n a
CENTRAL TIMES.
I II i jp
E. F. YOUNG, Manager.
"LIVK .ISTD LET LIVE."
C K. GRANTHAM, Local Editor.
VOLUM'K I.
DUNN, HARNETT CO., N. 0., THURSDAY. MAY 14, 1391.
NUMBER 12.
(The (Central' crimes. :
i Published EveryThursday j
i:v-
E. F.' Yoaas aiiljG. K. Grantiiaiii.
SUBSCRIPTIONS IN ADVANCE: j
',. Y"tr, - $1:('0 j
' Month.'', - ' - - j
ADVERTISING HATES:
.' irju iii ii, (; Year,
" "
4 ;( iii'-'i,' :, . - -.
4.".') i
L'ft.'l-n j
1 j
7 Tfr-C ':ti ;n t :! v -rli-,n-!ii- I.h'm ii nt pro-
', ii'. :,-. I" I - : iitf.
' V,; t.i:.-jiii. is.'t 1"' industry in North
:!r;.;:i:i. mi dimuaufacture.,. are proie--iu-i
with vi in mu.v parts of the
South; M-wr;,! i.e'.v plantation aud
t.,r.- t mi.1u-Vi:- :.n .lily-developing
. , , ,;. .; i ll, comments the
W.-i-l.:.. ":" V-.-. the HiT'-
-a th 'Aii. lit" n !..!!'.
' t
1 ,. I.' .-,.- A'- .'V.'S thinks tn.tt one I
., ,!-'. wiii j;:- rtdroad stations in j
r.i..rl f..sA- i'l it. !)- The platform
i- i.-'.T'i m oliii! tii- l'a-c tjf t a giant elm
'tri'. vhilf iii licit ' ! in the, form of a
1 :t- w n oiler. -umbrella ;.nutil tlif tree,
;hcnlu!- slimtuie rtcihb'inff an im-M-iise
Miiiiiner hoji-f'. y- tloubt It a
nn.;e 'piftur'ipc -t:itivii can bo found 1:1
i. world.
. At i-asf our person in three between
in- a't-s of t-tj and forty years is subject
partial 1 ifuc-s.
The '':eat maioritv
:tM' of deafness are hereditary and
ia.- t. the to rlose consanguinity of the
parents. Heafness is more prevalent
anions -uien than amoiii; w omen, because
,ii,: former are more exposed t-j the vitis--itinie
of (iiinate. It is thoujiht that
f lephonus fend to bring on deafiU'S-;
v hen one ear is used to the exclusion of
th'' other. . - -
An itsterertiny incident in connection
with Presdeiit Harrison's visit to Atlanta
was his im-.tio;-- with Mr. (Jeare tlt.k.
-1 rourtly. elderly eiitlemaii, and a well
known piano ni.i'.Mifaoturer of IJiiton.
To- irrandfatlk'r of Mr. i'oali was the
('a,.t.iii foo'v who saved the lite of Gen-
r ii V1iiia11i I b nry Harris n from th
Indian at the battle" .if Tippecanoe. Mr.
'.iok and Mrs. Cook had been snoadiu"
a few day- wifh" Governor -Bullock, .and
) imitation of Mayor IlempliiU wcnt up
'tf-roal to i.u.r, the rrcsi.leut. The
meeting oi the two utaylnire 1 grandsons
u;.. v; ry end::'!. n d th.-y enjoyed :i
l-K-a-aat c hat- diinf- t'.i." rid- 'into the
tv.
I- "-Shakecpe ire. theM uo;- .f N.t
'i!eat,s. W;is ask..; whether, he knew
li'OV he ratne by his uruai!l". "Oil. '
!i- : think, pe.iiap;. .1 .-b;i:n
-' ant ti.-n the i i! a of Avon. 'Wei!.
I in a n American, aud you know what
Amu:. -.in after. I never heard that
Hard of Avon k-ii aiivthin- bu: a
vne. l !o.,x n. interest-in his family.
It he had h it moiu-y it ymid' be ditTer
AV a matter ot fad Shakespeare
leave a -a e-tate tiiat was reckoned
;" U ti:'H-- The new-Shakespeare
-f N v Oilo.-.ns a native. .f th- uv'h-
hood ,,t H,!ti(i,o.e. where his an-s-?o,s
weu. f.,,(m,r ,,t. i(5-a r.f.b hyx
N'onu-r.
;e-4'- W. Cai'.t.. of Pnihuletphia.
K-...eou:,te t exhibit his tiae art and
-' .vceir colWvtiou ;,t- the t'Licao Fair.
