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Hi
ZION’S LANDMARKS
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pressioti on Brother McNeely’s mind
that I hoped the Lord would be mer
ciful unto me, a sinner, and deceived
myself and him. I was miserable,
and the more I thought about it the
more awful I viewed my condition.
Oh, I thought if I had not said any
thing concerning what I felt; I begged
the Lord to pardon me for ever think
ing he had compassion on me. 1
would leave the house and seek some
secret place, where 1 would pour out
my cries unto the Lord. This Scrip
ture, “Marvel not that I said unto
thee ye must be born again ; the Avind
bloAveth Avhere it listeth, and thou
hearest the sound thereof but canst
not tell Avhence it cometh or Avhither
it goeth, so is every one that is born
of the Spirit,” came to my mind
with some degree of force, and con
tinued Avith me some days, and af
forded me relief. But yet again I
would conclude it could not be that
1 had been born again and Avas an
heir of God ; it se med I could not
believe. I begged the Lord with
tears in mercy to me to answer my
petitions and reveal Himself to me,
the hope of glory in a full and sure
Avay, that I might know I Avas a Chris
tian. I thought I must know 1 Avas
a Christian before I could claim IJim
as my Lord and ray God; and as I
Avas coming from my place of retire
ment I had sought to plead Avith the
l-ord for a confirmation of those
things, these Avords came into my
mind, “ if you cannot believe what
you ha\^ already heard you will not
.believe though one should arise from
the dead. ft seemed I Avould sink
to the ground as I walked along,
ies, Lord, I rviH believe, and I tried
my best to believe that I had been
born again, but I could no more have
faith than I could make a Avorld. It
seemed to me there was a secret
Whisper to me, “you might have be
lieved sometime ago, Avhen you first
felt a change in your condition; but it
is too late noAv, you are lost forever.”
iLit Avas I constantly in prayer for
mercy, and I Awas resolved to try to
beg as long as I had breath, for I de
sired nothing else but the Lord. I
read the Scriptures with interest,
seeking to find a Avord, perhaps, for
comfort to my poor, distressed soul.
One day I took the Bible and Avent
upstairs and knelt down with the
word of God before me; I would read
and beg the Lord for some sweet
jiromise in His book to my soul. My
soul felt melted, and I believe I felt
helpless and dependent on the
Lord for life and salvation as any one
Could feel. I felt humble, and after
being on my knees sometime, I arose
with the Bible in my hand, opened
it and read, “Who hath delivered
us from so great a death and doth
deliver, in Avhom Ave trust, that he
will yet deliA'er us.” Noav I thought
he will yet deliver me, but before I
left the place where I was that
thought Avas nearly gone. I started
to go doAvn stairs, but felt so badly I
Avent into another room and lay down
on a bed, and besought the Lord to
givm me faith to believe on Him, and
if He had bestoAved His grace on my
poor soul, that I might feel a close
union and love existing as betw’een a
father and child. I did feel then
as if God Avas my father, that I Avas
closely united to Him. I arose from
the bed and rejoiced to myself, and
concluded I Avould go and tell what
great things the Lord had done for
unAvorthy me. But something seem
ed to say, you had better not rejoice
aloud, you may be mistaken. I
I thought at that moment the Lord was
so precious to my soul I Avould never
I doubt again ; but this feeling, soon
left me and then I suffered a^ain in
O
mind and feared it AV'as all a delusion.
I became so distressed in my mind I
Avas not any company for any person.
Religion Avas all I studied, all I cra-
A'ed, this Avorld Avas Avorse than no
thing to me. Oh how my mind Avas
tossed to and fro, for at one moment
I Avould feel as if the Lord was my
friend, and again as if I had no friend
on earth or in heaven. I felt like
one alone; I thought there was no
one like me, but I tried to beg the
dear Saviour of sinners to confirm
ray Avavering min d and establish me
in the faith as it is in Christ Jesus.
I saAv so much sin in everything I
did that I thought a Christian would
not have such Avicked thoughts and
Avays as I had. I do believe the
tempter tried hard to destroy my
soul forever, for it seemed to me as
soon as I would hope the Lord had,
for Christ s sake, pardoned my sins,
he Avould say you had better be sure,
you may be deceived, and 1 Avould
be changed about in my mind many
times in a day. 1 at last ventured
to tell some of my impressions and
feelings to the person first hinted at.
