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Spread Topic
Popping up across the
world, rabbits dig
through Earth in
search of shelter from
Dooms Day, .page 70
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Grimsley High School
Nebraska 37, 1867
Get Aussie shampoo.
801 Westover Terrace
Greensboro, NC 27408
44
Ragers
in Eastern
G eo rg i a P
have been
counting
down the
days until
the Holy Pecan (a crunchy
God-like snack) saves
them. In the event a koala
eats them first, there will be
a space funeral held in a
Singaporian convent with
free refreshments for
everyone who offers peas.
p. 5.89
News
Get out of here
and take your darn
llamas with you,
they’re eating my
popsicles.
chapter 11/7
Opinion
Red Bull provides
useful service to
community. Babies have
thanked company foi
gooddoing.
F4
Features
A Wok on a
Pancake takes a turn
for the w orse when one
of the highly flammable
crepes blows up.
page 56
Sports
Rock climbing
champion. Iron FeC,
climbs Mt. Killer
Manjaroh upside
down in 2 min.
Fun.
Index
Interesting 2
Unpopular 3-9
Spread‘em 1-1
Figure 12-18
Activities 19-20
Texas renounces statehood after several tragic
incidents involving elephant feces, cotton candy
BY GOBBA GOOP
Spanish Inquisitioner
Proving to be a year of
creativity and style for the
fashion industry, models in
2012 are walking the runways
in moth-ball eaten Christmas
sweaters, suspenders, knee-
high gym socks, and fluores
cent-colored Crocs. Loowie
Vuhtahn recently released his
new line of bags made out of
random materials, such as a
cardboard purse with
chained-link handles. When
asked about how they came
up with the idea, the famous
fashion house replied
"The beauty of hobos,
junkyards, and landfills was
the main source of inspira
tion," said a representative
from the famous fashion house,
Louise Ton Don.
"Au natural" seems seems to
be this year's niche. New York's
Fashion Week presented entire
outfits constructed entirely out
of various plants. Skirts and
shirts made from leaves and
extremely comfortable tree-
bark sandals are the buzz in
conversation. For those who
like clothing that utilizes all
kinds of resources, why not try
Target's new line of clothing
made of human hair? Shirts,
pants, socks, anything one
needs in any hair color are
available for purchase in a va
riety of sizes. Perhaps a curly.
brunette shirt with straight
blonde pants would suit
today's consumers.
Fake fashions are just as
popular this season. When
buying a present for a young
girl, consider purchasing some
four-inch, stick-on eyelashes.
Better yet, buy her some plas
tic surgery! No, 14 is not too
young for her first Botox injec
tion; it's completely normal. If
she happens to be a little over
weight, why bother having her
diet and work out? There's a
plastic surgery office not too far
from the local high school that
offersfive-minute,
$201iposuction procedures.
Although straying from the
topic of fashion, apparently a
modeling career, acting career,
17 seasons of a reality
television show, and a talk
show are not enough for
Tyra Banks. The x-supermodel
recently published her novel
"Model Land," which sold
one million copies in its
first week after release.
Banks won over readers across
the globe with her invigorat
ing tale of Tookie De La
Creme, an ugly duckling model
with an insatiable appetite
for whipped cream and a fear
of facing the cat walk
corridor Intoxibellas. In
fact, the intelligent and
philosophical writings of
Banks earned the book a
Pulitzer Prize nomination.
Kaptain Beef moves to the western front of Nebraskarolina
BY ALECKSI TUMBLER
KGB
Shirtless Russian male
models have recently been
charged in an LSD conspiracy.
They were said to have
planned a plot to dump 700
pounds of LSD into the River
Phoenix.
The chief lieutenant in
charge of the case. Cab Staid,
said, "The individuals respon
sible for this horrible con
spiracy have been detained.
Although we [The United
Apes government] do not be
lieve in nor condone torture
tactics, we have taken a poll
from the American people to
decide what their punishment
should be. Astonishingly we
have found that the Aperican
people would like the the per
petrators to ingest the 700
pounds of acid on live televi
sion. We will oblige our citi
zens."
Friday night the nation
watched as four men went on
a trip of a lifetime. They have
yet to come down and medical
experts have doubts that they
ever will.
Now citizens of Aperica feel
that they have received justice
for the first time in decades.
Often the judicial system
handles matters without
imput from the people who
have been wronged but not
now. In celebration of avoiding
national tragedy, . people
have been parading in the
streets, riding llamas and
alpacas, pouring uncontami
nated water everywhere. Long
live the King.
"N.
. 4'
.i
fl:'#
Chester Kenny seduces oranges in his spare time.
He was known as a mouse wrangler. Wanton photo.
o
ZJaNN!
ICEMENT
Freshmen have it coming!
The following is a public service
announcenment provided to you by the
Student Council Office of Student Affairs and
Weil-Being, paid for, under the table, by the
Student Treasury.
BY THAT GUY
That Trips You For Being An Underclassman
In the spring of 2012, Student Council upperclassmen voted to
initiate a new program for incoming freshman officers that emu
lated college fraternity and sorority practices. Newly elected
freshman officers will participate in Hell Week the second week
in September before being sworn in as Student Council officers.
"I am really excited to show those freshmen who's the boss
around here," said Student Body President Jack the Ripper.
Though adviser Patty People Pleaser was somewhat
reluctant to approve such an activity, she relented because
Council members were so determined and enthusiastic about
the idea. Also hesitant about Hell Week was Principal Gregory
Ghandi, who was fearful of student injuries and parental reper
cussions.
"Representing the school on Student Council requires the ut
most loyalty and devotion to the school. Therefore, the officers
should be able to take it for the team," said Junior Class Presi
dent Twilight McGee.