Newspapers / Lincoln Progress (Lincolnton, N.C.) / Nov. 16, 1878, edition 1 / Page 1
Part of Lincoln Progress (Lincolnton, N.C.) / About this page
This page has errors
The date, title, or page description is wrong
This page has harmful content
This page contains sensitive or offensive material
V j a . - -iu - -- ji . "' f : ' " . ..' . : - .- " Ail Irtdatidefit Family Npaper 8 the yootlti of the Polijtical, Soclai, Agricultural ml OommoTOll or SoA VOL. 6. LTNCOLNTON, N. C, SATURDAY, N07. 16, 1878. NO. 286. m . Site SCutfOln 3?rtfgfU!S. PUBLISHED BY reXA!VE BROTHERS, TERMS IN ADVANCE : One codv. one year........ .. 11.00 rin ronr. six months 50 Mr J 1nvl rnnv. EST To persons who make up clubs of len or more names, an extra copy of the paper will be furnished one year, free of charge. ADVERTISEMENTS Will be inserted at One Dollar per square fnA infil l for the first-and Fiftv cents per square for each subsequent insertion- less than tnree monins. ito aavercise- nt considered less than a snnare. AH V M Quarterly, Semi-Annual or Yearly con tracts will be made on liberal terms the wnnit however, must in all cases he confined to the immediate business of the firm or individual contracting- Obituary Notices and Tributes of Res bect. rated as advertisements. Announce ments of Marriages and Deaths, and no tices of a religious character, inserted gratis, and solicited. A TWILIGHT IDYL. Last Friday evening Mr. Ellis Hen derson, one of our best young men went oat walking with two of the sweetest girls in Burlington. They wens nice girls. Beautiful, uccom plished and modest. And Mr. Hender son was a nice young man too. He wore that evening a little straw hat with a baby blue band, a cutaway coat, a pair of light, wide pantaloons, a white vest, a button-hole bonquet and fifteen cents. . The evening was very warm, and as they walked these young people talked about the base ball match, lbs weather and sunstrokes. By and by one of the young ladies gave a deli cate little shriek. - "O, O ool What a funny sign !" "Where? Where?: Which one, ftlfrida?" asked the other youngjlady cagerljr.V-'' - - -K.-ff?-: "Ha yes," said M r. ' He n d e rso n , i n "troubled tones, looking gfctly but re-. solulely at tho wrong side of the street. 'There," exclaimed Elfrida, artless ly, pointing as she spoke. -'-How funny it is .spelled ; see. Ethel." -Why," said Ethel, "it is spelled correctly, isn't it, Mr. Henderson ?" "Ha why aw why, Je, yes to be sure," said Mr. Henderson, very huskily, staring as hard as ho could at the window fall of house plants. "Why, Mr. "Henderson;" said Elfri da, in tones of amazement, "how can you sajr so? Just see, ice, ice, c-r-double e-m, cream,' that's uot the way to spell cream." "Oh, Eifrida," cried her.companion, "you must be near sighted. That isn't an e, it an a. Isn't'it, Mr. Hen derson ?" . And Mr. Henderson, who was pray ing harder than he ever prayed be fore that an earthquake might come along and swallow up either himself or all the ice cream saloons in the United States, he didn't much care which, looked up at the chimney of the house and said: "That? Oh, yes yes; of course, why, certainly. How very much cooler it has grown within tho past few minutes the young man sud denly added, with a kind of inspira tion, "surely that cool wave the signal eervice dispatches announced as having entered this country from Manitoba, must be nearinj us once more." And he took out his handkerchief aud swabbed a face that looked as though it had never heard of a cool wave nor even looked into the face of a man who had hsard of one. -He knew when he talked of its being cooler, that his face would scorch an iceberg brown in ten minutes. By this time they turned the corner and the appalling sign was" out of sight. Mr. Henderson breathed like aree man. "I always like to stroll along Jeffer ; son street in the evening," said Ethel. "It's so lively. My 1 just look at the, 1 crowd of people going in at thatdoor. What is going on there, Mr. Hender son?" Mr. Henderson looked across to the other side of the street, as usual, and Raid : . V z "Oh, yes ; that is a-clotbing house." "Why, no, Mr. Henderson," ex Claimed Elfrida ; "that's an ice cream saloon." Ethel laughed merrily, "Do yon know," she said- "l" wondered what 80 many young ladies could want in a gentlemen's clothinhouse T Mr. itchderson said, "Ha, ha! to be sure." Anil ob; tho feeble, .ghastly tincture of mirth there was in his nervous "ha, ha." It sbunded as though a boy with the earache should essay to laugh. "Is it true, Mr. Henderson," asked Ethelj "soda fountains sometimes ex plodefV Mr. Henderson, gapping for breath eagerly assured her that they did, very frequently, and that in every in stance they scattered