Newspapers / Roanoke News (Weldon, N.C.) / Sept. 17, 1891, edition 1 / Page 2
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THE ROANOKE NEWS, THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 17, 1891. THE HUMORISTS. A LITTLE NONSENSE NOW AND THEN IS RELISHED BY THE WISEST MEN. "I was kicked by a horse when I was little, and knocked senseless," said Chap pie. "How soon do you expect to recover?" asked the cynical Maude. "Henry," sobbed his finance, "I heard that you flirted in the mountains with some other girls." "That's all right," he answered, "they won't know mo when they come back to town." She (hesitatingly) This is very sud den. Mr. er er Smith w ir nnt' We only met last night, and He but reflect, I've only a week to stay here, and there are forty other girls at the hotel and about two men. Poet What do you think of the.e verses? I just wrote them off on the inspiration of the moment. Cynic If you can get some editor to accept them on the inspiration of the moment you will be doing very well, in deed. Uncle Silas (reading) Stifferny and Co., have made a solid silver epergne for a New York lady. It is valued at $1,596. Aunt Betsy That's downright ex travagance. I never had an apr'n in my life that cost over 35 cents. A Satisfactory Explanation Mr. Greenough It seems to me that was a pretty light ton of coal you sent to my house to-day, Mr. Coke. Coal Dealer Why, that load was of the best quality, sir; full of gas and tar you know, and those things don't weigh much. Mr. Greenough 0, excuse me; I had forgotten about that! Justice Explain how your neighbors chickens came to be found in your coop. Brer Coon Yo' honor, deni hius went dat yer coop of der own accod, and the do' blew shut. Telegraph Operator You'll have to pay this in advance. Simpson Why; I thought you always sent telegraph messages "on tick." . Mistah Johnsing Say, you wuffless white trash, did you frow dat brick at my head? Snodgrass No, sir; I merely propell ed it in the direction of your cranium. Mr. Johnsing (modified) 0, dat's all right, sab. "It was a tight squeeze for me," said Bjenks, as he finished the story of his adventure, and an old maid listener whis pered softly to herself "If I had only been there." Foreigner dey tell me you haf nearly dree hundred tousand words in in your langwich. How effer can you use so many? American (attorney at law) Huh! we use all of them my friend every time we draw up an indictment. Mrs. Do Grampcey Where did you get your divorce, Mrs. Downey in Chicago? Mrs. Downey No; in South Dakota. Mrs. De Grampcey Is that so? I must try South Dakota next time. One gets wedded so easily in Chicago to such matters. V Mrs. Snubbing I wish I could do omething that you would admire and )t criticise as you always do. tr. Snubbing I admire everything 'on't do, wy dear, and that opeus up possibilities for you. 1 "iu are determined to i. Do you believe she noney? re, A BIC CAME OF POKER. IN WHICH THE CHIPS REPRESENTED STEERS INSTEAD OF MONEY. "The game began at Texarkana," said a Pittsburger, who occasionally drops into poker, to a Dispatch reporter, "the oddest and one of the biggest poker games ever yet played. It was early in the fall of last year when four ranchmen, who own between them thousands of acres of laud and tens of thousands of cattle iu Texas, met at the terminus of the Iron Mountain road. They were bound for Chicago, where they intended to sell their cattle, and, as the wealthiest cattle men of the Southwest cften do, they pre ferred to make the journey in the ca boose of a stock train the atmosphere was more congenial and the chance to indulge iu the national game was tempt ting. The game was not peculiar in it self; it was carried on iu the free-and-easy but business like way that obtains iu the West, but the value of the chips was stated in unusual terms, a white chip standing for one steer, a red chip stand ing for five steers and blue chip for ten steers. A tolerably large herd of cattle was upon the dry goods box which served for a table at every deal and oue jackpot contained no less thnn 300 bend of cat tle. From Texarkana to, St. Louis the player's luck was about even, although hundreds of hands were played in that time. But when they struck the Al ton and entered the home stretch for Chicago the contests grew fiercer, and at about every third hand the betting ran high. Luck turned in one of the players' favor the man who had least rocks, by the way and when the multiplying lights on the prairie showed that the train was nearing Chicago the game ended. The other three meu had lost every chip they had, had borrowed again and again with the same result) and when the winner counted up he found he had won 40,000 head of cattle belonging to the other three men in the game, or in close upon $250, 000." THE "LITTLE MOTHER. 