Page 48
December 2005
The AC Phoenix
Goodness Gracious
Holiday Etiquette Can Make
Everyone Happier
By; Priscilla Lister
Etiquette might be the kindest gift to offer family and friends
during the holidays.
“What good manners does, is make people happy and please
them,” said Letitia Baldrige, former chief of staff for Jacqueline
Kennedy and social secretary to the White House during John F.
Kennedy’s White years and an authority on manners who has
written 15 books on etiquette.
“Etiquette is really a way to reach out to people and do delight
ful things for them - give them a special party that’s intimate and
fun and warm, give presents that show you’ve thought about the
person,” she said during an interview from her Washington, D.C.,
home. “It’s a time to call up all your friends you haven’t spoken
to, classmates you haven’t seen since graduation, and friends
who have been sick. It’s a time when we really stop and think
about our friends and family and show a little love and attention.”
And when we shower our friends and family with appropriate
behavior, we avoid such holiday mishaps as hurt feelings or
unmet expectations. Remember these etiquette tips to help you
negotiate the holidays gracefully and graciously.
NOT JUST FOR KIDS
Have you ever given a gift to someone whose response is, “I
already have one of these?”
“Children are not born knowing how to politely respond to gifts,
and in their childlike honesty can say some pretty rude things,”
says Elizabeth Pantley, author of “Kid Cooperation” and “Perfect
Parenting” (New Harbinger Publications) and a columnist on the
Web site, www.canadianparents.com. “The easiest way to
prevent this is through teaching.”
Pantley recommends parents have training sessions with their
children before the gift-giving situation occurs. Review the
possible situations, such as what they would say if they already
have the item, or if they don’t like it, or even if they do like it. “It’s
amazing what wonderful results occur with a bit of practice,” she
says.
If you receive a gift you don’t like, Baldrige advised, “don’t tell
the donor you don’t like it; thank them sincerely. Some may call
it lying, but I call it social niceness,” she said.
KINDNESS IS KEY
Peggy Post, a fourth-generation family member of the Emily
Post Institute who writes an etiquette column for several maga
zines, addressed the issue of guest who eat and run: “How long
should guests stay after a holiday meal? Last year my cousin and
her family practically ran out the door as soon as we’d finished
eating,” said the questioner.
“Normally, guest should remain at least an hour after complet
ing a meal,” replied Post. The rule isn’t set in stone, she added,
especially around the holidays. But at least a reason should have
been given for the early exit.
As for the college age son who wants to share a bedroom with
his girl-friend when they come home for the holidays. Post
replied, “No matter how indignant your son becomes, remember
that you make the rules about sleeping arrangements in your
home. Talk to your son and tell him that both he and his girlfriend
are very much welcome, but you’re uncomfortable with them
sharing a room. You don’t need elaborate justifications—you’re
on your own turf.”
MORE NOT JUST FOR CHILDREN
The Emily Post Institute (www.emilypost.com) has etiquette tips
for parents on minding their children, which really apply to people
of all ages:
1. “Please” and “Thank You” are still the magic words they’ve
always been.
2. Teach your children, as soon as they are old enough to
understand, to greet people by name.
3. Teach your children not to interrupt. This is part of learning
to respect other people’s rights - The mother who invariably stops
and says, “What is it, dear?” when her daughter interrupts is
helping her establish a habit that will do her a disservice all her
life.
4. It is not necessary to write a thank-you note when a gift is
opened and the donor is thanked personally at the time of
opening. If the gifts are not opened in front of the donors, the
child must write a personal note mentioning the gift by name to
each donor.
In Emily Post’s 1922 “Etiquette,” still the virtual manual for
social manners today, she describes the perfect hostess, the bad
and good guests:
“She must first of all consider the inclinations of her guests, se
must not only make them as comfortable as the arrangements
and limits of her establishment permit, but she must subordinate
her own inclinations utterly. At the same time, she must not fuss
and flutter and get agitated and seemingly make efforts in their
behalf. Nothing makes a guest more uncomfortable than to feel
his host or hostess is being put to a great deal of bother or effort
on his account.
“The guest no one invites the second time is the one who runs
a car to its detriment, who leaves a borrowed tennis racquet out
in the rain, who ‘dog ears’ the books, who leaves a cigarette on
the edge of a table and burns a trench in its edge, who uses
towels for boot rags, who stands a wet glass on polished wood,
who tracks muddy shoes into the house and who leaves his room
looking as though it had been through a cyclone.
“Courtesy demands that you, when you are a guest, shall show
neither annoyance nor disappointment - no matter what
happens.”
That age-old Golden Rule works especially well during this
season. Treat your friends and family with dignity and deference
- as you hope they treat you - and have a happier holiday.
ALPHA & OMEGA METAPHYSICAL
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