death and de struction around. In many, of the eastern cities he Said, they have been abolished by law, and the same thing should be done here. In New York, I the young man went on, all the soda fountains bad been removed Tar oat side the city limits, and were located far in lonely meadows, side by side with powder houses. "I am not afraid of them," said the daring Ethel, "I don't believe they are a bit dangerous." "Nor I," echoed Elfrida. "I would not be afraid to walk up to one and stand t3T it all day. Why are you so afraid of them, Mr. Henderson ?" Hr. Henderson gnashed ' his teeth and secretly pulled out a great sheaf of hair from his dead in nervous agony. Then he said that he once had a fair, sweet young sister blown to pieces by one of those terrible engines of de struction while she was drinking at it, and he had never since been able to look upon a soda fountain without growing faint. "How sad," said both the young ladies, and then Ethel asked : "How do they make soda water, Mr. Henderson ?' And while the jroitng.man was get ting ready to recite a recipe composed mainly of dirt and poison, Elfrida read aloud Tour ice cream si;n8, and read On a transparency, "IiCtn on ices, cool- ing, reiresDing ana neaitnrui, ,t anq Elfrida read, "Xjadlcs' and gentlemenSs ice cream hal'lors" twice, and Ethel looked in at the door and said, "Oh, don't they live nice and cool in there! How comfortable and happj' they do look!" And then Elfrida said : "Yes. indeed, it makes this dnsty street and scorching sidewalk seem like an oven, just to look at them even," and then young Mr. Henderson, who for the last ten minutes had been clawing at his hair, and tearing off his necktie and collar, and pawing the air, shout ing in tones of wild frenzy : . "Oh,j-es, yes, yes I Come in,. come in and gorge yourselves! Everybod3r come in and feed up a whole week's salary in fifteen minutes. Set 'um up! Soda, ice cream, cake, strawberry cob bler' lemon ice and shefb t. Set 'em up ! Irs one me, Oh, yes, I can stand it. Ha, ha, ha! I am John Jacob Vanderbilt in disguise. Oh, yes; it don't cost any thing to take an even ing walk in Burlington. Put on your frozen pudding! Ha, ha, ha." Thejr carried the" yonng man to his humble boarding house, and put him to bed, and sent for his physician. He is not entirely out of danger, but will probably recover, with care and good nursing. The physician does not know exactly what ails him but thinks it must be hydrophobia, as the sight of a piece of ice throws the patient into the wildest and most furious parorxysma. Hawkeye. The Deacon's Prayer. A good story is told of a deacon in Tennessee, who was in the habit of riding a bucking mule that is, a mule that can make a camel's back of its straight one, and, by a spasmodic movement of its four legs and hump, discharge its rider like a cannon ball. The other day they came to the edge of the worst mud hole in the State, and the mule gave unmistakable indi cations of bucking. The good deacon knew that he was about to be thrown and his mind skurried about for a prayer. His table grace came easiest: "Lord, for what we are about to re ceive make us humbly grateful," he exclaimed, and the mule bucked and he was in. - It is as imrJossible to play with a sin without being harmed by it as it is to catch hold of a buzz saw and .keep your fingers on your hand. If Noah had foreseen the future, and killed the two mosquitoes which took refuge in the ark, he would have rendered sonija of the strongest words in all modern languages unnecessary. I ' ' ' ' ' ' . . ' MM MMHMMMMMMMM Pithy Parassplis. Some young men ought to carry pedometers to se bow, far they have run m debt: . ' - Xho time.. when a; man sighs for more responsibiltty - is- sv?hen the toast-master calls him Auf.-Keokuk Constitution. "' ' : There itf one thing; about Rteam .whistles they nevfcf took tip the, air of "Grand-father's Clock." Font du Lac Reporter. l on wouldn't Kickapoo. Indian, would you ? Stamford Advocate- Nor Cbeyenney bricks at htm 1Hawkeye. You might cut a Chippeway with an axe. . :- .,. i . . .; "Boots Where can I see you ? Shoes;' Personal in N. Y. Herald. If it's the same old pair he had last win ter, you will find them at that cob bler's on the Battery. A young man told a friend this morning that he was going to try a new tailor, so he could "be sure to get a fit f and the friend at once sent for the family physician: The price for drawing a tooth in Chicago-is one dollar. This would seem an outrageous price, but it takes one man to hold the patient's .cheek back. Free Press. The Minnesota man who knocked a preacher down in church is still wondering how many of the congre gation struck him. He put the num Press. ber at 