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156
ZION’S LANDMARKS
Hendeuson, Eusk Co., Texas, |
March 14th, 1869.
Brother Bodenhamer :—Having
seen one number of your “ Land
marks,” and having for several years
been impressed with a desire, through
some channel or other, to give my
brethren some of the reasons that I
stand in their ranks, the path I tra
velled, the ups and downs I have ex
perienced, &c., I feel to make free
with you on this point, believing that
it will ease my own bosom even to
write them to you in my weak and
unlearned way, hoping at the same
time, that when they reach you if
you see anything materially Avrong,
and that Avould injure the cause we
have espoused, that you will withhold
them from the press. I was born in
1822, in the State of Georgia, Wil
kinson county, and if not mistaken,
it was in the Spring of 1838 that
more serious reflections than I had
ever had before commenced coming
into my mind about a future state.—
I was convinced that I had to die,
that I was not prepared to meet a
just God in peace. This caused an
uneasiness of mind, but passed off,
and I went on in my usual way until
those reflections returned; but on
their return they would increase with
Aveight and poAver. At these times I
could see more and more of God’s
goodness toAvards me in preserving
my life up to that time. I tried Avith
all my poAvers to i-efonn my life and
live in obedience to his word, Avhich
I read at every chance; but I really
thought that the more I tried the
further I missed it. I hunted the
most solitary places I could think of
to go to, and there to ask Him to
have mercy on me ; but when I got
to such places, they were not the ones
I thought they were ; they were not
solitary enough. Sol passed seA'cral
months, say through the summer,
AA’ith it seemed to me a very heavy
burden pressing me dOAvn. I verily
thought that mv sins were so great
that God intended to kill me and that
by striking me Avith thunder, and
during this time to see a thunder
cloud arise Avas the most horrible and
distressing to mv mind; the lono-
rolling thunder which AA'ould seem to
make the earth tremble, said to me.
“ Yoa see you can’t expect anything
by your good deeds ; that foundation
has gone from you, and so Avill the
one you stand on soon be gone, and
you have no other, poor miserable
man, indeed.” So I will here state,
for the sake of shoAving the great
beauty in God’s Avork, take myself
up physically, I Avas very puny, and
had always been. I Avas at that time
under the care of Dr. Barker. He
had dieted me on Avild meats; I had
to kill my OAvn meats in the Avoods,
and my father had provided me Avith
necessaries for that purpose. So
time rolled on Avith me, getting Averse
and Averse in body and mind, it seem
ed—the load of guilt and condemna
tion heavier every day, until one
morning some 8 o’clock, I reached
up my hand to take my gun doAvn
from the rack, Avhen suddenly some
One seemed to say to me, “ What,
you going to take that deadly wea
pon and take the life of something
that never broke one of God’s com
mandments in its life, Avhen you have
broken all of them and yet are not
killed for it ?” I did not take my
gun down, but set doAvn trembling
and crying. So I remained for some
time, when it seemed a comforter
says to me, “Your situation is some
excuse for you ; you have got to eat
Avild meat and you have none.” So
I proceeded on my hunt; I travelled
a large road for some half mile, and
it seemed to me there Avas more ants
and other insects in the road than I
ever saAV before, all innocent crea
tures and the Avorkmanship of the
same God. I could not help but to
observe the gloom that seemed to
rest on the trees and all vegetation ;
they Avere all in appearance Aveeping
Avillows, and I did believe that it was
my sins that had affected them ; but
I was careful not to tread on one of
the insects in my road, they Avere so
pure and so happy in their business.
