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BY GEORC25 ADK.
(Copyright, 1907, . by George Ade In
United States and Great Britain.)
On of the first Novels written in
olid English, as distinguished from
the American Imitation with the Ve-.
Iieer coating, was by Oliver Goldsmith,
and , it was all about what .happened
to the nutiM.a'yf.'-&w&.v. -This
was a long time go, before F,
M,' Jon Crawford , began turning, them
mJmi his Lathe.;'''-''; . p. , v
- KJnere ; were- no : Department Stores
In those days, and the; Bright Toung
Man who was troubled by Inspira
tions bod to go some in order to. es
tablish himself; aa a Popular . Writer.1
' The'Author succeeded tin 4 giving
away a good many 'Autograph Copies
to sentimental Friends, who said they
would prise the volume ever so much
more if .they didn't have to go. out
and buy , it, ,;;.But when he collected
Royalties he never had to borrow any
Wheelbarrow In order to get the Stuff
over . In ' the . Bank.'-' ; ( ".
After he died and the." Copyright
expired and his Heirs could not claim
a Rake-Off, nearly : everybody . on
Earth : began reading the book and
they have been at It ever since.
,A As soon as a Copy gets ao . fear-
Stained that the Lines are blurred
and the Pages all- gummed together,
the Owner goes and gets a fresh one
for SO cents and starts in to churn up
his Emotions some more.
. All of which goes to prove that a
. Preacher who has been dead ISO
Years hasn't an nemy in the World.
- At the time the Book was written,
' "the Minister playing In a Minor
League was known aa a Vicar. Now
' ha is known as a good many Things,
v -especially If he dabbles In Politics.
The Vlvar got many a Jolt After
; organizing a large and hungry Fam
ily, he awoke one morning to learn
. that the Friend who had arranged to
' let him In on the Ground Floor1 of
a Banner Proposition was about to
file a Petition In Bankruptcy. Lia
bilities, f 1 2.000: Assets, two Suits of
i Clothes, a Cameron Ring and a Hot-
j Water Bag.
that nearly every Man who loses hla
Wad has a line bunch of Children that
, are quite beyond the Teach of Grtedy
' Creditor We cannot learn from a
, oareful study of approved Fiction that
. any old Batch ever went broke. He la
lonesome enough,' goodness knows.
'. ;;
On 4K lookout '
Y X '" 'I-,
W -IS if U J , . I I Sf
i -v - I iku i. I x I If I f f
i . S: I l I I . v WW l s-, : M'M I t '
k" kii num . mm n .
su esses. je
AN ENGLISH VICAR.
and- a very Melancholy Figure along
about Christmas Time, tut he always
has a bundle of ( Money , that you
couldn't push through -a Door, '
; After being trimmed, the Vicar and
his Family were kept close to the Car
pet f.The Book devotes a good many
Pages . to ! telling i how v? they. V were
happy, even though they seldom had
one Dollar to rub against " another,
In fact, the Story leads us to believe
that those ?who nave no Velvet ; are
seldom led Into .Temptation. " 4 '
We know,;, however, " that the Vicar
and his devoted Missus and the ' as
sorted flock of. Younr, Folks did not
miss a 'great deal by being hard up.
They lived in the quiet old-fashioned
Days,, when a' little Gooseberry Wine
and Family. Prayers made up a hot
Combination with which to fill In a
long Evening:; ;, . f V
Suppose the Vlcaf , had . stood ' In
with some -Harrlman of that period
and had succeeded in getting one of
those large, elephant,' dropelcal For
tunesthe kind that every American
Citizen .is roasting and trying his
blamedest to get hold of ;;; -a
CoviH he have ' got any -.Action for
his Money? Not so you could have
noticed it
Why grieve over the i Hard Luck
Story of a Household that was on
deck long before people knew how to
roll their Money?
Nowadays the Lady of the House
who Is on her Uppers picks up the
bargain sheet of the Sunday Paper
and sees the Pictures of 1,000,000
things that she wants to buy and
can't ,'..,
In t?80 the woman who was flat
had nothing to worry her. The fam
ily across the street did not have any
Electric. Runabout of a Talking Ma
chine In the 'front room which you
could hear a Mile away when all the
windows were open.
Nobody was expected to pile $800
worth of - American Beauty Roses In
the centre of the Table every time a
few Friends came In to break Bread.
sThe M-a-day Seaside Hotel, the
Winter Trip to Florida with a car
load of Trunks and the Private Oolf
Links were a few of the Modern Ne
cessities that Father Time was hold
ing up his Sleeve as a glad surprise
for a later Generation.
.
Illustration by Albert Levering. '
The Vicar of Wakefield's name was
Doctor Primrose, but he was not re
lated to the celebrated Primrose, al
though both were in the same Line
of Work.' That is, they had to make
good by showing ..oft. on a- Platform.
