i
154
ZION’S LANDMARKS
with me. I set out a Pharisee, for
my good works to help me on. I
thought when I could go to preach
ing, shed tears freely, and as I thought
pray to the Lord mightily, I was
getting on very well. At length
brother Greorge W. McNeely came to
Leatherwood and preached, and at
night he by request of the family
where we lived had night meeting. |
He preached, I thought, the prettiest j
sermon I ever heard in my life; his |
te.xt was: “ The Lord is my shep^
herd; I shall not want.” Oh, I
thought these were such beautiful
words, but alas ! poor me, I did not
feel like the Lord was my shepherd.
I cannot describe my feelings. I felt
condemned, and if I was to try to
tell you of any time particularly when
1 felt convicted it ivould be then.
After he was done preaching he com
menced singing, “I am on my way to
Canaan.” The congregation joined
him in singing, and when they sung
the verse, “Come try His grace and
prove it,” &c., I never can tell any
person my feelings ; 1 felt like I
wanted Brother McNeely to pray
for me, and without reflecting one
moment I burst into tears, and went
and knelt by him and asked him to
pray for me, which he did. But oh
1 suffered a great deal about it ; I
felt ashamed that I had done such a
thing in company, and there was no
reality in what I had done. Such
feelings would not last long. I had
exposed myself to the eyes of the
world, I thought; I would have given
anything in the world if I had never
shown any signs of repentance in
company. But still I did not always
feel sorry for begging of prayer in
my behalf. Ho, for I would ofttimes
ask some of the professors to pray
for me, but I Avould do it as privately
as 1 could. I read in the word of
Cfod “the ferv'ent effectual prayer of
the righteous man availeth much.”
And oh I now found my prayers and
tears availed nothing. T knew not
what to do, but I tried to pray to the
Lord to have mercy on me, a sinner;
but it seemed to me that sometimes
when I would try to pray my thoughts
were like the fool’s eye roving to the
ends of the earth, and thus I laid
aside all my good works to merit sal
vation, and found that the Lord had
to do all. I tried to beg him to give
me a heart to pray and I grieved be
cause I could not grieve. And in this
way I got along, sometimes in one
state of mind then another. In the
meantime the church at Leatherwood
became in a cold and lifeless state
concerning religious exercise and in
difficulties, and continued so some»
time ; and all this time I went to
church. But at length the impression
of mind I had concerning a future
state seemed to wear away, and I
thought but little about it, and some
times would be tempted to think there
was no reality in religion and no God
to serve, as those who had professed
to be born of Him had in a measure
forsaken their profession and did not
seem to enjoy religion at all. But
the church, by calling in aid from dis
tant brethren and their coming and
laboring with them with the strong arm
of love and mercy from on high, they
seemed once more to be united in the
bonds of Christian love and union,
and soon there commenced a revival
in the church. I had many strange
thoughts concerning future things,
which I need not try to relate to you
on paper. How my relation and
friends were joining the church, and
oh, where was 1 ? what had I been
doing ? It seemed to me there was
a chance for everybody to be saved
but me. I thought I had been so
long in sin I could not be forgiven;
had had so many strange and wicked
thoughts that there ivas no one like
me. But this did not keep me from
trying to beg the Lord for mercy, for
i hope He bad given me to see my^
self as I was, a poor, lost, helpless
sinner, and that He could do all His
pleasure, “and if my soul was sent
to hell His righteous law approved
it well.” Oh now if I could only
know this is conviction I would try
and feel satisfied, I would stand still
and see the salvation of the Lord.
But oh, sister, it seemed I could not
stand still, and I could not move
along, and could not turn back, and
what to do I knew not, but to cry 0
Lord be merciful to me, a sinner.
At length my children, five in num
ber, were all taken sick, with the ex
ception of my oldest son, who was
not living with us at the time, you
know. This was a very distressing
time with me, to see four of my chil
dren all seem to be at the point of
death, and what increased my dis
tress it appeared to me that it was a
judgment sent on me for my wicked
ness. But I begged the Lord in
mercy to spare my children and I
would try to devote myself more to
His service and praise than I had
formerly done; that I could not be
as ungrateful as I had been. It ap
peared to me I had this promise given
me
this sickness is not unto
death, thy children shall all bo re
stored whole again, and so they were
forthwith. I greatly desired to re
turn unfeigned thanks to God, but
alas ! what a great contrast there is
between God and sinful flesh, for I
found that while the Lord had ful
filled His promise to me I Avas alto
gether dependent on Him to enable
me to comply with my promise to
Him. I felt like I would have civen
the Avorld had >t been mine to have
night, while sitting by my fireside
Avith my children (Mr. Griggs having
gone to see his sick father,) there
heard the Lord say, “Thy sins, Avhich I
are many, are all forgiven thee.”
