North Carolina Newspapers

. . g;---- , -, . -TTiTm ; " 1 Charlotte Democrat. AS 11 BEL B. KIMBALL, )EdU II. E C. BRYANT, pail'8- CHARLOTTE. N. C. Thursday, June 4, 1896, The College Graduate A few mornings ago the Charlotte Ob server made an "unasked for commence ment oration" to the class of '96. After telling the trials and troubles of the col lege girl or boy it concludes by saying: "But you have all just learned toswim. The ocean is ahead of you. In five, ten or fifteen years you will hardly know as much as you think you do now." You have just learned to swim. The ocean is before you. Those are the bad sentences that tell the tale of a college graduate. As be or sne sits beneath the beautiful shades of the trees in the coin lege campus and looks out on the ocean of life the way seems strewn with flo were and all that tends to make one happy. But it is not true. The way is rough and rugged and bard to climb. Too many boys bare smooth sliding while in college and think the same should be true out in the cold world. You will find it different. You must not anticipate easy success, for it is not to be bad that way. You have learned to swim but have not tried the ocean, lie member that while you have spent ten years in getting equipped for life, your brother has bad ton years of experience in the real battle. Say, you wish to enter a bank and learn that business. No college that you can attend, will place you on a par with the boy who entered the bank when you entered school ten years ago. He has the advantage of ten years of experience over you. You may have to serve for several years as ap prentice under him whom you term uned ucated, but later you will become his su perior. Your systematic collegiate training will prove to be the means of your grasping the situation and early taking the lead from the fellow worker who had gained the high position by constant application. So it is in all business. The man with experience and education combined, all other things being equal, will in the long run take the lead. But ho can not do it with a bound. Too many college bred boys who really have the natural gifts and the college training to make leaders among men, often fall short of thoir work by aiming too high just after leaving col lege balls. He expects his education to carry him on to unbounded success. It takes more than that, it takes push, pas tience and pluck, and a plenty of each then the road is hard and full of disap- flBTftltrfffef WTieu one looks back four or five years and sees the boys, who in oolloge had push, perseverenco and ap. plication and a lack of brightness and aptness that many others had, today, taking the lead in the affairs of life, real izos the importance of sticking to it with all the force you have. Take tho graduating class of Chapel Hill this year. What will they do for a livel-hood? Most of them in their minds, have map ped out their courses, but how long will it take an evil wind or a good wind to blow their plans to the four-wiuds? The professions are all full when you view them at short range, but there is room at the top. How many can get there? that is the question. Some for a lack of funds will teach school till they can study law or medicine or the ministry. How long will it take them to getenough to study anything for a year, teaching school ? He can't save enough in ton years. But tho experience wbilo teach ing, and the timo he can dovote to the study of his professions make up for the lack in many respects. Tho member of the class of '94 at the University, who is doing better than any other of tho class, . from a financial standpoint is a farmer. Here is where the college graduate is neoded Hero is whero he can use his education to the best advantage; here is where he can evince a great political moral, and religious influenco here is the open field for him. Mecklenburg would soon take the lead if every boy who takes a col logiate course would return to his homo to bo a tiller of tho soil. Hundreds of acres are lying uncultivated today in this country for lack of more farmers. The throngs of whites who have joined ihe factory forces, and the crowds of blacks that are flooking to thetowns.aro leaving tho country in the hands of a mighty good class of people. They are of the first ranks. That is why the farm is the place for the educated young man. Fill the places left vacant by the ones who are leaving the fsrms. Build schools and churches in every community. The farm and the pulpit are tbo places forth educated boys that are leaving the col leges by the thousands. We long to see the break made by some c urageous band of them. Long life to them with abundant success. i "A striking illustration ol the influ ence of fatigue upon the nervous system' says Modern Medici n, "is afforded by an experiment conducted by an Italian phy sician some months ago. Twenty-four bioycle riders who bad ridden thirty two miles in two hours and a quarter were examined with reference to their hear ing, and it was in nearlv everv rasa found to be defective. After two hours, rest the hearing bad become normal in most of them.' Sciantiic American, Thi First Qcistion. Applicant I un demand, madam, that you desire to emt !Ioy the chaperon for your daughter? Mrs. Croesus Yes; I do. Can you ride a bioycle? Somervitte Journal. 