George got the Coin and Doctor Prim
rose arrived at the Final Chapter with
a' Clear Conscience and Just about
enough Fuel in the .Cellar to last
him to the 1st of the Month.,- ; '
' But he knew ,he: had' beeA oh ' the
level, and so ho must' . have been
Happy, for 'John D.' says that,' those
who try to get.lt and fall down often
derive a lot of Consolation from the
Knowledge they have been Unspotted.
f The Moral of this Is don't let any
ono Spot you.-""'.. ' ': V.:?'??:' '?"''
' But take this world-renowned story
of Doctor Primrose, up one sie and
down .the other, and it Is a Tame Af
fair compared with the adventures
of a real busy Pastor of the New
School. . ,.; . i-;Vvr;.:.;- '
There was a time when every little
Lad who was pale and had translucent
Ears and preferred doing the t, Herring-Bone
Stitch to getting out' and
playing Three-Old-Cat was supposed
. w ae"eM.av'
to bo a likely candidate for the Pul
pit Nowadays the Bishop of the Diocese
is on the lookout for the Toung Col
legians who can stand off the World
and the Devil with the Left while lift
ing a Church Debt with the Right.
Any young Theolog who moves into
a Parsonage and undertakes the Con
tract of herding and subduing a high
geared and strong-minded Congrega
tion certainly has his own Troubles
spread out In front of him like a Hotel
Dinner.
In the old days the Flock took any
Shepherd that wandered Into - the
Pasture and allowed him to feed them
from the Spoon, and swallowed
everything and had te like it
Now the Main Performer has to do
a few Trial, Heats, while they hold
the Clock on htm before they Sign
him.
Church Member! have asserted
their Rights as Employers and now
belong to the Missouri Family. They
sit back In their fadad Parquet Chairs
and say to the bright' young Enter
tainer Just out of Chicago, "Come on
and Show Us."
If he falls to deliver the Goods,
they give him the Gate and send off
to the Works for another Sample.
"But If he Is as handsome as E.' H.
Sotbern and can make the Women
cry and his Clother fit him in the
Back and he has no dangerous Views
conflicting with the Opinions of the
Pew-holders, he may have -'a ' fair
Chance of going right to work at a
Salary one-third as large as that of a
Pittsburg Puddler and somewhat ' In
excess of that commanded by a high-
class Farm Hand. . - ' r ' ' v ...
Having enterd upon hla Career,' he
Is Just aa safe any Minute as the man
who walks through a Powder Msga
slne smoking a Cheroot :r:',-? ;t y t
In order toretaln the Meal Ticket
he, merely has ,to talk like Beverldge,
be a diplomat of, the John Hay va
riety, do the Social Act with the grace
and dignity of-oor old friend Harry
Lnr ana swing me finances with the
keen and masterly Insight-, of Secre
tary 6haw,vCptain of the Wall Street
Llfe-SavlDg Crew. , -v' - -
Talk about old Doctor . Primrose
having experiences! ; :. '-"L;;:.i, .
Did he ever hate to discuss" Evolu.
tlon Jn such a manner that he would
not contradict Science,, and yet would
that the World was begun' Out of
Nothing one Monday , Morning and
had Parka,' Driveways. 'Subdivisions
and a few Early Settler the following
Saturday Afternoon? .
-Did the original Vicar of Wake
field ever have U de a Balaaolnc AM
between the rrosrresslve faction,
which bqllevos that tho Lower Regions
constitute a KlKur of Speech, and the
Old rock-ribbed Wing, that wants
every Sormon served up hot with Blue
Flames around it, the same as a Rum
Omelotte? :.' , ,. :v.v ; ..'
It was Fine Business for the Vicar
of Wakeflald to regulate his Pariah,
because whatever be said -Went,
His humble Followers ' were not
flirting with a lot of outside Cults and
then coming to Church every Sunday
Morning, loaded to the Gunwales with
new and startling Theories, and Just
aching for a chance to trip pp the
Minister and make him out either a
Heretlo or a howling Ignoramus. 1
This year's Preacher is supposed to
have positive Views on the subject of
Alcoholic Nourishment i ;; w
Some of the' Folks in front believe
that the act of absorbing a Scotch
Highball comes under the 'same Cat
egory as hitting a Crippled Child in
the' head .with- an Ax.;'; -f .
Others,, Constituting what Is known
aa the Liberal Element, are known to
keep in . the Cellar, after having it
delivered to the House, in a Grocery
Wagon. They are agin the Liquor
Traffic, but they see no harm in a
Dutch Lunch with' wet trimmings.
