r
JOB PBINTING
.
ras ri.Esi.JGa iimium "-'i
U Supplied with ail nenis i-y naUrtal, s 4
U tally prepared to do work witt
NEATNESS, DISPATCH. "
he leojjb'irm.
L V. & E. T. BLUM,
PUBU8HER8 AND PROPRIETOR.
An iitn
TERMS: CASH TS ADVANCE.
VERY LOWEST PRICES
On Ooyj en year, . .
v" " tlx months,
" three "
-.
9
. . n
ji
to give u a tiWWM
traettng- 'with anreoe eise.
VOL. XXXVII.
SALEM, N. C, THUKSDAY, APRIL 11, 1889.
NO. 15.
(Q3L
I
I
HE treasure aMn
tor
wnicn yon wme.
Hath passed.- voa sav
the davdawn's cat.
And proudly cleave tin
curling loam.
With all her white sails
trimmed for horn.
You look you . laugh i
how eagerly . .
You watch the meet oi
ea and sky I
Ha, ha I a somethlna
. i .
Is that yours f It may he mine 1
Have I a ship upon the sea?
I wait to hail my argosy, '
With treasure trove from far away
Amid the wonders of Cathay-
beep In the land of Bilk and pearl.
Beyond the maelstrom's fatal swirl I "
And so the sails that yonder shine.
Instead of yours, may all be mine I
The flag that flutters at the peak ' , '
Hath ta'en the blushes from your cheek ; v
You turn away and with a sigh
Bhut out the sight of sea and sky.
There 1 wait with me ; the honeyed bliss
Of hope returns with stolen kiss ;
Bail we the ship that's crossed the line,
Xt may be yours. It may be mine 1
If yours, I will rejoice to know
That homeward breezes gently blow ;
If mine, my hands will haste to share
Its treasures, always rich and rare;
tiove, let us watch upon the strand.
The hopeful breezes blow to land ;
f here will be love and bliss divine,
Whether the ship be yours or mine, '
St. Louis Magazine.
FROM OLE MISSOURY.
, - BY J. H. SPENCER. .
Yes, I'm er ole Californy miner er
reglar ole forty-niner. I went out
with one uv ther fust parties that left
old Missoury fur ther land uv gold. '
I had been courtin Mercy Pitcher
fur 'most er year ; an atter I made up
my mind ter go ter Californy, I went
ter bid her good-by. Fur ther last
month ur two, Henry Morse, ther tav-
ernkeeper's son, had been kinder shinH
in up ter her, an since then she had
been kinder cool ter me. i
"Mercy," said I, "I'm going to Cali
forny." .
I kinder hotted that she'd take on
erbout it, an beg me not ter go ; but she)
didn't do nothin-uv ther sort j '
' "Be you?" said she, ez-cool ez er cu
cumber. ;
"Yes," said L "Hain't yer sorry I'm
goin?" - ( .
"Oh, I dunno," said she. "I hope
you'll hev good lock."
"Mercy," said I, feelin' hurt at her
coolness, "I love yer. Don't yer care
anything erbout me? Won't yer marry
4n e when I come back?"
"WaL, I dunnb yes, I reckon I will,
if yer come back rich," said she, ez cool
ez tho' she was selectin' er piece uv
kalerker.
An' then I bid her good-by, an' hur
ried away to join my party.
I won't try ter describe ther over-i
land journey, nor what we suffered.
Others hev done so, time an' ergin, an
our experience warn't much different
from tneirn. All I've got ter say erbout
it is that it's lucky that any uv us ever
reached our destination erlive.
I did well. In three years I had
made er fortune, ur what in them days
wuz considered one ; but I hated ter
'go home then, when I wuz makin
money so fast, an' so I concluded
ter stay ernother year. Mercy had
alius been er poor correspondent, an' I
hadn't heard from her in 'most er year;
lan' I begun ter think that I didn't care
so much fur her ez I had thought I
did, an' that she warn't jest ther sort
uv er gal that I wanted fur er wife.
I wuz only 20 year old when I asked
her ter marry me, an' couldn't be ex
pected ter know my own mind at that
ge. ,
.Ernother year went by, an', ez I wuz.
makin' money f aster'n ever, I wuz more
. loath ter go home than I had been ther
'year before. I hadn't heard er word
from Mercy in all that time, an' tho' I
knew I didn't love her, an' never had,
I intended ter go home some time an'
fulfil my engagement with her. "I'm
tfnly 24," I thought, "an' thar's plenty
uv time. "
' Six months later , thar wuz er new
errival at our camp. He wuz. er sickly
lookin, middle-aged man named How-.
- ard. He brought his daughter, er
pretty, blue-eyed, golden-ha'red little
gal uv sixteen, with him ; an he must
hev been ignorllnt uv what er rough
. place Californy wuz then, ur he'
wouldn't hev brought her thar. Bat
ther boys in our camp warn't er bad
lot, an most of em almost worshipped
Nora Howard ; an it would hev been ez
much ez one's life wuz worth ter hev
'insulted her.
V Ez fur me, I knew that Nora How
ard wuz ther only gal that I had ever
loved ur that I ever could love; but I
couldn't ask her ter be my wife nor
tell her how L loved her, when I wuz
promised ter somebody else. I wuz
sure that she cared fur me. Love may
be blind, but it knows, without being
.' told, when it's returned.
WaL my fifth year at ther mine
! passed, an still I didn't go home, fur I
couldn't tear myself erway from Nora.,
Ther climate didn't seem ter agree' with
her father, an jest er year arter he
! come ter ther mines we burried him
in ther pine grove near his cabin, i
, When Nora" let us hev his gold ter dis
pose uv fur her, we found that it wuz
only er few hundred dollars not suffi
cient ter support her two years. So
ther boys all chipped in and made her
up er nice little fortune, an she never
.knew but what it wuz her father's
earnins that we paid over ter her.. Ur
course ther camp wuz no place fur her
ter stay in when her father warn't thar ;
so I an one uv ther other miners, er
old, gray-ha'red feller, escorted her ter
1 risco an found her er suitable board-in-place.