5,000. Free The Iris, or flowing flag, blooms in all quarters of the world. Baltimore News. That relieves Sergeant Bates of a great responsibility in regard to one flag, at least, j A great many Iowa people have a confused idea that Dean Stanly is the father of Stanley Matthews-- Hawkeyc. That's! a mistake. His father's name was Mattbew'ssaleh. V The best of men Jare-seinetimesiftad-ly anno3ed by the black sheep in their family Even Moses had an Aaron brother. A chromo will be given for the first correct solution. Haickeye. A Philadelphia man has been im prisoned for marrying two women, and a Utah man) tun have twenty wives and go scot free. Is this justice ? No,- 'tis not ; &nd we Call Don Cameron's attention to the fact that Pennsylvania isbeing shamefully im posed upon. Phila. Chronicle. A Baltimore dentist says that eight children out often inherit the father's teeth, not tho mother's. And yet eight times out of ten the mother's teeth can be more readily rtfrifo'v'ed and left behind the father's. Nof: Herald, The probabilities are that they inherit their father's teeth and their mother's jaw. Twenty pounds of puro copper were found, a few days since, in a Michigan quarry,1 embedded in the rock. Phila. Chronicle. Poor fellow I He was such a good book canvasser. And that was all of his remains there were? How sail! He rested his weary cheeky on that hard, cold stone and died so far away from his friends. Poor fellow 1 One night last week, at a party in Toronto, a young man was frightening some of the young ladies by his dar ing exhibition of a revolver, when the weapon was accidentally discharged, the bullet entering the young man's side. Inflicting a serious wound. Exchange. We demand that Con the man who in gress should give vented that revolver a medal and four acres of Government land in Idaho, and we hope he will go on making re volvers which have such excellent powers of discrimination. They Were Happy. They looked sad, and doubtless felt so, as they stood up against the horse-rack. "Times are hard," sighed 4one " Wus8 than ever before', the other responded. "An' work's too ex'austin'." "Hit draws a man down powerful." "I never saw money so hard to get a fist on." ' "Yes, bit's skaser'n ben's teeth." "But I've got one fifty cent note left,' you bet." "Ah, well, I hain't" "Let's soak her down for drinks." "Now that sounds sumthin' like re sumshun uv biz n ess, that do." And they hid! themselves behind tho screen hi a jiffy . f Free Press Lessons for Children. J This is a dog. ; Do yda see tho dog? yllc looks as natural as life. The dog is called by some, man's most faithful servant. , One or two in stances have been known where a do frightened away; a thief or bit an agent. They have also been known to bark at, the moon and thus prevent it from falling and dashing the earth to pieces. If it wasn't for dogs we shouldn't know what to do with our old oyster cans You can ask any iestions you desfre. ;"How large is a dog?" f "Well, that depends. If he's running aSray from you he lookslaboutthe size CJ a gallon jug, but if he's coming at 3u he (S(ftt4 as large as a 3Tearling If." "Do dogs guard the house?" "Yes; particularly the kitchen door. thing hurts a dog's feelings so much to have his master think he's wait- for bones, instead of being thereon ard." "Can a dog take a hint ?" f"Yes. As soon as one sees a farmer coming across the fields with arun he iiows that killing sheep is over for tat morning, and away he goes." "Are dogs very strong ?" J "You'd think they could pull a saw- ijg, to judge by the amount of howling tfiey will do between, dusk and day break, but the minute a boy wants a ride on his sled the family dog is trou bled with heart disease and . general weakness." "Can dogs find their wav home from long distances ?" It's according to the dog. If it's?one! yqu want to get rid of he carifi,ud his Ljsav-'bacfc home from California. If it's a good one he's apt to get lost if he goes-iunoV the corner." ;-AOftpW fle'o'.iftHh'clark ?' j " W ' Si's "Smc appear to,bht instances are not rare where dogSjComraanded to rush out and devour the fellow hooking wood, have rushed under the. bed in mis take and staj'ed there. That's all about dOtTS," Woman's Wrays. A young woman in Atlanta, Ga., bought from an elder!" woman her son, for the purpose of making a hus band of him. The 3-oung man was twenty years old ; the mother, how ever, sold him for a muslin dress and a few yards of calico. The trade was made ou Sunday, and the man was to be delivered three miles from the pur chaser's house on the Tuesday follow ing, although that Tuesday a bad day, the fair purchaser walked in the rain to get possession. At Brussels the other day a woman appeared at ike