1 1 ' ' " ' ' - - . -m w TmtnCI I THE LUTHERAN COLLEGE. Charlotte has gained the Lutheran College. She has the Presbyterian CoK lege also. This is an important stage in the growth of the city and the establish ing of these two institutions here should be hailed with joy and pride. Nothing can still the industrial growth now so buoyant in the town, but the idea of making Charlotte an educational centre has not heretofore been duely consider ed. But, now, we seem to begin to realize the importance of such bigb class work as the two new colleges will cer tainly do. Now as the south grows with bounds industrially no better place cculd be selected than Charlotte to citablifeh a high class Industrial school. A school that can accomidate 4 or 5 hun dred pupils. A school well equipped with laboratories and libraries. Why should a Charlotte boy go to Philadelphia to learn machinery? Now the ball has started to rolling let its motion be accel erated! The Lutheran college means a great deal within itself. Thousands of dollars will be turned into the channels of trade from the hands of the girls that gather from all sections of the country to attend the college. Hundreds of the best kind of families with means and intelli gence will come here and settle to edu cate their children. Already many have written from various sections of the United States concerning homes here. The sight is a beautiful one. The old warstime-oaks that crown the hill give it charm that nothing else could give. The fact that Gen. Thos Polk once owned the land upon which the college is to be built makes it of historic interest. The land all around the site is rich and fertile, and produces a great variety of crops. The farms, as far as the eye can see in all the directions of the compass are of the best kind. The farms are always well tilled and the results profita ble. These are no small items when you consider the extent of the college. The College is not for a limited section, but the scope is unlimited and the probabili ties are that girls will couie from every Southern state, and many Northern and Western states will be represented. What does this mean? Girls when they attend school do not close their eyes to all that is out side of the college walls Far from it. They are on the alert to view the country its soils and its inhabitants No one will fear the result that will come from the stories told by the Lutheran school girls after viewing their surroundings. We know of no greater advertisement for Charlotte than this school. It comes in a good time. It comes under the auspices of a good, thrifty, moving, entergetic sect of people, Charlotte made a mighty stride when she secured the school. Mow many as'clbzens'bf "beautiful sites for colleges and schools, and It has a people with open hoarts ready to receive and foster tb em. Let more come That address by Dr. Mott to the faithful, sets forth a creed of shining sim plicity. Only ono article of faithl No more elabarato political creeds! Glorious free silver! Thou art the unity for which the philosophers have sighed! Nature's own panacea for currency ills, and the veritable emdodiment ol all things hoped for. Henceforth away with polit ical parties, and your labyrintbian intri cacies about the economic harmonies, banking functions and balances or trade. Let all rally to the war cry of free silver. Simply believe in free silver: that is all. Not a question of reason, but of faith; and in thinking that like other concep tions, it will bear critical and rational in vestigation is where the fools err. To embrace tLis sublime idea unquestioning ly is essential to strength in tho faith. To ponder is to falter! Aye, it is lilipu tian philosophy and is fatal. TAX LEVY. Figures Made by the Commis sioners for the County. The following tax levy wa3 made by the board of commissioners Thursday for the year 1896: County tax- General purpo-es on every $100 23 Special " s Convict " " is' Road ' ........07 Total couutytaxes 57 The