Ther camp seemed dreadful lonesome
atter nhe went erway ; an', ez I couldn't
bear ter stay thar, I missed her so, I
ut'lPrmmoil t.l rrr hrvtria Q.TT
marry
.Mercy l'it-hr n.n' trw fo-p fnrcrif; Nrvrn..
I'll never fnrcit bow Nora 'nrned
Palo an trembled when I told her that
i wuz goin' home, an' had come ter bid
her coud-by. -
. Ar nt yer ever comin' back erg'in?"
Bne.
"I d )n't" know,'
said L "Mebbe I
nau, sometime."
i couldn't hev told her that I wuz
home ter : git married ter hev
nave l my life. I had long since given
"1 writin' ter Mercy, ez she didn't
answer my .letters; but I had promised
U-r marry her, an' I couldn't back out.
. ol.()(y recognized me when I errived
p my native village, an' no wonder;
"wi Kro.ved er heavy beard, an'
itM.,i most er hundred pounds
m,'i-e ir I did when I went erway. I
"H"ivl tiu'i- tavern, an' wuz met by er
. i, ""lw'-"oKm' woman, with, two
".udu children clingin ter her skirts
n r l.aby in her arms.
-Hercy Pitcher !" I exolaimsd. '
THX SHIP THAT COKES.
BT T. O. HAXBATJQH.
Who recognized hw voir, tho tm
hadn't recognized me. She turned red
m fcuer laue, au nung her neaa mr ei
minute J then she looked up an said:
"I'm not Mercy Pitcher anymore. 1
an Henry Morse hev been married
goin on four yean
I stayed er half-hour, an talked over
old times with her, tho not er word
erbout our engagement wuz Baid by
either uv us. "then I went an deposited
my money in ther bank, an lost no time
in gettin back ter Californy an Nora.
I an Nora wuz married in Frisco, ax
1 brought her home ter ole Missoury
with me; an I'm sure no other woman
in ther world could make me ez good
er wife ez she does.
What Saved Him. ?
One Christmas morning, many years
go, a young reporter on ft daily paper
had occasion to call with a message-at
the office of one of the foremost editor!
nd publishers in the countrv.
The younger man was a Bicklv coun
try lad of keen sensibility and nervous
temperament, -who, finding hiinsell
homeless and friendless in a great city,
had yielded to temptation and had
.fallen into th& habit of drinking and
gambling. The publisher, as he list
ened to the message, noted the lines
which dissipation had already left on
the boy's face. He was a man who
made it This work in the World to help
others i No man touched his hand in
passing who did not gain from him new
courage and hope in life.
He answered the message which the
reporter "brought, and' then holding
out his hand copdiallv, said, "Let me
wish you a merry Christmas, my lad.r
He took from i a shelf a book, contain
ing sketches of the lives of the greatest
English, French and German authors,
with extracts from their work-.
"Here," said he, "are some friends
for the new year. When you spend an
hour with, them, you will have noble
company." i
. The surprise of the gift and the un
expected kindness from the man whom
he regarded with awe had a powerful
effect upon the lad. He spent all of his
leisure poring over the book. It kin
dled his latent scholarly tastes. He
saved his money to buy the complete
works first of this author, and then of
that ; he worked harder to earn more
money to buy Ihem. sAfter a few years
he began to gather and to study rare
and curious books, and to write short
papers upon obscure literary subjects.
. Men of similar tastes sought him put;
he numbered some of the foremost
scholars' and thinkers of the country
am ng his friends, but he .never forgot
the lonely, friendless lad who had been
sinking into a gambler and a drunkard
until a kind hand drew him back, And
he in his turn sought out other lonely,
friendless boys in the great city,, and
gave them a helpful hand out of the
gulf. :, : !:; .
So, year by year, his "life widened
and deepened into a strong current,
from which many" drew comfort ; and
help. j; ,
He died last: winter. The sale of his
library gathered all the collectors of
rare books in the seaboard cities. Dur
ing his illness, the newspapers spoke
I of him with a sudden appreciation of
the worth which had so long been hid
in obscurity. ;j
"A profound scholar, with the heart
of a child ;" I" A journalist who never
wrote a word to subserve a base end,"
they said. He read these eulogies with
a quiet smile.; The actor who has left
the stage forever cares little for the
faint plaudits of the crowd in the dis
tance. " : I - X
One day he put into the hands of a
friend an old, dingy volume. . "When I
am gone." he said, "take this to Mr.
, and tell him whatever of good or
usefulness there has been in my life I
owe to him, and this Christmas gift of
his thirty years ago."
The little story is absolutely true.
We venture to tell it because there is
no one living whom it can hurt, while
there are many whom it may help to
hold out friendly hands to their broth
ers who have! stumbled into darker
paths in life than they. Youth's Com,'
vanion. ! , : -
The Tenezuelan Republic
At eight in the evening we arrived at
Las Tablas, the nearest port to the
famous Callao'; gold mines, that were
for several years among the most pro
ductive in the world. Of late, however,
their yield has been falling off. until
the price of shares that paid ten dollars'
eacn per montn upon a par value of
two hundred 1 dollars has dwindled
down to one dollar. The decrease, it
is said, is due partly to a change of
management and partly to a contrac
tion of the vein of ore. Shafts have
been sunk only to the depth of eight
hundred feet, however, and it is ex
pected that as they progress more will
be obtained. 1
The gold was brought aboard in
four boxes, each containing two bars of
a thousand ounces tied up in gunny
cloths, with a wooden buoy attached in
case of an accident coming off the
steamer. They were thrown down on
thecabin floor with apparent careless
ness, but two well-armed men watched
the treasure carefully all night, and in
the morning it was to be landed at
Ciudad Bolivar, in transit for Caracas,
where it is coined. ,
. j. When that morning came, as it does
downr here, almost with a bang like
Pat's sunset, the steamer was tied head
and .stern to volcanio rocks half imbed
ded , in white sand, alongside a steep
hill pf the same, some sixty feet high.
