Newspapers / Greensboro Daily News (Greensboro, … / June 26, 1910, edition 1 / Page 3
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y rW&k neMff DONT believe In wedding "Wedding presents," I Mid savagely, rJrn functions. I dont believe in "exactly that, my dev. Thi being forced honeymoons and particularly I abominate the inhuman cus tom of (giving wedding pres ents. And this is why: Clara was the fifth poor daughter of a rich man. I was respectably poor but artistic We had looked forward to marriage as a time when two persons chose a home and garnished it with furnishings of their own choice, bappy in the daily contact with beautiful things. We had often discussed our future home. We knew just the pictures that must hang on the walls, the tone of the rugs that should lie on the floors, the style of the furniture that should stand in the rooms, the pattern of the silver that should adorn our table. Our ideas were clear and positive. Unfortunately Clara had eight rich rela tives who approved of me and I had three maiden aunts, two of whom were in pre carious health and must not be financially offended I am rather an imperious man, with theories that a woman is happiest when she finds a master; but when the details of the wedding came up for decision I was astounded to find myself not only fjputed but actually forced to humiliating surrender. Since then I have learned that my own case was not glaringly exceptional. At the time, however, I was nonplussed and rather disturbed in my dreams of the future. I had decided on a house wedding with but the family and a few intimate friends to be present at my happi ness. After Clara had done me the honor to consult me, several thousand cards were sent out for the ceremony at the church and 1 an addition was begun on the front veranda. Clara herself led me to the library and analyzed the situation to me, in the pro foundest manner. " Vou dear, old, impracticable goose," she said with the wisdom of just twenty, "what do you know about such things ? How much do you suppose it will cost us to furnish a house the way we want?" I said airily, "Oh, about five hundred dollars." "Take out your pencil," said Clara scorn fully, "and write." When she finished her dictation, and I had added up the items with a groan, I was dumb founded. I said: , "Gar a, do you think it is wise do you think we have any right to get married ?" " Of course we have." "Then we must make up our minds to boarding." " Nonsense 1 we shall have everything just as we planned it." "But how?" "Wedding presents," said Clara trium phantly, " now do you see why it must be a church wedding?" I began to see. "But isn't it a bit mercenary?" I said feebly. " Does everyone do it ? " "Everyone. It is a sort of tax on the unmarried," said Clara with a determined shake of her head. "Quite right that it should be, too." " Then everyone who receives an invitation is expected to contribute to our future wel fare?" " An invitation to the house." "Well, to the house then?" "Certainly." "Ah now, my dear, I begin to understand why the presents are always shown." For all answer Clara extended the sheet of paper on which we had made our calcula tions. I capitulated. II I pass over the wedding. In theory I have grown more and more opposed to such exhibi tions. A wedding is more pathetic than a funeral, and nothing, perhaps, is more out of place than the jubilations of the guests. When a man and a woman, as husband and wife, have lived together five years, then the community should engage a band and sere nade them, but at the outset however, I will not insist I am doubtless cynically inclined. I come to the moment when, having success fully weathered the pitfalls of the honeymoon (there's another mistaken theory but let that pass) my wife and I found ourselves at last in our own home, in the midst of our wedding presents. I say in the midst ad visably. Clara sat helplessly in the middle of the parlor rug and I glowered from the fireplace. "My dear Clara," I said, with just a touch of asperity, "you've had your way about the wedding Now you've got your wedding presents. What are you going to do with tbera?" "If people only wouldn't have things marked!" said Clara irrelevantly . "But they always do," I replied. "Also I may venture to suggest that your answer doesn't solve the difficulty." " Don't be cross," said Clara. "My dear," I replied with excellent good humor, "I'm not. I'm only amused who wouldn't be? " "Don't be horrid, George," said Clara. " It is deliciously humorous," I continued. "Quite the most humorous thing I have ever known. I am not cross and I am not horrid; I have made a profound discovery. I know now why so many American marriages are not happy." "Why, George?" MM to live years of married life surrounded by things you don't want, vou never win want, and which you've got to live with or lose your friends." "Oh, George I" said Clara gasing around helplessly, "it is terrible, isn't it?" "Look at that rug you are sitting on," I said, glaring at a six by tea modern French importation. " Cauliflowers contending with unicorns, surrounded by border of green roses and orange violets expensive! And until the lamp explodes or the pipes burst we have got to go on and on and on living over that, and why? because dear Isabel will be here once a week!" "I thought Isabel would have better taste," said Clara. " She has Isabel has perfect taste, depend upon it," I said, "she did it on purpose!" "George!" "Exactly