MY bologna!
Oy vey! Aycaramba! Ole!
You’re special! What a
magical person. Creepers
are creeping creepily.
pages 1/4-7/8
[Volume ^0 No. 69
LIFE
cc
Value
equals
the loop,
which
never
exits because the loop
is an infinite loop. I
don’t understand.
Please don’t, please
don’t quote me. Are
you serious? You
want my photo, too?
volume # million
News
Giant octopi invades
Taiwanese coast in an
attempt to take over the
world and are thwarted
by Taters.
page #.0006
Opinion
THE WORLD WILL
END, AND THERE IS
NOTHING YOU CAN
DO ABOUT IT!!!
MWAHAHAHA!
page #12212012
Features
Rappers take a cruise
together and marry
heiresses in a debacle of
misanthrope.
page # *$%#@!
Sports
Jabberwock decides to
buy Texas hockey team
because he likes his
drinks on ice.
page #50k
Index
News 2B
Opinion -903
Spread 69-80
Features 9Z-83
Sports ABC-XYZ
Grimsley High School
801 Westover Terrace
Greensboro, NC 27408
Oktoher 25, 1992
Dodo birds fly two times around
the Miiky Way to catch fiying fish
from jowis of beastiy buiidogs
BY HONEY TO MY COMB
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Quiet whispering envelops
the hallways as the shocking
news of Principal Anna
Brady's recent disappearance
rapidly spreads. Brady was
due to arrive at her daily prin
cipals' meeting to discuss the
latest budget cuts regarding
paper and copierusage but
failed to show up. Assistant
principals immediately knew
something was not kosher be
cause Brady has never once
been late to an appointment in
her entire educational career.
"I knew immediately some
thing was wrong because col
laborating with colleaguesis
one of her true passions, and
she would literally have to be
chained to a chair or something
to miss the opportunity to fight
for toilet paper and ink car
tridges," said Assistant Princi
pal Feather Hyll with a mix
ture of disbelief and worry
frozen on her face.
Unfortunately, kidnapping
looks to be the most likely cause
of her vanishing. In the last few
months, principals of South
west, Northern, and Dudley
high schools have all disap
peared. A mysterious parent
has been sending disturbing
emails to the schools and re
quiring funding for her home
school business, or else the
principals will face the
embarassment of finding their
photos in pajamas on Facebook.
Irish leprechauns
take day off
from guarding
treasure, visit water
park in Miami,
suffer heat stroke
BY ARMPIT STINKALOT
Makeup artist
Rumors are true; a new caf
eteria building will be the next
major addition to the school.
Construction plans have been
completed, and the school board
approved them by a marginal
vote of 17 to 14.-97. Cafeteria
entreeswill include a salad bar
as well as fast-food stands rep
resenting Chick-fil-A,. Burger
King, and Taco Bell. Cheesecake
will be shipped in from New
York City, along with frozen
yogurt bars from Juneau,
Alaska, thanks to Sarah Palin.
Such a variety of food stands
will move lines along faster,
thus giving students more time
to sit and enjoy their lunches.
New restaurant-styled seating
will mean booths and round
tables, along with rectangular
tables. AU will have candles and
floral arrangements to enhance
the decor.
11
Weather forecasters pre
dict snow storms will
cover the entire Earth
with parmesan cheese
from the moon. Aliens sell
Grenade Whistles at
kiosks in Jamaica when
they land in their pluto
nium ice cream cones.
People who wore red, pais
ley dresses to the Ken
tucky Derby received
golden keys to the largest
sewer system in the world.
"Greensboro's police de
partment thinks that the pre
vious kidnappings were just a
cover for the capture of Ms.
Brady. We think this is retali
ation for the refusal of the
suspect's kid to be accepted
into Grimsley's IB program be
cause the family resided
within the residence bound
aries of Page. We have nar
rowed down the list of pos
sible suspects to two and
should be making an arrest as
soon as next week," said
Greensboro's Chief Deputy of
Police, Kent Uckyfried, to the
press.
Police have raided wealthy
neighborhoods surrounding
Grimsley's rival school, look
ing for four, middle-aged.
stressed-out people grouped
in a garage or basement.
"We're close, really close,"
Uckyfried said.
Meanwhile, assistant prin
cipals are receiving extra pro
tection out of fear for another
attack onthe school's head
honchos. People are in a state
of fright on campus, and few
seniors dare venture off dur
ing lunch because of the
chance they may never return.
If you have seen any suspi
cious looking vans with stickers
of local sports teams on the rear
window or cheese-wedge hy
brids circling the school, please
report to Officer GiUridge imme
diately. Torture gripping the citi
zens of the WhirUe nation can
not be endured much longer.
Teachers from
Wisconsin, North
Carolina revolt
against Darth
Vader’s big baby
blue death ray
BY SNIFFLY SNEEZEALOT
KooKooKachoo
Inspired by the movie
"Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory," school officials have
decided to create a better, easier
way to provide nutritional
sustenance to the student body.
They will soon hire an archi
tect named Bernard Ronald
Brown, who moonlights as a
chocolatier, to transform the
front lawn into an oozing mass
of chocolaty goodness.
"We also thought this
huge pool will aid in our
fight against childhood obe
sity since the pupils can
swim in it while they are re
warded for their achieve
ments with delicious mouth
fuls of sticky sweet good
ness," said Superintendent
Boe Blue.
The Naked Lady on the
Horse Chocolate Company
will provide the confectionaries.
Three initial shipments of five
trillion tons of chocolate
will be free; however, after
those, each student will
need to pay one dollar to
partake in the festivities.
Chocolate will come in five-
pound blocks thatmust be
melted individually by the
cafeteria staff and gradu
ally poured into the pit.
Special swimming suits will
also be available for students
so they will not destroy their
clothes. Swimwear will be made
from dyed white chocolate.
Foundations are the
most important part of any
architectural structure, and
this one is no exception.
Brown will be creating
masterpiece chocolate
bricks of white chocolate
flower patterns in a back
ground of dark chocolate.
The pool will be finished in
the year 3666 and open for
student use in 1659.