S--^ about:
The Social Register.
SANTA MONICA, CALIF. ?
Those who warm their aristocratic
hands at the social register,
take comfort from the
latest issue of that priceless
volume. It seems that, if a wellborn
lady weds a night club
playboy with a head suitable
for a handle on a dollar umbrella,
she stays put.
But if she is married to a genuine
gentleman, such as Gene Tunney
is, or a gifted
orchestra leader, jJ |
such as Eddie Duch- , A "
in. out she goes.
The charming |
granddaughter of a I ^
poor Irish immi- "7*?* ij
grant qualifies as an
entry, which is as
it should be, in any B. ir>>' gSjj
language. But when BfcT
site takes for a husband
the son of a
poor Jewish immi- irvin S. Cobb
grant, whose blemish
is that he's a professional song
writer?and one of the greatest song
writers alive ? her name is
scratched off the sacred scroll.
Yet what's an old family but a
family that advertises that it's eia?
And what is society except a lot of
people who keep proclaiming that
they are society until the rest of
us believe them?
. . .
Protecting Human Game.
C1 OR the preservation of the less*
ening ild fowl, the government
stands pat by its ruling that j
ducks may no longer be lured to j
hunting grounds which have been
baited for them and then bagged.
But one shudders what would happen
to Wall street if practically the ]
same system now in vogue for gar- |
nering in the human game was ever
abolished on the stock exchange.
Still, why not leave well enough
alone? If there was no margin
gambling available for < leaning the
poor things, they'd bet their money j
on horse racing or the old Span- |
ish prisoner game or something.
*
Liberty League Marriages.
T'HE rotogravure sections reveal
-* that they've just opened a fresh
crate of du Ponts, too late to qualify
for membership in the Liberty
League, because the Liberty
League, alas, is dead of lvernourishment,
but in ample time to fill up
the background at the approach- ;
ing marriage of the President's fine !
son. Franklin Delano, Jr., and a
charming daughter of tie royal
family of Delaware.
That's one wedding where the
ushers will do well to see that the
families are seated in separate
pews during the ceremony, because
somebody might 'actlessly be reminded
of little things that came up
during the heat of the late campaign.
Otherwise, in the customarv re
galia of shad-bellied cc its and |
striped trousers, it will be difficult
to distinguish a champion of the
rights of the great common people
from an entrenched wretch of the
ruggedly individualistic group.
Playing the Ponies.
D ACING starts soon out in Hollywood,
and the stars and starines
may have to make their pictures
between events at Santa Anita
because they'll have absolutely
no time for fiddling around studios.
To risk my modest wagers on,
I'm looking for a horse named Virginia
Creeper or else Trailing Arbutus.
Then when I lose, as I always
do, I can't say my choice wasn't
appropriately named.
If 1 had a bet on Paul Revere's
nag, Paul never would have made
that famous ride of his. Somewhere
between Concord and Lexington, a
constable would have pinched him
for blocking the highway.
* * ?
Future Inventions.
O ELEBRATING the hundredth
anniversary of the American
Patent system, the assembled research
sharps declare that among
the boons to mankind promised
us in the near future by our native
inventive geniuses are the following:
' Clothes made out of glass (with
curtains, I hope, for those of us
who are more than six years old).
Whisky aged instantly by powerful
sound waves. (But who has
thought of suitable relief for those
^ho also will be aged instantly by
drinking said whisky?)
P.ats grown as big as cows by
powerful sound waves. (I can hardly
wait for the happy day when
we may afford a family rat the size
?f a Jersey cow.)
IRVIN S. COBB.
6-WNU Service.
k.