Anions his trea-are- a;e the little green
!""P wli h Ixlun-a to Tom Moore, and
wln.-h he earricd into hundreds of Irish
""mi': tIl!' !'Vsive siiveV va-e pieituted
IKtny Clay, wluu he was at tlie height
"( llis lki 'Ularity; by the Whig jadiei of
! cimesM L. ; Washington's champagne
uTa; vaps. saucers and irUes whic'.t
from Louis' Napoleon, the late
KnirorViilum. the late Kmoeior
Iaxi:rUiat, and tae ex-Kmneror ,,f
Brazil: n minia'ur- ship, formerly the
l'p.;:ty of IVcIdeal Andrew Jackson
and the silver waiter p.vw-e-, to Go.J
eral .TaekMm after ius victory by the citi-?cn-
of NV.v Orleans. . .
It n ally. l.ks now. ai.-rt tll, Xovv
Wk v. ;i thou,.., the 'action ,; the
Itah. u i;vf;u:m-iit toward this ccuutrv
Iku! ... frightened King .Humbert's sub
- makr ten, ,sf tho,sands of
'iemh,.:enU(:nv ;V j..
'C.'UUI- ;im . ''j, ..... ".
, , ' " '"'ii - over a-
alhe.vra,..fia.l.lu: u, irrv th,m,
and. ae: ordit,. to revent .lw,Mtrii. the
n.terraaup.rt. ar swarminvith
"ahans auxi..,w t()Mv;iv iriQk ;a
steerage vf the i,,,.,.-.,-, . , ,
America. Tuere for .
tug the appreseuMou that, if Kin'
,IUmf,m reat,n to n,ake war
"Ponihc Tnited States, we cou!d not find
,Hrt'..- ht of his subjects
ILLUSIONS.
Go stan 1 at ni?'at apou an ocean craft
An I wato . th3 foi ls of its imperii! train
Catching in A?ssy foam a thousand glows
A miracle of fire unquenc'aei by sea.
There, in bewilderin 5 turbulence of change,
Vhir!sthe whole firmanont, till as you gazi,
All esi unseen, it is as heaven itself
Had lost its poise, an eoh unanchored star
In phantom haste fl?:?s to the horizon line.
What dupes we are of tha deceiving eye!
How many a liht man wonderingly acclairu
Is b-Jt the phosphor of the path Life make
With its own motion, while above, forgot,
Sweepjan serene the old unenvious stars!
lljberl Underwood Johnson, in Centv.ru.
UXCLE FLAXLEY'S HOBBY,
BY Iipi.EN FOKREiiT GRAVES.
The white, vertical light of i Feb
ruary day shone down through the sky
light of Julian Dover's studio, its pitiless
brightness bringing out every layer of
dust on the Venetian red draperle?, every
spot and stain on the much benicked
walls. " -
The lay figure vas doubled up in a
most impossible attitude against a big
chair, covered with cotton velvet and
cheap gilt .fringe; n bunch of faded roses,
in an old ;i;crackle'' vast, hung limply
down, and Mr. Dover, in a shabby
plum-colored velvet coat, and a Turkish
fez perched jauntily on rne side of his
handsome head, was paintiug desperately
away, intent on economizing every sec
ond of the precious winbr daylight.'
'Ob, the deuce!" he exclaimed, ab
ruptly. "What made you jump so,
Clarie? A man don't waut the current
of his ideas disturbed just when "
The model lifted her large, wine
brown eyes to his face,, with a depreca
tory smile.
"I hear Kitty Flaxley outside,'" said
she.
. ''Outride she must stay, then!'' re
marked Mr. Dover, frowning at his pal
ette. ,;I can't be interrupted; every
minute is a lump of gold. Waitl'Vlie
roared, as a gentle rapping souuded on
Ihe door, v "Clarie is posing for me!"
And. thea one perceived a slight,
graceful
figure iu a
coarse lilac cottou
gown, and a striped handkerchief care
lessly twisted around her rich, brown
locks, leaning in an artistic attitude
against a window-sash studded with
many small panes, that was supported be
tween two standards.
Her fingers were intertwined iu her
hair; her elbows rested on thcskll, where
a coarse llr.wer-pot or two were ranged.
She was not Mrs. Julian Dover for the
time being;' she was "The Fisherman's
Wife," destined b good luslc and the
grace of the hanging committee to figure
iu the forthcoming spring exhibition.
"Oh, Julian, I am so tired !" she
pleaded. "Every bone in me is cramped, j
"You've no idea of true art,' said
Julian,, slowly. "You haven't pose 1
half an hour yet."
. "I'm so sorry ; but "
. ."Jump, then !" said the painter for
the first time realizing- how pale ' and !
worn the delicate, oval face was. "I J
suppose I can be putting in the distant j
.sea while you gossip with your Kitty." j
He caught her hand as the skipped j
past him, and kissed her a kiss which j
was a rich reward for all the cramp ana
weariness she had endured and she ran
out -to the hall, tugging as she went to j
remove the knotted red silk neckerchief 1
which supplied an element of warm color
4 ii. " I
to the picture
There stood her quoudam .schoolmate,
Kitty Flaxley, with cheery lip3 aud spar
kling eyes.
