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Researchers conclude
that Saturday morning
cartoons may be quite
harmful to young
children’s health.
Read more in the
spread on pages 43-16.
Volume- 6 Liters
Grimsley High School
Toyotathon 22,1778
801 Westover Terrace
Greensboro, NC 27408
mghLIFE
Snake on
a treadmill.
This dude’s
pants are on
backwards.
Wax-scented candles.
Run over by a turtle.
Blades of grass are evil.
New electric car that runs
on gas. Paranoid pan
thers prepare pasta plus
pie. Weird words sound
funny. Fear of circles...
r>
Jakup Jumping Rope
page 313
ConActive closes its
business once new organic
cure for acne comes on the
market: juice from
jalapeno “hot attack”
peppers: page 93
Lobbyists for Froot
of the Loon claim
grapefruits deserve more
respect among other
fruits and brands of
underwear and hosiery.
page 489
New movie releases to
arrive in time for Easter
include “Jane Go with
Dj;'“Mama Makes
Muffins,” and “A Family
that Preys Together Stays
Together.” page 3.14725
Retired Whirlie faculty
and staff members form
curling team, practice
on frozen over pool at the
GreenboroAquatic
Center; win national
champmnship
News
Opinion
Spread
Sports
2-12
11-19
43-44
86-94
Classified Ads etc.
Crossword 211
Sudoku 227
is
Seceding from Union,
Alaska joins Iron Curtain
BYRYAN CRYIN' CALDWELL
Movie Critic
Hollywood superstar Tom
Hanks will be producing a new
movie, scheduled to play in the
aters in time for Christmas of
2013. The name of the movie is
The Son of Forrest Gump. Hanks
will reprise his role as the title
character's father. Neil Patrick
Harris will assume the role.
Creating an ironic twist to the
movie. North Carolina
writer Nicholas Sparkle por
trays Forrest Gump, }r. (FGJ) as
an incredibly attractive hunk
with supernatural powers.
Unlike his taffer, FGJ will
experience life as the man on
top. He will attract all of the
young women he can muster
and perform as the best
player on the high school foot
ball team. Also to his father's
surpise, he will earn amaz
ingly good grades.
"I am excited about the huge
spin in the film's plot," said
Sparkle. "Viewers will learn
that FGJ is not really Forrest
Gumpjs biological son with
Jenny. This dramatic discov
ery will adequately explain
why FGJ is not following in
his father's footsteps. Near
the end of the story, the
audience will discover that
Jenny did not really die, but
instead faked her death so
that she could return to her
life as a junkie. For those in
dividuals curious as to whom
the real father of FGJ is, they
will have to buy tickets to
watch the movie.
Cuba appeals to Olympic
Committee to make 90-mile
swim an official sport
BYACKLJMKLHND
Head of Whig Party
One may recall the stories of Christine O'Doyle's practice in witch
craft back in 2010 when she ran for a U.S. Senate seat. Now more
evidence is surfacing regarding her witchcraft and demonic schemes.
Oh March 27, pictures of a witch were released in Wilmington, Dela
ware from where she was fl}dng on her broomstick.
"I am not a witch. All I did was dabble in witchcraft. In fact,
I have only burned three men at the stake as sacrifices, and 1 only
practice my potions on stray cats, but 1 stopped doing that stuff
three years ago," said O'Doyle.
Attorneys defending her believe this whole matter was a setup
with another politician behind it. Some of her defenders pre
sume Minnesota Michelle Bawkman is the ringleader. Whether
there is physical proof of her sorcery, most agree Bawkman is a
lunatic with very eccentric thoughts and habits.
Florida Senator Marco Rubix-Cube even had to drink some
bottled water before he could discuss the subject. When he set
down the water, he mumbled something about her disgraceful
behavior.
"It was our President's fault for trying to regulate gun control
and raising the minimum wage," said Rubix-Cube. "Such poli
cies would likely induce irrational behavior."
f
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I _
North Korea fails at another rocket
launch, lands on Kim Jung tin’s castle
BY JACQUE PENNY LOAFERS
Shoe Salesman
Fore Seezuns Mall will close
its doors on High Point Road
and will move to another
location. No access to its
stores will be available for at
least three years, as the com
pany owner has yet to
determine a new location. Op
tions include areas near South
east Guilford High School, land
adjacent to the Asheboro
Zoo, and the site of the old
Greensboro baseball stadium.
Management from the
Greensboro Coliseum was
looking to expand their site
and purchased the property
where the mall currently
stands. Therefore, all of fhe
consumers who shop at Four
United States History Teachers in all 50 states are
now required to teach the histoy of Mongolia as part
of the curriculum. Internet photo
Seasons will have to seek other certainly disappoint numer-
plapes to shop for their ous consumers, but it will
clothes, shoes, and jewelry. make other competing de-
This change in venue will partment stores very happy.
"I will provide a design lay
out for the mall by November
of 2014," said architect Joseph
Landlubber. "I know for a fact
that this new shopping
mall will include a basketball
court, an ice skating ring, a car
wash, and even a go cart track.
Although the shutting down
of Four Seasons will be devas
tating, the wait for the new and
improved super mall should
be well worth the wait.
"I think I will call the new
shopping extravaganza Uto
pia," said Four Seasons owner
Monfried Moneybags.
STOP