1 SHEWASN T OOINO TO TAKE ANY CHAN CES ON THE BAI1Y. She was a tinny little girl, with dirty, sun tanned hair, a blue calico dress and bare feet, save the St. Louis Republic. Sheca ried in her arms a baby half as largo as herself, and the baby was so heavy that it sagged down in the middle, giving the infant the appearance of being held by the feet and the nape of the neck. There was some excitement around the corner of the next block on Wath street and the children were hurrying for ward like mad from all directions. The little girl tried to run, but the baby was too heavy, and her breath gave out. Said I, in a sprit of badinage: "Drop the baby, sis, and go see what the trouble is." She stopped and started at me. "I say, put the baby down on the side walk and run." "Yer must take me fer a tool, mister." "Why?" "Cos this is our baby." "Well, suppose it is? I'll stay here and watch it for you." "No you won't, mister. You might carry it off." "What if I did! Ain't you tired car rying it around and making your back ache?" "Naw, I ain't. Say, mister, this is the only little baby we've got, and if yer only knowed how she can crow and laugh yer wouldn't want me to do such thing. This baby han't got no ma Vcpt me, and pa an J me eni-Mn't do 'thouther. She sets up in high chair t the table and crows and kicks while me and pa eats, and at night I rock her to sleep like ma used to do. When ma died thebaby didn't know no I etter, but just laughed and hollered, and I cried so I couldn't keep her still. Put her down upon the sidewalk! Fool killer 'II pit you, mister, cf you stay around here long." A Safe liiveatmeiit. Is one which is guaranteed to bring you satisfactory results, or in case of fail ure a return of purchase price. On this afe plan you cau buy from our advertised iggist a bottle of Dr. King's New Dis 'V for Consumption. It is guaran bring relief in every case, when any affection of Throat, Lungs uch as Consumption, Inflam Lungs, Bronchitis, Asthma, Cough, Croup, etc., etc. It nt and agreeable to taste, perfect and can always be depended upon. Mttles free at W. Al. Cohen's drug- . "Ever notioed bow easily a chicken gets rattled?" "Yes, always tare to lose its head. teJ ArV.4U1MIX It NEW ADVERTISEMENTS. Ayer's Hair Vigor Ja unrivaled for the restoration of faded and gray hair to its original color and freshness, I'ho most popular end elegant toilet preparation in the world, all who use it pronounce it, also, the best hair-grower. When the capillary glands become enfeebled by disease, age, or neglect, this dressing imparts renewed life to the scalp, so that the hair assumes again its original Fullness and Beauty. " Tor live years I was troubled with a ills ease of the scalp, which eaused the hair to lieeoine tmrsli ami ilry and to fall out m such large quantities as to threaten eompleic baldness. Ayer's Hair Vigor being .Uringly recommended to me, I began to apply tins preparation, and before tlve first bottle was used the hair eeased falling out and tin) scalp was restored to Ks former healthy con dition." Francis A.Vedo, Slko, l'a. "A little more than two years ago my hair began turning gray and growing thin. Alter using one buttle of Ayer's Hair Vigor my hair was restored to its original color and has eeased falling out. An occasional ap plication keeps the hair in good condition.' Mrs. II. V. lViiwiek, Wgby, N. S. "Ayer's Hair Vigor Is the most satisfactory preparation of its kind in the market." M. V. Pluck, Druggist, New t'orwlu, Dhlo. Ayer's Hair Vigor, Preiaied bj DR. J. C. AYER & CO., Lowell, Mara Sold tj all Druggists and Perfumers. If the Ladies AVould abandon faee powders ami more generally keep their blood pure and