North Carolina Newspapers

CLUB RATES. -. Tcarry Su&scripifo&s In Clubs of Five, 75 cents. - : . issued bi-weekly; J SINGLE SUBSCRIPTIONS. 30 CENTS A YEAR. $ i'l- 8" i & C"!"!"!1 & 4 C" C-S1 VOL. XV. MORAVIAN FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA, THURSDAY, OCT. 14, 1909. NO. 21. i : - r 1 TOBE SPILEINS. Boney Farks, fwhitch i? in the Stait uv Arkansawl) JYir. HiUitci . x i-u. iv uiuuxci-iuntLW tu the Baptist Church I married a Baptist and they always told me that if a feller onct got religinjin hi 11 good and deep it would stay thare. "Well, I haint a goin' to enter into any religus discushen on that pint, b it what I wanted to sa wuz, that if a man gits Democracy into him, e 3 pecially if it goze under the skin, and hit usually duz, he can't J hardly git rid uv it. It don't maik enny dif fenents what a demokrat believes, or what he duz, hiz democracy hangs tu him like the pits on the face uvja recovered small-pox pashent. Ytet I am told by democrats, or what wuz democrats, whoo hav been kured uv the disease, that they feel nearly az good over it az ennybodby duz when they git religin at a summer camp meeting. I wunst heerd a j nigger preach the funeral (it is one j uv t I'e weaknesses uv a democrat to want tjo attend a nigger funeral) , uv one iv hiz kullered brethren. He sed: f "Deer brethren and sisterin, ve dun cum heah tu pay our last sad 'spects tu de ballance ob .what re mains ob our deerly b'lubbed brud der, Uncle Mose Skeeterbank. Dis here piece ob cold clay What am (a layin' in de coffin dat am settin on dem peece ob fence rales, haint Uncle Mose enny moah dan . dat poker Jim Uncle Mose. De good Lawd s ed onst on a time, when he dun got mad erbout sump'n dat we wuz all made outen dirt, and dat we would all turn tu dirt. Bredderin, dis mortal re manes dat we can see, and smell, and touch, in dat ere koffin, am de durt part uv Uncle Mose. De udder part am dun gone tu Heb'm, whar dey 1 ab grate big pieces ob ham, and rig bowls uv red gravy tu put on he h m, and de angels sing and ete and 3te and ete, and de good Lawd he pays de bills, and ebry. day iz Sunday, and dey hab picknicks ebry 1 Sunday. Deer bredderin, let de ontimely tal in' off ob dis deer brudder be a ,'cour ig in' lesson tu us. We can't spect i ny ob us tu be puff ect. When dis d 3er brudder wuz wid us in de flesh he sumtimes had a fight, and, bress de Lawd, he nearly alwaze licked hiz inimy. Sumtimes he would swj.re, often he would git drunk, land hit has been sed dat he wood fcasiohly 'proprigate a chicken what I did hot 'long tu him, but, deer bredderin and sisterin, let us thank de Lawd he nebber lost his 'ligion." j I Mr. Editer, . that sermon wuz bl a dad-gummed nigger, but thar iz moar democracy in it than I ever heerecL in enny political speech. In Kentucky tha hav the Gobul law and can elekt ennybody tha pleas, voats ur jno voats. Haint that democracy so hng as the democrats git the office? iln Missippy tha wont let a nigger voat unless he voats the democratic t ck et. Haint that democracy with a big D? In Alabammy tha let the nigger voat and then tha kount hiz voat fer the democratic ticket. Duz ennyt ody pretend that that haint democratic enough? In Georgy tha voat ded nig gers for democratic candidates Whoo sez that haint democratic the extreem? In Arkansaw tha the nigger voat without fear or hen-1 drance, jist as he pleases, and then kount hiz voat whare it will do the ac- most good for them. Izent that cordin tu the natural order uv things -assertin' our superiority over the blacks and democratic tu the kbre? Down in North Caroliny they take the short cut Snd the shot j gun land git thare a good, deel quicker, but az nun but democrats do it can enny body rase enny doubts about it pein' genuine, rock-ribbed democracy?! If tha do, let them speak or forte ve.r after hold ther tung. Km enny man dout, duz enny man dout, that what iz dun in the name uv democracy, - iz democracy? i j Mister Editor, it gives me the stum a kflkp. tn heer these fellers like Brian talk about Thomas Jeff er sun When Jefferson wuz a livin' ne wuz makin' uv a government, but now we've dun got it made, and the dneef end uv democracy iz to git the omces Duz ennybody pretend tu sa that