Newspapers / Winston-Salem Chronicle (Winston-Salem, N.C.) / Oct. 30, 1986, edition 1 / Page 17
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Black wome Hmfen are three times as likely as I black women to marry someone H otanother race. .Another, more radical solution is ^4man-sharing" (see related arI tide on page A2). I /What black women shouldn't I dQj Mrs. Williams said, is despair. I "Before seeking any relationship, black women need to defme I themselves, she said. "That's one thing I urge peo pie to do, particularly women," she said. "Women might find a I relationship if they are more in terestea in working on ... being the best person they can, so they can give much in a relationship. . 4'Relationships are real important, especially to women," Mrs. Williams said. But having a man and being happy, she warned, do not necessarily go hand in hand. "Before divorce and before the single life were acceptable, women were more likely to reihain in abusive situations,'* she said. \ i Something to consider I I ! Difficulty in finding suitable plates seems especially prevalent ^mong professional women, who 6ften look for men with comparable educations and salaries. | There just aren't enough such men to go around. ; For instance, roughly 60 percent of the blacks who have MBA degrees are women. Some professional women, therefore, may have to lower their expectations, which may mean cross-class relationships ?with blue-collar workers whose income is less than theirs. * Carolyn Green, a marketing i executive at R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co., said black women Should definitely consider dating men of other classes. ; "There are guys who are pretty sharp and don't have a college dggree," she said. "There are g?od qualities in those guys, tfjo." s Making adjustments ?4 1 But cross-class relationships t^ke adjustments, by both women and men. ' "Some black men in relationships where women make more Aoney have problems with that," Sirs. Williams said. Problems May arise from the perception spme black men have that they i&ould be the breadwinners, she fl&id. ~ Zeus Johnson, 22, would consider a woman whose salary is $gher, but he still would insist on jfeying for dates. k radical al yZ fVomen shai fey HENRY DUVALL fecial To The Chronicle > ; In 1982 Audrey B. Chapman, a toward University family therapist, began to wonder Whether the phenomenon of S^merican women sharing men 3ftith other women was becoming .4 growing reality. ? She had been hearing stories for several years about married ?nd single women - black and .White - who were facing this ^ilemma. Many of the unwitting Victims thought that they had ane-on-one relationships. ? Then one day a dejected ^8-year-old single woman walked tlnto the Howard University Counseling Service so distraught Sfliat she was on the verge of committing suicide. "For me, this Zwas a major turning point/' Ms. 2$?hapman recalls. ? The young woman's cry for help prompted the therapist to paunch a "man-sharing" ^workshop in 1983 to find out how Widespread and extensive these Relationships were. More than J00 women, representing a diversity of ethnic groups, showed up. ij Now the nationally known i * ml From Page A1 "If I date a woman who makes more money than me, then I I make sure she's not paying/'said < Johnson, a dishwasher at a local i restaurant. "I was brought up in i the fashion that if you want to be a man and call yourself a man, even though.you might not be able to do it financially, you give it your best shot." i However, one 26-year-old, I who wanted to be referred to only l as Charles C.( feels differently. I "I have no problems with her i being the breadwinner because i I'll be working, too," said the man, who is an orderly at a local 1 nursing facility. "It wouldn't i bother me, but it bothers a whole lot of them (men). I'm a man of the '80s. It would make me work 1 harder to better myself." 1 Going below the surface Communication and openness are important in cross-class relationships, Mrs. Williams said; couples must get past the superficial. 