Newspapers / The Charlotte Observer (Charlotte, … / Sept. 11, 1921, edition 2 / Page 5
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THE .CHARLOTTE NEWS, CHARLOTTE, N. C, SUNDAY MORNING, SEPTEMBER 10, 1921. i . . 'r ' ' ; : : i ' ' r : : LARDNER WEEKLY LETTER OFFICE-CAT The Experimental Couple and the Three Off -shoots il By Ring W. Lardner ( By GEORGE ADE. ! f 1 B I It's A Wild Life If You Don't Weaken i '.c Wiitor: ; ! to work cn a newspaper once t ;he editor of it always said It was rs-wspaper's' duty to always tell the , the whole truth and expose all .,; of wham and etc. and that a news prr man was remiss In their duty If v failed to show up any piece of that was being put over lrre-:-.".U'fs of 'who it hit. vi! friends, if that editor was cor then it looks like it was my patn viuty to say a few words in regards boys that are writeing this na i s songs and whom I am sorry to v M ve "took advance of their posi--,i and made a lot of statements that - ltd their clients astray in regards various aspects of our national life ; customs some of which has proved -':v to people that is innocent enough vievo that if a. song writer said so -n be true. I will not waste no time refuteing i- more trivial fa!c hoods of the lyric -.vr. like for Inst, the one of the ef r that nil girls has blue eyes and .: everybody's mother lives in a ivory -red cottage below the Mason nad ;xon lines and don't do nothing but r on the front porch all day and blub- Prevarications like these) kind is harmless necause most people generally t .-.'ways rinds out for themselves that It i s-ir.'t true but even if they go all .v Through life believing it, why they ain't v rr.'.eh hurt. But it's a more serious : proposition when a man draws every t :h:r.:r he has got out of the saveings 1 ':r. :k and makes a trip to Honolulu on .u-:. of the sorg writers haveing led ' ;v:v. to believe that all Hawaiian dames I ocautiful and when he gets there H -a sees them and thinks of the money ! h- spent getting there to see them, v.-.c 'east that can happen to him is a '.rr.fr spell of sickness acompanied by I .;:;:?:r.oss and spots before the eyes. ') '.'ersonly I never fell for the sweet i Hi ' aiian maiden hoax because I hap J :::;! to be out in California a few yrs. : vpfore the ukelele epidemic hit N. Y. I r ty and wile I was there a typical belle r f Honolulu was pointed out to me t when before I knowed who she was I -h. -cht ??ie of Ringling's Strange Peo ; - strayed away from the tent, either ' that or it was a colored ex-middle ,i weight that had 1 een hit once too of- ' ?'. IJ1 j mtV BY JUNIUS COrrIOHT 1921, mrr tOSAR ALLAN MOSS. THAOt MARK' ItCGISTCRCD U. S. AT. OFF. 'I kept trak of how niiny cars went past the house wile I set looking out the window." , ;.jL ten m the nos and was now advertis :e shredded wheat hisc.uts. AFRAXK EXPOSE. However. I am amongst those that Mas gulled by a song written a long wile ago but you still hear it once in a wi'.e and I believed the sentiments ex pressed in it till I learned different and have now made up my mind to expose it though in doing so I will half to say a word or two in legards to my personal tffairs which I hope the reader will ov erlook same. The song which I refer to is ealled "My Wife's Gone to the Country" and ts I remember the autht r of same was jrwnc i-iei i-n wr.ich i will sav in :ns i I cehalf tnat he has got a pretty fair I record for sticking to th truth, but he was not married and what ne put in j the song was due to hearsay and ignor- ince more than any intent to deceive. I For the benefit of those that don't i remember the scng. will say .that tne 1 plot of it dealt with a guy whose Mrs. 1 r.ad left home for a wile and went on t. vacation and the husband was left all alone in the city and was haveing such a good time that he couldn't help I from hollering 4 hoorays m the cho- s rus. the first time I laughed heartily and said how true and etc. and told my friends about the song and what a great song it wa3 and the song always stuck in my head and I don't suppose trey waa a day past in yrs. but what I thought to -myself maybe that will hap pen to me some time, namely that my wife will go to the country and leave me home an 3 I can run around hollering 4 oorays and maybe doubel that num ter. I may as well exclaim that the rea son why I lelt that way about th? S' jig was that when I heard the song I was ! like Mr. Berlin and didn't nave no wife and was running around with the base ball boys and a good many of them vas married which seemed to be just a bother to them. So the firs:, impres sion. I got of the song was that it was a great song and a true song and that impression might of lasted to my dying day only for something that happened last month. Name: my wife went to the coun Iry. She went to the country and sise stayed 2 wks. and as near as I can re member they's only one other period j tide come in and went out 28 times wks. for gayety and that was right af ter congress decided to invite we boys of 31 to 40 yrs. old to participate in what somebody has so aptly nicknamed the world war. WILD EXCITEMENT rt will not be nessary to go ahead and describe the whole 2 wks. royster ing only to say that it begin every morning