it takps thp ssnifi kind uv tools tu maik holes that it duz tu maik pins til. go into tha -holes? .Teffersun wuz malk- iii' holes in his day. What iz duty uv modern democracy? Tu pins in these holes, of course. Jeffer sim woodflnt. mind fillin' one uvl I'em himself if he wuz here. i Kin republikans and dad-dratted niggers fill these holes? No, a thou sand times, no. These holes are of demokrats. tv demokrats i and ; fer demokrats. Then what's the use tu rase a racket, about how we got the pins into the holes? - i Mister Editer, we had just as Well meet the situation furst as last. If we don't git a hump on ourselves, and sum moar Red-Shirts and Gobel laws, our name is Dennis-in-theTmud. On& of the greatest draw-backs tu the democratic party is, thare is a tew onest men left in it. a used tu suffer frum that disease Jm'iself J ! and I know. And I did suffer. - Three times I lost the Sheruffs off is pecgs I wuzia onest: democrat. ;?i Whenever a democrat maiks up his mind tu be JIOTHasrfr -frTia faz ntr liter" fzt?.I hd had 1 " 5ust as well go out at o&ct and1! buy him a mule tu plow cotton 1 and korn, act ne Ksuit De elected wi onus, x 'let oncehurd the Guvner uv Arkansaw sa, when he started out in his cam pain, that he had been lying for the democratic party for ten years, but now he was a goin tu tell the truth. And the good onest fellows believed it and thought he did, but he lied wurse than ever. And what is moar, he carried every country in - the State but one. Now, Mister Editer, I'm gitting along towards sixty years old. I tried tu. be onest, and onct cum near pinin the Populists, but mi innard democracy kept me from it. At another time I thot seeriously uv jinin' the republicans, but the smell uv a nigger soon chased away that inklination. I'm a rock-ribbed dem ocrat. I haint got enny faith or creed or ennything uv 'the kind. A demo crat don't need enny f aithi He goes bi site and smell. What he needs is tenacity tu kling tu the I maim, no matter what it means or what you air asded tu do. The ultimatum iz the offises. The democrat whoo duzent kno this has not reached the high ground uv cold facts. He iz still plowin in the bottom field uv blissful expectashun. But he iz useful az a voter. His happy imagination and his cheerful throte lends enthusiasm tu the campane. His delightful pay- tnotic willingness tu foller a brass band and carry a torch-lite contrib utes to the spectacular features uv every great democratic occasion. He asks for nothing and gets less. If he gits a drink uv. red licker he kon- siders that he iz that much ahead. If he gits a oppertunity tu shute a nigger he ranks hisself as a hero. If he voats moar than onct he thinks he ort tu have another drink, but he don t sulk in his tent if he don't git it. He goze and voats again. But he gmerally gits it the drink. If he iz allowd tu count the voats he leaves his conshuns ; at ; home and does his duty like a man a demo crat man. He is an expert in adV dishun, subtrackshun and multipli- cashun, but he don't kno a lick about divishun. He yells and hollers dur ing the campains, and cusses between times. But he alwaze cums up to the rack, fodder or no fodder, and goes thru the, moshun uv eatin'. Thare is nuthin' in all the world that can compare with his sweet, inno cent trust in the promises made him by the democratic kandidates whoo kno which side uv the bred the butter is on. Shootin' niggers, stuffin' bal lot boxes, countin' ded men's voats andsich like, is fun fer him when it is called democratic. And this is why Southern democracy wins and Northern democracy loses. But, Mis ter Editer, we've got these tenets transplanted in Northern soil and they air thrivin' thare, and we don't want Willyum Jinnings Brian to be sowing tares among them before the leven has time tu work and spread. It may reach his town yet and elect him ; who knows ? When the old thing is loaded to the muzzle it kuts sum mighty queer' kapers, no matter how the voats air polled. Yours trooly, TOBE SPILKINS JEFFERSON. All the Democrats these days are talking about being Jeffersonian Democrats. Billiam Hearst is a Jeffersonian Democrat. Billy Bryan is a Jeffersonian Dem ocrat. Judge Parker, of Esopus, wanted to be a