Up and down its shifting side a few dis
consolate donkeys were climbing, car
rying grass upon which to feed the
rest of the day ; and at the top a dark
wall stretched along the town front,
showing above it a few yellow walled
flat-roofed houses. And that is all that
is visible at first glance of the fourth
city of the Venezuelan Republic.
After this difficult hill was surmount
ed, the town developed into a rambling
lot of streets upon a series of hills, the
highest one crowned by a cathedral
church and a pretty little ' square con
taining one fair bronze statue of the
great Bolivar, and four wretched plas
ter ones, representing the four coun
tries that owe their freedom to his
statesmanship and valor. Dr. William
F. Hutchinson, in American Maga
zine. - j . ;
" A totj(J man who becomes embar
rassed to the extent of trembling when
he calls on a certain young lady says
he gives him the shake every time he
goes to see her."
The sheriffs4 of Ma'ne have organ
ized under the title of "The Maine Sher
iffs' Association." They may be. de
pended upon to hang together.
THE TALE OF THE rS TOLD;
BY JKTTtS FOBBTJSH HANAFOED;
HDESDAY, talented
Thomas - Tanner, the
trickster, tried to tell
tenacious Timothy
Thorne. t H e tailor;
tremendously touching
.theatrical tales, theo
retical! v told. ,
Three times Thomas
tranquilly told them,
then Timo'thy teased
Thomas to tell ihem
ten times.
This, Thomas Tan
her thought too thin. Thereupon they
took turns, telluig tragic tales trans
cendently thrilling, though terribly
tiresome.
To tell
the truth, "tantalizing
Thomas tried to
othy thought
tell things that Tim-
traditionallv trashy.
This tyrannical
treatment tormented
Timothy Thorne terribly, ther" efOrO
tickled trifling Thomas Tanner thor
oughly throughout that tedious, tem
pestuous Thursday.
Thus the trouble thickened. Timo
thy threatened to thump 'I hOmas. This,
Thomas thought trumperv: therefore,
though tremulously terrified, taunted
Timothy.
Then they tussled together, turning
things topsy-turvy, till they tumbled
through the trap-door transversely,
then touched ) terra-firma. Thereupon
Timothy Thorne triumphantly thrash
ed trembling, tearful, treacherous
Thomas Tanner.
Twas twilight
The thrifty throng
through the ; town termed themselves
thunderstruck. ' They telegraphed to
the Timest then transmitted the tur
bulent transaction through their time
tried treasure, the telephone, to the
Tribune
Thereupon ten thousand " thrifty
Tribunes, twelve thousand trenchant
Times, together, told the town-folk
the terrible tidings. '
The Times termed them tipsy. The
Tribune thought the Times theory
truthful. This transformation tamed
their tribulations to travesty.
The Timesltestimony troubled them;
then, too, 'twas terribly torturing to
tolerate the town-talk, therefore,
though temperate themselves, they
thought 'twas the thing to treat the
townsmen.
Thus they took themselves tripping
thitherward toward the tavern. There
they tempted the " thirsty throng to
tipple together, thereby transporting
them to transitory tranquillity.
, Thus the tale the T's tell terminates.
Trusting to tickle the thoughtless
(though 'tis tiresome to the too thought
ful) 'tis thus tragically told. Chicago
Ledaer.
. A Warning to Young Men.
Jenklnson Wipedunks " would
have exchanged situations with
President of the United States,
not
the
the
Prince of Wales, or the drum-major of
i brass band,
Felisty McGinms had answered "yes"
in a voice as soft and gentle as the sigh
of music in. a dreamless sleep or the
murmuring wail of a caressing breeze
from lethean waters soothingly fanning
the whiskers of Father Time.
"Felisty,"he exclaimed rapturously,
is his left hand and arm disappeared
from sight with a rapid yet sneaking
motion toward, the back of the sofa on
which they sat, and the fingers of his
right hand appeared to be feeling for
something in his vest pocket, "you
have made me the happie.it man in the
world." "
The timid upturned glance of her
liquid dark eyes and the warm blush
that overspread the happy face of the
lovely girl ; replied more eloquently
than words could have done.
- "And you will forgive my presump
tion, darling," he continued, "if in an
ticipation, of your answer I have
ventured to provide myself with with
a with a "
J enkinson paused in some apparent
excitement, and his finger and thumb
nervously explored his vest pocket
without seeming to find ay thing,
"I must have, lost it 1" he gasped.
"Felisty, it was a ring! Ha! Perhaps
it is in some other pocltet."
Bising to his feet he thrust a trem
bling hand into hi3 trousers pocket.
"Jenkinson," said Felisty, as she
noted with concern his ghastly face, on
which the light of a desperate resolve
was breaking, "don t grieve over it. It
will turn up. You are excited. Is there
anything I can do to "
"Yes," exclaimed Jenkinson, in a hoi
low voice. ' "Felisty, I think I know
where that ring is. If you would do
me a favor I shall never forget until
the last hour of my life, for the love of
heaven go and get me a bootjack and
leave me to myself for a few moments,
Chicago Tribune- - -
Those Old-Fashioned Families.
It was those large families of chil
dren, those cold houses to live and
work in, those damp cellars full of
vegetables, which laid so many third
and. fourth wives in the cold ceme
teries, to say nothing of the short
lived first and second partners. When
some grumbler tells us of the good
old-fashioned families and the smart
women of his father's or grandfather s
time, we feel like telling him that the
bondage of those days was something
to shudder at, not to take pride in, and
that the women of to-day may lay a
good per cent, of the phvsical disabili
ties they have to those .same smart
foremothers. With due respect to his
ancestors, if they could be materialized
he would find them much less con
genial . companions than tne bright
women oi to-day, wno are planning,
hoping, and working to have their
daughters better than themselves,
phvsically, as well as in 1 every other
wayr and one more nearer to the ideal
woman. New England Farmer.