The Cherokee Scot
@6
"Asleep at
By FLO VI)
Famous Ilea
HERE'S Fred Bock, whose i
home is Route 34, or Route
altogether. Fred, you see, driv
tion trucks that move between 01
might get back to their houses c
of the time they do their sleeping
parked at the side of the road. 1
catch on the fly. But I've nabbcc
On a Thursday morrKng >n Ncv<
were delivering furniture at varioi
out with a load, delivered it. and fi
afternoon. They had some lunch
hoping they were through for the da
still had a man-sized job to do tha
a little adventuring to be taken ea
though, he didn't know anything ab<
Taking a Load
After Fred had settled up hi
him into his office and told bin
immediate delivery to be made
had been elected to do the job.
mey loaded the truck and were
their home this time. They picke
into Philadelphia along about nine
Charlie knew a good lunch wagon
dinner. Back in the truck again,
been up since early morning, and b
They lay down on the seat and
After a brief interval they were aw:
the main drag of the Quaker City v
that they take their big truck ->ut of 1
Fred Was Ge
They threaded their way tb
they were bowling along the 01
November night. The wind swe]
and the road ahead seemed to da
night. The hours rolled by and
sleepy. Along about midnight a
vision.
Says Fred: "The feeling was r
staring ahead over long periods, an
before. I knew that the best thing for
the road for a short rest. I begai
space, but the minutes fled by with
road was getting narrower and moi
getting heavy as lead.
"We began to roll down hill. F
across the path of the headlights
clined in a long, steep, tortuous grad
curled up in the corner of the sea
seemed to tempt me. And then?
Running Wild 1
And then, suddenly, Fred's i
was running wild!
Fred doesn't know how long hi!
managed to keep on the road. But :
some drivers' instinct?brought hir
had fallen asleep. As his eyes c?
the headlights a sharp, narrow turn i
of the bend, a white concrete wall.
The headlights brought that see
ness. "It didn't take me long to re
"A narrow bridge spanning?spannii
kiiow, ana ior a minute it luoitea a
In the few seconds Fred had
climbed to forty-five. A glanc
jammed on the brakes. "But eve
it would be useless. The bend
permit a quick turn with a largi
from crashing into the wall."
Steep Cliff Just
Fred took a lightning glance to
out. There was a clear space at th
it was?what obstructions he might
determined to take a chance and ti
a tree and pile up. He turned his
space. Then, just as his wheels le
him what was ahead. There were n<
ing. The car was plunging towar
which ran the river!
Fred's hand tightened on the
a scant ten feet ahead, and he I
stop that car. With his whole hoc
ening plunge over the bank?and
And then Fred got the surprise oi
down as the wheels struck something
two or three feet and came to an
the cab and jumped to the ground
gratitude. The wheels had run into
patrol. And Fred says: "As I sto
water far below it certainly r-eemed
ing with us that night. For if that pils
left we would have shot over thj
river below."
6?WNU
Takes Gasoline Fiom Water
Gasoline can be removed from
water by pouring the mixture into
a 200-mesh sieve. Owing to the
difference in surface tension, the
gasoline passes through while the
water is retained.
Importance of Discipline
The employee that evidences a disposition
to disregard discipline will
never be fitted to lead others?never
until he changes his course. He will
alwavs remain a private.
it, Murphy, N. C., Thursdi
venturers'
C,ub
lie Wheel"
GIBBONS
aline Hunter
address is Brooklyn, but whose
s 63, or maybe some other route
es one of those big transportate
city and another. Those lads
rnce in a while, but a good part
; on the big front seat of a truck
'hat's the sort of lad you have to
1 Fred, and here's his story.
;mber, Fred and his partner Charlie
is houses in Brooklyn. They went
nished up about one o'clock in the
and pulled into the office at two,
y. But r.o such luck for Fred. He
t day?and besides that there was
re of. At that stage of the game,
)ut adventuring.
to Washington.
is accounts, the manager called
r> the bad news. There was an
in Washington, D. C., and Fred
: on their way. Route 1 was to be
d it up in Jersey City and rolled
o'clock in the evening. Fred and
in Philly, and they went there for
Fred suggested a nap. They had
oth of them were pretty tired,
started to snooze, but not for long,
ikened by a cop who told them that
zas no lodging house and suggested
:here. So they started to move.
tting Sleepy.
trough the city, and once mora
ten road through a cold, bleak
it across the fields in fitful gusts
rkeD. Fred drove on through the
he was getting more and more
filmy haze began to cloud his
lothing new to me. It came from
d had happened to me many times
me tc do was pull over to the side of
i looking for a convenient parking
lout a sign of a place to stop. The
re gloomy. My eyes seemed to be
'lickering, fantastic shadows danced
and the road ahead suddenly ine.