that Have you noticed that married people give the most impossible presents? It is revenge, my dear. Society has preyed upon them. They will prey upon society. Wait until we get a chance ! " " It is awful I " said Clara. "Let us continue. We have five French rugs; no two could live together. Five rooms desecrated. Our drawing room is Art Nou veau, furnished by your Unde James, who is strong and healthy and may live twenty years. I particularly abominate Art Nouveau furni ture." "So do I." "Our dining room is distinctly Grand Rapids." "Now, George!" "It is." "Well, it was your Aunt Susan." "It was, but who suggested it? I pass over the bedrooms. I will simply say that they are nightmares. Expensive night maresl I come to the lamps how many have we?" " Fourteen." " Fourteen atrocities, imitation Louis Scire, bogus Oriental, feathered, laced and tasseled So much for useful presents. Now for decora tion. We have three Sistine Madonnas (my particular abomination). Two, thank heaven, we can Inflict on the next victims, one we have got to live with and why ? so that each of our three intimate friends will believe it his own. We have water colors and etchings which we don't want, and a photo graph copy of every picture that everyone sees in everyone's house. Some original friend has even sent us a lifesize, marble reproduction of the Venus de Milo These things will be our artistic home. Then there n vases " ' Now you are losing your temper " 'On the contrary, I'm reserving it. I shan't characterize the brie a brae, that was to be expected." " Don't!" " At least that is not marked. I come at last to the silver. Give me the list." Clara sighed and extended it. " Four solid silver terrapin dishes." "Marked." "Marked Terrapin ba! ha! Two mas sive, expensive, solid silver champagne coolers." "Marked." "Marked, my dear for each end of the table when we give our beefsteak dinners. Almond disbes." "Don't!" "Forty-two individual, solid or filigree almond disbes; forty-two, Clara." "Marked." "Right again, dear. One dozen bonbon dishes, five nouvetu riche sugar shakers (we never use them) , three muffineers in heaven's name, what's that? Solid silver bread dishes, M ' .If cfoSnq Tbetent, solid suver taafleetirka by the dosen, solid M Mff0 j"sO aT Q sO silver vegetable dishes, and we expect one Vaf. M J L KJLj r L V olid silver candlesticks by the dosen, solid silver vegetable dishes, and we expect on servant and an intermittent laundress to do the cooking, washing, make the beds and clean the bouse besides. " "All marked," said Oars dolefully. "Every one, my dear. Then the china and the plates, we cant even eat out of the plates we want or drink from the glasses we wish; everything in this house, from top to bottom has been picked out and inflicted upon us against our wants and in defiance of our own taste and we we have got to go on living with them and trying not to quarrel!" "You have forgotten the worst of all," said Clara. " No, my darling, I have not forgotten it I have thought of nothing else, but I wanted you to mention it." "The flat silver, George." "The flat silver, my darling. Twelve dozen, solid silver and teaset to match, bought without consulting us, by your two rich bachelor uncles in collusion. We wanted Queen Anne or Louis Seize, simple, dignified, something to live with and grow fond of, and what did we get?" " Oh dear, they might have asked met " " But they don't, they never do, that it the theory of wedding presents, my dear. We got Pond Lily pattern, repousse' until it scratches your fingers. Pond Lily pattern, my dear, which I loathe, detest, and abominate ! " " I too, George." " And that, my dear, we shall never get rid of; we not only must adopt and assume the responsibility, but must pass it down to our children and our children's children." "Oh, George, it is terrible terrible! What are we going to do?" " My darling Clara, we are going to put a piece of bric-a-brac a day on the newel post, buy a litter of puppies to chew up the rugs, select a butter-fingered, china-breaking wait ress, pay storage on the silver and try occa sionally to set fire to the furniture." " But the flat silver, George, what of that ? " "Oh, the flat silver," I said gloomily, "each one has his cross to bear, that shall be ours." Ill We were, as has been suggested, a rela tively rich couple. That's a pun! At the end of five years a relative on either side left us a graceful reminder. The problem of living became merely one of degree. At the end of this period we had made considerable progress in the building up of a home which should be in fart and desire entirely ours. That is, we had leen extensively fortunate in the preservation of our wedding presents. Our twenty second housemaid broke a bottle nf ink over the parlor rug, her twenty-one predecessors (whom I had particularly srlcf trdl had already made the most gratify ing progress among the bric k brai . two intelligent Airdalc puppies had chewed satis factory holes in the Art Vouveau furniture, even the Sistine Madonna had wrenrhed loose from its supports and considerately annihilated the iewel studded Oriental lamp in the general smash-up. Our little home began at last to really reflect something of the artistic taste on which I pride myself. There remained at length only tbe flat silver and a few thousand dollars worth of solid silver receptacles for which we had now paid four hundred dollars stor ge. But these remained, secure, fixed be yond