Tryon Daily Bulletin, Thurs, Apr. 16 1992 take . ni0 considcra tion
were the stern demands oi
How Can He
Get Away From
'Serious' Writing
by John Bergman
You have to understand that
for nearly 30 years I did some
pretty serious business writing.
In one shareholder report, it
fell to me to explain why the
company's accounting system
was being changed from LIFO
(last-in-first-out) to FIFO
(first-in-first-out), or maybe it
was the other way around, in
language so clear that Aunt
Bessie wouldn't raise the ques
tion at the Annual Meeting. I
wrote the copy, but don't ask
me to explain it.
Another time, I didn't get to
bed at all that night as I put the
finishing touches to the busi
ness plan presentation that was
to kick off a two day meeting
the next morning. I dozed off
along about chart 35.
In another part of my job, I
sometimes wrote speeches for
other people on subjects rang
ing from the binary relation
ships of infrared spectroscopy
to the purchasing manager's
thoughts as to how the costs of
raw materials would interact
with next year's consumer
spending trends.
And you think you had prob
lems.
Then one agonizing after
noon, when I was at the very
height of my creative writing
prowess, I spent two laborious
hours haggling over the words
in a press release with my com
pany president. What survived
that interesting session was
three short paragraphs of abso
lutely meaningless copy.
Then I retired, knowing,
blessedly, that in my new life I
would never again have to do
any serious writing on impossi
bly tight deadlines. But what I
^ X or the neighbor-
hood association newsletter and
it has to be mailed TODAY,
my wife tells me, tossing a tat
tered envelope of scribbled
notes my way.
At first thought the task seems
beyond me, but then I dug down
deep inside, hoping that my
life's experiences would some
how enable me to cope with this
latest crisis. And it did, we
made our deadline and those
lucky newsletter readers read all
about their new tennis court
regulations, next month's work
day, and the children's cookie
party. Mighty serious stuff I
was dealing with.
Then, I was given my next
assignment. In not more than
two hours, I was told to have at
church a crucial item for the
bulletin that, at that very
moment, was going to press.
How did I do it? It was a
miracle at work.
Next, I was summoned before
my management and ordered to
write a skit that was to go into
rehearsal in two days. Again,
the task seemed impossible, but
I took it on:
MASTER OF CEREMO
NIES: Many of our northern
friends are disappointed in life
as they find it in this part of
heaven.
NORTHERNER: It is OK
here, but back home, the shop
ping, restaurants, and fishing
are all better, the... (interrupt)
SOUTHERNER: Well, we
sure would hate to see you all
leave, but why don't you just go
back to where you came from?
NORTHERNER: Are you
kidding, I HATED it there...
Anyone like to buy a used snow
shovel?
Alright, so it's not Neil
Simon, but he doesn't have my
pressures, and will iney
end? , minutes of last
month's meeting and they^
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Part of the rewards of carefree
living in Tryon's most prestigious
townhouse development.
euess who, smiles sweetly as
she hands me some more of her
scribbles that I am instructed to
translate into cogently reported,
beautifully typed copy.
At least at work I could close
m y door and curse the manage
ment.
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