oiice office to com plain of her husband, who had boxed ber ears. "Boxed your ears, eh ?" said the official : "how ?" "So," said the woman, and leanrn over the desk she gave the official a whack of the heartiest sort. He reported, the as sault to his superior, but; :eitx . conse quence of the woman's naivete' as the report reads, she was excused. A woman at a hotel table, in Spring field, Mass., refused a potato that a waitress brought to her because it was not mealy. The waitress took it away, and returned with one of monstrous size. The guest regarded that as an enormity, and boxed the waitress's ears. The waitress re taliated by scratching. Then the two women fought like cats and until parted by force. - A Boston woman induced her rath er weak-minded husband to will all his property to her, and then locked him up in a wood house to die, while she received the courtship of tho man whom she intended to marry when she became a widow. In her absence, the husband's friends made a search, and found him emaciated, drugged, and nearly dead. She was arrested. If a man doesn't know anything, and doesn't even know that he doesn't knaw anything, he is pretty sure to take 'upon himself tbe larger part of the conversation. He who has mobey has the necro mancer's art. If you have all you want, people are perfectly willing to give you more; 11 you have nothing, people are willing to give you more of that too. There is an Italian proverb which truly says. Let us have florins, and we shall be sure to bavo cousins. I - . Bather Tough. From the Turf, Field and Farm.J In April, 1875,. about a dozen of ua were gathered one morning in tho smoking-room of the Italy, on hef voyage from New York to London. We were bowling along at thirteen knots, nho!er 6teani and canvass, and everything was serene. The captain (not our captain, but Capt. Ben. Battles, a fellow passenger, a portly, florid man, with great luminous brown eyes and a ; perpetual smile) shook himself but of a doze into which he bad fallen, and resumed the broken thread of a yarn thuslyT "I was so impressed with the value of fresh vegetables to keep scurvcy out of a ship that, when I command ed the Tippoo SaibjTndiaman, in 1840 I started a kitchen garden in the quarter-gallery, for my quarter gallery was bigger j than this smoking-room with the quarter deck put together." "But the sea water, tho spray would kill the vegetation, Captain." "We were running down the trades, my boys, j Never shipped a sea; smooth as a mill pond ; never touched a brace for six weeks at a time." "But your plants would die for want of water." "I had the idea in my head before I sailed, and laid in eighty puncheons of fresh water for ray garden." "But would your vegetables have time to come to maturity ?" "Have time ?; We're talking of the tropics, shipmates, where I've seen a a pumpkin-vine grow twenty-seven feet four inches in a single tnght. I grew everything the heart of man could desire- sweet corn, string-beans, lettuce I'm very fond of lettuce; and to have it crisp and fresh every morning at lea was a triumph of hor ticulture. Why, wV had such an abun-dance- that we fed the pigeon green peas and muskmclons ! By the way, I was mentioning these facts (?) on shipboard to an old friend of mine, and he was indiscreet ehtiugh to' doubt my statements, and say that I reminded him of a certain German baron Munchausen, I think. Wo settled our difference when we went ashore at Malta with derringers at twent3r paces. I won the toss for the first fire. I The funeral was unosten tatious, but chaste and respectable. I hope no gentleman who hears me doubts my word. That was my last long voyage. I wasn't satisfied with the utile, so tried my hand at the dulce in short, did a little fancy garden ing. I made a perfect Garden of Eden of the old Tippoo Saib. I had scarlet beans, wisteria and honeysuckles trained all Over the standing rigging. There were vines hanging from the cross trees and twining round the stays and yards. It was Elysium. You've all heard of the wealthy Hindostanee mefchact, Jim-Jam MokudderEoy, wb6 made a mint of money out of his African caravans?" "Yes, yes, Captain. By the way, how did he die?" "Very tragically. He was convert ed, took to: hard drinking and com pletely alcoholized his entire syctem. One daf, lighting his pipe, his breath took fire and he burned up: Curiously enough, ho! anticipated this, for an old fortune-teller' had predicted it, and he took out policies in two of the best London companies the Salamander and the Etna, and they paid his widow ninety thousand pounds sterling. I married her." "But we; thought Hindoo widows burned themselves." "Generally j in this, case, however, the learned Pundits decided that one cremation jin a family was enough. However, destiny is destiny, and when ray wife heard a false report that I bad been drowned Coromandel she decided to sacrifice herself in the orthodox way. But the British gov ernment having determined ttfabolish this suttee (sooty T) business forbade it. But when was a woman ever baulked of her will? My poor wife saturated her clothes with kerosene and then set to work frying doughnuts.