Legislature of J1895 made the following levy which is in addition to the abovt: State General taxes on $100 21 s State Taxes on $IC0 for pensions ..." sQ 8tate School taxes on $100 18 ToUl State and school taxes 43 The total tax levy for the State and coantv purposes is the same as that of 1895, aggregating ti.iu an every f iw worm or taxable property. At this session the board of commissioners will adopt the books to be used by the Dublic schools of the county. The matter was taken up Monday and continued until Tuesday. la a StraDire Coffin Burial Service 0 ver Mass of Steel. Poughkeepaie Star. One of tbe strangest coffins avr tnlrt of is that for which tbe British war de partment 18 said to be reannnnihlA ' TK story is that a workman engaged in cast- ing menu mr mo manuiacture oi ordnance in tbe Woolwick arsenal lost his balance and fell into a caldron containing twelve tons of molten steel. The metal was at white beat and the man was utterly con sumed in lees time than it takes to tell it. Tbe war department authoriti hM conference and decided not to profane .1 -1 91 . . iue ueaa oy using ine metal in tbe man ufacture of ordnance, and tha mKa nf metal was actually buried and a Church of England clergyman read the services for the dead over it. - Health and happiness are ielative condition;; at any rate, there can be little happiness without health- To give the body its full measnre of strength and energy, the blood should be kept pure and vigorous, by tie use or Ayer's 8am-prllla. 2ptu tjttawl'jttjc cmotvai, Was the Meaning of the Qnay-MeKlniey Conference The Charge Against Minis ter Tercel Is General Unfitness, Though It Probably Has Little Basis in Fact The Impression Gaining Ground That Free Silver Will Control at Chicago Congress Will Probably Adojo urn June 8ih. Washington, June 1. Senator Quay bas been tbe principal topic of talk at the Capitol and in pretty nearly all the other quarters. He moves around with an in vestiture of unusual importance, but be theds little light as to the object of bis visit to Gov. McKinley. It bas been de veloped that he was invited to Canton and that tho visit was not due to a pre vious suggestion on his part. It has been made apparreot that by accepting the in vitation be bas laid plans wnereDy inns Ma free and Dave Martin, who bad been Axnanted tonarcel out tbe patronage of the Pennsylvania republicans, will bo shorn of their anticipated power. In ad dition to killing this bird, Senator Quay will probably got back again to tne chairmanship of tbe Kepublihan Natios nalC ommittee. it is said yuay is not consumed with anxiety-" on McKinley's money views. Quay is a sound money man, but not an extremist, and is under stood to stand about where McKinley does. Morever he approves of McKin ley's silence at this time under the press sure of those who are not seeking light, but political advantages. He is a man of well calculated silence himself, and the exhibition of self restraint that Mckinley has shown is said to havo had great in fluence in bringing Quay to his candi dacy. Politics every day, pracitical politics is the meaning of the Quay Mc Kinley conference. Under ordinary cir cumstances Mr. Quay would probably have played his "presidential quantity" game out. But extraordinary circum stances have changed tbe whole face of things for him ad for others. One of those popular movements which men ever-forsee, and which few men for long ever essay to resist, has pointed out the party's preference, and Quay bows to that. He may be bowing in time, too, it is thought to accomplish his main ob jects. It is stated upon good authority that Mr. Quay desires to return to the chairmanship of the Republican National committee. In the first dace, he feels that he has been forced out of the place by unfair means. And in the second place the Harrison and Morton campaign developed his full power as a party man. acer. and the work has fascinated him He is acknowledged to be a good gen eral. He plans and executes equally wel A campaign on protection lines, with the apDostle of protection as the candidate would Dut him on his mettle. His friends would be on their guard to see that tho razzle dazzle of 1888 was not repeated in his case, but that the eminent laborer should be properly remembered in any division of favors. But it is for McKin lev and Mr. Hanna to sav. Will it be 0 chairman Quay again this year? The serious chareres filed with Presi dent agipHojiA.W. TjeLriL'i--P-nl of a great deal of comment, both at the State Department and at the Capitol. It it well known that accusations of more or less importance have been made against Mr. Torrell ever since American troubles began. The revival of the mat ter is received with particular resentful' ness by the friends of Minister Terril here. All who know him bold that he is one of the most polished of Southern gentlemen, very cultivated and extremely careful in his conversation, and any inti mation, they say, that he could ever have been rough or course or vulgar, could but be notoriously untiue. But the Com miuee wnicn visnea me jrresiaent in connection with the charge was compos ed 01 men 01 such prominence that bearing could not be denied them. It can be said, however, on the highest authority that tbe charges have not im 1 . 