Newspapers / Wilmington Morning Star (Wilmington, … / Sept. 28, 1914, edition 1 / Page 3
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::: ' . k . f;--p WAITER Be Good and You'll Be Kaput. 1 I Verv often I think it does not II once read a Yiddish , story about two fellows who went co - Coney Island to have some fun. When it was already -getting late one said to the other : "Let's go home; it is late." 'But the other ,re-je(j:-'Tli remain, here and . make a tight of it. o tne good teiiowwent tome and the bad tellow stayed and had t good time. In the morning," when the fed fellow looked in the papers, he saw tjiere that the tram which took. his friend tome had been wrecked and the Id- killed in the accident jjat in the paper :ood?" he ?ood fel When he rend asked : "Does it nav to be A caviar sandwich? Rye bread? All right, sir. I shall now tell you ;of some thing that happened to myself and yn nill agree with me that it really does not pay to be good. Be good and you'll be kaput. ' -'.,-.- '"'."" '. It was all on account of Bercovich, the shadchen. I thought "that after that aeeting at the Hotel Kadoches, in Shli . mazelville, he would not have the chutz pah to call on me again ; but a shadchen i a queer person. Kick nim out through the door and he will come -in again irough the window. As he came in he lied to start a conversation with Bertha, Kr cashier, but she pointed her finger to me of my tables; that was a polite hint :or him to go away and sit down. "Listen, Mr. Bercovich," I said before By ISRAEL, J. ZEVIN ("Tashrak"). (Copyright, 1914. by the New York Herald Co. All rights "reserved.) . ' ELL memoes it pay to be good ? e place next Sunday night. In : the after noon 1 shall bring you a beautiful alarm clock, which you will take along as your wedding present. The bridegroom him self will pay the twenty-five cents rental for the clock, and all you have tc do is eat, drink, be merry and let the 'bride groom call you uncle." .-,' "I'll go," I said, "but I hope that there will really be no more trouble. Think of it, Mr. Bercovich, you have already put me a couple of times in a hole." , ' "Oh, there will be no trouble at all," hi. assured me. ., Friday I received the invitation to the wedding and Sunday afternoon Bercovich brought me the alarm clock which I wp.s to bring as a wedding present to my nar nephew. In the evening I put on aiy Prince Albert and went; to attend th wedding of Sol Greenspon and Bertha Segal, which was to take place at the Zion Hall, on that night. Coniing to the place I checked my hat and then I went right through the open door on the ground floor, where I saw lots of people dressed in style and lookins jolly. "I am the uncle of the bridegroom," 1 introduced myself to a man who seemed to be one of the nearest kin. "I am very pleased to meet you," he said. "I am the bride's father. Come and meet my -daughter. She'll be de lighted." . Taking me under my arm he led me to the bride, who was sitting with he. bridesmaids' and the women of her-family m a httle room at the other end of th. large dancing hall, where she was waitiuc I for the groom to come and lead her to he chupah. j "This is the choson's uncle," the brides i father introduced me. The bride stood up. She looked so ' lovely in her bridal gown that I would ! not mind marrying her myself. Then she threw her veil aside and. Pnihr; ! she gave me a kiss on each cheek My heart nearly melted away and I was L confused that I clumsily kissed her oU the nose. "And this is his present," the bridoV, father said, taking the alarm clock fro-n my left hand. Those kisses made me sc. dizzy that I forgot about the wedding present which I had brought with me." "Thank you, uncle," the - bride said, rrhis is a very beautiful clock. I sha!! give it a place of hoLor on our mante. piece." Then the choson himself rmp in looked at me, looked me up frcmTmf jat to my snoes. "Why, don't you know your uncle " the bride asked him. "Look at the lovely present he brought us," and she f hbwed him the alarm clock, which, was put on a table with other presents for exhibition. I think the gentleman made a mis take." the choson said.. "I have enousrh uncles of my own and they are all here in the big hall." Then, turning to me, the choson said: "There is another -wedding going on up stairs. Maybe that is where your neph.