"Oh, Claire, how odd you look 1" said
she. -
"Yes," s;id Mrs. Dover, composedly.
'I'm 'Tae Fisherman's Wife.' Every
bone in me is a separate pain, with sit-
tinir so long watching for
in v husuand s
boat."
Doth laughed; and then the artist's
wife led Miss Flaxley into the studio,
where Julian nodded a pleasant saluta
tion to her.
"You won't expect rue to stop work
ing?" said he.
"Of course not!" said Kitty. "It's
work that I've come to talk about. Such
news as I've got! The family fortunes
are all made. Our Uncle Flaxley came
home yesterday. That is, he isn't our
uncle he's only a sort of cousin; but
mamma naturally wants to make the re
lationship as near as possible; so we are
all instructed to call him 'uncle' "
"And who is Uncle Flaxley?"
"That's just it," said Kitty, laughing.
"lie went to the South Sea Islauds,
thirty years ago, and people" to.ok no no
tice at all of his cxit except to say some
thing about 'good riddance to bad rub
bish.' He comes back, and you would
think him a canonized saint. Nothing
is good enough for him."
"Oh!!' said Dover. "He's made
money?" '
"Exactly," nodded Kitty. "But he's
the oddest old fish a little, dried-up,
parchment-faced man, who goes about
finding fault with everything aad every
body, and promulgatiug the most out
landish theories that ever were heard of.
The first thing he did was to upset all
our family traditions. You know, Claire,
how mamma has brought us up like the
lilies of the field, that toil not, neither j
do they spin? Now, we are ench of us;
to learn a trade. I'm going into dress- j
making!"
"In.possible!" cried the artist's wife. '
"4heodora is going to tackle art em
oroidery. Constantine savs she hasn't
decided yet between telegraphy and j
typewriting. Oh, you may well look j
amazed! It's, all Uncle Flaxley. He
says he'll give us a thousand dollars ;
apiece when we've each learned a real, -!
bread-winning, practical trade. He says ;
it's what every womu ought to do.
Dora wants to get a thousand dollars to j
get herself a stuuuing set of diamonds, j
Con would like to go to Canada with the
Trelawneys next year, and I don't te'tl j
anyone, please, Ciaire and Julian but
I shall give mine to Rembrandt Alison, :
so that he can go to Paris and study in J
the Louvre." j
vGood!': cried Julian Dover, TLeu
it's really true that you are engaged?
Kitty, Kitty, an artist's -wife is a first
class martyr!"
41 An artist's wife is the happiest crea
ture in the world, Kitty?" counter as
serted Claire, her soft eyes lighted up
with love. 'A thousand dollars 1 Oa,
I wish I could make a thousand dol
lars!" :
"I'm going don town every day to
learn- the Graftenburgh system," said
Kitty. 4,I shall hare to work three long,
endless months before they give me a
diploma; but I shall have something to
work for,
good-by !
don't you see? " And now
I'm off for Graftenburgh's!"
Uncle Eiimelech Flaxley walked
around the house of his cousin's widow,
with his hands hooked under his coat
tails, and his blue spectacles balanced on
the bridge of his nose, peering into
everything, criticising everything, and
finding fault with everything.
Mrs. Peter Flaxley smiled at all bis
comments. Iu her eyes his conduct wa
perfect.
"What!" Uncle Fiaxlev had cried.
"three girls, and not one of 'em taught
1 to earn her living! That's no way to
uring up a latnuy, sister Annaoei. ivvery
woman should have a trade. Every
woman should be able to support herself
the same as if she were a man.
This was Uncle Fiaxley's hobby. He
trotted it out, he bridled it and saddled
it and rode it perpetually, and the upshot
of it was that the thousand dollar propo
sition wa3 made and promptly accepted
by his three nieces.
"It's dreadful!" sighed Mrs. Flaxley;
"but of course it is our interest to con
sult your uncle'4 wishes in every re
spect." "I've always thought I should like to
learn dressmaking," said Kitty. One
could clothe one's self at half the ex
pense. And then a thousand dollars, all
of one's own think of it."
"I know ever so many nice girls who
do type-writing," said Constantia, a tall,
willowy girl, with yellow hair and pallid
skin. "If one must have a trade, I be
lieve there's nothing more genteel."
But Theodora, the beauty of the. Flax
ley family, turned up her nose.
"Such an absurd idea of Uncle Flax
ley's!" s'aid she. "I'm a tolerably de
cent embroiderer already, and if the
woman's exchange accepts a piece of my
work, I suppose the old crank . will rec
ognize it as a token of being an expert
in that particular trade!"