I looked at Charlie and saw him
t fast asleep. His peaceful repose
_? ?
Toward a Wall.
eyes were shut and the truck
3 eyes were shut or how the truck
something in the back of his brain?
n wide awake as suddenly as he
ime open he saw in the beam of
n the road and, just at the beginning
ne to his eyes with startling clearalize
what that meant," says Fred.
ig what?was the question. I didn't
s if I never would know."
been asleep the speedometer bad
e told him that?and then he
n as I did so," be says, "I knew
in the road was too narrow to
is truck. I couldn't save myself
Ahead of Them.
right and left, searching for a way
e beginning of the wall. How long
find in it?he didn't know, but he
ust to luck that he didn't run into
! wheels and headed for the clear
ft the road, the headlights showed
3 trees in his way. There was nothd
a steep cliff, at the bottom of
wheel. The top of the bank was
tnew he would never be able to
ly tense, he waited for the sickthe
end.
[ his life. Suddenly, the truck slowed
; soft and mushy. It moved another
abrupt stop. Fred climbed out of
, and heaved a sigh of relief and
a pile of sand left by the highway
od there listening to the swish of
I to me as if Providence were rid:
of sand had been six feet to right or
it clearing and dropped into the
Service.
Definitions of "Dollars"
Joe Tunkins says one reason
finance is so hard to understand is
that the word "dollars" may have
millions of definitions, ranging from
ham and eggs to the equipment of
an army.
First New Englard Rich Man
The first man to amass a large
fortune in New England was John
Hill, mint-master of Massachusetts
colony. He received 15 pence fee
out of each 20 shillings, he coined.
ly, December 31, 1936
J\. Feu? 1
| Little ^
^ -?'
SECOND BEST
A Philadelphia firm advertising
for a salesman received a reply
from a man who said that he was
the greatest salesman in the world.
They engaged him and gave him
three lines of goods to sell anywhere
in the West. They expected
him to do great things.
After he had been away a week
and they had received no orders,
they were surprised to get a telegram
saying:
"I am not the world's greatest
salesman. I am the second best.
The greatest salesman was the man
who loaded you up with these
goods."
TAX ADDED
"How much do you usually get
for marrying people?"
"Five dollars."
"Anything off for cash?"
Wasted Knergy
A gentleman feeling a bit fed up
with life decided to commit suicide
by hanging himself. A friend came
into the room and discovered him
standing with a rope round his
waist, and he inquired what he was
trying to do. The gentleman told
him he was talcing his own life.
"But," said his friend, "why have
you the rope round your waist?"
"Well," said the man, "when I
tied it round my neck it was choking
me."
Knew Her Habit*
Customer?I want a pair of gloves
for my wife.
Saleswoman?Yes, sir. What color?
Customer?Doesn't matter.
Saleswoman?What size?
Customer?Doesn't matter. She'll
be certain to change them in any
case!
Assurance
Officer?But how can you prove
that you art the person to whom
this letter is directed?
Man (pulling photograph of him
sen out 01 nis pocKeu?imow. Is this
me or is it not?
Official?Quite so, sir. Here is
your letter.
Whiskers
Ernie ? My uncle can play the
piano by ear.
Gurney ? That's nothing. My uncle
fiddles with his whiskers.?Columbia
Jester.
Obliging
Lawyer?Get my broker. Mis#
Jones.
