Lack of communication ends many marriages
BY PAUL COLLINS
THE CHRONICLE
Research shows that lack of
communication is the number
reason that couples divorce, said
Susan Wetzel, marriage prepara
tion coordinator for The Family
Life Council of Greater Greens
boro.
The divorce rate is slightly
more than 50 percent for first
marriages, said Wetzel, who -
along with Rob and Sherrie Har
mon will teach a Couple Com
munication course.
This four-week series will help
partners communicate better
about day-to-day issues. Couples
will learn 11 skills that will
change the way they talk and lis
ten as well as learn a collabora
tive conflict resolution process.
This series will be held at the
Dorothy Bardolph Human Ser
vices Center, second floor board
room, on Mondays, Jan. 22, Jan.
29, Feb. 5 and Feb. 12 from 7 to 9
p.m. A fee is charged.
Couple Communication is
especially for couples who are
preparing for marriage or are
newly married, but can also be
helpful for other couples and
people in other relationships
(such as work or parent-child
relationships), Wetzel said.
"This particular curriculum,
the basis of it is caring about
yourself and your partner," Wet
zel said. "Unless you have a car
ing attitude about yourself and
your partner, it is hard to achieve
a satisfactory relationship
whether you have communication
skills or not.
"We teach talking skills, lis
tening skills and conflict resolu
tion skills.
"Talking skills - You need to
make sure you get across to your
partner your thoughts and senso
ry data, but also that you (must)
convey your wants and your feel
ings. Those are two things cou
ples don't communicate well
enough. If you don't tell your
pirtrier what it is that you want,
you can't assume your partner
knows what you want or is a
mind reader.
"Skills in talking (Speak) for
self, which means using T words:
I, me, mine, rather than you. It
means that you are taking
responsibility for what your are
saying. By'doing that you don't
put your partner immediately on
the defensive. By doing that, it's
much easier to listen to I mes
sages.
"Instead of saying, 'You're
lazy. You're not taking out the
garbage,' (say,) *1 would like you
to take out the garbage. It
appears to me you are lazy.
"It's hard to do sometimes.
That's why it is a skill. You have
to think about what you are say
ing. Skills are learned behaviors.
"Listening skills For the lis
tener, it's almost harder to be a
good listener than a good speak
er, because you want to put your
thoughts on hold temporarily
and give full attention to your
partner, who is talking. Instead of
interrupting or rehearsing what
you are going to say next you
don't want to be judgmental, to
disagree or agree all you want
to do is listen to what your part
ner is saying at that moment.
"What you can do is do some
acknowledgement like nod your
head or say, 'Yes go on.' It lets
your partner know you are listen
ing and you want to know what is
being said "
That will let your partner
know that you are truly listening,
which will encourage your part
ner to get everything olT his or
her chest.
II" the talker thinks you are
not listening, it may turn into a
fighting or non-constructive situ
ation.
Ideally. Wetzel said, "the talk
er is the leader (in the conversa
tion). and the listener is the fol
lower."
After the talker is finished
talking, the listener then has an
opportunity to respond. "That
seems to be the best way to com
municate effectively," Wetzel said.
This approach is mainly for
important issues, not necessarily
little stuff. This approach is hard
er because it takes longer to talk
about an issue this way.
She also pointed out that
issues are not always conflicts.
"Another skill for listeners:
It's important for the listener to
summarize. (Say.) 'Let me see if I
understand you right.' (Then
summarize what the talker said.)
"The listener's responsibility
is to make sure the message
received is the same as the mes
sage said (or that the talker
intended to say). Misunderstand
ings occur when the listener does
n't hear exactly what the talker is
saying."
Sometimes the talker doesn't
say what he or she really meant,
so if the listener summarizes,
"This will clear that up as well."
Sometimes the listener will
hear only what he or she wants to
hear.
"Part of conflict resolution
skills - When you do have a con
flict you want to resolve ... you
basically want to set up a time
when both of you can sit and lis
ten." Wetzel said.
Sometimes a wife will try to
talk to her partner while he's
watching a football game, but
that's not the right time and the
partner may not fully listen.
Instead, say to your partner.