Aud as she shut herself up with silks
and satins and several dozen ounces of
rainbow -colored filoselle and crewels, to.
design a pattern which should take the
world of tapestry by storm.
Kitty wrestled bravely with the tech
nicalities of the Graftenburgh system.
Constantina worked diligenUy at the
clicking marvel of the nineteeuth cen-
turv.
Theodora
was the first to look
! back from the plow-handle3.
i. "I bate it!" said she, pettishly. "I
: can't make anything out of it! Such
.1' wooden-looking things , as my cat-tails
Land storks are! I mean to go and see
i Philomel Alison about it."
Young Rembrandt Alison's studio was
far smaller aud less picturesque than
that of his compeer, Julian Dover.
He slept on a sofa under the window
0f nights, and his sister Philomel, who
jiept house for him on tne niost'ecou-
oniical principles, occupied
cornered closet at the rear.
three-
rear, wnicn
she
rancd a bedroom, aud which,
besides
the cot-bed, held exactly two bandboxes,
, r -il i. 1 1 1
t and a chair with a wash-bowl and pitcher
j on it.
j She was a skilled embroiderer, r.ud
i worked her finger-ends off, while her
i brother, rapt in visions of Titian and
j Buonarotti. stood before his canvas.
"Children, you work too hard, both
I of you," said a" little, old, yellow-coin-'
plexioned mau who had once known
j their father on the Mexican frontier,
i and who came occasionally to the studio,
: aud viewed them with not unkindly eyes
"It's work or starve, sir, said Alison,
; with short laugh.
"What do you ask for this picture?"
' abruptly questioned Mr. Flaxley.
"Two hundred dollars when it is
finished."
"Tut, tut!" said the old man. "Too
muca ! Two hundred dollars for a bit
of cauvas eighteen inches square?"
"It's not a mere bit of canvas," said
Alison, coloring up; "it's my brains
my ideas the visions I see nightly in
my sleep."
"L'll give you fifty dollars for it,"
hazarlcd the yellow-complexioned man.
"I couldn't possibly sell it for that."
"Humph! humph!" snorted Flaxley.
"The next I know, Philly here will be
wanting to sell her bit of brown-and-yellow
needlework" for two hundred dol
lars, too?"
Philomel looked gravely up from her
work.
"No," she said. "I'm to receive fifty
dollars for it. It is an order."
"What is the world coming to?" cried
Mr. Flaxley. "People must be aching
to spend their money. What is the
thing, anyhow ducks paddling in a
pond?"
Philomel shook her head.
"Heraas," said she, "in a marsh full
of reeds and rushes. Those lines of yellow-
s;ik see? are
where the sunshine
ttrikes the water.
Flaxley peered dubiously at the mass
Qf bright colors.
"One has to exercise considerable im-
agination," said he
"I wonder, said Philomel to her
brother, after the fussy little visitor was
e0ne, "if I ought to have told him that
jf Was doing this work for his niece in
1? iffo street?"
'Speech is silver, silence is golden,!!
said Rembrandt Alison, mecnanicauy.
'.'It's always best not to talk. Do you
think, Phil, I've got the red too deep
in this peasant's jacket?"
Mr. Flaxley, making his way home,
thought of the studio he had just left,
with a softening of the heart.
"They are nice children, "he pondered.
"Their father was a nice man. He took
me into his ranch and cured me that
time I had th rrnllev fever. I might
; have died if it hadn't beea for him."
Time passed on ; the three months ex
pired. Constantia copied some letters
for her uncle on a typewriter with such
skill and rapidity that he wrote cut hit
check for a thousand dollars on the spot.
Kitty showed him her diploma from
Graftenburgh & Co., and proudly called
his attention to a trimly-fitting dress that
she wore.
A second time Uncle Flaxley inscribed
his autograph on an oblong slip of pale
green paper, and then Theodora unrolled
a banner of dark-olive satin, glistening
with rich embroidery.
"It has just been sold at the woman's
exchange," said she, "for a hundred and
ten dollar?. Here's the receipt."
Uncle Flaxley pricked up his feather
like ears; he stared very hard through
his spectacles.
"Your work?" said he.
"My work!" repeated Theodora, with'
dignity.
"No, it isn't!" curtly contradicted Mr..
Flaxley, whose iorte was not conven
tional repose. "I've seen those ducks
and marsh-grasses before! I saw them
when Philomel Alison was working them.
Y'oung woman, you have deceived me?
Theodora turned scarlet. The sudden
ness of his contradiction had stricken her
guilty soul dumb.
"No thousand-dollar check for you,"
said Mr. Flaxley. "Go and say your
prayers and read over the Ten Command
ments, where it says, 'Thou shalt not
steal!' For you are a thief ! "
He had scarcely overcome his wrath
against this backsiding relative when he
trotted around to Rembrandt Alison's
studio the next day.
