Newspapers / Grimsley High School Student … / April 1, 2011, edition 1 / Page 2
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Hugh Hefner “Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow...” Honey mustard cures head pains, sun burn BY CHEEKY CHUNKY CHIPPER Noob Extraordinaire Fans and performers of the hip-hop world saw one of the greatest ground breaking events in music history this past weekend,when Lil Wayne of Young Money and Cash Money record com panies announced that the Young Money family had, in fact, become a literal family. Federal Judge Courtney Robely Bench confirmed that members of the clan, known for recording songs mainly with each other, signed adoption pa pers to legalize their relationship as sib lings. Bryan "Birdman" Williams adopted Dwayne Carter, Jr., Onika Minaj, and Aubrey Graham, and the rest of the artists signed with Carter's Young Money label as his children. The new Williams clan issued a statement claiming they are looking forward to living, working, and eating dinner together. Drake told his fans via Twitter that this new fam ily will provide the basis for most of his new songs and that lyrics will focus almost solely on his brothers and sisters. "Til keep it fresh and try not to re peat lines or phrases,"said Drake. Pirates off the coast of Jupiter vacationing BY JAMES FRANCO III Recorder Look out, world, for togas are back as Greek style sweeps the nation. Socrates, Plato and Aristotle are re turning to share their philosophical queries of what wearing a toga really means including the ups, downs, and symbolical references to politics. Did you know that wearing a toga makes you smarter and a more fantas tic person to be around? The ceremo nial re-cloning will commence at Xerxes' Pavilion on December 36,1845 at 15:30 a.m.. Northwestern Standard Time on the Moon. For directions, please contact Moon Man Johnson on Facxebook. "Life on Earth will be much better with togas because they will present an even more united world. Everyone will be the same," said Aristotle to scientist Smithy Johnston, who has cloned and re vived the famous philosopher in the past. Also slated to attend are Plato and Socrates who will explain their philo sophies on the world's repulsions and the idea that one day technology will be dead, plants will take over the world, and biological malfunctions will curse the world with an abrupt ending. Tinky the Moon Elf stated that con struction for the new world in space is set to begin at 11:11 a.m during the month of May during one of the daily worship services to the no longer exist ing moon Pluto. Mass shipments of togas will begin circulation in early December to assure that when the famous philosophers arrive, surround ings will appear jUst as they would have liked them to be from eons ago. Due to unexplained circumstances, the philosophers may die or become combustible and explode because of current air pressures of 5% upon ar rival. Everyone is cautioned to wear synthetic fabrics just because. IMPORTANTE! T WARNING BY SCARLETT CYRANO The greatest magician ever Elizabeth the Strangling Cat strikes again in Greensboro. Eve Jell Resinut, 17, was reported dead in her home on the morning of February 20, 2011 by her butler, Humphrey ,who claims to have witnessed the incident. After several hours of questioning, de tective Easton released the following statement to the press: "Although Mr. Humphrey has been fully cooperative with my department, we have made no progress because about three hours into questioning, we realized that he was, in fact, a dog very well trained to serve as a butler; he won't stop barking." Police declared this murder to be the work of Elizabeth Fluffball after the autopsy found cat hairs in her mouth, nose, and lungs. Only re cently have they been able to ex plain this bizarre insignia. "Well, as far as we can tell from the past murders, the Strangling Cat waits for her prey to fall asleep and then latches onto their faces with her paws until the victims suf focate. She occasionally burps inten tionally as well so they suffocate sooner.," said Easton. Although Fluffball'swhereabouts are currently unknown, local authorities suggest citizens stay home and lock their windows and doors. The capital of North Carolina is Raleigh. The capital of South Carolina is Columbia. The capital of Ohio is Columbus. The capital of Michigan is Lansing. The capital of Rhode Island is Providence. The capital of Massachusetts is Boston. GO BUCKS! Alaskan monkeys find new home in Greenland BY LLAMA DAMA Grazing Llama Since his rise to fame, many critics have wondered if Jus tin Beeburr is actually a girl. His high-pitched voice, song lyrics, and haircut suggest there might be some truth to this statement. Now his styl ist reveals a shocking secret about Beeburr. "Justin has wanted to be fe male for a long time and will soon get his wish. He will be gin the process of becoming Jessica Beeburr in July .of 2011," said Angela Snitchie. According to Beeburr's family members, Justin played with Barbie Dolls when he was a child instead of Gl-Joes and cap guns. Beeburr even had a temper tantrurh when he was seven because he did not receive the Holiday Barbie for Ghristmas. His other favorite toy was a box full of sparkly dress-up clothes. He devoted almost three hours every day to play ing dress up with his sisters, aunts, and mother. "We thought he was just trying to fit into the family since there were so many girls, but as he grew older and began to use makeup, it was apparent this was not just a phase he was going through," said Justin's mother Lauren Beeburr. Justin has been trying very hard since he hit the pop charts with a high pitched note to repress his feminine tendencies but was simply un able to do it. Recently, during a rehearsal when his voice began to crack and grow deeper, Justin experienced a break down during a rehearsal be cause he realized how much he hated being a boy. That moment was the turning point when Beeburr decided to become a girl physically to match his mental sexuality. After his sex change, the new Jessica Beeburr will join Gady Lala on her hypnotic tour of America's hottest stages. Justin has already written the first song he will sing as a female entertainer with Gady Lala, a remake of the song "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!" isr' High Life has been taken over by government-controlled llamas. We ask that you report this information to the proper authorities and ask that they come to save us immediately before the llamas attempt to eat us. HELP US PLEASE! NOW!! OH GOSH-MY LEG-NO, NOT MY LEG! OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH...T00 late. CoEditor-In-Chie£s: Sir Llama Boss Jr., Rachel Measelquist, News Editor: Banana Kanode Opinion Editor: Akirah Nyxon Features Editors: "TMZ" journalists filling in at the present time Sports Editor: Lindsey Aguillera Advertising/Business Manager: CatDog Elliott Photographer/Reporter: CatDog Elliott, Reporters: McSpherical, JD Backwards, Orca RigQuit, I leana on Stuff, Godfather Vinnie Irrig, Gatlin Martin, Justin Burpy, Marc Jacobs, Niki Boatmaker, Daphne Blake, Adviser Lynn Rozeltov I hope you enjoy this issue of High Life created by our elite staff of llamas, cfgjkdfklsdf dfjkxdfjk jhnxctftjmv n v gv b hvb b vb d^hmn jmikhlvb 41h4n 101h4ghtfv cv vb uyjhmnv yhnf yvb n ujesedjm bn xcrfv fvr;dl;44gvbh vb nllObn lOlObn lObn lOvb. Thank you for your support.
Grimsley High School Student Newspaper
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April 1, 2011, edition 1
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