Care of Umbrellas.
Umbrellas will last much longer if
when they are wet, they are place
handle downward to dry. . The moist
ure falls from the edges of the frame
and the fabrio dries uniformly. I
stood handle upward, as is commonlj
the case, the top of the umbrella holdi
the. moisture, owing to the lining un
derneath the ring; it consequentlj
takes a long time to dry, and injurei
the silk or other fabrio with which i
is covered. This is the main cause oi
the umbrella wearing out so soon al
the top. Umbrella cases are responsi
ble for the wear of the silk, lhe con
stant friction causes tiny holes tha
anoear so provokingly early. Whei
not in use the umbrella should be lef
.loose, and when wet left loose to dry.
1U
PEALS OF LAUGHTEiL
The Only time when a gun isn't loaded
Is right after the accident.
Love is blind, they say. Before mai
riage he certainly is, and after marriage
he needs to be.
It is a very unfortunate thing for the
poets that the. best known rhyme for
Cupid is stupid.
"Not lost but gone" beef-Ower," as the'
butcher said when he learned that a cus
tomer had skipped without settling his
meat bill
It's a poor rule that won't work both
ways, as tne boy said, when ne tnrew
back the one that had been hurled at
him by his teacher.
"Going hunting with us next week;
author? "No, sirP "Why not?".
"I can find enough to lie about staying
at home." Chicago Ledger.
Just think, here I have been pay
ing for my nephew's lessons in singing,
and wnat do you suppose he does in re
turn? He always sings his songs td
tne!"
. "The saddest words are ; often the
sweetest," murmured De Beei-i "The"
lover's good-night, for instance." "Yes.
sighed Miss Weary, "I always like to
near you flay it.
Motheb Bobby, you shouldn't
speak so crossly to your father. You
never hear him speak crossly to me.
Bobby He dassent, ma; he's just like
me, he dassent.
xotr cannot always tell tne size oi a
man's pocketbook by the style his wife
gets herself up in. A woman with a
low-cut dress may have a husband with
a low-cut salary.
Thk Indiana compositor who headed
a meeting of the town council "Burglar
Meeting instead of Regular Meeting
should come to Boston right away. We
could utilize genius. Boston Post.
"I used to think," said Uncle Ezra,
'that this thing of gals kissin pug dogs
was purty tough, but sence I come to
town an' see some of the dudes well.
maybe the gals an't so much to blame
arter all." !
Scene: Teacher with reading class.
Boy ("reading") -And she sailed down
the river. Teacher Why are ships
called she? 13oy (alive to responsibil
ities of his sex) because they need men
to manage them.
New bride (who does the cooking,
starts up in bed at 2 a. m.) Wake hp,
Charlie. What is the matter? Why
do you groan so terribly in your sleep ?
Charles (half awake; 1 was dreaming,
darling, of to-morrows breakfast!
Mbs. Beown's new ball dress has
come home. Mr. Brown It is a pretty
dress, dear, but I shouldn't think it was
so heavy that you would need suspen
ders to hold the skirt up. Mrs. B.
Suspenders, . love ! Why, that is the
waist I
A poet in the Home Journal sings
thus; What are you to me, my dar
ling? A shelter from the rain." When
poesy renders a man unable to tell the
difference between a girl and an um
brella, it is time that poets were re
quired to take out a nigh-priced license.
In Boston : Mrs. Berkley Have you
seen those new praver rugs at Pherr's?
Mrs. Claundose Yes. Aren't they!
lovely? But do you know that since
the Concord school has made the occult
bo popular I'm , getting to prefer my
tiger mat for supplicative purposes
A REGULA.B freeze-out:' Traveler
Say, boy, what are you sitting there for ?
You'll freeze to death. Boy (between.
nis chattering teeth) Why, aer ole
man tole me fer to take der pup out an'
drown him: but de ice on der creek is
two feet thick, so thought I d sit here'
an' freeze nim to death.
On his arrival at a fashionable water
ing place Herr A. met Herr B. and his
family about to return to Berlin with
bag and baggage. A. What! going
back to town so soon ? Why, the season
is not over yet. B. (whose two daugh
ters have become engaged.) What's
the good of staying any longer ? I've
sold out. i
Wife (to her husband, a phvsician)'
Did you stop at the Vancouver ball'
to-night, William? Physician For a
few minutes, my dear. Wife Did it'
seem to be a successful affair ? Physi-!
cian O, yes. While I was there a,
young lady fell in a fainting condition)
and I prescribedfor her. Here is her;
lathers card.
MiSTRESs-i-Mercy on me, what a
kitchen ! Every pot; pan, and dish is
dirty, the table looks like a junk shop.
and why it will take you a week to get
things cleaned up ! What have you
been doing? Servant oure, mum, tne
young leddies has just been down here
showing me how they roast a potato at
the cooking-8chooL
UNMASKED.
There used to live & learned man,
As wise as wise could be ;
Ton'd find It very hard to find
A wiser man than he. j
He'd studied all the ologies, 1
And knew them aU by heart :
No man was better versed than he
In science or in art.
His neighbors all revered him, and
Deferred to him with awe ;
They thought he was the wisest man
This old world ever saw. f
Bnt even this wise man proved no
1 Exception to the rule ;
1 For finally he feU in love, ;
And acted like a fool. i
Journal of Education. '
i Man with the Glass Eye.
A sound of battle floated out upon
the street from the residenoe of Mr.
and Mrs. Alexander Lee, of Chicago.
Officers hurried to the house, where
they found Mr. Lee seated with his
head swathed in bandages, which were
reeking with gore. He looked appeal
ingly at the officers out of his lone eye.