1 r 1 paired tne connaence ana esteem in which the President and Secratary of State hold the Minister to Turkey, or the satisfaction they feel at his conduct of public affairs at tho Sublime Porte. Mr Terrill himself undoubtedly feels keenly tbe inbibilious placed upon him by the rules of diplomatic nervine which prevent him from detending bimault publicly against charges either directly or indi rectly made. Ihe charges are to the effect that he is, in a general way, unfit for the place ho ocupiea. It happens simply that tbe missionaries do not re 1 1 1 1 . . garu aim &b Doing equal 10 eucn an iin- partant post as that of Constantinople They say he is a man of low habits, that be is addicted to proiane language, and that he is chronically impolite to them It is stated at the State Department that Minister Terrill bas not been called upon to defend himself, and it is not likely mat ne win oe. The McCail immigration bill which has at last been favorably acted upon by the House of Representatives, is regarded as a step in tbe right direction. It has long been evident that unrestricted im migration was an evil of threatening large dimensions. The McCail bill pro vides for the exclusion of male aliann who being between the ages of sixteen and sixty years, cannot both read and write either the iSnshsh or seme other language. One section of tho measure will be noted with interest in the region of our northern boundary. It malms it unlawful for any alien to enter the United States for the purpose of engag ing in a mechanical trade or manual labor, while residing or retaining his home in a foreign country. The bill is uot all it should be, but it is better tbau any statuo we can now have. Its value can hardly be estimated until it bas had a fair trial, and that it is likely to have; for the Senate seems now to be inclined to go quite as far as will tbe House in any legislative endeavor to improve the imigrativo quality. be impression is gaining ground with more persistency than ever that the frA silver Democrats may show a strong con. irui ki. iub vynicago convention. This has caused some revival of the talk that Senator Teller may be the nominAA nf the Democratic party on a silver plat form. There is of course no possibility of this outcome. If the Democratic rnn. vention should declare for the free coin age of silver, it is the general impression that the proposed Populist Convention at St. Louis on July 22 will be abandons ed. Uut the administration peonle are going to make the fight of their lives for gold at Chicago, and 1 am inclined to tbink- tbe ropulists will have to bold their Convention after all. Tbe condition of legislative business leaves little room for doubt as to tbe speedy adjournment of Congress. It is tbe estimate of tbe conservative torcastera that tbe gavel will finally fall at noon on tbe 8th day of June. Meantime the prospect is unexpectedly fair for a good grist of new laws. Senator Stewart is true to bis 16 to 1 doctrine even in its smallest details. His daughter's marriage ceremony was set for May 16 at 1 o'clock. Mr. Quay is said to hold tbe proper power of attorney not only for himself but also to negotiate for Mr. Piatt. Steel Boads. Tbe latest suggestion for an improved form of roadway comes from Mr, Budd, the commisioner of public roads of New Jersey. In bis report to the govenor Mr. Budd recomends that steel be used in tbe construction of roads both in towb and country. Some of tbe best author ities predicted that the coming material for highways will be steel, but just ex actly bow it is to be used tbey did not say. In Mr. Budd's plan, broad steel rails are to be placed for tbe accomodation of traffic where the travel is greatest, while tbe remainder of tbe road can be made of granite or wood. . The average cost of macadamized road 16 feet wide is about $7,000 a mile The cost of a double track steel road 16 feet wide, filled in with broken stone, macad amlze, the comissiooer puts at 96,000 a mile. A one track road would only cost $2,000 a mile. Tbe