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Deforestation:
Are we out of the woods yet?
BY CHRONIC COMPLAINER
Motivational Speaker
Today's society faces many issues,
but there is one heinous crime that tops
the list in terms of depravity; defores
tation. While many of us drive around,
sipping our Starbucks Coffee in our
Hummer H2s, there are just as
many people in South America
drinking cocoa liqueur and kicking
baby leopards in the stomach.
These scoundrels make a living
destroying the habitats of countless
adorable piranhas, sloths and pythons,
in addition to some environmental
problems that scientists have com
plained about enough that they do not
need to be reiterated here.
Disforestation is wrong. How can we
allow this suffering to continue, to de
stroy our environment? Fortunately,
there is an easy solution.
I’m lovin It
Recently McDoogle's has joined the organization called
"Fighting Unhealthy Children in America," Michelle
Obama's new children's obesity awareness program.
However, the company wishes to assure its most loyal con
sumers, err... customers, that their low prices will continue
to thrive and include new and improved healthier options.
"Customers have, overall, enjoyed the French fried
grasshoppers, now on the dollar menu," said manager Maria
Carlos Vepsata from the Unfriendly Center location.
"For those willing to pay a little more change, then our
McMeal worms and chocolate-covered ants are also quite
the rage this month."
7-Day Foracaat
JMON
...
■91-401-001 no 178
It is a well known fact that there are
at least 106 sloths, 117 tree frogs, and
approximately 43 leopards per square
mile of rainforest. If the rainforest were
to be destroyed by something that is
not human, such as a fire, then there
would be an average of 92 roasted
sloths, 54 baked tree frogs, and 32 im
molated leopards. These are completely
acceptable casualties, by any means.
Thousands of square miles of farmland
would also be cleared of the oppressive
rainforest flora, providing jobs for home
less pygmy tribes (their silly huts burned
to the ground). Not only would we be
saving adorable leopard kittens, but we
would also be housing the homeless and
stimulating the local economy.
Clearly, the only solution to defores
tation is to eliminate the forest alto
gether. It is my modest proposal that
we burn it to the ground. Only then will
the leopard sleep in peace.
Mm.
X
' C. sA
Smells Like Lady
Speed Stick
New Japanese Rock Band
To Take World By Storm
BY MISTUHABO YAM AGUCHA
Skittle Tester
In light of the recent Toyota recalls, CEO Aiko Toyoda made a monu
mental announcement to the public on March 31, 2010.
"I am deeply shamed by the state of my family's business and the trouble
I have brought upon the world," said Toyoda. "However, I will not go into
hiding, as my archnemisis, Tanakobu Ito, CEO of Honda, suggested. In
stead, I will close down all plants and follow my childhood dream I lost
due to family pressure to take on the business. I will be a rock star."
Follo^ving bis farewell speech, Toyoda preceded to cut and dye his hair,
undergo lasik eye surgery, and pierce his ears. A few hours later, a picture
was posted on Toyoda's Mixi Account (Japan's MySpace equivalent),
revealing his new look. A caption followed the photograph:
"How do you like my cool look, youngins? Kekeke. Look for my next
single to be released through Axev Records— Smells Like Lady Speed
Stick!"
The Toyoda family remains shocked over the matter.
"Toyoda has acted dishonorably." said Hitsubatsu Mashigato,, the
family patriarch, in a press conference late last night.
Look for Aiko Toyoda's new album to hit stores in Japan next week!
4- i-