The place where the other eye should
have been was a raw, red blank; His
wife stood exultingly over him.
Where s your other eye? asked an
officer. "It's all broke up," answered
Lee, the tears roiling out of his lone
eye. "Who did it?" asked the officer.
ly, "and it's nobody's business. It was
.S. UtUf OaCVUGU 1U.10 tr-.r-.j 1C1 WU
my eye. l paid for it - and the other
glassware in this establishment, 1
reckon. It appears that Lee wore a
glass eye. She is the older of the pair,
and she frequently found fault because
her husband ran around town more
than she liked, and to keep him at home
gouged out and destroyed his queens-
ware eye, of which he was very proud.
; A philosopher observes that a man't
conduct is largely regulated by his en
nronment. This is particularly true
if his environment happens to be th
wails oi a prison.
however still thj water may De, you
.fiu always nna the ship's tiller.
BUDGET OF FUN:
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
TAHIOUS SOURCES.
One In a Thousand Bad Enonzb
m He Was Helping the Hun
gryBoth Tired His
Inheritance, Etc
She sank tfpon th' cushidned berich1 .
At Messrs. Kolf and Kipp's , '
And softly said she'd like to get '
A. pair oi sealskin sups.
The clerk cam smirking with a "two,"
And then with "thrt j" and "Tour,"
But still, alas! like Dickens's Twist,
tier ieetaemanaea "more."
The' young xa&ri reached his witf extreme ;
am aaraa not venture higher;
For fear another customer
Would flounce away in ire. .
Not she! A smile broke from her eves.
She cried "Whv. man aliTe.
If you must work that moss grown game,
dc(ui wun nnmoer nvei"
-Burlington Free Press.
Sad Enough He Wats.
Hooray!" cried Cadley4 ifl feel like
anew man."
Oh. please don't" retorted Bromlev.
"Don't be any newer than usuaLCadley.
xou are too fresh, naturally." Bazar.
Helping the Hungry,
"wish you wduld help" me a little,"
said the tramp; "I haven't eaten any
thing for two days." '
"H'ml" returned old Grinder; Tm
opposed to giving money promiscuously
on the street; but if you take this string
ana tie it around you tightly, you won't
feel so empty!" Puck. .
i
Both Tired.
Bill Collector fto hired girl") "Look
here, I'm tired coming around with, this
bill."
Hired Girl (wrathful!) "WelL! tm
tired, too, having to leave my work to
tell you to call again."
ts. c -"Weil, you may tell your boss
that this is my last calL"
H. G. "Your last?"
B. C. (fiercely) "Yes."
H G "Thank Heaven!" :
His Inheritance."
'I can't understand. Bobbv." said his
father, 4why you should quarrel so
much with Tommy White. Your mother
tells me you quarrel with him most of the
time." - . i
"I can't help it. pa." renlied Bobbv.
thoughtfully. "I guess I must get my
disposition from you and ma." Bazar.
The Intelligent Juror.
"How do you vote, Si, guilty or not
guilty f . ;
"Guilty."
"Oh, now, see here. It's a plain
case of not guilty. What makes you
think him guilty f
"What makes me think him guilty t
WaL Til tell ye. If the man ain't guilty,
how'd he come to git arrested!" Mun
eeyU Weekly.
A Good Feature. -.
A widow called at a sculptor's studio
to see the clay model of the bust of her
husband. "lean change it in any par
ticular that you may desire," he said.
The widow looked at it with tearful
eyes. "The nose is large."
"A large nose is a sign of goodness,"
said the artist.
. The widow wiped away her tears, and
sobbed: "WelL then, make it a little
larger." The Wasp.
Put His Foot in. His Month.
Mrs. Robinson was entertaining some
ladies at a select little fire o'clock tea,
and Bobby, who had been exception
ally well-behaved, was in high feather.
handed round, "may I have some
tongue, please?"
There isn't any tongue, Bobby."
"Thatfs funny," commented Bobbv.
"I heard pa say there would be lots of
s. iAmaon u.a-jms.
A Woman's Reasoning,
"No, Mr. Sampson," she says sweetly,
1 can never be your wife. We would
not be happy. You are too extravagant
In your habits."
Extravagant I" he repeated. "You
have been misinformed. Miss Lulu. I
am as economical as a Brooklyn deacon.
Why, I have to be."
Then I can never be your wife, Mr.
Sampson."
"Because I'm economical!"
"No, because you have to be econ
omical!" -
In Safe Place.
Business Man (to new confidentia
clerk) "Here, Waggerly, is the safe
combination. Be very careful that you
don't lose it."
"Yes, sir."
Business Man (next morning)- "What !
haven't you opened the safe yet!"
"no, sir, l couldn't."
"You haven't lost that slip, I hope!"
"No, sir; but I put it inside the safe
last night." Boston Beacon.
-T
Mrs. Malaprop'a Latest.
Mrs. Malaprop has come to town as
usual this season and is getting in her
work with the same disregard of English
as always characterizes her. Society
circles are now laughing over a lapsus
linguae originating with one of the Mrs.
M.'s who is quite well-known.. One of
her daughters, a beautiful girl, has been
sitting to a sculptor, and some one asked
the laxly what was being done. "Oh,"
she replied, "my daughter is having a
bust made of her hand." Washington
Critic
. a
Entitled to Ride Free. .
Saturday a poorly-dressed, trampish-
appearing man boarded a south-bound
Cottage Grove avenue car. When the
conductor asked for his fare the man re
plied that he was out of change, but that
he guessed he could ride to Sixty-third
street. .
"No, you can't unless you have the
money to pay for it," the conductor an
swered. "Well, now I jest kin. I see that sign
there afore I got on this car, sarin' : fJo
Sixty-third street without change.' "
Chicago MaiL . . - .
Scintillations From the Sanctum.