rails, which are really flat plates of metal, are made of steel the thickness of an ordinary boiler plate, gutter shaped, five inches or more wide, with a square perpendicular shoul der half an inch bigb, and then an angle one inch outward, slightly raised, thus forming a conduit for water and render ing it easy for the wheels to leave or en ter tbe track. The advantages claimed for the metal road are: First, great durability; second, a horso can draw on a steel track twenty times as much as on a dirt road, and five times as much as on tbe best macadam. The tracks should really be very much like a horse car track, were it not for their much greater breadth and tbe slight, sloping rib instead of ihe high rib of the street car track. There would be no wrenching of wheels and bending of axles, such as a car track aften causes, and the wheels would roll on and off tbe steel track or plate with tbe greatest ease. Another feature in tbe steel rail idea is the absence of jolting, whioh ruins the wagon. The principle part, however, which would be gained is the great durability of the steol road. Even the hardest granite is rapidly worn down. Holes and Tuts form, and once formed, rapidly become larger, until costly repairs are necessary to make traveling even possible. The steel tracks would be cheap, easily re newed and almost everlasting; while the material between them need only be some cheap roadmaking soil. The rails would take up all the wear and the soi between would furnish good drainage Other tracks nearer tbe curb might be added for tbe accomodation of bicyclists who would not then bo jolted nearly to death, as they are in going over uneven granite blocks, Tbe steel tracts idea is . v -vir uiftur TTnCTgeB" piates nave Deen laid along that part o the road where travel is greatest. The curbs of the bridges in London are lined with steel to prevent the grinding away of the stone by cart wheels. Steel road ways would work wonders in regulating street tramc. For city purposes the steel road would have to be laid with great solidity. Tbe latest pavements of Belgium blocks in New York are more solidly constructed than any other road, but it is hard work to keep them level. On Broadway, blocks 01 tbe best Main granite resting on solid concrete a foot thick are firmly bound together by sharp road sand and asphalt. In the steel road the tracks would be laid on cross ties of steel, with ail interstices filled in by concrete and water proof cement. Northeastern Lum berman. Terrors Of tbe Buddhistic Hell Punish ment For Unrighteousness. St. Louis Republic The place of torment to which all wicked Buddhists are apt to be assigned on tbe day ot final reckoning is, provided such a thing is possible, a more terrible place of punishment than the Christian bell is supposed to be. The Buddhistic bell is a sort of apartment house, divid ed into eight "easy stages." In the first the poor victim is compelled to walk for untold ages in bis tare feet over bills thickly Bet with red-hot needles, points upward. In the second stage the skin is carefully filed or rasped from tne body, and intating mixtures are applied. In tne imrd stage tbe nails, hair, and eyes are plucked out, and the denuded body sawed and planed into all sorts of fantas tic shapes. Tbe fourth stage is that of "sorrowful lamentations." In the fifth tbe side of the body and tbe denuded head are carefully roasted. Yoma. the Beddhist:c S&tan, superintending tbe work. In the sixth stage, tho arms are torn from the body and thrown into an immense vat among the eyes, nails, and hair previously removed. Then in plain hearing of the sore-footed, blind, maimed, roasted, and bleeding victim, the whole horrid mass is pounded into jelly. In the seventh stage the other side of the victim and bis feet are roasted brown; and then comes the eighth and last stage, in which the candidate is. thrown into tbe bottomles pit of perdition. m- - - - - When lovely women overworks. And finds too late her health gives way. What charn can soothe her melancholy? What art can rxde ihe pain away One of tbe saddesi cases a physician meets, is that of some sweet, modest woman, who in striving to make her home life happy, has overtaxed her deli cate constitution, until her health is so completely broken down, that her every moment is misery. Natural feelings of delicacy, prompt her to defer consulting a physician until the most serious results ! have ensued. Dr. Pierce's Favorite Pre scription removes the necesity of any embarrassing consultation with a physi cian. Dr. Jfierce has devoted a long ac tive life to tbe closest study ot woman's diseases, and no specialist in tbe