the assaults of tbe imagination. One morning at tbe breakfast table I laid down my cup with a crash. Clara gave an exclamation of alarm. "George dear, what is it?" For all reply I seized a handful of tbe Pond Lily pattern silver and gazed at ft with s ag jy- is . "George, George, what has happened?" " My dear, I hire an idea a wonderful idea." "What IcW' "We will spend the summer in Low Tree, New Jersey." Clara screamed. "Axe you m your senses, George?" " Never moce so." "But it's broiling aotT "Hotter than that" "It is simply deluged with mosquitoes." "There art several rrwsqui toes-there." "It's a hole in the ground!" "It certainly is." "And the only people we know there are the Jimmy Lakes, whom I detest" "I can't bear them." "And, George, there are bmrgtan" "Yea, my dear," I said triumphantly, "heaven ba praised there ar burglars!" Clara looked at me. She is very quick. "You are thinking of the aflver." "Of aD the silver." "But, George, can we afford ft?" "Afford what?" "To have the silver stolen." " Supposing there was a burglar insurance., as s reward." Tbe next moment Oars was laughing m my arms. " Oh George, you are s wonderful, brilliant man: how did you ever think of it ? " ' I just put my mind to it," I said loftily. rv We went to Lone Tree, New Jersey. We went there early to meet the migratory spring burglar. We released from storage two chests and three barrels of solid silver wed ding presents, took out s burglar insurance for three thousand dollars and proceeded to decorate the dining room and parlor. "It looks rather rather nouveau riche," said Clara, surveying tbe result " My dear, say tbe word it b vulgar. Bat what of that? We have come here for a purpose and we will not ba balked. Our object is to offer every facility to the gentle men who wQl relieve us of our silver. Noth ing concealed, nothing screwed to tbe floor." "I think," said Clara, "that the cham pagne coolers sre unnecessary." The solid silver champagne coolers adorned either side of the fireplace. "As receptacles for potted ferns they are, it is true, not quite in the best of taste," I admitted. "We might leave them in the hall for umbrellas and canes. But then they might be overlooked, and we must take no chances on a careless burglar." " I'm sure the burglars will never come,'' said Clara, woman fashion. " If there's anything will keep them away," I said, a little provoked, " it's just that attitude of mind." ' Well, at any rate, I do hope they'll be quick about it so we can leave this dreadful place." "They'll never come if you're going to watch tbem," I said angrily. We had quite a little quarrel on that point The month of June passed and still we re mained in possession oi our wedding silver. Clara was openly discouraged and if I still clung to my faith, at the bottom I was anxious and impatient. When July passed unfruit fully even our sense of humor was seriously endangered. " They will never come," said Clara firmly. " BuctwuM I ut "My dear," I replied, "tbe lat rime thev came in July. All the more reason that they should change to August " " They will never come." said Clara a second time. "Let's bait the hook." I said, trying to tum'tbe subject into s facetious vein "We might strew a dozen or so of those individual almond disbes down the path to the road " " They'll never come, said Clara obstinately. ( I I Wt '; ' " . f f hi - 9.'A--r J-oAris And yet thsy came. On the second of August, about two o'clock in the morning I was awakened out of a deep sleep by the voice of my wife crying: "George, here's a burglarl" . I thought the joke obvious and fll-tfaned and sleepily said so. "But George dearie's hers in the room!" There was something in my wife's voice, a note of ringing exultation, that brought me bolt upright in bed. H;"Put up your hands quickl" said a stac cato voice. It was trae, there at the end of the bed, flashing the conventional bull's-eye lantern, stood si last a real burglar. "Put 'em up!" My hands went heavenward in thanks giving and gratitude. " Make a move, you candy dude, or about for help," continued the voice, shoving into the light the muzzle of a Colt's revolver, "and this for year's!" The slighting allusion I took to the credit cf the pink and white pajamas I wore but nothing at that moment could have ruffled my feelings. I was bubbling over with happiness. I wanted to jump up and bug him in my arms. I listened. Downstairs could be beard the sound of feet and an occasional metallic ring. " Oh, George, isn't it too wonderful won derful for words!" said Clara, hysterical with joy. " I can't believe it," I cried. "Shut upl" said the voice behind the lantern. "My dear friend," I said conciliatingly, "there's not the slightest need of your keeping your finger on that wabbling, cold thing. My feelings towards you are only the tender est and the most grateful." "Huhl" " Tbe feelings of a brother! My only fear is that yoe may overlook one or two articles that I admit are not conveniently exposed." The bull's-eye turned upon me with a sudden jerk. "Well, 111 be damned!" "We have waited for you long and pa tiently. We thought you would never come. In fact, we had sort of lost faith in you. I'm sorry. I apologize. In a way I don't de serve this I really don't." "Bughouse I" came from the foot of the bed, in a suppressed mutter. " Out and out bughouse!" " Quite wrong," I said cheerily. " I never was in better health. You are surprised, you don't understand. It's not necessary you should. It