The product of the cotton plant en
ters largely into the consumption of the
people in 'one way and another," re
marked the casual caller, as he put a few
choice exchanges in his pocket. ' ' Yes,"
replied the snake editor as he put the
memorandum of a bright idea on his
scratch pad. "Now, besides the textile
uses of cotton, we have cottonseed oil
used in the manufacture of lard."
"Yes," assented, the snake editor im
patiently. "And I suppose," added the
oaller, judiciously passing out of the
door, "that soon we will be. drinking
cotton-gin. Pitldiirg
graph.
GhrenicU-TU-
Great Expectations.
AstroiopftnTm Yon are a
business man, t see. The stars tell me
that you expect to add to your fortunes
shortly. Your thoughts are erftifel 011
money. Arn I not right, sir!" ..
Caller "Well, yes, that it -"I
thought so. I nerer. make' a mis
take. The money you are looking for
you will receive. There will be no
trouble about It; no delays of any kind.
One dollar please. Always come to me
when you" want Advice. Everything I
touch turns to gold.
xou mistake. I did not come here
to have my fortune told. I am the prd
prietor of the grocery store around the
corner, and I would like you to pay this
bilL three -weeks overdue."
f'Ahem! Please call again." PhUa
detpid BeeoreL
Gave Himself Awaty.
"How did I get this black eye I re
peated the drummer, as he buckled the
straps to his satchel. "Well, I tried to
be smart."
"How?"
"I was at Seymour, Ind. and In a
hurry to get my railroad ticket. So was
another chip. The ticket seller was
slow, lazy and impudent. The other
man pulled his gun, shoved it into the
window and got his ticket ten seconds
later. It was a hint for me."
"And you accepted it!"'
"I did. I shoved tar revolver into
the window and gave the ticket man a
quarter of a minute to get me a paste
board."
"And he jumped!"
"He did jumped out of his office
and broke me in two over a baggage
truck. He's got my revolver yet."
But how did it happen to work in
one case and fail in another!" ,
"Oh, I couldn't keep my voice from
trembling, and then I didn't have long
hair anda. buffalo overcoat. He got
right ontome for a f ak." -Detroit Fret
Press . . - -
Talking Shop.
Scene The Composing Room of an
Agricultural Paper.
Foreman VJim, what are you doing!"
Jim "Setting up" 'A Young Man on a
stock irarm."'
FomaanI..Whenvougetthroughwith
fh Tnt A r Pint m , I
and 'An Efficient Lightning Bod' at
top of the first column."
Jim "What must t do with the
'Spanish Itch' and Texas Fever!'
Foreman "Distribute them and then
try and get in this 'Sure Cure for Hog
Cholera.' Let 8am set up 'A Good Cow
Shed' and 'A Pleasant Summer Drink,'
and give Joe The Hollow florn. ; If
he wants more let him have 'Home
Made Cheese' and "Gherkin Pickles.
What did vou do with that 'Money in
Early Broilers?"
Jim "It's locked up. So is 'Consti
pated Colt.' The devil made a lot o'
pi out of Elegant Corn Bread and
'Nico Tomato Sauce' and is sow going
for a 'Good Farm Dinner.'
Foreman "Where is that 'Fine Young
Holstein Bull For Sale!' I can't find it."
Jim "Beckon not. It's dead two
weeks ago, and taken out."
Foreman "Can you get Jones and
Smith's big Jack in this week!"
Jim "No. Have to hang on the hook
till .the 15th. Had to crowd out A
Fine Lot of t. Young Merino Bucks' so as
to get in '100 Berkshire Pigs. "
Foreman "What did you do with that
Mammoth Yellow Yam! '
Jim "That had to give place to 'A
Home-made Wire Bustle.' n
Foreman (petulantly) "Shoot the
bustle I We ain't runnin a fashion
paper." Southern. Live Stock Journal,
No More Speculation for Him.
"Yaas. there's money made in stocks,
no doubt," said the old man as he re
moved his hat and ran his fingers through
his gray locks, ''but it's a risky biziness ;
it's suthin' like bettin' on where light
ning's going to strike, with the odds of
hi ting the tree you stand under."
'Then yon never speculate!"
"Never. I dig along on the old farm,
taking one crop with another, and pull
ing old stumps when I've nothing else to
do; and if I don't make any great shakes
I haven't anything to worry over. I had
a purty solemn warning during the coal
ite excitement and it cured me of specula
tion." "How was that!"
"Waal, I was a widower then; wife
fell down the well and was drawn out as
stiff as a poker. I had a big farm, lots
of stock and was called purty solid. We
all got excited about ile and all of us
dug more or less holes in search of the
stuif. All of a sudden a widder living
about two miles from me found ile in a
dozen places on her farm. She was a
widder with a bad nose, freckles all over
her face, eyes on a squint and built up
like a camel. But when she struck . ile
that was a different thing. I guess some
six or seven of us began courting that
j widow within sixteen hours of the sight
of that ile. I know the procession
reached from the gate to the house." -
"And vou got her!" tl
"Not much I didn't, and that's what
Tm thankful for. Somehow or other I
couldn't work up to the pint. That
nose kinder stood in the way every time
I was ready to put the question. She
acted like she wanted me, but Deacon
Spooner got-the best of all and they
made a hitch." . '
"And then what ;" v
"Nothing, except she had dosed that
farm with a barrel of ile and thus got a
husband for herself and a home for her
five children. When the news came out
I was so cold along the backbone that
they had to kiver me up with a hoss
blanket, and since that time I havent
had the nerve to buy eggs at seven cents
a dozen and hold 'em for a rise."
Prescience of the President's Wife.