- The result may be imagined. I come home thinking to give her a pleasant surprise. No copper-colored face, shining like a tea-kettle, smiled on me ; no copper-colored arms were opened to embrace me. I beat my gong twenty-seven feet in diameter made a devil of a racket, in short ; and my faithful servant, Sidi Moham med Yusur, promptly answered tbe call. "Bring your mistress to me," tie 8alamed, retired and returned with the dW-pan. That told the whtlc story. I saw it all. I fell like a log. But I am tough ; I survived the shock. Her property and ashes wefV a consolation. I never travel without some of her in my snuff-box. Tako a pinch. High-dried Scotch, flavored with carbonized begura, is excellent." Here the Captain snuffed, sneezed and wiped his eyes, while I retired to my state-room to enter his facts (?) in my note-book, not dreaming at the time that I snould ever" present them to the readers of the Turf, Field and Farm, imploring their attention and belief. The Ready Reply. A pretty long list might be made of men who have owed their advance ment In life to a small answer given at the right moment. One of Napo leon's veterans, who survived his mas ter many years, was wont to recount with great glee how ho bad once pick ed up the Emperor's cocked bat-at a review, when the latter, not noticing that he was a private, said carelessly, "Thank you, Captaih." "In what re giment. Sire?" Instantly asked! th6 fcady.wilted soldfer. Napoleon, per ceiving his mistake, answered with a smle, "In my Guard, for I see you know how to be prompt." The newly-made officer received his commis sion next morning. A somewhat similar anecdote is related of Marsha! Suvoroff, who, when receiving a dis patch from the hands of a liussian sergeant who had greatly distinguish ed himself on the Danube, attempted to confuse the messenger by a series of.whimsical questions, but found him fully equal to the oecasion. "How many : fish are there in tho sea?" asked Survoroff. "All that are not caught yet' Was the answer. "How far is it to" the moon ?" -'Two of your Excel lency's forced marches." "What would you do if you saw your men giving way in battle?" "I'd tell them that there was a wagon-load of whisky just behind the enemy's lino." Baffled at all points,' the Marshal ended, with, "What's the difference between your colonel and m-self ?" "My colonel cannot make me a lietenant, but your excellency has only to say tho word." 'I say it now, then," answered Suvo roff, -'and a right good officer" you'll be." . Young Clirlsf A.girl in Hillsboro, N. C, poisoned a young man because he refused U make love to her. Young men run fearful risk in refusing to make love to young women. But, per contra, we read that in another town a young girl shot the top of a young man's head off because he persisted in making love to her. Therefore 3-oung men also run a fearful risk in making love to a yonng woman. The safest plan would be to start on an expedi tion to discover the North Pole. There tire no young women there. 5if. Louis Evening Post. ' A woman was yesterday seen hanging out some clothes in a yard on Macomb street, when a boy lookctf over the fence and called out : "Have you seen any mad dogs go byherejust now?" ; "Mad dogs mercy 1" gasped the woman, and abe threw four wet shirts on the ground in a heap and got into the house at four bounds. The boy maintained his .position, and after a few minutes the woman put ber head outof the door and asked: "Have you?" "Noap,"' was the calm reply; "I guess the season for 'em has drawed to a close." "You miserable boy f why did you alarm me so 1" she exclaimed, as she opened the door end stood on the step "Who's bin alarmed? I guess if I want to find a mad dog I've got a right to inquire if any has gone by, haven't I ? You don't expect me to go'n git out full-sheet posters and leave 'em at houses, do you, or pay for a double-column ad. in the Free Press Humph f the idea that a boy can't jist inquire about mad dogs." Detroit Free Press. The State Prison is the only place where the true - minister wants- to preach to a small congregation. 1
Lincoln Progress (Lincolnton, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
Nov. 16, 1878, edition 1
1
Click "Submit" to request a review of this page. NCDHC staff will check .
0 / 75