"I can't get that yonng fellow's wist
ful face out of- my mind," thought he.
"I guess I'll buy the eighteenth-inch
square of canvas after all."
He stood wiping his boots on the mat
in the studio vestibule, and plainly heard
Kitty's voice saying:
"Do take it, Rembrandt! I've earned
it myselt. It's mine to give, and I've no
possible use for it. I thought of you all
the time, and I do.so want you to go to
Paris aod study in the Louvre!"
Unci 3 Flaxley pushed the door open
with a bang and walked in, regardless
of etiquette.
"Tes, take it, Alison," said he
"take it in the spirit that she gives if.
She's' a trump, that girl is!"
Rembrandt Alison looked at Kitty's
scarlet lace wita grave, searcning eyes.
"I will take it," said he,
will give me herself, also.
"if Kitty
There can
be no crushing sense of obligation where
love bridges the way."
"I'll give her to you," said Uncle
Flaxley, boldjng pushing Kitty lor ward.
"Things are happening just to suit me."
"Me also," said Philomel, in a whis
per, her pale face lighted up with joy.
"Here!" said Uncle Flaxley; "what's
the price of this picture and this and
this? I'll buy 'em all ! Gracious me! if
you're really going to Paris, there's no
reason Kitty shouldn't go, too, on her
wedding trip." .
Of all Uncle Fiaxley's eccentricities,
this was the' most .delightful. Kitty
had a long sory to tell Julian Dover and
Claire, in their studio across the hall,
that day.
"It will be such a glorious thing,"
cried Claire, still enacting "The Fisher
man's "Wife," "for you to marrv an ar
tist!'' '
But Mrs. Flaxley declared that her
rich relation had been "shamefully
partial" in the matter of the thousand
dollar proposition. It is so hard to suit
everybody! Saturday Night.
A Wonderful Clock. .
A marvelous piece of mechanism has
recently been exhibited in Paris. It is
an eight-day clock, which chimes the
quarters, plays sixteen tune3, playing
three tunes every hour, or at any inter
val required, by simply touching a
spring. The hands go as follows:. One
once a minute, ' one once an hour, one
once a week, one once a month and one
once a year.
It shews the moon's age ; rising
setting of the sun, the time of high
and
and
and
low tide, besides showing half ebb
half flood. A curious device represents
the water, showing ships at high water
tide as if they were in motion; and, as it
recedes, leaves them high and dry on the
sands.
The clock shows the hour of the day,
the day of the week, the day of the
month and the month of, the year. The"
mechanism is so arranged as to make its
own provisions for long and short months.
It also shows the signs of the zodiac,
equations and the difference between sua
and railroad time fcr every day in. the
vear. San Franc iico Examiner.
Balm of Gilead.
The balm of Gilead, which is alluded
to in the Old Testament'as , being ex
tremely precious, and which is spoken
of by Stralxo, Pliny and other ancient
writers as being a cure for almost every
disease, is a liquid resinous substance of
high fragrauce and enjoys a very high"
reputation in the East. It is generally
believed to be taken from a species of
balsamodendrow, a small tree growing
in Arabia and Abyssinia, and known as
balsam of Gileadeuse. The finest balsamv
called obobalsam or balm of Mecca, is
obtained by incisions, is at first turbid
and white, but finally becomes a golden
yellow color and of the consistency of
honey. Inferior kinds are obtained by
boiling the fruit and the wood. Brool
hjix Citizen.
The Derivation of Bar k rain.
Buckram, so called from Bokhara,
where it was originally made in the Mid
dle Agesr was much esteemed for being
costly and fine, and fit for use in church
vestments and for secular personal wear.
Joan Grandison, Bishop of Exeter, Eng
land in 1327, gave to his cathedral flags
of white and red buckram, and among
the five very rich veila for covering th?
movable lectern in that church three
were lined with blue bokeram. As late
as the beginning of the sixteenth cen
tury this stuff was held good enough for
lining to a black velvet gown for Quetn
Elizabeth. Jry Goodt VhronicU.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OP THE PHESS.
Consolation Discretion Good Rea
son for Beinjf Positive Doing
Well, Ktc, Ktc.
Mad I tjeen born as Hercules,
With great Apollo's grace.
With brain like that cf Socrates,
Napoleonic face,
A nose as Gee as Caaaar's was,
The wit of Cnauncey D.,
A ready pen like that of Boz,
Then I'd despair of thee, -
Because when thou dost lavish love
On that vile pug of thine,
Thou showest thou art not above
Admiring charms like mine.
Harpers Bazar.
DISCRETION.
