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Thursday, April 27, 2006
■Miilililliltilliiililiiiitiiiiiiiiii
You can trust me for
a great loan because
I’m black like you *
* YOU THINK I:M YOUR FRIEND BECAUSE WE’RE THE SAME RACE. So you’ll fall for if when l suggest
you skip all this confusing fine print, and just let me explain everything to you in nice, simple terms you can understand.
In fact, I’m so sure you aren’t reading this. I’m going to sing a little ditty. La la la la la la la. I’ll make sure you never know
about the hidden fees and balloon payments buried in all the paperwork I’m piling on you—until It’s too late. I’m so good
at my job I can convince an intelligent person that they absolutely positively must sign today or no one else will ever offer
another loan ever again until the end of the universe. La la la la la. STILL NOT READING, ARE YOU? My
favorite Is when you don’t even question why you’re signing blank documents. Hello!? You’re signing a blank document.
Some of you trust me so completely you don’t even bother comparing Interest rates! It’s almost too easy. Eventually those
rates will wear you down and they’ll foreclose on your home. I love this job. La la la la la. I can write ANYTHING I WANT
•^because you’re not reading ANY of this! I wonder what I should have for dinner? There’s that new Italian place with the
outdoor seating. That’s what I’ll do. Sit outside, have some pasta. Maybe a nice glass of merlot. And some warm crusty
sourdough. Tonight is not a night for watching carbs. Tonight is a night to celebrate! I MAKE A FORTUNE
TRICKING PEOPLE LIKE YOU INTO LOANS YOU CANT POSSIBLY PAY BACK. The elderly are the
easiest to .fool. Man, give an old person a chance to make a few extra bucks to pay medical bills, and I can-get
away with anything. Sit at a kitchen table and eat some runny apple pie, and suddenly I’m like a long-lost cousin
to you people. Suffer through your dusty old photo albums and boring stories, and the only thing left is your
signature. My favorite sucker was Mrs. Charles—what a dotty old bat. She wanted a loan to help with her grandson’s
college tuition. So proud he was getting a business degree. I explained to her how she could apply for just a bit more
money, and not only help her grandkid through school, but also pay off her car loan and help with her husband’s diabetes
medication. She acted like she’d won the lottery. Kept telling me I was the answer to her prayers. She even brought me
with her to church and introduced me to all her little old lady friends. They all gathered around me like girl groupies on a
boy band. They shook my hand and hugged me and ooohed and aaahed when Mrs. Charles told them how I was “absolutely
saving her life.” I gave ouf af least ten business cards that morning, I can tell you. And Mrs. Charles earned me a huge
bonus at work. La la la la la. Blah blah blah. STILL NOT READING THIS? Don’t know why I even bother to ask.
Mrs. Charles never did manage to pay on time (hmmmm, wonder how that could have happened?). She got further
.and further behind on her payments. Owed us more and more in late fees and interest. When she got hit with that
balloon payment on top of everything else, there was no way she could recover. She finally had to foreclose on her house
just to dig herself out I still like to imagine her nosy group of church friends standing around on moving day cooing
” and clucking and muttering “what a shame, what a shame. Where’s that nice young man who could never eat enough of
your apple pie? Why don’f you just give that sweet boy a call and let him give you some advice?” Oh, the world is full
of suckers like you. La la la la la. Blah blah blah.
tt SUCH A SHAME YOU’RE NOT READING THIS. IF YOU WERE, YOU’D KNOW YOU’RE ABOUT
TO SIGN AWAY YOUR LIFE.