world is Deuer ntted to prescrtbe tban be. Com plete directions are given with each bot tle. For periodical pains, bearing down sensations, nervous debility and all uter us disorders, "Favorite Prescription" is a sure cure. When the scalp is atrophied, or shiny-bald, no preparation will restore the hair ; in all other cases, Hall's Hair Benewer will start a growth (SliujclaiU. jU THE TIME TO LAUGH. A True Philosopher's Gnid& Reflections on the Laws of 'Appropriate Laughter Sunday N. Y. Sun. Law and order, says tbe wise woman, are wonderful things. Tbey will inspire awe if properly contemplated. The taste for so contemplating them i, however, like the taste for tabacco, not innate, bnt acquired. To tbe natural man, him of I the as yet non spiritual body, they made but scant appeal. Tbe natural man is, in these times and lands, usually a boy, and be evinces bis indifference to the majestic beauty of system in uncounted ways. One way in which he manifests his objection to system is in bis laughter. He laughs when be chooses, at what be chooses, and, for the most part, where he chooses. As, however, the wise woman contin ues, the crude, unpolished boy of fourteen develops through spiritualizisg influ ences of polite society into the well-polished man of thirtyfour, he acquires for law a reverence wbicb amounts almost to a passion. He governs the whole course of bis life by rule, not his work merely, but even bis pleasures. Think of it! Nothing is left to the chance direction of impulse or spontaneity, not even a laugh. The untrained boy laughed when be chose. Society laughs when laughter is appropriate, and has fixed rules defin ing the word "appropriate." The nature of these rules for laughter is so mysterious to the uninitiated that an ignoramus in tbe society lore, a learn ed philosopher, for example, on trying to enter the charmed circle would probably find his sense of humor even more in need of discipline than bis taste in necks ties. Tbe question between tbe dress coat and the Tuxedo would bo but as the metric system in its simplicity compared with tbe complex integral calculus of tbe question when to laugh, when to keep silent. Society might be induced to pardon or possibly to adore as an eccen tricity even a bathrobe at dinner, but any unconventionally in a man's sense of honor marks its owner as a bore. Society.s joking habits are of long stand ing. They warrant respect and must be treated with tact. There are certain subjects tho philosopher must learn, which ho must never treat with common sense and which he must greet with laughter whenever any similarly trained person mentions them. These are tbe permanent jokes, tbe jokes that are al ways laughable. Their humor does not depend, the philosopher should observe, upon any originality of treatment. It lies in themselves. As tbe snake is in nately repulsive to man, so these subjects are intrinsically humorous. Take the idea of an unhappy marriage; that is an intrinsically humorous idea. It is brought out in various ways. One way that is very popular is to have Brown say: "Hellow, Soner! Going out of town, eh? Wife going with you?" And to have Jones answer: "No; going-on a r 1 -r .iuio - niwjuae gains an added flavor if the marriage is be tween an impecunious English nobleman and an American heiress. Any littie slur that can be cast upon a husband's inattention to his wife is particularly taken, as; "Whose that with De Smythe " "His wife." "That can't be; 1 saw him pick up her fan a moment ago." "They've only been married a fortnight," or "He's just received the bill." Either ending is witty. Another intrinsically laughable sub ject is women. Anything about a wo man who said anything mean about an other woman, or any mistakes that wo men make iu banking, or anything about their curiosity, or their fondness for changing their minds, or their inan bihty to cook, or the cost of their bon nets is irreeistably funny. Take that woman who overdrew her bank account and sent a eheck on the same bank to pay ber debt. Hadn't Bbe amusod you for years? Aren't you fond of hei? Certain cities, too, are very amusing Boston and Philadelphi 1 and Chicago. There is, of cocree, but one joke about FERTILIZERS, O OUR MANY FRIENDS AND CUSTOMERS- As successors to Messrs. E. B. Snrincra Xr rv ... 