Young Russell Harrison says: "Mother
has always had an idea, as long as I can
remember," said the young man, "that
father would some day be President of
the United States. When he was de
feated for re-election to the Senate she
cheered him up and told him his chances
for getting the Presidential nomination
were better out of tne senate than in it,
and mother had an idea, too, that father
would be nominated here by this con
vention. Father was never sanguine.
but mother stuck to it, though we all
feared the Gresham movement would
kill father's chances. When at last the
nomination was made I don't think
mother was surprised a bit, and she told
father he needn't concern himself about
the election at all, as he would go to the
White House just as sure as he lived.
Mother didn't pretend to know anything
about politics, but she would not give
up her idea that father would be Presi
dent some day. So you see she knew
more about it than most of tho poli
ticians. " Nevi Orisons Picayune
POPULAR SCIENCE.
Searchlights of high candle power art"
being experimented with. .
The car speed on the electric road at
Omaha and Council BltrSb is often more
than fifteen miles an hour.
Haze is claimed to be often due to
local convection currents in the air",
which render it optically heterogeneous.
Cryolite, for making candles. is brought
from Greenland, where Important and
little-known mining operations are ear
ned on.
It is now claimed that the whole do
main of optics is annexed to electricity.
which nas thus become an imperial
scien6&
la testing forty-two boys between nine
and sixteen years of age for color blind
ness not one maae su error n matching
the colors. ...
Jamaica lies within the influence oi the
Gulf Stream current, which is held to ac
connt for the unknown fruits collected
.on its shorei
Sedimentary rocks occupying whole
regions bear evidence of profound mod
ifications without its being possible to
'.discoyer the slightest eruptive cropping
lout.
.' ' Three new asteroids have recently been"
added to the system by Palisa at Vi
enna. The new planets are all extremely
jsmall, oi tne eleventh or tweiith mag
jnitude.
j The mists of the British Channel
change on their upper surface sometimes
to cirro-strati, sometimes to cumuli,
and twice within two years to thunder
(clouds.
The results of photographs of the
moon and nebulae taken with Mr. Corn-
toon's five-foot telescope to test the
'figure of the silver on glass speculum
are highly satisfactory. . -
The temperature of Siberia was once
.much milder than at present. This
change of climate if said to account for
Ithe conversion of what were once sed-
jentary birds there into birds that migrate
to South Africa and elsewhere.
. The greatest improvements in electric
apparatus appear to have been developed
on shipboard. AU of the modern built
ships are gradually receiving their equip
ment The ocean going passenger ships
are all provided with the latest improve
ments, and the innovation appear to be
Uh atrOM f tte TariOU
W"53. n
Some years ago, the greenish color of
'some of the sloths was attributed to the
presence of an alga upon the hair.
!Madam Weber von Bosse has recently
described two genera and three species
of these parasitic plants. The one new
genus is green, the other, with its two
species, is violet. From 150,000 to
00,000 individuals of these algae -may
occur upon a single hair.
According to Miss Eva M. A. Bew
pher, of Mauritius, it is a well authenti
cated fact that each hive in tropical
countries has its "ventilating bees" dur
ing the hot season. Two or three of
.these bees are stationed at the entrance
of the hive, and cool the interior by in
'cessant fanning with their wings. They
are relieved at intervals by others, and
'while on duty are kept constantly at
work by a sort of patrol of bees.
, A Canadian ornithologist, Mr. E.
E. Thompson, attributes considerable
ventriloquial powers to some. bird;.
When surprised in the act of singing
Ithese feathered ventriloquists become
'silent for a few moments, and then give
forth a faint song, that seems to come
from far away, though the singer may
be only a few feet distant. This curious
deception is especially noticeable in
sparrows, but has been observed also in
thrushes and robins.
The Boston Adtertiser prints a de
scription of the device of W. C. Trus
selL of that city, which he claims will
largely take the place of - ice. The
patent covers the construction of a
modest tin box, and the chemicals em-,
ployed to lower the temperature. The!
box is made of tin, and is one foot long,j
eight inches deep and four inches wide.
In it are placed the proper chemicals,,
and it is then placed in the refrigerator,'
in the room, in the closet, or wherever)
it is desired to produce a low degree of
temperature. Its primary use is to sup-
plement the use of ice in refrigerators
and refrigerator tests were those made)
by the party referred to.
Belies of Chicago's Great Fire.
"Do you
hanging up
see that old photograph
there?" asked a man in
Clayton's place. "WelL" he continued,
"that is the old court house the ruins
of it after the great fire of 1871, I mean.
Up in that shattered tower hung the big
belt Of course, it fell when the flames
destroyed its supports. 'I don't know
whether Harry Everhart caught it or not
as it fell, but he was soon on the ground
and secured the debris. Before the fire
was out he had purchased the remains of
the bell and had arranged to have the
bell metal modeled into small bells as
relics of the fire.' Every one around
town soon wore upon his watch, chain a
tinkling reminder of the big disaster.
At first these miniature bel s sold for
$1.50 each, and every one was accom
panied by a certificate attesting its genu
ineness. The depot for these little bell
was in an old dwelling in the brick block
at the northeast corner of Wabash avenue
and Harman street. I would not say
that Harry watered his stock' exactly,
but he sold thousands of small bells
more, in fact, than it would seem could
be molded from the big court house
belL Pretty soon, as the novelty wore
off. the price went down, and finally
fvou could buv a small court house bell
jrelie for a quarter." Chicago Herald,
An Arizona Indian Shampoo.
The hair of both sexes is worn long,
reaching nearly to the waist, and is cut
sauarelv across. Do the dusky children
of the desert profane " their ebon locks
with brush or comb! Not to any great
extent. Thev follow a device at once
economical, unique and effective. They
make a thick paste of the adobe sou
and water, and having wound the hair
closelT around their heads, they smear
it from brow to occiput with sticky
gray mud and let it dry. When thor
oughly dry it is cracked off and the
hair emerges therefrom clean, smooth,
and glossy as the proverbial raven's
wins. Compared 10 in is we snampoo
of civilization is foolishness. Chicago
Tribune.
Buckingham Palaee China.