Jeffersonian Democrat. Tattooed Bailey, of Texas, is a Jef fersonian Democrat. Ben Tillman is a Jeffersonian Dem ocrat And drat our hide if all the Demo crats are not talking about being like Jefferson and all of them are differ ent. Did you ever see a Democrat who wasn't -a Jefferson Democrat? If you did, and you recall his post office address, ish you would send it to us. " We never print pictures but we'd get one of 'him and we'd have it framed in pure gold and give it to all readers of the paper. And yet no one of these bellower ers and belly-achers whom we have mentioned resemble Jefferson in any way. Jefferson was a statesman, and these little dinkey Ikes are make be lieves. S ! old lady appeared in church on Snndav with an ear trumpet. H nresence seemed to worry one ot tie ushers who had never 1 seen one of thPfip. instruments before. Being a Scotchman he apparently came to the conclusion, at last, that something might happen unbecoming to the sanctuary, so he tip-toed up to tne old lady arid in a loud voice an nounced, "one tootand you're out." It is related by the Salina (Kan.) Journal, that two ragged specimens shivered complainingly under- the water-tank at Fort Scott, waiting for thfl smith-bound freight. "I "wasn't always this way" grumbled one; "I used to be a proofreader." "The hell you did," replied , the other. "I used tn ho a linotype operator." 1 And the 1 noiiceman who, separated them.fcaid j it was the "wickedest scrap he lever h - aw. ' -v The only thing that Bryan stands for m tne uemuaauu yam iiuiiiiAia.w.wA. . hi Here's Oar Greed: "We will speak out; we will be heard, J Though all earth's systems crack; We will not bate a single word Nor take a letter back. "We speak the truth and what care we For. hissing and for scorn, While some faint gleanings we can see Of freedom's coming morn? "Let liars fear, let cowards shrink, Let traitors turn away; Whatever we have dared to think That dared we also say." This is The Yellow Jacket, the only thing of its kind published on earth. Its temperature is 200 in the shade. It preaches Republican- gospel so straight that every issue brings many old moss-back Democrat, to the mourner's bench in a trot. It "gits 'em goin' and comin'." .; It retails to Democrats, Republi cans and Socialists at 30 cents a year and circulates over all the United States. If you don't like it you don't have to take it. If you do like it you are hereby invited to subscribe to-day. The Yellow Jacket has passed the teeth-cutting stage. It is now over 13 years old and getting older every two weeks. There are no life-insurance feat ures connected with it. You merely pay your 30 cents and take it whether you like it or not. Then you will take it again. You always get what you pay for; then the paper stops. We treat all our subscribers this way, even the President of" the United States. 1 On The Yellow Jacket don't crawl be hind a tree to talk. It don't bust its crupper holding back to first see what somebody else is going to say. It has no "ax" to grind. Everybody in the United States ought to take The Yellow Jacket. All Republicans ought to take it be cause it is helping to fight their po litical battles. Every Democrat should take it to keep track of the rascality and devil ment of his party. Every Populist should take it be cause1 it points out the only way to his political salvation. Every howling Socialist should take it because it will point out to him the absurdity of his wild-eyed, wind broken, womper-jawed, stringy-tailed, seed-ticky, diabolical dreamy delu$ sions. m 1 mm And everybody else ought to take it becai Fuh, because each issue will be chuck full sloshing over with Originality, Sarcasm and Logical Reasoning. When -you read this copy pass it along to your neighbor, if you love one another; and if you don't make a bulff anyway, and try it. The politics of The Yellow Jacket in the future, as in the past, will be Republican. However, we belong to no man and shall reserve the right to be as independent as a hog on ice on all matters that come up for public consideration. The editor may not be making The Yellow Jacket quite "rip-snorting"' enough to please you owing to our having so much, other work on