1 . . you for past favors. r Haviug large resources we are able Onr Stock of Vehicles In its assortment. Ktvla quality, is second to no concern in North Carolina. It will pay you to look through our stock before purchasing, not that we are selling at cost or making any sacrifices, but that our prices are better than many merchants "cost" sales; better than others pay for them. Large quanti ties get best prices, best freight rates, and when discounts are taken off, our cost price is away under the average. Here's where our success no Vehicles comes in. Boston and Philadelphia. To call Bos ton cultuied and Philadelphia slow is this joke. It is quite generally made by hRinr some Bostonian speak Greek, and by mentioning that the Philadelphians are just getting ready to go to the World's Fair or to some other well known and long past event. Sometimes men combine Chicago and Boston in one joke. A fa'vorite method of doing this is to have a Chicago three year old babe say to a Boston three-year-old ditto, "Them's 'um," and to have tbe Boston babe reply haughtily, "These are they. There are two Chicago jokes. One is that Chicago annexed a great deal of territory in a short time and tbe other is fairly hide-splitting in its humor, for it combines tbe delicate mirtb-provoking charm connected with any, even the briefe&t, mention of women with tbe idea ot size and of Chicago women. Another method of making tho city joke is to have an inhabitant of one of them go to heav en and remark that it is "very nice, but it isn't" Boston or Philadelphia or Chi cago which ever his city may have been. This rendering is sometimes made sHl more complex by sending a second des seasedtojoin the first deceased in his post-mortem home. Then ensues the following conversation: Second Deceased Well, old map, bow do you like it here, now' that' youre real Iy settled? ' ": First Deceased - Oh, very much. The climate is really better than ours used to be, but I miss the trolleys somewhat. Of course, heaven isn't quite Boston. Second Deceased (alter a solemn pause, and in significant tones) This isn't bea ven? Any list of permanent jokes must, of course, mention the plumber, tbe gas-fitter, and the artist. The philosopher must train himself to hail all these mirth provokiag names with glee. -The amus ing thing about tbe plumber is that his charges are bigb. This item of expense is also amusing when it is mentioned in connection with a gas-fitter. It losses all suggestion of the humorous, however, when it is found in connection with either a cigar or bicycle dealer. There is a deli cate distinction in these matters which the philosopher will do well to observe. As to artists, the funny thing about them is that they sometimes paint poor pic tures. A complete analysis of the permanent jokes seems with man's present limitations impossible. Tbe most familiar things of life defy analysis. The main subjects have, however, been mentioned and pre sent an almost unlimited variety when it is remembered that not only are these subjects themselves humorou, but they gain in humor by being combined. Could ono only combine them all make, for instance, an impecunious English earl and a Chicago-footed American heiress, who had been educated in Boston and was living in Philadelphia, marry, for wealth and title respectfully, then mako the plumber's bill for renovating tbe mediae val style of washbowls prevalent on tbe English family estate greater than the amount of the heiress's dower; work in a gas-fitter and make the groom mistake sheep for cows in a painting presented by an artist friend, and, if possible, have the bridegroom send one of his wife's biscuit - &vFtv7gtnu ntiat pOSBlUlIItieS lie spread before one ! Leaving now these good old permanent jokes, good for all time, we would indi cate to the poor stray philosopher an other class ot jokes, likewise permanent in a sense, for they can never be said to die, but to be called more properly "an., nuals," beoause tbey are ripe only at cer tain seasons in each year. There is the joke about tbe girl and the mistletoe and the small boy's letter to Santa Claus, and there are tbe football jokes and the jokes about the june graduates, and how mistaken they are in thinking that they know anything. Then there is tbe joke about tbe summer girl and ber engage ments and how she is "not at hoae'' in the fall, and the joke about tbe pereo nially ignorant young man from the city who never can learn anything about ihm country, and asks if fish b:.tes are poixob ous or mistakes potatoes for wheat. He is captivating. Besides the annuals there is another variety of jokes which are sometimes Children Crvfnr Pitohav'A n.4.