Mrs. Bellows "How do you keep
your husband in such subjection?"-
Mrs. Fellows "I make him belidve
that he is boss." Xtvo York Herald.
doixg well. .
Herdso "That man Blithers started
at the bottom of the" ladder."
Saidso "Where is he now?" ; . - .
Herdso "Holding his own." Xuc
York iun.'
; MlIE CHAXCK.
"What does Miss Brown mean by say
ing she was born just after the war !"
t "She means the Mexican War I re
mmb?r her telling the same story in '61."
3funtej' Weekly.
NEVEU ASKED TO "LOOK TLEASANT.".
Spiggit "The Chinese do not permit
their women to be photographed."
Givvit "No; they have quite an ar
tistic sense. I have seen some Chinese
women." Judge.
TOO SUGGESTIVE.
Freshleigh, !94 (to Miss Autumn,
who has just made a sarcastic remark) -"You
are withering, Misj Autumn."
Miss Autumn "Sir rrr? ! ! !"
Harvard Lampoon.
ACCOMMODATING.
Jinks "Have you got quarters for a
-dollar, old man !"
Winks "My vest pocket is rather
crowded but pass it over and I'll try to
make room for it." Life.
, CHEERFUL WILLINGNESS.
Ferocious Man (entering editor's
room) "I've come to club you."
Editor "All right, sir. Ciub rates
are twenty-five per cent, off the regular
single subscription." Epocn.
FULL OF ALARM.
Frank "Blanche seems awfully shy.
What do you suppose makes her so
timid?" " .
, May "She's probably afraid you're
not going to propose." -Munseyi II eelly.
: " NO NEED TO INTERFERE.
Excited Lady "WThy don't you inter
fere to stop that dog fight?"
Bystander "I was just a. goin' to,
mum ; but you can calm y:r fears now.
3Iy dog is on top at last, mum." Good
Reus.
GOOD REASON FOR BEING POSITIVE.
Belle "I feel Mr. Clarke will never
marry me for my money."
Blanche "What makes you so posi-
t 0 J
ive; '
Belle "Because I refuse! him last
night.'
VERY STRANGE, INDEED.
Gilhooly "What o'clock is it, Char
lie?" Charlie Bondclipper "It is just ten."
Gilhoolv "What a singuar coinci
oence. I was just going to ask you for
10." Terns Sittings.
"OUT OF SIGHT" EVIDENCE.
"I can always tell when Jinimicboy'
has finished his pudding," taid Uncle
George.
"How," asked the boy's mother.
"There is n't any left on his plate." ;
Harper's Young People.
CAUTION.
"Can you cook?" he asked anxiously,
ere he popped the question.
"I don't know," she answered, "bui
I I can, try."
'Not on me," he rejoined, reachiug
for his hat. New York Sun.
NOT SO FOOLISH.
He "You loved me once."
She "Yes, when I" was young
and
foolish."
He "And you rejected me."
She "Urn then I couldn't have
been so very foolish after all." New Yorfir
Herald.
WEARY OF MUSIC.
Mrs.
Warble (pettishly) "Why, you
often asked me to sing that song twice
before we were married!"
Mr. Warble (weariiy) "Yes; we were
two then aad are one now. I guess
once is enough to till the bill at this time."
Judge. .
ti NOT LIVING IP TO 1119 CONTRACT.
r Minnie "Lord de Liverus, whom
Clara Ducketts' married in Europe last
summer, refuses to visit America
with her."
Mamie "How provoking! ' After
purchasincr him, she is not . allowed to
exhibit him. Poor girl!" Puck.
WAITING M ' KE8 THE WAITERS.
'Hullo. Cadley," said Bronson, enter
ing the restaurant, "how are you?"
"Pretty well."
"What are you doing now "
"Well, when I came in here two hours
ago I was not on business; but I've
changed some since ; I'm a waiter just
now." Bazar.
AFRAID HE WOCt.D MISS HIM.
Tiier was a pistol duel between Smith
and Jces. Jones fired apd missed
Smith, whereupon Smith raised his
weapon to take aim, and said pleasantly
to his opponent :
"Jones, would you be eo kind as to
step a little nearer, as I am short-sighted,
and I don't want to miss you if I can
help it." Texas Sittings. -
WHEN SHE SANG "FAREWELL, FOREVER."
"Now, darling, will you grant me
one favor before I go?"
"Yes, George, I will," she suid , drop
ping her eyelashes and getting her lips
in shape. "What is the favor I can
grant you?"
"Only a little song at the piano, love.
I am afraid there is a dog outside wait
ing for me, and I want to scare him
away." Rochester Talisman.
rr EAS'JRES OP IMAGINATION'.
Fogg "There's nothing so delicious
in the world as to Teach out of bed in
the morning to ring for jour valet to
to come and dress you."