"Yes, sir; stock or pawn?" ?Everybody's
Weekly.
KNEW HIS STUFF
"I shuddered when Jim pro
posed."
"Was he so awkward?"
"Oh, no; he did it so well."
He Missed It
Mother?There were two apple
In the cupboard this morning; nov
there is only one. How can you account
for that?
Son?It was dark in the cupboard
and I did not notice the other.?
Philadelphia Inquirer.
Obliging Child
Grandma?Would you like to g<
to the fair and ride in the round
about, dear?
Modern Child?I don't really mint
if it will amuse you.
- -IE
Foreign Words ^
and Phrases
Arriere pensea. (F.) A mental
reservation
Crescite et roultiplicamini. (L.)
Increase and multiply. (The motto
of Maryland.)
Faites vos jeux. (F.) Place your
stakes (at roulette, etc ).
Ipso jure. (L.) By unquestioned
right.
Lusus naturae. (L.) A freak of
nature.
Nemine contradicente (nem.
con.) (L.) No one speaking in opposition.
Tabula rasa. (L.) A blank tablet.
Vestigia nulla retrorsum. (L.)
No backward steps.
?Home Heating
liitlic B> Barclay
II 111 Id Hooting Export
Hew to Check "Chimney Loss,"
Greatest Waste in Home Heating
\X/ HAT is "chimney loss"T
* * Well, that's a term we heating
experts have for heat that goes
up the chimney and is wasted.
Yet it's really a simple matter
to save money by reducing thi3
loss?convert "chimney loss" to
"useful heat," as we call k.
Here's the remedy:
Next time you refuel the fir*,
move the handle of the turn damper
(that disc or plate-like damper
inside the smoke pipe) l-16th of an
inch toward the closed upright
position. Then, if the fire keeps
fi 71
T&IAA
Sectional View Side View
Turn Damper in Smoke Pipe
on burning too freely, turn the
damper another sixteenth of an
inch. Repeat this operation until
you find the correct adjustment
?one that will deliver the greatest
amount of useful heat with the
least "chimney loss."
Once you have found this ideal
adjustment of the damper, mark
the position on the smoke pipe
with a piece of chalk or something
that can be plainly seen, and leave
the damper set at that mark.
Bear this in mind: The nearer
the turn damper is set to the
closed position the smaller the
"chimney loss" and the greater
the volume of "useful heat" that
goes to properly heating your
home. And, of course, the lower
your fuel bills.
A Three Days' Cough
Is Your Danger Signal
No matter how many medicines
you have tried for your cough, chest
cold or bronchial irritation, you can
get relief now with Creomuision.
Serious trouble may be brewing and
you cannot afford to take a chance
with anything less than Creomuision,
which goes right to the seat
of the trouble to aid nature to
soothe and heal the inflamed membranes
as the germ-laden phlegm
is loosened and expelled.
Even if other remedies have
failed, don't be discouraged, your
druggist is authorized to guarantee
Creomuision and to refund your
money if you are not sa'isfied with
results from the very first bottle.
Get Creomuision right now. (Adv.)
Beginning of Education
Education commences at the
mother's knee, and every word
spoken in the hearing of little children
tends toward the formation
of character. Let parents always
bear this in mind.?H. Ballou.
Up in the Morning
Feeling Fine!
The refreshing relief so ninny folk*
say they get by taking BlackDraught
for constipation makes
them enthusiastic about this famous purely
vegetable laxative.
Black-Draught puts the digestive tract
in better condition to art regularly, every
day, without your continually having to
take medicine to move the bowels.
Next time, be sure to try
A GOOD LAXATIVE
WNU?7 53-36
SMALL S,Z^^E/^N. LA|^20Zt
ryflA recognized Remedy for Rhcuieetic Hj)
end Neuritis sufferer*. A perfect Blood
Purifier. Melees thin Blood Rldi end
Heelthy. Builds Strength end Vigor.
Alweyt Effective . . Why suffer?