The AC Phoenix
December 2005
Page 39
TAKE IT EASY
Realistic Expectations Prevent Holiday Stress
By: Susan Frick Carlman
It’s the season of goodwill, of giving and caring and joyful celebration.
Unfortunately, for many of us the year-end holidays also bring the
season of stress.
But here’s the good news: much of it is stress we put on ourselves.
It follows that we can take it off as well.
“From my experience, the biggest pitfall people run into is trying to
repeat the past,’’ said Virginia Morgan Jones, a clinical psychologist.
Many of us set ourselves up for disappointment by trying to fit today’s
holiday into the framework we bring from our past, Jones said. It espe
cially becomes a problem when we expect others to fit themselves into
our memories, and then take it personally when they don’t comply.
“It’s important to realize that we all come into the holidays bringing dif
ferent pasts and different fantasies,” Jones said.
It’s a good idea to try to zero in on the essence of each tradition, and
what makes it special. A collection of heirloom holiday ornaments, for
example, might be a treasure, but if their owner detests putting up the
tree every year, it makes more sense to arrange them on a bed of
evergreen boughs on a coffee table or sideboard, Jones said.
“Part of it is identifying what is positive, but it’s also identifying the
negative aspects so they can be avoided,” she said. “It’s letting the
holidays bring their own meaning and their own joy, as opposed to
scripting it.”
Another route to a fulfilling holiday experience is being willing to
consider new ways to celebrate the season, even if it means letting go
of some old ones.
“We manage to open ourselves to new inventions and habits at other
times of the year, but during the holiday season we aren’t as willing to
do that,” Jones said. “Sometimes adding a new tradition ends up
reflecting what your life is like now.”
Remaining focused on the big picture is also a good idea, according
to social worker Eileen Cole.
“if you do get really stressed, think, ‘Is this going to matter in five
years?’ If the pie burns, ask yourself if anyone is really going to care
several years down the road,” she said.
Maintaining a reasonable sense of perspective is key.
“One thing you can do to avoid stress is to realize what’s important
and recognize what the holiday season is all about. You need to look
past the societal pressures that emphasize gifts and the material side of
it,” Cole said.
Of course, gifts and material goods are part of the tradition in most
households. They can’t be erased from the holiday game plan, but they
can be kept in realistic balance. One way to do that is to be mindful of
the joy to be found in doing good deeds for others. Jones encourages
reaching out to those who could use a little extra human touch, even if
it’s just a matter of looking in on a neighbor who doesn’t get out much,
or placing a phone call to someone who has no family nearby. The
benefits of gestures like that can go both ways, she said.
Cole believes the concepts of goodwill and caring and joyful celebra
tion are especially important to heed when it comes to kids.
“Children need love and affection, guidance and nurturance. Even if
it looks like they’re interested in the material things, that’s not what they
need,” she said.
So meeting our families’ real needs is one more step that can be taken
toward a minimally stressful holiday. Other tactics are more practical,
like making lists.
“Move into the holidays consciously,” Jones advised. “Make lists that
show what you want to do, what needs to be done-and what you don’t
want to have happen.”
Cole suggests making lists of tasks that remain to be accomplished,
and crossing them off daily so that a sense of satisfaction can be felt at
the progress being made.
And it’s also helpful for others to be helpful. Both therapists
recommend delegating duties; there’s no reason for one person to bear
the lion’s share of the considerable work that goes into making the
holidays bright for all. Although we can’t expect others to meet arbitrary
expectations that fit into our memories, we can expect specific help if we
ask for it.
“You have to understand that you’re not going to be 10 different
people, “Cole said.
Finally, the gift of self-consideration is something that shouldn’t be left
off the list. Jones urges her clients to make time for solitude and some
kind of leisurely activity when they need it. That might mean a warm
bath in a room filled with fragrant candles, a little time in a favorite chair
with a good book, or an hour spent at the health club.
“It can be anything, but it should be some sort of calming time, in
whatever calms you, “she said.
Cole agreed. “Take time for yourself. It’s not being selfish. An empty
cup can’t fill anyone up.”
BebolS tbc 61t>ry
of tbe Season
MORNING STAR
MISSIONARY BAPTIST
CHURCH
May you and
yours find the
spirit and joy of
the Miracle of Christmas
and bask in the glow of
peace, love and understanding.
We are truly greatful for you.
1400 Fitch Street
Winston-Salem, NC 27107
Phone: (336) 748-0216
Web Site: wvirw. morningstar-wsnc.org
Rev. Donald L. and
Jeanine E. Salley