-w L, being married." Why are you laughing? It was . no joke to me at all ! I almost ran for the door, forgetting about the' alarm-clock. I went upstairs. Sure, there was an other wedding going on. Bercovich met me at the door. , "You are a little late," he said to me, "they are all waiting for you. But, you forgot to bring the wedding present." "The wedding present is here,',.' Ilsaid. "but I delivered it to the wrong party." Then I told him the rest. - To save me the humiliation, Bercovich went down 'himself to demand the mis delivered alflrm clock, and in a few min utes he came back with it, and he led me in" the hall. Here I was introduced to the other brrde the real bride. I had more kisses, but they did not taste as sweet as those I had downstairs. - For this bride who wa3 to marry my "nephew" was the mother of foir children,' a widow. FA mmm ' V y Wesibv I T?ONt) OUT HEN I t ' (SOT "HOME V TH 1 55 ILIIIIC UATS Um tr in IV i jmd wasnt ;.as xpeMSive. T r .Att THE UNCLE" OF THE BRIDEGROOM. he could open his mouth, "it is of no use I don't want to listen to your proposa.s, I don't intend to get married. I don't want to get married and that's all!" -"But how about going to another man's wedding?" he asked me. . "Just for fun," he added. "Going to anotherCman's wedr iing you assume no more risk than going to another man's funeral." "Whose wedding is it, anyhow?" i asked. "Oh, you don't ' know him yet,"--the shadchen answered, "but you'll get an invitation and you'll become acojiaint'-'cL lou must promise me to come." 1 was puzzled. I could not understand, ho in the world and why I am going to he invited to a wedding of people that 1 "ever heard of. But after Bercovich zave ie an explanation everything looked so Pam and natural Mnvw rnn'tiara o!- ady heard of it, that there are special lores on the east side Where you can -ire wedding clothes and wedding pres ets, and offices where jou can get ' people toeome out and act as your uncles, aunt3 cousins if you have no relatives of nwrown in this country. .You see.. pur, Pfople on the east side like swell wed with a big band, lots of wedding Presents and a t-hrlo in- f u tfaat is, all kinds of relatives and plenty them. Now, as Bercovich explained " me. he wanted me to act as urcle for e hridegroom, who was his client. inpre will be no trouble for. you at rW-ni-icl! said Xhe weddinff taJjpg T t I I I ' 1 1 ' . ' ' ' V '. . ' . " '-.' - . upstairs ) - r j-m-f j pomV Btu&er ) fTZZFl ''j """"" V v IMJJ.W YOKK H T7P A T r rn- I i . i .Zi-rV VT.. I I I K' r..'ri ' W I 1 - VJ I y All Rights Reaerrcd. jlft ' ' L , The bridegroom was glad to see me. V! of the Amals-aniatprl 1 hit-Ins. course, and he introduced , me to every body and to the bride's two uncles. I thought hr uncles Were the real stuff, but l soon fouud out they were not.. After the wedding supper, as I Was standing and watching the: 3-oung peoplo dance, I noticed the two uncles of the bride, having a serious conversation , be tween themselves, and from the way they looked at me 1 understood that it was of me they were talking. I don't know why. but I began to feel nervous and wished the wedding was already over. At last the bride's two ' rfncles came over to me and one of them asked trie; "Are'jym a real uncle or a hired one?" Here Bercovich came to my rescue. . I suppose he saw the trouble coming, so he came up in time tto avert it. "What . funny questions - you" ask!" Bercovich laughed at him. "Sure he is a real Sncie." His mother, Oleho Hasholem, and ", the- . choson's mother, Oleho Hasholem, were twin sisters.". - "Now, you see." one of the bride's uncles said, pointing his finger right the shadchen's face.- "the choson told a different story that the man's father and his father were twin .brothers. It Is a fake;, any one -can see that." "Well," argued Bercovich, "couldn't the twin brothers . marry 'the twin sisters?".- ' . ' " . " .'