakfast
and lunch each day. The
breakfast menu consists of a
combination of assorted
delicacies including pop tarts,
grits, pancakes, and boxed cereal.
The lunch menu alternates from
day to day. On Mondays, for
example, you can enjoy a variety
of foods including roadkill
nuggets, screaming potatoes, and
freshly frozen peaches.
"The lumps in the screamed
potatoes are what I like best,"
said sophomore Johnny
Bedumbee, a frequent customer
at the cafeteria.
On Tuesdays, the restaurant
changes its menu a bit by serving
a delectable Mystery Meat
Parmesan, Krispy Kremey
Koleslaw, and the bonus of a rice
pudding cup. Wednesday, the
cooks come out strong with their
lima bean and broccoli pizza
smothered in bleu cheese, turkey
crawler pie, and exceptional "A1
Gore Potatoe" soup.
"Cafe Whirl's pizza is my
favorite. The grease on top
gives it a shiny glow that makesit
irresistible,"said
JudyCortez, a pleased customer.
Thursdays, great days for
other scrumptious victuals,
means tasty chilled pears, turnip
greens, and sandwich trimmers
all as a la carte offerings. Chef
Wolfgangster Puck ends the week
with a finale of linguine zucchini,
peas and carrots casserole, tofu
dip, and grilled liver and onions
fajita salad, adorned with
crumbled tortilla chips leftover
from food trays.
"We try to meet the needs of
every customer by keeping our
choices fresh and tasty," said Joe
Momma, manager of the Cafe
Whirl.
Restaurant atmosphere
appears adequately conducive to
digestion with the occasional
gang fight or rap battle to keep
customers on edge. Decor of fierce
red walls and extremely bright
lighting also contribute to
argumentative discourse, and the
noise level eliminates awkward
silences. Obviously, Cafe Whirl
offers students the perfect dining
experience.
Customer service is
spectacular since the buffet line
makes it easy and convenient to
purchase your meals. Waiters
are kind and personable, taking
extra care to divide portions
evenly. Servers do their jobs
efficiently, making sure the crowd
line moves smoothly.
"The line goes fast, and there
is never any waiting. In fact, the
food's aftertaste lasts a lot longer
than the line," said Budumbee:
Cafe Whirl has been in
operation since 1969 and
continues to function in the same
facility to this day. Amazingly, it
has not undergone any
renovations in all those years.
Due to the increased popularity
of this eating establishment, an
outdoor dining area has been
created to facilitate the overflow
of students eager to dine.
"I love the great service Cafe
Whirl provides. The servers
make me feel spiritually inspired
every time I patronize the
establishment," said Cortez.
Students rave over gourmet Chicken Finger special served at Cafe Whirl.