'They also have to realize that what they're looking for and what they're living with may be totally different/' she said. Rosalyn Wagner, a financial . analyst at RJR Nabisco Inc., agrees. "Many guys feel professional black women are too independent and self-sufficient," said Miss Wagner, who is single and earned her MBA degree from the University of Wisconsin. "Many black men feel they are not needed by black women." Annette Beatty, a single ? elementary school teacher, said ? women need to look at who a man is and not what he does. "Sometimes women's expectations of men are unrealistic and misguided," she said. "They're cutting themselves short, and it's their own fault." But a local computer specialist feels she has realistic expectations . "I just want someone who's down-to-earth," she said. Great expectations But high expectations may not be such a bad idea, said the Rev. - Carlton A.G. Eversley, pastor of Dellabrook Presbyterian Church. "1 think high expectations are good," he said. "But women need to be clear about what they want. Many times men feel that they get mixed messages about what women really want." But whatever women want, they shouldn't take just anyone who comes along, Eversley said. tentative: ring men Sharing: Dilemma or Choice,** published by William Morrow and Co. It grew out of Chapman's finding that man-sharing is a national . phenomenon, partly 4 because of a shortage of eligible men, declining commitments to lasting relationships and the fear of intimacy between the sexes, she indicates. "Not all women are going to have mates, not even if every available man were willing to commit himself,'* Ms. Chapman notes in the book. "... If each of them stood up and asked for one all to herself, one-quarter would be left standing - as if in the adult version of musical chairs." "Women in America need to ttM " r U a ^ ? WONC uy, ant ucvioica, puiuuiiK out that the book will "help women to face a reality that will reduce depression and enable them to take better care of themselves." Ms. Chapman, who claims she was a victim of man-sharing herself, proclaims in an interview, "I know what their pain is! I've been there." "This book is about selfempowerment for American women," she said at a recent Please see page A20 i IHIHIUIIIIIIIIIIIIilUIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIUIIKIIIIIIIIIIUIII "Even though the numbers are bad, women still need to be discriminating," he said. "The tendency is to think that any man is better than no man." Unpopular option Besides dating men of different races and classes, other options for single black women include focusing more on their careers to fill the void, pursuing short-term relationships and joining singles networks. Apparently, an earlier mentioned alternative, man-sharing, is not particularly popular here. "Personally, I don't likfe mansharing," Mrs. Williams said. "I know it happens, but I don't think it happens with everybody being honest with each other. I don't think this would be a good solution." ? 'I A/> 17/ip# i /ic jjuj( rr tridiuri oruriL'ri Library will sponsor a panel discussion on "Black MaleFemale Relationships in the. '80s" on Thursday, Nov. 13, at 7p.m. On the whole, said a WinstonSalem State University employee, black females don't believe in/ sharing their men. "From my time on up to now, we have never been a race of people to share," said the woman, who has been married 42 years. 4Three things you don't mess with: my money, my man and my meal." A better choice 9 An alternative that receives kinder local reviews is the singles network. Even some churches have gotten into the act and started singles ministries. The Rev* Wendell Johnson, pastor of First Baptist Church, ? VlAaHc enr>K O m inicfrll Itilti/ik u? uiuuj juv.li a million y , vriiiwii lit said serves as a fellowship support group for single people. Johnson said that women who attend the sessions are usually looking for emotional and spiritual stability ~ not men. "All are not looking for permanent mates," he said. "Most are very comfortable being single. The ones who have exmtm jj ' * l \ V ' i RUTLEDGE C EARN 1: CREDITS I Class CAL (919) I* illllHllilllllllttlllllflilllllllllllllllllllllllllillllliMIIIIII pressed an interest in looking for mates want someone who is compatible and emotionally and spiritually sound.** Most of the women in the ministry are professionals, Johnson said. He also said he foresees more and more singles ministries. "A lot of folks are saying, 4I want to be single,' " Johnson said. 41 And for the church to be effective, it has to reach out to singles as well as the total family." ^ An Ebony Affair is a local singles network. Founded in 1985 by Pat Degraffinreaidt of WinstonSalem, it helps singles to meet potential mates and professionals to meet new clients* Still other options for single women are to marry someone who is substantially younger or older, to choose a mate who has been married before, or to choose not to get'married at all. A long-term approach Eversley suggests another, mure long-term approacn 10 tne problem. 