Pages High Life Features Februarv 28,2007 Say it ain’t so: a guide for music elitism Too many critics spoil the harmony music should provide. Editor finds music fans take their opinions much too seriously, turning what is supposed to be an enjoyable pasttime into a battle of wit, wisdom, and musical knowledge. BYJORIEDERUSH\ Co-Editor-In-Chief I am a music geek, which is i:o say that I know plenty of useless information about bands that were once impor tant. Usually^ 1 do not use this knowledge to dazzle record store clerks or friends with my seemingly vast knowledge of music because that would be an incredible waste of my" time. However, every once in a great while, I find it worth my time to en gage in a friendly ban ter with music elitists who lurk in the dar k corners of record stores. I look upon these situations as exercises of a wit that is otherwise of no use. Unfortunately', lately" it has become increasingly dif ficult to go head to head w ith people who do not under stand there are other ambi tions in life to strive towards other than the much coveted title of "most pretentious music geek in town." Luck ily, my skills at faking it have never been better. I have mentioned this art several times in my previous col umns, but never in depth. With these new" techniques, one's impressive music knowledge can move be yond the realm of mere razzle-dazzle; indeed, it might even scale the lofty heights of true razzamatazz. The veiy essence of the musical elitist is the combi nation of smugness and in scrutability'. While these two elements may seem unim portant, they" are, in fact, critical in attempting to talk about a subject upon which one has no actual know"l- edge. Anyone who dares challenge the expert's view's w"ill be totally disarmed by the pow'erful combination these traits bring: he w'iil feel a vague sense of shame for questioning someone so sure of himself, and will almost certainly panic upon realiz ing that he cannot get any kind of handle on the elitist's personal taste. An imporhint rule of musical inscrutability" is to flout the conventional notions of w'hat is good and bad. Pretending to hate gcxrd music is easy enough; how ever, pretending to like bad music, w'hich may occasion ally be necessary;, is a little trickier. If one fails, he will wind up kxrking like a phi listine with terrible taste, or even worse, an ironist. One cannot merely" prance around telling everyone The Beatles are terrible and Kelly Clarkson is great; he must dress it up a little. Talk about vapid music in meaning- lessly erudite terms: "Def Leppard brilliantly con veyed the foundation of ex istential despair w'hich nec essarily" lurks beneath a life of hedonism." Whoever has just mistalsenly engaged in a conversation w'here sen tences as such are throwTi around will be completely confused and hopefully" a little shocked, therefore al lowing the expert to male his getaw"ay. Occasionally^ one must vehemently" disagree with conventional wisdom and critical consensus. There is a persucisive countcTOTgument to every'thing,.and if he can think on his feet, it is possible to refu te even the most iron clad rock notions. Most people who try to fake musical expertise do so only by" not admitting they" like anything. While that is a good start, it is also an even tual dead-end. It is equally important to one's inscruta bility to be cagy about w"hat he does not like. He must be quick to defend even the fe. NsW 'York CooV right around ihe cornerl 330 Tate Street (Beside Addams Bookstore) Jew'clrq & Olotl'iiriq 574-3889 Mon-Sat 10-6:30 most worthless pop music and do so completely with out irony. The ultima te goal is not simply" to have some thing good to say about anything bad and something bad to say about anything good. One must strive to make his taste and opinions completely" baffling, unpre dictable and impenetrable. Being ridiculous and contrary all the time might just make one appear insane, so one should not overdo it. Instead, he should engage in normal, civil conversations about music and then spring a bizarre opinion on his adversary. A favorite game among music elitists is the "over rated or underrated" game, and to give the impression that one has everything fig ured out, he must remember that only he is the true arbi ter of how to rate any given band correctly, since he is immune to the hype, nostal gia, and politics that com prise the critical reputation of a musical act. Within him is the single flawless barom eter that reveals the true quality of eveiy band in the universe. Claiming a band is underrated is a good way to advance it for consideration in the critical canon. As a benevolent dictator, it is wise and just to allow a fair num ber of underdogs and ob- scure indie bimds into one's hallowed halls of underrat ing. How'ever, it is always a good idea to throw" in some odd artists so that one's op ponent does not really know whcit is going on. Kevin Federline? Underrated. Fall Out Boy? Definitely under rated. In contrast, any'thing liked by anyone but the crihc himself is overrated. If one has a dean shot at a record store clerk liking Niiwana, he should not hesitate to point out Nirvana is disgustingly overrated. The clerk knows they £rre. He vdll not be able to argue; he has already lost the bat tle. Hmvever, if some one mentions liking an un derground favorite like Tele vision or The Velvet Under ground, one would be tread ing on thin ice to declare their critical acclaim is un warranted. Instead, he can use the most devious trick in the "Falsing It" htmdbook: "They"'re definitely" good, yeah, but a little overrated." Faking music knowledge is extremely amusing and one of my" favorite means of wasting my time. Yet, it should be realized that going out of one's way" to be a mu sic snob at all times is no good; nobody likes the "most pretentious music geek in town." People should have fun and listen to w'hatever their hearts desire. IMS MS •I II