hand, but, beloved, bear with us till corn is cribbed and we'll then try to warm up to our subject and give you some of the pure stuph stuph with the stinger in it. Tell all your neighbors about us and get 'em in line for the fun. Eli. Tucker will continue to be a correspondent. Some of his letters will be worth the price of the paper for a year. And vou can't afford to -miss those "Ietters from the Devil" and "Demo- atic prayers" which will be a spe cial feature of The Yellow Jacket. It takes" great strings of words and some money to run The Yellow Jack et. You help scare up the "chink" and we will endeavor to furnish the "chat." If you receive a copy of The Yellow Jacket it is an invitation to subscribe. You will get more fun and derive more information for 30 cents than in any other way youould spend it. If you can use a few sample copies drop us a card. i " The more Y. Js you circulate the more votes you make for the G. O. P. Now, we want to ask you to send us a 30-cent subscription to this pa per gend ns-a club i yon can We:!want - to also5 ' asE you to send along a list of your neighbors whom you think might subscribe. v I This is asking a good deal of you, I Isn't it? Well, ask something of us. This Republicans, Democrats, So cialists, White Men, Black Men and Indians-- Lis The Club Price of The Yellow Jack et is Now Reduced to 15 Cents a Year in Clubs of Five or More, v Kenewals received the same as Jieir Subscribers. JTo stamps taken This offer stands till Christmas. Improved machinery, and the advan tages of a growing subscription list enable us to make this low price. Now we want to see, not some, but every blessed subscriber to this paper, waltz up a club of five anyway and do it now. We want a million on our list and we wTant 'em bad. You know it will be no trouble to get up five subs for 75 cents. Try it Begin to-day.. Clean up your neigh borhood. Go into the highways and hedges, and don't forget those deluded Democrats. Round 'em up. Remember the rates 75 cents for a club of 5. So let 'em roll. Altogether for a Million. DEMOCRATIC PRAYER, Mighty Heap Wonderful William Jennings Bryan Great Issue Hatch er and Paramount Maker: Listen to us a minutLAstcrttp the salty sup plicationsr'of a batehA of thy bandy legged legion. Honprable Master, we arein adfeet terrible fix. We are all nugxed up and still a mixing. Come O, mosaniglrpPHrunner, stretch out thy fatherly hand and haul us m out of the wet and sleet of political despair. Our hands and feet-are cold. Our backs are almost naked, and our bellies are in a measure empty, all from standing out here in the mud arAl sleet of Democratic discord. - Blessed Billy, we candidly confess that we have been running after too many political advisers. We have hearkened to so many calls and run in so many directions that our feet are sore and our legs are wabbly. We come now asking thee to teach us the way to run. We humbly be seech thee to mark out the road. Thou knowest we have been wander ers. Our policy was to get in. The thing that appealed strongest to us was the issue that would enable us to stir up the greatest excitement and cause the most noise to be made. But we learned to our sorrow that noise would not always win. We learned to our hurt that excitement would not always last. We discover ed that folks demand something be sides hot air. We used to have everything our way in the South when we hollowed "nigger." We could elect members to the legisla ture with that battle cry. We could put a Democrat in the governor's chair with that slogan. With it we could send members to Congress. But the voters won't rally at this cry any more. We have got to talk sense or our name is Dennis. What are we to do? It seems that the G. O. P. elephant has the Demo cratic donkey "by the tail and a down hill pull. We are the worst con fused set of sand lizzards that you ever saw. Some of us have been trying to follow Bailey. We thought he was coming it. - But, lo, and be hold, we heard from thee and all was wrong. We discovered, to our sur prise, that Bailey was preaching Re publican gospel. As- soon as thou saidest that Bailey was wrong, we turned a somersault. We lit on our feet running . toward thee. We are now at thy feet. We