vig. roun by the ..ae of Ayer's Sarsaparilla, naturally fair complexions would be the rule instead of the exception, l'ure blood is the best bcautifler. " My system i alt run down; my skin rough nd of a yellowish hue. 1 tried various reme dies, and -viille some of them gave mo tempo rary relief, none of them did any permanent good. At last I began to take Ayer's Sarsnpa rllla. continuing it exclusively for a consider able time, and am pleased to say that It com pletely cured me." Mrs. N. A. Smith, Ulovcr, Vt. Ayer's Sarsaparilla, Prepared by Dr. J. C. Ayer & Co., Lowell, Mass. Sold by all Druggists. Has Cured Others, Will Cure You. 1 UU1 G A U W OOD'STS XTii ACT," NAVE'S TRIPLE, VIOLET WATER, WOODWORTIl's FLORIDA WA TER, AND SAPIIKT POWDER. ACCURACY! ft OS w q 'A O 4) T3 a 3 o 3 rs as u o a PURITY! Mag iirauii 1'repared Paints. Pure H'bite Lead & Linseed oil. I'll sell paints at a very small rnnrgin. Vooiton's Patent Wire Tobacco Hangers CAN BE U3SD IN ANY BARN. rw. Jl1 ro.iruMlov'bLe- Tobcr f n, be properly Ppaccd na Stlek and Bulked Down on the Wire when cured. Simplest, Cheapest and Best in the Market. PU1CES, when h Accompanies tbe Order I 100 Mirk Complete 7 Wire to Stick) 3 OO 1,000 Wire o Mirk.) .!;.....;......"!;!;..!."..."' "ioo .AA ... , . pricks ON TI.TIKi 100 fttlrka Complete a . 1,000 Wire. (o Mirk.) i!."!"";. "'""1 4 so lia.kel., per frozen. jjjj humpie Mick and Wire for s C'enta. IV Treatise on Tobacco Culture and Curing FRKK. AGENTS WANTED. TOBACCO HANGER M'F'G CO., Houston, Halifax Co., Va. apr 2 fmi 1. J. WATCHMAKER Littleton, Makes aspecialty of repairing fine WATCHES aDd CLOCKS. Fitting spectacles and eye glasses. -Cash paid for old gold and silver. arSlib " I have used Ayer's Hair Vigor with preiit benefit and know several other persons, be tween 40 and 50 years of age. who have ex-, pciienoed similar good results from the usu of this preparation. It restores gray hair to its original color, promotes a new growth, gives lustre to the hail, and cleanses the sealp of dandruff." llernard Hoey, Madrid, Maine. " I have been using Ayer's Ilalr Vigor with great satisfaction for more than twelve years. It keeps the scalp free from dandruff, re stores gray hair to its natural color, and pre. vents the hair from falling out. My experi ence Is that there is no lii'tt.T dressing than Ayer's llalr Vigor." Mrs. John A. Uray, Walpole, Mass. "We si'll more of Ayer's Hair Vigor than of any other hair preparation." liraymaiin Si Kchultze, Scliuleiiburgh, Texas. " being troubled with an unpleasant discolora tion of the skin especially of the face and being advised by physicians that this trouble was due mainly to derangement of the liver. I took Ayer's Harsaparllla.and have been greatly benefited. It has reached my case and done me more good than any other remedy." Joseph Clagctt, 118 Tenth St., N. W, Washington, U. U. D New Line of STATIONERY; Just Received 150 Linen writing Tablets, which I'll sell at a small PKOFIT. ft o w 9 A Large Stock of- LANDREPH'S 1 il GARDEN SEED, and JEWELER, North Carolina, A nice line of WATCHES, CLOCKS, AND JEWELRY, Always on hand for sale CHEAP. Watches sent rae by mail will be carefully repaired and promptly returned. . iiUkili rite ML Ifirta-.i- "'ftSiA-fcSrfiiiii -, m com, ADVERTISEMENTS. DO YOU KNOW That you can have your eyes tested ac curately, and fitted with glasses by a practical optician at YOUNG'S JEWELRY STORE. The finest set of test lenses in theetatc, and there will be no charge for testing your sight. More eyes ate ruined by glasses sold by incompetent persons than any other cause. Therefore, we advise you to be careful with your sight, and have jour eyes examined by a COMPETENT OPTIC'AN Silver poods for bridal presents, dia monds of the finest quality, watches' in gold and silver cases, clocks of the best makers and good timers, gold thimbles and Christmas goods, gold headed canes and plain gold rings, opera glasses and fancy hair pins, and of the latest styles of goods, at the LOWEST POSSIBLE PRICES. J. W. YOUNC, Co Syca. & Rank Sts. Petersburg, Va, oct lv Amir tlttln fort tin liar lirrn marl'iu work for na, hy Amu Pip. Auctln, 1 i f aitfl Jnti, llonn, i itio, wma se cut. titlieraurf doinif mwI1. Why Imuiith. Vdu can rio the work and IWt