"There's something important I
want to talk to you about. Is this
a good time?," Wetzel said. Both
parties need to agree on an
appropriate time to discuss con
flict so they both can give each
other full attention.
Taking a walk together or
taking a ride together may pro
vide better settings for discussing
conflicts rather than while watch
ing television or eating a meal, or
right before going to bed! "You
want to make sure you both have
enough energy and time set
aside," she said.
In discussing conflicts with
your partner, Wetzel said, "In
terms of wants, a lot of times you
think about wants for yourself
only. You also want to think
about wants for others. You don't
need to just share your wants."
For example, if the wife hates
it when her husband goes fishing.
The husband could say, "I want
you to be happy with my deci
sion. Why don't you like me to go
fishing?"
Maybe the wife doesn't like
her husband's friend Bob.
"Sometimes it gets into deep
er issues." Wetzel said.
Thinking about the wants of
your partner is key to having a
good relationship. Wetzel said.
She said, for example, that her
husband likes to get to the airport
way early, but she likes to arrives
not so early. But to make her hus
band happy, she goes to the air
port early. That's more important
to her than having a few minutes
more at home before going to the
airport, she said.
To register for the Couple
Communication class or for more
information, call the Family Life
Council at 336-6890 (ext. 221).
Enrollment is limited. Payment
reserves your spot.
Photo by Kevin Walker
The Family Council of Greater Greensboro is offering a four-week course to help couples communicate
better about day-to-day issues.
Phi Delta Kappa chapter celebrates Christmas
season with residents of New Beginnings
SPECIAL TO THE CHRONICLE
Beta Lambda Chapter of
The National Sorority of Phi
Delta Kappa visited the resi
dents of New Beginning Assist
ed Living Center on Dec. 22.
The sorority donated a foot
whirlpool to the residents so
that each resident will be able
to enjoy the gift long after the
Christmas season is over. Soror
Valarie Edwards also presented
each resident with a care pack
age.
Members of the sorority
sang Christmas carols, read
Scripture and prayed with the
residents of the elderly-home.
Kudo Staten led prayer.
Soror Daisy Staten is
basileus of Beta Lambda chap
ter, and she coordinated the
project.
From loft to right, $orors Sanders, Staten, the director of New Beginning and soror Edwards.
Report: Minority students more
likely to get long suspensions
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
GREENSBORO A report
on public school discipline finds
that minority students are get
ting suspended more often for
serious offenses than are white
students.
Sixty-three percent of stu
dents who received long-term
suspensions during the past
three years were minorities, but
minorities comprise only 38 per
cent of the state's public school
enrollment, the new report says.
"These kinds of statistics
should be setting off alarms at
school systems around the state
and at the state level," said Greg
Malhoit, executive director of
the N.C. Justice and Community
Development Center, an advo
cate for poor and minority citi
zens.
The state report focused on
those students who received
long-term suspensions those
that last more than 10 days.
They are given for the most seri
ous offenses, such as assaulting
teachers, making bomb threats
and possessing weapons or
drugs.
But the results of the state
report, the first to track punish
ment for serious offenses over
three years, don't surprise many
educators.
State offiSals say the per
centages are similar to those in
national reports. The U.S.
Department of Education said
in June that one out of every
eight black students was sus
pended from school three years
ago, compared to only one out
of every 18 white students.
Some civil rights groups
blame the disparity in discipline
on racism, but others say chron
ic misbehavior is related to aca
demic problems. Black and
other minority students often
score lower than white children
on standardized tests, for exam
ple.
"Kids who ate successful (in
school) tend ndt to be as much
of a disciplinary problem," said
Henry Johnson, an associate
superintendent for the state
Department of Public Instruc
tion. "We have to tie the reduc
tion >of discipline instances to
improved academic success."
The report also showed that
black males, who received 43
percent of all long-term suspen
sions in the past three years,
were nearly three times more
likely than any other student
group to receive the punishment.
Males were three times more
likely than females to get long
term suspensions, while ninth
graders received about one-third
of all of these suspensions, the
report said. Seventy percent of
students receiving the suspen
sions were referred to alternative
schooling programs.
Some school systems don't
have alternative schools, , and
others have programs that are
far from being top-quality, said
state Sen. Bill Martin, D-Guil
ford.