ask thee to kick us for presuming to think that Joe Bailey had any1 sense. We couldn't afford to go after Bailey, no way, because we- expect to be ready to fall down' and worship thee as our candidate for President in 1912. Master Bryan, we want to get right down on our all fours and have thee kick us good for daring to lis ten to Bailey's foolishness and Re publicanism. We know it is wrong to get our minds poisoned up with Protection doctrine. We know it is such stuff as that that leads many of our . boys off into the Republican camp. Now, Worshipful Master, tell us what thou wilt have us do. Stick out thy little toe that we may kiss it in token of our great love for thee. We are ready to do thy bidding. Hew out a tariff platform and atch us crawl on it. Don't ask us what we want. Just block out what suits thy pleasure and it will be all right with us. If we grumble, thump 'us on .the conclusions for daring to " have any discretion. Worthy Boss, we confess that we havQ been a wicked and perverse A tern! party. We "have done all sorts ot dark and dirty deeds. We have call-" ed the Republicans all sorts ' of ugly names. We have howled down their speakers and pelted them with stale eggs. We are willing to do these things again if it will land us on the pie wagon. - ' We are willingr to be anything or do any way for pie. We'll fuse with the Pops, swallow the Socialists, steal the vote from the Republicans, or allow the nigger to vote again if it will but assure us of a place at the Federal pie counter. Most excellent CJhief, thou knowest nothing about how it is to live on hope.. Thou hast always been tak ing in the sheckles from gate receipts and hast been waxing fatter and fat ter, while we poor devils have been growing poor as Job's turkey. It made no difference to thee if thy hopes were blasted, thy purse swell ed bigger and bigger. So we con-, eluded to make one more plea. We concluded to stand by thy magic name one more time and give thee one chance more to lead us out of this pickle. Name thy platform: "Paramount," the plank - that thou wilt have as a whip-cracker and we'll try to .do the rest. We'll stand by thee another time. We'll yell our fool selves hoarse just once more for thy sake, and most matchless oracle, if thy efforts and popularity fails to land us onto the pie wagon this time, then so far as we are concerned, thou canst go to the Devil, for we'll swear by all that is dear to a Democrat, that we'll never follow after the' again. -Amen. Old John D. . Rockefeller says: "I regard it as a good thing to keep liquor away from the negroes and the lower class of whites." John also believes in wate4ng the oil he sells to both blacks and whites till it smokes like a tar kln and smells like a fish store. But when the devil gets his dues and old John lifts up his eyes in the dazzling flames of hell, he will learn after it is everlastingly too late, that the million dollars- he gave to the prohibition cause won't extenuate for the water in the oil. Those who oppose good roads, good schools and everything else that is progressive, are direct descendants of those men who told George Steph enson, the inventor of the locomotive, that "life will be ruined if passage over the earth is made at a- greater than eight miles an hour." An intoxicated husband came intd" his house one night as the clock was ' striking three. His wife, waiting for him, asked the causo of his staying out so late. He said: "It isn't late," and looking at his watch told her it was only a quarter of twelve. In a harsh tone- she replied, "It's three o'clock." His reply was: "Well, isn't three a quarter of twelve?" "Why do women marry?" inquires the Baltimore American. "Usually because men ask them. Give us a harder one," says the New York Her ald. "All right! Why do men ask them?" Washington Herald. Pos sibly because of man's wonderful self-assurance. Agusta Chronicle. Who ever heard of a newly married couple living on self-assurance? -An old -Quaker not careful of the teachings'? of hik faiths was discovered by . his wife kissing the cook behind the door.' But' the Quaker was not disturbed. "Wife," said he gently, "If thee doesn't quit thy peeping thea will make trouble in the family.