Now all that Friend Minister has to
do In discussing the; Drink Evil Is to
be rabid enough to please the Abstain
ers and yet not drive away from the
Fold those who-see no harm in a
home-grown Thirst,
If he shows a frolicsome disposi
tion to mingle with the Toung People
and cut into their outdoor Sports and
try to look 'more' like a Commercial
Salesman than ' anr .Undertaker, so as
to remove the Impression that he is
hide-bound, it Is dollars to doughnuts
that some venerable old Dodo who
manages a Vinegar Refinery will file
Charges against him and that a grand
cluster of petrified Elders will try nlm
on the heinous charge of being
worldly. - - , . '
Of course in every Municipal Cam
paign he muBt stand up and tight for
Civic Righteousness and the Right
of the Tax-Payers and Sunday Closing
and every other Movement that bc.irs
the eform Tag,' and then the Finan
cial Heavyweight who Is one of the
Mainstays of the Church and hopen to
get a few lovely Franchises out of the
City Counsel, will fall on Mr. Preacher
like a Horse on a Butterffy and try to
have him transferred, to, some other
Field of Usefulness.
If he remains Single he cannot hold
the gloved Hand of any young Sister
for l-100th of a Second without hav
ing the cold eye of Suspicion glued
upon him.
If he marries and Wlfey does not
happen to be that matchless combina
tion of Saint and Society Queen that
every one thinks she ought to be, the
Sewing Circle stops working on
Pajamas for the Hlndos and becomes
a grand little Anvil Chorus.
The Vicar of Wakefield should be
overhauled if we are to get the true
inside history of what happens to the
Preacher.
After he has bumped the Bumps for
many Tears and crippled himself
Jumping sideways fo avoid Unfortu
nate Complications, and nis P!pi art
worn out and he no longer float
down the Aisle on Sunday morning
dressed up like a Hjrse and Ruagv.
but begins to be a little old and care
leu and slouchy, and keeps on hand
ing out the aaraeold Specialty, Instead
of -writing In irvToTfcf-iew Gags, with
Light Effects and' Popular Songs, he
will be mighty lucky If , the Congre
gation does not suddenly discover up
in Northfleld, Mass. or out In Bloom
Ington, 111., some Child WomUr with
a Voice like a Bell and a whole lot of
New Talk, and the good old Veteran
will be expected to pack up the -00
worth of Household Goods that he
has saved out of hia Salary In lees
than 28 Tears, and brush by without
any Back Talk.
On the other hand, If he makes a
Ten 8trlke and is reported in the
Newspapers, much to the horror vl
those who believe that a Sermon
should consist very largely of an ex
planation of what Is meant by those
parts of the Old Testament that no
one understands, and gets a Call to a
metropolis where the Salary la to
large that he will be up In the sane
Class with Insurance Agents nnl
Veterinary Surgeons, you mnv r.st
assured that the HarpoonlsU will
after him good and plenty for being
actuated by Mercenary Motives.
Oliver Goldsmith waj a Nice Man,
but whatthe didn't know about some
of the New Deals lht have ben.i
fixed up for the gentle Minister of th
Gospel would make a Book four times
as big as the stingy little Volume that
he wrote.
W 'fll'' ' If I 1 , ' 11 ' II lsxl ... " U L WWWY UWVW 1 - Jr . ' M I TTT 1 a
ill m ;i HiKlfeH If
WILL RAISE A ROW.
Jeff Davis, Who Says He Will Startle
tho Senate, a New Puzzle.
Little Rock Dispatch to St. Louis Dis
patch. .
To "raise a row" In the United
States Senate Is the avowed Inten
tion of Jeff Davis, who has just been
formally elected by the Arkansas
Legislature to represent this State In
the Upper House of the National
Congress. The Senator-elect has ex
pressed the opinion that what the
United States Senate needs is a good
"shaking up," and he has announced
that he will undertake to do the
"shaking" when he assumes his new
office March 4.
These warlike statements have been
made by Senator-elect Davis before
loudly applauding crowds of farmers
in Arkansas and adjoining states,
some 1,500 miles from Washington,
ind there are those who venture the
opinion that the "row" will be tem
porarily postponed, at least, wtoen the
new Senator from Araknsas reaches
the seat of the national government.
There is no doubt that if the Jeff
Davis that enters the Senate March
4 Is the same Jeff Davis that has
kept the State of Arkansas In a tur
moil for ten years, the Senate will
be "shaken up," but it Is generally
blleved that It will be an entirely dif
ferent person who assumes his seat
in the American House of Lords,
Those who hold this belief base their
opinion upon the declaration that Jeff
Davis Is one of the shrewdest men
who every figured in politics In
Arkansas. While no man In the State
has ever been assailed so bitterly on
his official and personal record, no
one can be found who will not admit
that as a politician he stands head
and shoulders above every other man
who has been- playing the game In
Xrkansas. It Is declared that he 'nas
been playing a part, to a large ex
tent, and that he Is fully able to play
a new and entirely different role,
when he finds himself In different
surroundings, at a safe distance from
tho "common peepul" to whom he
owes his political success.