Brown "Have ydu a valet?"
Fogg "No, but I have a bell."
"Brown "But what good does it do
you to ring it? No valet will come in
response."
Fogg "That's just the most delecta
ble part of it. As the valet doesn't
come, you don't have to get up." Boston
Transcript.'
CORRECT DIAGNOSIS.
Doctor "Good-morning, Mr. Lover!
What can I do for youf"
3Ir. Lover "I I called, sir, to to
ask for the hand of ol your daughter."
"Humph! Appetite good?"
. "Not very."
"How is your pulse?" ' '
"Very rapid when when I am with
her. Very feeble when away."
"Troubled with palpitation?"
"Awfully, when I think of her."
"Take my daughter. " You'll soon be
cured. Ten dollars, please." New York
Weekly.
TOO TOUGH TO MANGLE.
Officer of railroad receives telegram
and turns to other officer, pale -as death,
" A collision between two specials has
taken place at Pumpkin Hook crossing.
Both were private, consisting of engine
and one car. Both engineers and fire
men escaped by jumping. Cars smashed
to kindling wood.' Oh, tho los3 of life -must
have been horrible" here, you read
the balance. I cannot bear to continue."
Officer No. 2. "Why, it says: 'No
body hurt. One car contained a bicycla
club and the other a football team.' "
New York Mercury.
STRICTLY BUSINESS.
He had obtained a place in a real es
tate office and was doing everything he
could for the interests of his employers,
the other evening he was tat a social
gathering and was asked to sing. He
responded with "Home, Sweet Home."
His friends were a little surprised at the
selection, but he was heartily applauded..
Stepping forward he said:
. "I am glad yu like the song. There
is nothing like 'Home, Sweet Home,1
and let me say that the company I rep
resent is selling them on terms to suit
yourself, within twelve minutes' ride of
the city. If you don't want to live there
it's the chance of your life for an inves'.
ment." Washington, Pott.
THE BABY HAS ACHIEVED CALMNESS. '
Doctor's Son (rushing into his father's
office) "Papa! oh, papa "
Doctor Ponderous "My son, how
often have I told you not to disturb me
when I am reading or writing? Wait
till I have finished what will be a really
helpful article for the Family Physician
on 'The necessity of promptness in emer
gencies,' and I will attend to you. Sit
down, my son, aud learn calmness of
your father. Sit down, sir! (Half an
hour later.) Now, my son, I shall be
happy to attend to your communica
tion." Son (with great calmness) "I wished
merely to remark, sir, that the baby was
choking, that mamma had gone out, and
that nurse was so frightened she just
stared and never offered to touch her."
Judge. '
HE WAS THE MAN.
As a peddler of rugs was passing a
house on Joy street a wiman opened the
door aud called to him: -
"You man, there say."
lie halted and looked at her and saw
the grim determination in her eye. r
"Ain't you the same young feller that
sold me a rug las spring?"
He was, but something in her ' voice
made him forget to tell the truth.
"No'm, this is a new route for
That mus' have been Soapy Jim.
tae.
He's
out of the bis ness now." '
"I reckoned it was you," persisted the
jyoman; "think a spell. It was a red
and yaller rug with a green border, and
I paid for it once a week for two months.
I do believe you're the same young
feller."
"Never was in this part of the town
ofore, ma'am," vowed the man.
"Is that so 1 Well, if you'd a been the
same man I was goin' to buy another rug
for myself and one for my sister who is
going to Dakoty, but I wouldn't want to
deal with a stranger. Excuse me for
doubting your word, but you do favor
that youDg man amazingly. I see now
you ain't him."
She went in and shut the door, and he
knew then that ne ma(e toe mistake
of a lifetime. Detroit Free Pre.
If akin; Diamonds Luminous.
"Did you know that diamonds, or
rather, I should say, some diamonds,
have the quality of being luminous?"
isked William N. Kindell, of Boston, at
the Hotel Imperial. "It is a thing that
has only recently been discovered. Out
of 150 diamonds which I saw rubbed on
i pine board at a college experiment, only
. . . - . . .
three were iouna 10 give out ugm.
These showed their luminous quality if
nibbed on a piece of linen or rough
cloth, but the hardest surface of the
board made the light appear more dis-
jtinctlj." Ntw York Tclcyrat,
SHOWING THEM THE TOWN.
JJEIPING STRANGERS TO SEB A
GREAT CITY'3 SIGHTS.
The Work Which is Don by "Cha
peron Bureaus" A New and -Useful
Feature or Metropolitan Life,
The time has passed for the "unpro
tected femjde" to look forward to a visit
to New Y'ork with fear and trembling.