-i 252 205 SODTH COLLEGE STREET. VEHICLES AND 0 D 1 Jour continued good to be headquarters in all our lines. On Piedmont Wagons Weaiealso headquarters. Our Mr. bPEDfos being president of that concean, our prices must necessarily be right We know that our "PIEDr,10NT"flAG0NS are made of selected material, dry seasoned. They are nearer to per fection now than any wagon on this market. Try one. n?Trents for the genuine COLUMBUS BUGGIES. funny and sometimes not, . but the humor of these is not dependent upoo tbe seasons. - - There are some jokes that are amoeing when ladies are present but babyish when men are alone. In return for these there are joke, that lose all their bumor and would produce merely a look of bored endurance tbe moment a lady enters tbe room Nothing with a damn in it is ammueiog in t presence of a lady, although the whole essence of its humor may lie in the word "damn'' when tbe lady is absent. The philsopher must disabuse his mind of the idea that humor remains humor under all circumstances. There are some jokes which depend for their humor on the presence of their subjects, and others which loose all fla vor the moment their subject enter. For example it is highly laughable t0 remark in tbe presence of a lawyer that after . lawyer is dead he "lies still," but one sees no point in the remark if tbe lawyer is absent. The Englishmen joke, on the contrary, lo ses its existeno on the ar rival of the Englishman. Even in that story ,in which we have all delighted, the one about tbe Englishman who saw no humor in the sign "Three miles to Yon kers if you can't read inquire of the blacksmith," and finally explained his American friend's laughter by saying J'Aw. I .see .the blacksmith might have been out, causes an effect of postive gloom upon all American hearers when Englishman are present. The Englishmen seem frequently to relish it very much. Just here it is well to sug gest to the philosopher, since otherwise he would probably seo no reason for do ing so that it is customary in all Anglo American stories to make tbe English, man the man who fails to Bee the Joke. Tbe American joking habit makes this demand. There aro also some jokes that are like patent leather shoes, sometimes "in," sometimes "out." No philosopher could learn why. Puns are of this class Once every one laughed at them, theu no one laughed at them. Now peo pie laugh at some and not at others. Any particularly meaningless pun such as: "The maiden slept. The artist came and with his yellow ocbre," is very laugh able just now. Besides tbe permanent jokes and the annual jokes that pass and reappear in tbe changes of fashion, there are other jokes which. appear to bloom gayly for a season and then pass into darkness forever. The dry Sunday joke was of this sort; tbe bloomer girl can scarce hold out a twelvemonth more, but just follow ber predecessor, tbe typewriter joke, into tbe river. Tbe new woman joke will join ber here too, some day perhaps with its ever occuring "God made her, let her pass for a man." It is these jokes tbat will perplex tbe philosopher most, and advice about them is hard to give. The X-ray jokes seem good for sometime yet, and any of the new political jokes will of course call for laugb'er. In general we should advise tbe philosopher, until he loses tbe philo sopher in the social star, to keep in bis own talk, quite strictly to the old, well established, oft-tried permanent jokes,and to greet those of tbe other varieties that he hears in tbe talk of others with a look of nouromcnt'8Dd a smile, resermg his laugh until he gets a cue from some more practiced auditor. Comparative Cotton Statement. The following is the comparative cotton statement for tbe week ending May 29th: 1896. porta. 18,174 1895 27,614 7,899,344 65,871 6,361.468 623,274 35,634 1,642,000 Net receipts at ail U.S. Total receipts to date. 5,080,085 Kxports for tbe week, Total exports to this date, Stock in all U. S. ports, Stock at all interior towns. Stock in Liverpool, American afloat for Great Britain, 36,986 4.244.838 836,650 63,232 1,008,000 35,000 78,000 The Total Visible Supply of Cotton. NewYokk, May 30. The total visible supply of cotton for tbe world is 2,729,991 bales, of which 2,221,791 bales are Amer ican, against 3,762,752 bales and 3,384,552 respectively last year. Receipts of cotton this week at all interior towns 17,755 bales. Receipts from tbo plantations none. Crop in sight 6,743,282 bales. STORAGE CHARLOTTE, N. C, January 7, 1896. will and patronage, and beartilv thank On Charlotte Fertilizers. . We are again headquarters. Hav ing the agency for that immense con cern, The Charlotte Oil and Fertili zer Co., we are prepared to make best prices, quality considered, of any firm. The immense trade on ova Charlotte Fertilizers is proof of their high grade and good results. We have hundreds of testimonials gladly furnished us by those who have used the Charlotte Fertilizers and having used them, were bene ntted. Call and see us at 205 S College Street.