would rob the situation of ii humor if you should. All I ask of you is Jo take everything, don't make a slip, get it aj" "Oh, do, please, please do I" said Clara earnestly. The silence at the foot of the bed had the force of an exclamation. "Above all," I continued anxiously, "don't forget tbe pots. They stand on either side of the fireplace, filled with ferns. They are not pewter. They are solid silver cham pagne coolers. They are worth they are worth " "Two hundred apiece," said Clara In stantly. "And dont overlook the mumneers, the terrapin dishes and the candlesticks. We should be very much obliged very grateful if you could find room for them." Often since I have thought of that burglar and what must have leen his sensations. At the time I was too engrossed with my own ami out- buffttoaa ' feelings Never have I enjoved a situation more It is true I noticed as 1 proceeded our burglar beean to edge away towards the door, keeping the lantern steadily on mv face " And one favor more," I added, " there are several flocks of individual silver almond dihe roosting downstairs " "Forty-two," said Clara. twenty-four in the dining room and eighteen in the parlor." " Forty-two is the number; as a last favor please find room for them; if you dont want them drop them in a river or bury them some where. We really would appceaate it It's our last chance." "All right," said the burner in an altered tone. "Don't you worry now, well attend to that" "Remember there are tortn- if you would count them." "That's all right hist you rest easy," said the burglar soothingly . " 1 11 sre they all get in." "Really, if I could be of any assistance downstairs," I said anxiously, "I might really help." "Oh, don't you worry. Bub, my pals are real careful muts," said the burglar ner vously. "Now just keep calm. Well get 'era all." It suddenly burst upon me that he took me for a lunatic. I buried my head in the covers and rocked back and forth between tears and laughter. "Hi! what the 's going on up there?" cried a voice from downstairs. " It's all rijjht all right, Bill," said our burglar hoarsely, "very affable party up here. Say, hurry it up a bit down there, will you?" II at once it struck me that if I really frightened him too much they might decamp without making a ciczr. sweep. I sobered at once. "I'm not crazy," 1 said. "You bet you're not," said the burglar, edging towards the dixr and changing the "Hold upl" I cried in alarm, "don't be a fool. What I want is for you to get every thing everything, do you hear?" "All right, I'll just go down and speak to him." "Hold up " "111 tell him." "Wait," I cried, jumping out of bed in my desire to retain him. At that moment a whistle rame from below and with an exclamation of relief our burglar slammed the door and locked it. We heard him go down three steps at a time and rush out of the house. "Now you've scared them away," said Clara, " with your idiotic humor." I felt contrite and alarmed. "How could I help It?" I said angrily, preparing' to climb out on the roof of the porch. " I tried to tell him." With which I scrambled out on the roof, made my way to the next room and entering, released Clara. At the top of the steps we stood clinging togethei. "Suppose they left It all behind," said Clara. " Or even some I " " Oh, George, I know it I know it! " " Don't be unreasonable let's go down." Holding a candle aloft we descended. The ' lower floor was stripped of silver not even an individual almond di.sh or a muffineer remained. We fell wildly, hilariously into each other's arms and began to dance. I don't know exactly what it was, but it wasn't a minuet Of course we raised alarm after suffi cient time to carefully dress, and fill the lantern with oil. Our exploit was quite the sensation. With great Hifhculty we assumed the proper public attitude of shock and de spair. The following day I wrote full par ticulars to the Insurance Compury, with a demand for the indemnity. "YouH never get the full sacunt" said Clara. "Why not?" "You never do. TheyH send r. man to ask disagreeable questions and to beat us down." "Let him come." "YouTl see." Just one week after the event, I opened an official envelope, extracted a check, gazed at it with a superior smile and tendered it to Clara by the tips of my fingers. "Three thousand dollursl" cried Clara, without contrition, "three thousand dollars oh, George!" There it wa thw thousand dollars, without a shred of doubt omanlike, all Tiara had to say v. as: "Well, as I right abovt t'-e wedding presents ?" Which rrrrnrk ) had not f. n u r We s,hrt up Ik.ms, d.iy and Sepan ttu r In four d.ivs v. r li :d nur money- hu: v it!i thing e lia: ! iit! i' of was orr5 and evi rv Two weeks Liter as i t to :.-i next oi ilif jewelers, ed li 1 1 r f:fths of r- suits' 1 very- ii : ed for, dreamed C liarninnimj. et.sioned in our city house, we moved er.nit'tnreii a:.out our new found home, gazing ;it the reincarnation of our i!ver, a ttletrram was put :n my hand. "What is it?' said (Lira from the dining room, nhere she was fondling our chaste Queen Anne teasit. " It's a telegram." I said, puzzled. ''Open it, then'" I tore the envelope, it was from the Insur ance Company. " Our detectives have arrested the burglars. You will be overjoyed to hear that v.e have recovered vour silver in toto!"
Greensboro Daily News (Greensboro, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
June 26, 1910, edition 1
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