It Avas then suggested to me, now vou
have been talking to a member of the
church and again trying to make thg
impression on the mind of the church
that you hope you are a Christian,
and it so tressed mv fni’ipcg
I could not sleep; and the next morn
ing while meditating on my condition,
these thoughts came into my mind—
that all my prayers and tears had
done no good and I had as well leave
it all off and think no more about it.
I had become so distressed I did but
little Avork, and I felt so disconsolate
and dejected I did not care for any
thing in the world. These words
came into ray mind—“ they have
taken away my Lord and I know not
Avhere to find him.” While these
temptations were strong upon me not
to pray, cry or read the Scriptures,
Mr. Griggs came in and sat down by
the stand to read the Bible, and ask
ed me if he must read aloud for me
to hear. I told him no, I did not
want to hear. C how I suffered for
listening to Satan’s deAuces. It seem
ed to me he Avas ahvays trying to
harrass my poor soul, and noAv I Avas
not to mourn any more. I received
a severe chastising. Noav I thought
I had committed the unpardonable
sin and was lost forever. It was not
long after this before I betook myself
to the Avoods to lament before the
Lord for what I had said. I was
ashamed to ask the Lord to forgive
me, yet I knew He was the only
remedy for my wounds. I Avas so
sorry I had said I did not want to
hear the AAmrd of God read, for I was
desiring to hear it all the time, but I
could not shed a tear noAv, and it
seemed to me I never should again.
After toiling on with this trouble
sometime, I Avas by myself grieving
about Avhat I had said; the question
Avas—what, did I say I did not Avanc
to read, and that I Avould not Aveep
nor pray. For this AA'as the answer
—It is no more I that do it, but sin
that dwelleth in me. Now I felt re
lieved. C, I was so glad to think
the Lord Avould yet deliver me. I
had felt like I never could be for-
ghmn for this sin, it was unpardona
ble ; now I felt forgiven for that, and
thought surely the goodness of God
Avill follow me all the days of my life.
But I was soon in such doubts and
fears as made me cry mightily unto
the Lord, and in reading the 42d
Psalm, it seemed to suit my feelings
and desires, for I felt like I thirsted
for the living God. These words
seemed to bear with great weight on
my mind and afford me encourage
ment : “ Why art thou cast doAvn, 0
my soul, and Avhy art thou disquiet
ed within me ; hope thou in God !”
These were precious Avords to me
then, and are now, for these are my
hope. But still, my sister, I felt like
my hope was so small I continued to
beg for a larger one. I opened the
Bible and read where the children of
Israel gathered manna, and he that
gathered much had nothing over; he
that gathered little had no lack, and
it appeared to give me satisfaction,
for I desired to be satisfied Avith the
least of all, and thought if T had
gathered any it was enough for poor
uuAVorthy me. In a fcAv mornings
after this I awoke Avith these words
on my mind: “ I have loved thee
Avith an everlasting love, therefore
Avith loving kindness have I drawn
thee.” These were very precious
Avords to me; to be loved with an
everlasting love by such a great and
good being was animating to my feel
ings, and here I rest my hope. I
ventured last meeting to tell the
church at Leatherwood some of my
feelings, and they received me into
their fellowship, and brother Mc-
Neely baptized me on Sunday, and
it I had not already written so length
ily, I could say much about the peace
of mind I have enjoyed since I Avaa
baptized, and I think all who hope
they are Christians ought to obey the
Lord. Now sister, I submit this im
perfect scribble to you and brother
McNeely, begging you both to re
member me at a throne of grace.
Excuse all errors, I have been a good
deal disturbed Avhiie writing.
Yours, I hope, in Christ,
SUSAN W. GRIGGS.
When the gospel came to Zacchcua
he said, half my goods I give to feed
the poor; and if I have taken aiiy-
thiog by false accusation, I restore
fourfold. When the gospel came to
Lydia she said, if ye have judged
me faithful, come into my house and
abide there—and she constrained us
—so great Avas her heart opened on
its reception. When the gospel was
received by the Jew's after the ascen
sion of our Lord, so mightily opened
it their hearts to love and support
the gospel and the poor saints, that
such as had houses and lands sold
them, and distribution was made as
the poor had need, neither called
they any thing their own. And
I Avhen the gospel avas carried by Paul
I and Barnabas to the Gentiles, it had
I the poAverful supporting influence to
i support Pa»l; and these heathen of-
i ten sent to the relief of Paul and the
I poor saints at Jeruralem, the mother
I church. But there is not the least
! liiiit of the Jews supporting Paul and
Barnabas among the heathen, for it
Avould have been the exact' reverse of
Christ’s directions and repeated in
structions.—Joshua Laivrence.
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