But it seemed to me instead of living
a more humble and obedient life than
formerly I greAv Avorse. I begged the
Lord to forgive me for making and
breaking so many promises. My
health seemed to be declining, and I
thought I Avould not live much
longer, and 0 to die unprepared, to
meet God in peace was truly distress
ing to my feelings. My cry was
Jesus, thou friend of sinners, have
mercy on me; 0 Lord be pleased to
give me a heart to pray in sincerity
and truth; thou art the great phy
sician, both of soul and body, to thee
alone do I look. Lord save me or I
perish. 0 my soul, to be banished
forever from the presence of the Lord
was to me a most tormenting fear,
yet it AYOuld be just I kneAv. Yet
mercy I craved. 0 Lord, if thou
canst be just in saA’ing such a sinner
as I, spare me, the chief of sinners,
spare. My last request before I Avent
to sleep Avas for mercy. I Avondered
I could sleep in such danger; I Avished
I could Stay awake and plead Avith
the Lord for mercy, for I felt like I
would be taken off in the night while
asleep; I Avanted my last breath
spent begging for mercy. It Avould
be my first request when I awoke.
Mercy, free and unmerited, I Avould
plead for, for I had long since found
I could do nothing to merit salv^ation,
not even to have a good thought.
I hope the Lord^ in His infinite good
ness, Avas pleased to bring me to feel
my entire need and dependence on
Him alone for salvation: I felt un^
done and helpless in and of myself.
On Monday morning after the fifth
Sunday in January, 1857, these
Avorcls, “Jesus’ precious blood once
spilt, I depend on solely,” came forci
bly on my mind. 0 such suitable
words to me. They were all day
fresh in my mind, and I felt like the
blood of Christ cleanseth us from all
sin, and without the shedding of blood
there is no remission of sin. Monday
seemed to come a calmness and love
over my feelings. 1 spoke to the
children, and told them I felt better
than I had in sometime. It seemed
to me I AvantecI to embrace them, I
had such a feeling of love. I felt
better next day, but 1 never thought
of this being anything more than my
general health improving, for Avhich
I felt very thankful. 1 so little exw
pected such goodness from the Loid
as a pardon of my sins, but still I
had a different feeling from Avhat I
had before. I noAv felt like I hoped
I Avould be a Christian. After awhile
I Avas in company Avith a member of
the church, and she asked me some
questions concerning; the state of mv
mind. I felt someAvhat disposed to
talk about it; asked her hoAv she felt
when she hoped the Lord had par
doned her sins; if she believed it at.
the time ? fehe said Avhen she first
felt a change she did not take it for
leligion, and talked sometime about
her feelings, Avhich gave me great
encouragement at the time. The
next meeting, which Avas in March,,
Brother McHeely came down. He
had often asked me to talk about the
exercise of my mind, but I never felt
like talking until now. 1 Avanted to
talk Avith him, and on Saturday even
ing an opportunity was ofi'ered and i
conversed Avith him, but asked him
not to mention the conversation, for
1 was so much afraid of being de
ceived in matters of such great import
ance I did not vtant to be talking too
soon. But sometimes 1 Avould think
it may be the Lord has been Avith me
and I kncAV it not. On Sunday I
went to church, the text Avas,
cept a man be born of Avater and of
the Spirit he cannot eater the king
dom of God.” I now began to
examine myself closely. I thought
for such a poor, vile sinner as I had
ahvays been to ever have such a
thought as that the Lord would con
descend to look upon me in mercy ;
to be born of God, to have the Spirit
of Christ! I believe the tempter
tried hard to destroy my peace for
ever, but the goodness of God I shall
never be able to describe Avhile in the
flesh. Hoav I studied on the new
birth, and thought it was too great a
blessing until it seemed to me I was
in greater distress than ever. I could
not feel burdened with my sins as I
had. I did not feel like I was a
Christian, and I had made the im-