Davis Is a man of remarkable per
sonality. While he hag never been
regarded as a brilliant man and lays
no claim to Intellectual attainments,
his enemies concede that ne Is natural
ly "smart." He received a fairly
good education, taking a partial
course In the University of Arkansas.
This Is not apparent In his speeches
before his rural friends. Ills cam
paign talks are filled with ungrsm
matlcal and uncouth statements. This
is declared also to be an "attitude,"
and npt due to Ignorance. It would
.'. 4 ' t ,,- ;f i. -v k HV . ' . L w View -a , V' r.' --.',; I. . ' -
- . . saw - .'. mm. i . ; s . r - --aaw- , - . . '
Si
the.
not be surprising to see this attitude
disappear when Davis reaches the
United States Senate.
Davis has always placed his trust
In the "common peepul." While he
has built up a machine that In Itself
is almost invincible, the strength of
that machine rests upon the blind
faith that Is placed in him by the
great body of farmers and mountain
ers, whlCn controls the State, so
far as the ballot box Is concerned. In
the face of all the attacks that have
been made upon him since he began
to hold office, Davis has never allow
ed his faith In t'ne common people
to be wrested from him. For ten
years he has gone up and down the
State, preaching the doctrine of De
mocracy and Jeff Davlslsm, until the
two have become so- closely allied In
the minds of the masses that the one
Is Inseparable from the ofner.
"The are three qualifications that
a man must ahve to get an office
from me." Davis has repeatedly de
clared. "First, he must be a white
man; second, he must be a Demo
crat, and. third, he must be a Jeff
Davis man."
It Is this sort of personal politics
that has made him t'ne political dic
tator that he Is to-day. He has de
manded unswerving personal alletg
ance. He has never appointed a Re
publican to office, and neither has he
ever sppolnted an antl-Davls man. A
man of less dominating personality
could never have held such a ., doc
trine safe against the assaults of his
.opponents. He 'nas separated blmself
from the offices which he held, and
every act has been a personal, rather
than an official, one. The least sign
of defection on the port of one of
his lieutenants has been the signal
for the signing of Ills political deat'n
warrant. No matter how strong po
lltlcnllv the offender may be, his head
must fall,
"Spencer Memorial Hospital" Would
be Rotter.
Charleston News and Courier.
A general committee has been
appointed by the employes of the
Southern Railway to raise ir.0,000 for
building a mounment In An!rtT, Qa,
to the memory of Samuel f'--ncer,
late President of the South' i i Hall
way, whose terrible death on Thanks
giving Day shooed the entire country.
Circulars setting forth the object of
the movement have been sent to each
of the 40,000 employes of the South
ern Railway. The subscriptions to
the monument fund are to be collect
ed during the month of March. The
monument is to be built In the plasa
In front of the terminal station In
J
cold eye of Suspicion.
Atlanta. The design of the shaft will
be left to the members of Mr.
Spencer's family. Instead of erect-. 0"
Ing a pile of stone In memory of Mr.
Spencer, it appears to us that it would
be far better to take the $50,000
which is to be contributed by the 1
employes of the Southern Railway
and to build Instead of a marble shaft
a hospital to be known as "The
Samuel Spencer Memorial Hospital," i, v-i
in which the employers of the rail- r
way might be ministered unto, and - :
thus the name of the great president ' "
of the Southern Railway be preserv- 1
ed by generous service from gener- ',:
atlon to generation. '
CALIFORNIA AND JAPAN
W. J. L., In New York World.
If we are bound to have a war
And fight the sassy Japs,
Why can't we give the contract to
Those California chape?
They seem to be the only ones
Who are raising all the muss.
While all the other commonwealths
Don't seem to care a cum.
They've got the greatest State out there
On ours or any map.
And war material In heaps
To overcome the Japs.
Takes prunes, for Instance just that
one,
Omitting all the rest;
In prunes the Golden State may put
Her valor to the test.
khe needn't load a single gun.
Rut arm herself with spoons.
And seising all Invading Japs
Just nil them full of prunes.
When everybody's full "of prunes,
As everybody knows,
He isn't any-good at all;
Anil so the battle goes.
Prunes, California conquering prunes!
Then let the slogan be,
From Sacramento to the coast;
In prunes Is victory!
AFTERWARD.
But If by chance the prunes run short.
And Japs should get the drop,
Resourceful California may
Hand them her lemon crop.
Francis Emory Warren, who has
Just boon elected for the fourth time v
to represent Wyoming In the Senate,
Is a native of New England. At the
age of 17 he was wearing t'ne unl- V
form of a private In tho Forty-ninth
Massachusetts Volunteers. He too
part In the siege of Port Hudson, and
was one of the band of volunteers of
the "forlorn hope" that charged the
Confederate works at that siege. Now
he I one of the most extensive stock ,
raisers In his State.