She need not wait the convenience of
any male relative, or write imploring
letters to city friends asking to be met
and taken in just wheu their spare rooms
are full, or they are planning a trip to
Lakcwood. All she has to do is to tend
aipos'.al card to; the chaperon bureaus
a comparatively new feature in New
Y'ork, though long familiar in London
saying wheu she is coming and in what
part of the city she desires to stay. Then
she checks her trunk and starts, with no
'more thought for the morrow than a lily
of the field.
On arriving at the station she is met
by an attractive-looking woman in a
tsilor-made gown, 'who wears a little)
knot'ofblue and white ribbons on her
left breast. This' is the professional
chaperon, and in less than no time bag
gage checks have changed hands, a di
rection has been given to an expressman,
and both women are on their way to the
comfortable boarding house where
rooms haxe been engaged. During the
journey the chaperon chats easily, points
out ' places of interest and inquires
whether the visit is for shopping, pure
and simple, or for amusement, in the
sense ol sight-seeing and meeting with
friends. Such attentions are especially
needed by quite young girls, and most
of all, perhaps, by elderly womeu who
have outlived the love of experiment and
adventure. j '
Arrived at the boarding house, the
chaperon settles all preliminaries, and
either giyes her jcharge such bits of in
formation as may make her independent
in going about town, or promises' to call
at any time she may be needed, cither
ending the connection then and there or
becoming guide, philosopher and friend
for the whole of the stay. ; If the stran
ger be disinclined to look after herself,
the chaperon knows what is" going on at
every theatre'in town, when the; trains
leave for everywhere, which line of
street cars is most convenient, where
every one lives, and all about picture
galleries, libraries and places of interest.
She takes the visitor over the Brooklyn
Bridge, to the top of the big buildings,
and let's her grip her (the escort's), arm
black and blue when they whisk round
a curve on the elevated railroad. She
nearly walks her feet off from shop tc shop
after bargains, and gives her opinion
about bonnets aud gowns wheii desired.
All this time she is bright aud amiable,
never shows herself bored or wearied,
and gracefully ignores the f-ct that she '
is earniug her living by "knbwiug her
New York," and is an agreeable com
panion at so much an hour.
The announcement of the chaperon
bureaus, "All legitimate service promptly
rendered," scarcely expresses the number
of things the energetic women iu charge
do for travelers. They have nicely ap
pointed dressing rooms, where a refresh
ing bath inay be had,; .'r hair dressed and
a different gown assumed if an evening
entertainment is to follow tlie day's
shopping. Parcels are receved . nnd
sent over to the station in time for the
train, telegrams are dispatched, letters
are typewritten and appetizing lunch
baskets are; packed; stewardesses are
tipped, parlor car tickets arc secured
and the novel bought to read on the
way.. Alladin's lamp seems to have
materialized in those jmodest offices, so
promptly i9 the "Certainly, madarae,, in
fifteen minutes," heard in answer to al
most any request.
The lists of available chaperons are
classified according to age, 'religious be-.
I lief and temperament, so that a congenial
j companion is assured, and the most con
I servative need fear no jarring remark or
suggestion. With a laudable desiie to
have plenty of irons iu the fire, "the
managers of these .bureaus recommend
dressmakers, let rooms, do shopping on
commission, retail Turkish bath tickets,
sell some of them investment securi
tics and place advertisements iu news
papers, all at so reasonable a fee that it
is a temptation to let them do',all things
down on 'their catologue jiist.for the fun
of it. . ,
The. most amusing part of it all is that
one bureau keeps a list of men divinity
6tudents and steady college boys who
will perform all' th? above-mentioned
services for the youthful visitor from the
rural regions, without once calling him
"hayseed" or letting him find out how
frightfully bis coat is cut. Ntn York
Recorder.
y'A Snail' Pace,"
"A snail's pace" need not be used
any longer' as a term mure or lew in
definite. By an interesting experiment
at the Florence Polytechnic Institute; a
few days ago the pace was acertaincd ex
actly and reduced to figures, which may ,
now be used by persons who favor the
use of the exact terms. A half a dozen
of the mollusks were permitted to crawl
between two points ten feet, apart, and
from this the average pace was acer
.tained. In working the calculation into
feet, yards, rods, furlongs and mile it
was found that it would take a small
snail exactly fourteen days to crawl a
mile. St. Jj&ui Republic.-
Tvo Thousand Times an Inventor.
John Y. Smith, of Doylcstown, Penn:,
has the record of having made over 2000
inventions. The principal one is
vacuum air brake; the others mainly re
late to a line of machinery, fie is ,now
working in the sphere of . photography,
endeavoring to discover way to photo
graph in natural colors. Mr. Smith is a
Jare man with gmy beard, and is about
sixty years old. He has made an im
mense fortune through his inventions,
and has been honored in many ways by
the crowned heads of Europe in recog
nition of his services to progress. -Time-2)emaerat.
V
t