Lawmakers and school sys
tems might want to improve
access to and quality of these
programs, said Martin, co-chair
man of a legislative study com
mission on improving perfor
mance of minority students.
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unlimited.net
Visiting scholar in religion program
SPECIAL TO THE CHRONICLE
HIGH ppiNT - High Point
University inaugurates the Keller
Visiting Scholar in Religion Pro
gram during the Spring 2001
semester with a distinguished pro
fessor and author from Harvard
University.
The first visiting scholar is Dr.
William A. Graham, professor of
the history of religion and Islamic
studies, and chairman of the
department of Near Eastern lan
guages and civilizations at Harvard
University.
Visiting professors in the pro
gram for the subsequent two years
are Dr. Cheryl J. Sanders, profes
sor of ethics at Howard Universi
ty's School of Divinity in Washing
ton. D.C. (2002), and Dr. Sharon
Daloz Parks, director of The
Whidbey Institute in Washington
State and formerly a faculty mem
ber in the schools of divinity, busi
ness and government at Harvard
(2003).
"High Point University is very
fortunate to have such distin
guished. highly respected scholars
teaching such stimulating courses
through this
new pro
gram," said
Dr. Harold
C. Warlick.
chairman of
Ihe universi
ty's depart
ment of reli
gion and phi
losophy, and
program Sanders
coordinator.
"We are all very excited about the
immediate and future prospects for
the Keller Visiting Scholar Pro
gram This means a lot to our uni
versity."
In residence in High Point in
January and March. Graham will
teach the seminar "To Far Places: ,
Pilgrimage and Journey Religious
Phenomena." Limited to 15 stu
dents. the seminar will take stu
dents on a faith pilgrimage
through various religious tradi
tions. The course will require
selected ? readings and a paper
researched and written in consulta
tion with Graham and a member
of the university's department of
religion and philosophy.
During his residency, Graham
will deliver the Finch Lecture on
"To Far Places: Pilgrimage as Act
and Image." Graham teaches
"Faith Pilgrimage," a core course
at Harvard College involving
about 200 students annually. He is
See Program on AS
Winston Lake
from page AI
that there is a problem," Horsey
said, "We want to fight that prob
lem by teaching some survival
skills."
Horsey said the Winston Lake
Y has some Hispanic members, A
Hispanic church congregation also
meets at the Y weekly. These and
other resources will be tapped.
Horsey said, to get Hispanic
youngsters in the program.
"We also have a community a
stone's throw away from us that is
99 percent Hispanic, and that is
Lakeside (Apartments)," Horsey
added.
Thornton Eaton and Gregson
will teach the class. The two teach
O
swimming at the Winston Lake Y.
Eaton said'once black and His
panic young people get accus
tomed to the water, swimming
comes naturally.
Many have not yet picked up
the skill because pools are not
readily available to them, Eaton
said. Admission prices at the city s
pools have skyrocketed over the
years.
"If they don't have access to
facilities, there is nowhere for them
to pick up the skill." Eaton said,
"but it is one of the best skills you
can have."
Horsey is hoping that older
children that excel in the program
will have an opportunity to be life
guards at Y's or city pools this
coming summer. All participants
will be trained in a style of CPR
used by lifeguards and other pro
fessionals.
But Horsey, Eaton and Grego
ry admit that laek of skills is not
what keeps many teens from seek
ing jobs as lifeguards.
"There's a lot of responsibility
that goes along with being a life
guard ...It's not like 'Baywatch,'"
Gregson said.
Horsey believes the program
will have art impact, one that will
be tgh this summer at local pools
an'd in shrinking drownjng statis
tics. The Y, he said, has a long, glo
rious record of teaching millions
of Americans the art of swim
ming. '.
"We have been in the aquatics
business for 150 years," he said.
United Way of Forsyth County's
35 partner agencies, volunteers and staff
join our community in celebrating the
life and goals of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
United W^y
Yaw* way change lives.
400 West 4th Street ? Winston-Salem. NC 27101 ? Phone: 336/723-3601 ? Fax: 336/724-1045 ? wtfw.forsythunitedway.org |