- ' . ; : . "Mister Bercovich," the other of the two uncles butted in, "don't you try such' bluffs on us; we are not from Browns ville." Aid then, turning to me, he said; - - . . '. ."You see, young man,' we are members AtVnts and Cousins' Protective Association. We are a strong organization, and unless.you are a bona fide member you can't. 'be air uncle. You will have to pay the. usual $10 fine, or we shall make charges against you in the Waiters Union. Tea in US to do :aiu. carry me. And now I, am does it pay to be good? $10 just because I -wanted s':adchen a favor. Never a: 1 1 1 V )MMM))t 4 , , , " I What if This Guard I Had Been a Scotchman? MM asKing you. '"""""t'ttttnttttttttttiMMMUmott It cost uie that J If Bowdle's Bill Goes Through I I WAS WTOODUCBD TO THE OTHEB DBIDB. dollars is a small fine in comparison with your offence against organized labor. You may go home now. Our walking delegate will call on you and collect the. fine. --So "Ions, sir.'' , V T , I left the hall as fast as my legs could w : ' " "-. ..""'''-- s. , . ALTER B. STEVENS, who was for years dean of- the corps of astungtou correspondents, was noted among his confreres for the grav--ity of his' exterior , and a seriousness in the trejid of his thought bordering, al most on austerity. Those who knew-him best were wont to boast , that for gravity, imposing silence, discretion and concealment from the chance bystander of his innermost: thoughts Mr. , Stevens had the average professional diplomatist, sadly outpoint ed. All this preliminary to one of. Mr. Stevens' infrequent lapses from' strict literalness of speech and one w'hich his friends pronounce after all almost a lit-, eral statement of fact. . It was on. an occasion . when- Mr. Stevens was down on the list of those who were to address a convention of deaf mutes. The meeting, was in ses sion and Mr. Stevens, who was almost due. hurried to the stage entrance of the hall. He had been attending an impor tant meeting elsewhere and had just time to keep his -engagement to make the address, which was to be interpreted in -the sign language for the benefit of 1 - - By ERNEST DUPUY. (Copyright. 1314. by the New York Herald Co. All rights .Representative Stanley Bowdle has introduced a ineuiyuve per cent on cue incomes or an foreigners. News Item. Take heed, ye titled noblemen W'ho come to marry cash. For Bowdle's on ihe warpath And he'll -end ydiir dreams to smash No more our lovely heiresses Into your arms will dash; The girls may like your coronets, ' But father '11 keep his cash. reserved.) bill to imDose a tax ol Americans who marry titled One-quarter of their incomes They wili forfeit to the State If Congressmen put through the bill That spraDg' from- Bowdle's pate. One-quarter of their incomes ; Don't you think you'd better-wait? So look: before you take the step, It then may be too late. The market price on heiresses Is surely boand to shake. And our plain domestic, goods . " " An upward jump will take ' When Bowdle's bill becomes a law And father's purse strings quaka. Kind hearts are more than coronets When hard-earned pelf's at stake. So heed ye, titled noblemen, I think you'd better quit. Your ducal charms and quartered armi No more will make a hit. When income tax is added to The very -costly bit That father aas to spend ior yon. His answer will be: "Nit!" the assemblage; His progress was barred ,at the door by a guard.who told him . that . he could riot enter. :. "Why .not ?" asked Miv Stevens. "Because the meeting is for deaf mutes only," answered the guard. ' Mr. v Stevens took the guard confiden tially .to one side and without the sem blance of a smile whispered to him: "I'm ! deaf .'and dumb myself.", The guard was ' Irish. Without a flicker of mirth over his features he an swered; . "Well, in that case," pass right in. , Dr. J ohnson on Matrimony. A gentleman who had been unhappy with his first wife took a second one shortly after her death. Dr. Johnson ' characterized this action as the triumph ! ' ! ul aope over experience. Do It Again By Harry Coultaus 1 -
Wilmington Morning Star (Wilmington, N.C.)
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Sept. 28, 1914, edition 1
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