4 'Part of our job as black men is to redefine what manhood is," he said. 1 Eversley and a group of about 25 others hope to achieve this with a 1-year-old organization called "100 Black Men." Black men have to realize that they are responsible for the conditions in which they live, Eversley said, and that blaming whites for those problems only gives whites more power. You undo negative self-images with positive images, Eversley said. The group plans to take young black males on Saturday excursions, including visits to area black businesses. 44We will mainly just be with them and be honest with them," Eversley said. 44We will expose them to things they haven't seen. 44We will show them there are alternative lifestyles," he said. Eversley said the group also plans to incorporate a for-profit wing and become involved in profit-making ventures. In the meantime ... D..? ...L.i ?_ i-i ?i- ... -1 UUl Wild I call UlaLK. WUII1C11 UUI ^ Ji i a aI ^ i ^ -w^B x i mm OLLEQE MID TEI 2 COLLEG N SIX WEI s Start Soon L NOW! 725-8701 S # The Chronicle, Thurede - 1 in the meantime to help? Eversley said they can "lift up their black men," publicly and privately. In addition, black men who are married can reach out to single black women, he said. "It's important for us to be platonic, for us to reach out and develop some sense of companionship, so a woman who is single doesn't have to feel so alone even if she doesn't get the sexual part," he said. Meanwhile, the numbers mount. Not only is there a shortage of available black men, but middle-class blacks who do marry are having fewer babies than their lower-income counterparts, widening the economic gap. "The black middle class is not reproducing itself," said Walter Farrell, a communication education professor at the University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee. "Given the growing imbalance of ail Diack men to Diack women in general, and the professional imbalance in particular, blacks may be headed toward gender conflicts at a significant level in the 21st century." Crisis or transition? In the CBS documentary "The Vanishing Family: Crisis in Black America," host Bill Moyers predicted that, by the year 2000, 70 percent of all black children will be born to single parents. What does all of this mean for the black family? Can it survive yet another blow? Yes, say Mrs. Williams, Johnson and Eversley. "The black family is in crisis, so everybody says," Mrs. Williams said. "I don't necessarily know that that's true. I feel we're in transition." Yet, the transition may involve even fewer male role models in the home, among other psychological hurdles, she conceded. But the black family has survived before, Mrs. Williams said. And it'll survive again. Staff writers Robin Barksdale and John Hinton also contributed to this story. o Next week: An editorial reaction. xmm ' ^HL " v v ,; Mfl&i: IL*. v RLr aHfe s \ F f. 3v ^ >: v^SE?^ ^M ftAIJil --- wen imp you aim E and leave the decis EKS r> Rutl( 820^ P Winstoi I 0 I ly, October 30, 1986-Page A17 HOW I EVERY ONE KNOWS Now, not just your oil man knows, but you can know how much oil you have. GALLON GAUGE NOW AVAILABLE FOR ALL DOMESTIC FUEL OIL TANKS I ^ tH/* V??rV Cannot be purchased In retail outlets No mora checking your oil tank with a stick You know how much oil you have and how much you're using dally _ You know the amount ol oil you paid lor and the amount delivered Easily Installed, but can be installed by our professional staff For each Installation, we are offering 6 feet of free insulation for outside tanks $EAOO X INSTALLED (extra for Installation on underground tanks) We honor VISA & MASTERCHARGE If you wish to order, send check or money order to: HOLLMAC ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 748 Wlnston-Salem, NC 27102 Or Call (919) 764-5206 Mt. Airy ? (919) 786-8595 Serving the Oil Industry for Over 45 Years in North America, Europe, Middle East and Far East t I 1 JP 1 ver the questions... rions to you. edge College V. Fourth Street O. Box 3138 i-Salem, NC 27102 ;
Winston-Salem Chronicle (Winston-Salem, N.C.)
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Oct. 30, 1986, edition 1
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