The value of the china at Bucking
ham Palace and in the private apart
ments at Windsor must exceed $1,000,
000. In the corridor at the castle there
is a Ruhl cabinet which contains three
unique Rose da Barri vases, which were
valued not long ago at $100,000, while
near at hand is another cabinet contain
ing three vases, respectively of Sevres,
Worcester and Crown Derby, which -
valued at $15.000. Lon-ion Trullu
EPRINO FANCIER
t
N tH T0TXKO KAJT.
In the spring the youth his person la the Ut
est fashions decks.
And begins to cast admiring glances on tha
other sex; - N
In the spring a nameless yearning, something .
that he cannot trace,
Comee upon him When he meets a
with a pretty face
And the fluttering of a ribbon, or the per
fume of a glove, V, '
Thrills his pulses, and his "fancv lizhtlv
turns to thoughts of love. .
. h. . - ; x.
TH TOT7JTO WOXaJT. .
In the spring the maiden doffs the glossy
, . seelsVin saoqne she wore,
Which enables her to don a bigger trastla
than before.
Then she puts on light garment, snowy
laees, ribbons gay,
And a gorgeous bat the climaT cape oC her
new spring array.
All the secrets Of the toilet usee with a
woman's skill.
For her heart, too, is responsive to the
son's magic thrill.
nr. v
both.
Soon some strange mysterious process bring
together youth and maid; ,
There are meetings in the moonlight, there
are whisperings in the shade.
Wanderings in secluded places, often till the
hour is late.
Loving glances, sweet confessions, stolen
kisses at the gate.
Petty quarrels, over nothing, that with
misery fill life's cup. ' .
Pride's surrender, explanations and delicious
makings up.
When the tender grass is springing and the
opening buds appear.
When the birds are gayly singing, and the
skies are blue and clear.
Thus its course in spring love runneth, cuL
- minating in tne May,
With parental blessings and the naming of
the wedding day. .
Boston Courier.
PITH AND POINT. ;
Always in doors Keys.
Round about pleasure Equestrian ex
ercise in the riding academy ring.
A slight-of-hand performance Re
jecting a suitor. Burlington Free Press.
In New York a sign of wealth is a dia
mond pin. In Philadelphia it is a ter
rapin. ,
What most husbands exclaim when
the dressmaker's bill is presented
"Ahem I"
The only gems that are a drag in the
market Gems of thought, Binghemton
liepuUican. '
Bjones "There's not much encourage
ment to be good in this world." ilerritt
"We never think so until . we are
caught doing bad." New York Sun. ' .
Sopbronia keeps out of the kitchen
And aav. with a withering look.
She could never endure her hnsband
To aver that be married a cook.
GoodaiCsStin.
' Would-be-Pitron "What is the legal
fare for ten blocks!" Cabman "Dunno.
If you want ter know anything 'bout
law go ter a lawyer. n Philadelphia ik
cord. - "
Never a woman with a secret entrust,
She surely will tell, or else she would bu'st, .
But one secret she'll keep; this truth yon may
gauge
The mysterious secret of ber own exact age T
The locomotive is no coward, but it
will run at a minute's notice, It will
back out of a tight place in a hurry, and
it takes water whenever it gets the
chance. WathingUm Critic.
"I see Brown's store is closed no by
an Injunction," said Mrs. Sprfggins.
"What new-fangled thing '11 they have
nextf In father's time a boy was good
enough to close a store." Bazar.
A young divine tells a story of a groom
who, after the marriage ceremony,
slipped a two-dollar-bill into his hand,
murmuring, apologetically, "111. do
better next time." Harper's Magazines
Woman has got two sets of eyes, tis said.
With one set she will look .right straight
ahead. I
And with the other set will strictly coo
Just what a passing woman has rot on.
OoodaWs Sun -.
Miss Ketchon "Did you knock at
the door when you came to-night,
George!" Mr. Tomblety "Yes, Amy.
Why do you ask!" Miss Ketchon (shyly)
"I thought perhaps you had come
with a ring." New York Bun.
The New York Longaere.
A correspondent wants to know why
the vicinity of Broadway, from Fortieth
to Fiftieth street, is called "Longacre."
The reason is because there are a great
many carriage makers there. Some of
the largest carriage manufactories in the
world nave chosen that locality, either for
stores or factories. The name comes
from London, where there is a locality
known as "Longacre," which is noted as '
the centre of the carriage trade, and
naturally the New York locality, got the
same name in the same way that a good
many other ionaon names nave got
settled In New York. There is one dif
ference, however. In the London Long
acre the streets are rather narrow, while
in the New York Longacre the streets
are wide. At the junction o." Broadway,
Seventh avenue, and i ortj-second street,
the street becomes very wide.. The
carriage makers settled there when the
bind was not so valuable as it is now.
The origin of the term 'JLongacre" in
London goes back to antiquity. New
York Sun. ;
The "Glare" of Onr White Skint.
Nothing is mors common than for
Europeans to complain of the difficulty
they have in individualizing men of dark
races who to the eye of the white man
seem all more or less alike. The natives
of India have apparently the same diffi
culty with - white men. Some men of
the Lancashire ilegiment stationed at
Benares recently broke loose and raidcl
a liquor shop in a neighboring village.
Some of the culprits were so drunk that
the authorities easily discovered them,
but in order to spot the remainder the
regiment was paraded, and the villagers
were asked to point out the guilty men.
They absolutely failed to do so in
single case, whereupon a native paper,
commenting on the incident, says : "Not
a doubt of ft. One of the most difficult
feats under the sun Is to identify Euro -pears
they are so much alike with their
loud, glaring white color. We wonder
whether their friends and relations are at
a loss as to who's who. n London GloU.
Missouri Is the only State in the Union
that makes no provision for her militU..
In 18s5 there were seven regiments i i
are
the State, while now there are bat two,
numbering ISOJ men.
V
V