vim; Kimio -ni OTr f uv.ut ' ffium'ra arc fllv araintr from 1 1 1 IOailT, AD agra. Waahow you how and atari vmt. Curt work fn Mri Unit ime,' n Krrvr4-rny are. Ktn b- or all ill' ihiif. niy mmiay fur woiti rra. I'allnrr unkiinwu mnunp lbm. NKW and wonderful. Varttrulai frfc. n.llulleUaV 'n.,lttx MHO I'urHiand, M ln ran baearnnt at our Mi tin tf wrk, t:Mr uii'l hxuwrablv. bv lliowi of thtuT (f i, i euiif or old, anrl t thftr on n loralitiea,whrufr ' Af Mir cnii tin the uoik. Kuav In )-aru. Wo furniah aterythina;. Wa atari jrti. No rralt. Yuu in tUioia your aiurt in urn ) 'a, r nil yuiir lima to tbo work. 1 his ia an rntirvly naw lratj,aml l.rinpa uoniirrfttl huccm lTfrrT worka. ftra;murt ar artiinff from f2i to 4i0 per weak and upward, and titor after llttl cjmrlen. We run furnish yon tba ein- filvymfiit am! tt-nch y- u t ltiK. No apart) to ripl'ln Aarv. Kult nfcreiatioa. I'llaiK. I'ltl'E Jt CO., AltrlbTA, JaAlAl f ftVMft.rfl a yrar h Mng tnaJa hr John R (inijiln In, I my. VY.,tir w oik li it. Ixarler, m n.m iwt n.aka iniirh, bill wa can lrU y uu k !y Iiw Iu arn fom to f 10 a tay at the nan, and nnia vow to i. ll.-ili !. all aa. In nay part of inrnt-it. vnu ran cntimi'Ho al ma, r- m( all your itmr.nr ert nioniruu omIi ta Ilia work. Ail la lit, t.rtnl fay Hi Kk fir rt wurkar. Wm atart vnti, ruriifahinf aiyihln;. KASII V, St'tr.ldl t ltarnrtl. I'Altril Ll.AKS VHV.K. AaldfvM mi ouca, HinSOX k 10., JOKTUMI, JUlMt. 0 MY STOCK OF -0 s priii jf And Is arriving, nrl I will display the Hnest lino nl (roods ever shown In this town. Come and see NEW STYLES. COME AND SELECT THE NEW- i EST NOVE'lTIES. MRS. P.k. LEWIS, Veldon, N. C. oct 4 1 j 1891. ZlTHEr: 1891 NEW YORK WEEKLY HERALD AT ONE DOLLAR PER YEAR. Is the best and cheapest fan, My paper in me uaiiea states. NOW 13 THE TIME TO SrBSORIBK NOW IS TIM TIME TO BUBHCBIBK: Many novelties will be added to tho va- uuiy vi un lumt uts aunng tne year 1891, and nothing will be left un done to please and gratify its sub dcribers. i Its specialties for 1891 will be Oripioal articles on practical farming and bnrdeninp. bcnals and chort stories by the bept authors. Woman's work and woman's leisure. Gems of literature and art. Oripinal flashes of wit and humor. Answers to correspondents promptly and fully made. TnE LATEST NEWS FROM EVERY SECTION -:- OF -:- Til E -:-GLOBE Address: JAMES GORDON BENNETT N. Y. HEKALD, New York City. Do not fail to subscribe for tbe New York Weekly Herald. Only one dollar year. t mA I inery -Summer Millinery. NEW ADVERTISEMENTS. STOl" AT i -:- Hi HALIFAZ IT. C! CLEAN ROOMS. SPLENDID TABLE POLITE SERVANTS. Fare always the best the markets cau lif : ford. SERVICE NEAT AND PROMPT. HaTNEAR THE COURT HOUSE. Baggage taken from and to the railroad station. NICE ACCOMMODATIONS FOR -:- LAJDIES. KATES $2.00 A DAY. Special arrangements for hoard by the week or month. R. G. REID, Proprietor. mar 20 tf. LAND SALE. VALUABLE FARMS FOR SALE IN- HAMFAX COUNTY, N. C: 0 NE FARM CONTAING 534 ACRES fi liorse Cron clpnrpfl. rmrul nnurnr o 1 never failing stream, apple and peach or chard, good dwelling and necessary out houses. PKICE $2,000. 0 NE TRACT OF 200 ACRES, ONE horse crop cleared, most of tbe other in flue growth of pines; good dwelling and out houses. PKICE $1,000. 0 NE TRACT OF 83 ACRES, ONE horse crop cleared, the balance in heavy growth of original pines. PKICE $400.00. 0 NE TRACT OF 314 ACRES, TWO horse crop cleared, the balance in fine growth of oak and pine. Pit ICE $1,000. 0 NE TRACT OF 489 ACRES, 3 HORSE crop cleared; good dwelling and all necessary out-houses. PRICE $2,000. 0 N E TRACT OF 850 ACRES, FIVE horse crop cleared; good dwelline and out-houses, PKICE $2,600. These farms are convenient to churches, iu a heaitby locality, and a short distance from Halifax and Enfield. Parties wishing to buy and want to EXAMINE :-! TIIESE-:-LANDS Will call on MR. THOMAS OUSBY, Hen demon, N. C, or MR. T. C. BURGESS, who lires near Halifax, who will takepleas nre in showing them to purchasers. Any or all of these lands will be RENTED ON REASONABLE TERMS FOR 1890. B-F-QARY, an 30 tt. Teldo, N. C. Son
Roanoke News (Weldon, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
Sept. 17, 1891, edition 1
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