But I must quit my road to seek for
meat, and after a short Avalk I found
a squirrel, and I Avas in the act of
shooting it, Avhen its innocence Avas
presented to me on one hand and my
guilt and condemnation on the other;
and it seemed like such a Aveight of
guilt never was on no one else ; I set
my gun doAA’n and walked out in fair
AueAv of it and tried to scare it aAvay
that I might not kill it, but it could
not be moved, and only chattered at
me ; so I did not knoAV what to do;
to live Avithout meat Avas death, and
to take the life of innocent creatures
to preserve life brought death, so
death was on both hands ; but even-
tually, with tears in my eyes, I shot
and killed it, and was sorry to see it
fall, but I could not approach it for
sometime; at length I Avent and pick
ed it up, and as I raised it the blood
poured from its side in a great quan
tity, and it seemed like some one
close by said, in a loud tone of voice,
“That just as free as the victim
bleeds, just that free your Saviour
bled for you.” My burden left, as
though it had been a foAvl flcAV aAvay,
and a light certainly did shine all
around me extra of the sun, and I
will just leave my brethren and sis
ters, Avho have experienced the same,
to judge Avhat folloAA’ed, or to tell it
in better language than I can. But
on my road home the trees and grass
all seemed to have experienced as
great a change as I had, for it seem
ed to me that the Avhole of the vege-
table kingdom Avas in a shout of praise
to God with and for me. Why I can
see them yet, praising God for His
goodness. Hoav, my brother, I have
never been aDaid from that day to
this of going to hell, but if I serve
God at all, it is for His goodness.—
Now for sometime before and some
time after, I was an attendant at two
of the largest meetings I ever wit
nessed. I think to hear experiences
was the chief of my delight. It
seemed that I had an unseen com-
panion, that Avas very familiar and
instruptive ; he Avould have demand
ed more fruits meet lor repentance,
and seemed to point out the confu
sions Avhich their course Avould bring
I shed many tears with them.
on.
and it Avas expected that I would cast
my lot Avith them, and might, if I had
had the casting of it myself. At
this time the split in the Baptist
church had been fully expected. My
father, mother and brother remain
ed in the Old church and kept the
old Constitution. I had some desire
to live Avith them ; I Auewed them all
as good people. I desired at times
to be baptised and to partake of the
supper or communion ; could sit and
shed tears over the emblems. Dui’ing
this time my Avife Avas, as I hope, led
to see herself a poor lost sinner; I
could often find her sobbing in tears,
even in dead hours of the night, and
could ask God to bless her, but was
not one bit uneasy, for I knew if He
had commenced a good woi’k He
Avould perfect it. So I saw it per
fected, so far as going to the church
and being received and baptized is
concerned, but at that time I did not
have any desire to go. But after
aAA'hile I become somewhat troubled
about the church again, and finding
out that they Avere looking for me it
seemed to hurt me. So one time, in
presence of father and brother, when
Ave AA'ere saddling our horses, I cursed
my horse to keep them from thinking
that I had, or ever did have, any de
sire to join the church. So I spent
several years in this way. At length
I concluded to join the Freemasons,,
that would do me as Avell as to join
the church ; this I did on the 12th
April, 1852, and for a fcAv months I
was satisfied Avith this step; and
then a Scripture, to be found in Gen
esis, 12th chapter and first Amrse, got
to coming up in ray mind, and a.s
time rolled on it come Avith more
power and force, and I often shed
^ears in thinking on it, and leaving
country, kindred and friends. But
in October 1852 I left; a day to be
remembered by me as long as memo
ry continues, but do not regret it
except on one point—I had e\mr in
tended to go to that Bethel spot be
fore leaving where I Avas at the time
that T trust God saAV fit to reveal his
Son +0 me, and where that burden
left me and never has returned ; but
I was prevented from enjoying that
great pleasure, by my brother start
ing to folloAv mo from my father’s
house the last time Ave ever saw each
other, but I did not blame him. I
often think that I am bound to visir
that place once more in this life.—
This is the only point I have to re
gret on the leaving of the State.—
So I started for Houston, but some
things turned so as for me to land at
Shreveport, La., and from [hence to
this place, and in a short time found
a welcome home with my Masonic
brethren in some lodges at their
meetings ; but there was an aching
void that neither it nor them could
fill. For about nine months I never
got a crumb from any one that m}’-
soul could feast on. At length I
heard Elder Thomas Brittain preach,
as I think, the Gospel, and such
sweet preaching as it was to me I
never heard in all my life before ; I
feasted for weeks; 3ms, until to-night,
and am still feasting on it. From
that time I heard him every chance^
and it was still the same. The church
was composed of the best men and
women I ever saw; there was some*
thing charming to me in every one
of them ; but the lodge must do for
the church. I never shall be able tO'
tell my ups and doAA'ns on this point.
I often went to the lodge in tears,.,
and found the brethren of the order
sprightly and cheerful, while I was
pressed down, I could not tell hoAv.
I could not think I was fit to live
with such people as composed Ararat
Church, consequently I did not think
Ik