Newspapers / Winston-Salem Chronicle (Winston-Salem, N.C.) / Nov. 2, 1995, edition 1 / Page 7
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i Winfrey: Black Women Tend to Modify Standards When Choosing Mates; Library Holds Seminar By JOHN HINTON Chronicle Senior Staff Writer j J African American women ofien musi modify their stan dards when choosing a mate be :ause of the acute shortage of bl ick males, a psychologist told a >articipants in a recent semi nsr on black male and female re ationships. "We say, 'He's a nice guy. Hii didn't jbeat me last night. H^ cc mes home in the evenings, so I vill live with him,'" said Dr. D :borea Winfrey, the owner of Ps yCare Inc. of Winston-Salem ar d the director of institutional research at Winston-Salem St ite University. "Women want a man who is employed. It re illy doesn't matter how much m >ney they make because a lot of times, we are going to make mpre money than men." [ Winfrey and Tim Jackson, th? director of the East Winston Library, moderated discussion entitled, "The Good Man: Is He Rfeally Hard to Find and do Women Really Want Him" and '"f*he Good Woman: Is She Really Hard to Find." ; A group of men and women participated in the seminar. They spoke on the condition that their names not be men tioned. Black men prefer to date and marry two different types of women, Winfrey says. "What men want in their t wives is the flipside of what they want to play with when they are dating," she said." "Most women have a list of attributes that they want in their husband such as a spirituality, intelligence, financial stability, and physical build." Even when women find their ideal male, they still don't trust them, Winfrey said. "They feel like they will act badly and cheat on them," she said. "Men who are good say they get dogged by women. Good women say they are ignored by men and left out" Jackson said that men don't mistreat women in most cases. "Men don't dog women," he said. "When men show affec tion and do nice things for women, they tend to get bored with us. Women tend to like negative excitement." The group defined "dog ging" as cheating by men or women on their spouses, girl friends, or boyfriends, lying, failing to pay bills, and not being supportive of one's mate. "Doggihg is downright dis respect for me," one woman said. Another African American woman said that dogging was playing to one's vulnerabilities. "If you lie to me about cheating, then you are being a dog," the young woman said. "Tell me the truth and be a hon est dog." Women's perceptions of fidelity are different. "We have been in a situa- ? tion where the man's back is against the wall and he acknowledged that he was cheating," Winfrey said. "We say, You better not do any more, and we stay with them and when we really want to knock him out." However, Jackson said .many men give their, wives and girlfriends a second chance when they are unfaithful to them. "If the man loves the woman, and he finds out that she has been cheating, he will tell her not to do it again," he said. "He wants to keep her." Winfrey asked the women borea Winfrey and Tim Jackson moderated a discussion about "emale relationships at East Winston Library recently. in the group if there was a good man out there for them. "There is a good man out there," a black woman responded. She admitted that she had been attracted to men with sport cars and who pro vided her with excitement One African American man said that too many women wanted instant gratification and sought mates with white collar jobs. "Most of those men in three-piece suits can't talk," Winfrey said as the group laughed. "Many professional women deal with young criminals because they have flash and cash," the man said. A woman responded: "He may not be mister right, but he is mister right now." The shortage of black males is aggravating the situation between African American men and women. Too many black men are drug addicts, unem ployed, married or in relation ships, narrowing the pool of available mates, Winfrey said. Another black man believes that women may not know what men want in relationships. "If you are interested in a man, you need to ask him what he wants," he said. "Many women don't under stand the male ego," the man said. "They have been hurt in. the past relationships and that leads to physical violence toward women." An African American woman replied:-" Your manhood is based on the size of your heart, not the size of your wal let, not the how much money you make, and not how you per form in bed or how many babies you make out there." Many men don't reveal their feelings as much as women do, the man said. "It is bred into us not to tell all of your secrets," he said. Nevertheless, another man said that men do confide in women. "Men are intimidated by strong women," he said. "They feel if my mate is making more money, they my ego is dam aged.'* Jackson said that men learn how to cope with women who make more money than they do. ^ff you haven't learned it, then you are going back to women that you have dated before," he added. ' Despite the negative stereo types of black men, there are ideal men for African American women, Winfrey said. "Men have to be willing to compromise and meet women's criteria," she said. "Men want to be with women who understand ?them. We want you to be with us; We don't need you to be with us." The group also discussed the importance of respecting the various interests of men and women. "There must be respect for one s mutual interest in a - relationship," Jackson said. The topic of the next semi nar will be "Older Women and Younger Men; Older Men and Younger Women." It will be held at the East Winston Library on Monday, Nov. 13. The male/female relation* ships seminar began in October 1986 and is the longest running public service program in the history of the Forsyth County Library, Jackson said. v\ Success lasts a lifetiM. Get . - the training, the education, the job! A safe and drug-free environment Ages 16-24 For more information, cad 1(800) 211-JOBS ????3 _ VOTE YES For School Bonds We support the School Bond Issue and urge you to vote "Yes" on November 7th. Mr. & Mrs. Joseph D. Williams, Sr. Pauline Jackson Alderwoman Joycelyn Johnson Dr. V.K. Newell Minnie Lucus Dr. & Mrs. C.B. Hauser Albert T. Porter, Jr. Dr. Joseph Johnson Lutisher Adams Geneva Brown Walter Marsall Mr. & Mrs. Beaufort Bailey Annie S. Alexander Marshall B. Bass Hazel E. Brown Dr. J. Ray Butler Annie T. Ceasar Sinclair R. Crowder Atty Billy D. Friende Toy T. Beaty Dr. Irene P. Hairston Dr. & Mrs. Nat Irvin Earline W. Parmon Rev. & Mrs. L. S. Werts Mr. & Mrs. Norman C. Sanders Dr. & Mrs. Jerry Drayton Louise Smith Rev. J. V. Graham Rev. Dr. David R. Hedgley Dr. & Mrs. F. A. Leak Rev. Sheldon McCarter Elder Aifonzo & Cynthia Mitchell Robert E. Harrison Isaac L. Howard Bishop & Mrs. Sylvester D. Johnson Rev& Mrs. Wendell A. Johnson Dr. Charlie L. Kennedy Katharine G. McLean Alex McCullough Robert Norris Rev & Mrs. Donald Jenkins Mr. & Mrs. Man/in Dunlap Jan Williams Dr. Willard L. McCloud, Sr. Mr. & Mrs. Raphael Black Mr. William F. Fulton Dr. & Mrs. Oscar G. Hairston Dr. H. Rembert Malloy, MD Rev. Douglas E. Summers Atty Beverly R. Mitchell Queen B. Reid Thomas R Trollinger Dr. Jonathan D. Weston Representative Larry Womble Dr. Elwanda D. Ingram Rev. Robert L. McGowen Bobby Robinson Dr. Linwood Davis Delayne C. Shah Dr. Ruby Burgess Dr. Loretta Davenport Dr. Ann Barfield Mrs. T.C. Little Dr. & Mrs. Serenus T. Chum Dr. J. David Branch Dr. & Mrs. Cedric S. Rodney Paid for by friends of School Bond Issue ? Dr. C.B. Hauser
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