Pages High Life
Features
Februarv 28,2007
Say it ain’t so: a guide for music elitism
Too many critics spoil
the harmony music
should provide. Editor
finds music fans take
their opinions much too
seriously, turning what
is supposed to be an
enjoyable pasttime into
a battle of wit, wisdom,
and musical knowledge.
BYJORIEDERUSH\
Co-Editor-In-Chief
I am a music geek, which
is i:o say that I know plenty
of useless information about
bands that were once impor
tant. Usually^ 1 do not use
this knowledge to dazzle
record store clerks or friends
with my seemingly vast
knowledge of music because
that would be an incredible
waste of my" time. However,
every once in a great while, I
find it worth my time to en
gage in a friendly ban ter with
music elitists who lurk in the
dar k corners of record stores.
I look upon these situations
as exercises of a wit that is
otherwise of no use.
Unfortunately', lately" it
has become increasingly dif
ficult to go head to head w ith
people who do not under
stand there are other ambi
tions in life to strive towards
other than the much coveted
title of "most pretentious
music geek in town." Luck
ily, my skills at faking it have
never been better. I have
mentioned this art several
times in my previous col
umns, but never in depth.
With these new" techniques,
one's impressive music
knowledge can move be
yond the realm of mere
razzle-dazzle; indeed, it
might even scale the lofty
heights of true razzamatazz.
The veiy essence of the
musical elitist is the combi
nation of smugness and in
scrutability'. While these two
elements may seem unim
portant, they" are, in fact,
critical in attempting to talk
about a subject upon which
one has no actual know"l-
edge. Anyone who dares
challenge the expert's view's
w"ill be totally disarmed by
the pow'erful combination
these traits bring: he w'iil feel
a vague sense of shame for
questioning someone so sure
of himself, and will almost
certainly panic upon realiz
ing that he cannot get any
kind of handle on the elitist's
personal taste. An imporhint
rule of musical inscrutability"
is to flout the conventional
notions of w'hat is good and
bad. Pretending to hate gcxrd
music is easy enough; how
ever, pretending to like bad
music, w'hich may occasion
ally be necessary;, is a little
trickier. If one fails, he will
wind up kxrking like a phi
listine with terrible taste, or
even worse, an ironist. One
cannot merely" prance
around telling everyone The
Beatles are terrible and Kelly
Clarkson is great; he must
dress it up a little. Talk about
vapid music in meaning-
lessly erudite terms: "Def
Leppard brilliantly con
veyed the foundation of ex
istential despair w'hich nec
essarily" lurks beneath a life
of hedonism." Whoever has
just mistalsenly engaged in a
conversation w'here sen
tences as such are throwTi
around will be completely
confused and hopefully" a
little shocked, therefore al
lowing the expert to male
his getaw"ay.
Occasionally^ one must
vehemently" disagree with
conventional wisdom and
critical consensus. There is a
persucisive countcTOTgument
to every'thing,.and if he can
think on his feet, it is possible
to refu te even the most iron
clad rock notions.
Most people who try to
fake musical expertise do so
only by" not admitting they"
like anything. While that is a
good start, it is also an even
tual dead-end. It is equally
important to one's inscruta
bility to be cagy about w"hat
he does not like. He must be
quick to defend even the
fe.
NsW 'York CooV
right around
ihe cornerl
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most worthless pop music
and do so completely with
out irony. The ultima te goal
is not simply" to have some
thing good to say about
anything bad and something
bad to say about anything
good. One must strive to
make his taste and opinions
completely" baffling, unpre
dictable and impenetrable.
Being ridiculous and
contrary all the time might
just make one appear insane,
so one should not overdo it.
Instead, he should engage in
normal, civil conversations
about music and then spring
a bizarre opinion on his
adversary.
A favorite game among
music elitists is the "over
rated or underrated" game,
and to give the impression
that one has everything fig
ured out, he must remember
that only he is the true arbi
ter of how to rate any given
band correctly, since he is
immune to the hype, nostal
gia, and politics that com
prise the critical reputation
of a musical act. Within him
is the single flawless barom
eter that reveals the true
quality of eveiy band in the
universe. Claiming a band is
underrated is a good way to
advance it for consideration
in the critical canon. As a
benevolent dictator, it is wise
and just to allow a fair num
ber of underdogs and ob-
scure indie bimds into one's
hallowed halls of underrat
ing. How'ever, it is always a
good idea to throw" in some
odd artists so that one's op
ponent does not really know
whcit is going on. Kevin
Federline? Underrated. Fall
Out Boy? Definitely under
rated. In contrast, any'thing
liked by anyone but the crihc
himself is overrated. If one
has a dean shot at a record
store clerk liking Niiwana, he
should not hesitate to point
out Nirvana is disgustingly
overrated. The clerk knows
they £rre. He vdll not be able
to argue; he has already lost
the bat tle. Hmvever, if some
one mentions liking an un
derground favorite like Tele
vision or The Velvet Under
ground, one would be tread
ing on thin ice to declare
their critical acclaim is un
warranted. Instead, he can
use the most devious trick in
the "Falsing It" htmdbook:
"They"'re definitely" good,
yeah, but a little overrated."
Faking music knowledge
is extremely amusing and
one of my" favorite means of
wasting my time. Yet, it
should be realized that going
out of one's way" to be a mu
sic snob at all times is no
good; nobody likes the
"most pretentious music
geek in town." People
should have fun and listen to
w'hatever their hearts desire.
IMS
MS
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