about 9 o'clock and lasted till all hours of the night up to and in cludeing 8:30 p. m. except the last night when I went to he 11 entirely, drunk 4 cups of, coffee and never got to bed till 10. Dureing these orgys I run through $1.50 and didn't even keep track of where it went to and don't know now. But 1 did keep track of how many cars went past the house wile I set looking out the window and the total number was 1392 of which over 600 rat tled. The total number that stopped to leave visitors could be counted on the fingers of one eel. They was also 138 pedestrians of which 24 looked, at the house but kept on going. The phone rung 47 times. The mail man come 11 times. The LATTICE TO LET. Otis Titus used to notice That his giddy goddess, Lotus Didn't care so much to gad as Seek the shadows with her Otis. Then upspoke this Otis Titua "Let us build a lettice,. Lotus, Lotus, let us have a lattice "Where no spying eye could spot us." Lotus answered: "Let us! Let us." "When the moon had lit us, Lotus In the lattice we could seat us And the world would never notice For the lattice would delete us. "Clad with leaves as light as lettuce We would have this lattice, Lotus, Where the bee would come to loot us. -nd the glow worm light us gratis, But no leering brute could hoot us, And no Brutus could get at us, Lctus, let us have a lattice" "Otis, let u-.," answered Lotus. C. L. Edson, in N. Y. Tribune. What has become of the old-fashioned little girl who, on' arriving at the age of the- grown-ups, , donned long skirts and was quite proud of her change in apparel? Her sartorial short age Is now made shorter. MAGAZINE VERSE. "Do you tahink Owen Meredith could sell 'Lucille' today?" "He might. But they'd have to run it as a serial." THE NEW CAR. Husband Now, in driving tnis car. of course you wlil have tot . chan gears. Wife Why, won't they charge them where we bouglrt the car? Don't ripe- pick a quarrel before it is Rich widows are the most desirable second-hand articles on the market. Well friends, when I heard that song ' in my life which compared with them 2 F.O.B. Detroit rue! mm mm 170,000 Now in Use Built yith over strength in every part; built to withstand the constant strain of heavy duty; tested out under every.condL tion of farm and belt work, and put to actual test by 170,000 owners during the past three years the Fordson Tractor has lived up to every claim made for it. No matter what "the farm task whether plowing, disking, harrowing, threshing, baling hay, grinding feed, pumping water, sawing wood, pulling stumps, fill ing silos, or any of the many other jobs around the farm, the Fordson will not only do and do well, but quicker, easier and at less expense. There are so many different time and money saving ways in which the Ford son can be used that you owe it to your self to get the facts. Come in and see the Fordson, or write or phone for the information. i Etheredge Auto Sales Fourth and Church Streets Blalock Motor Co. 509 South Try on St. Pyramid Motor Co. 403 N. Tryon St. Co. And the Are whistle blowed twice. I said my 4 hoorays all right, but I said the mat the end of the 2 wks. Avith her listening. " A wile ago I referred in these col umns to an article by Geo. Ade on the joys of single blessedness and some of the remarks I made about Geo. may of been kind of harsh but I made them before I went through these 2 wks. of bachelor hood. Now I don't blame Geo. for nothing. I have only sym pathy for him or any other man that when they cut themself s shaveing or when a fuze burns out, they haven't nobody in the house to raise he 11 with for same. I suppose some of my readers when they read' this letter will think to them selves that it was written with a ulte rior motive, namely to salve the Mrs. and flatter her and make her feel kindly towards the writer and etc. Well friends, such suspicions is groundless for the reason that our nup tials contract don't contain no clause provldeing for her to read what I write llveing right up to the letter of the con tract, but no extras. THE SILENT SIX. "Oh, isn't this a grand day for the picnic? So bright and Warm, you know, Are you sure you got the cheese and pickles, deaj? ; I just feel that we've forgotten something. Oh, don't you wish we could do this every day, huh I guess I am an out-of-doors kind of person. I simply love the woods and flowers and things. Dearie, will you please get another bucket of water And while you're up, won't you pass me the salt? That's an old dear. Look out! Oooh! I. thought that hornet wa going to sting you sure. Oh, aon t you wish we could do This every day? Isn't this fun? You watch the chil dren, dear, while I pick some nice bouhgs to sit on. My mother used to always say that I should have been born on a farm. I seem to know instinctively w'hat to do. Look out! Look, out! There's Willie sitting in the Mayonnaise again!" ' We have trailed to their lairs the people who read "Main Street" and play "Ain't We Got Fun" on' the phonograph and found what they do in their spare, time. They name summer cottages. This is written at a lake, and we have among us the following: Bide A Wee, Suitsus, Peg O' My Heart, O So E-Z, Linger Longer. Blue Bird, Wildmere, ' Tumble In, Rest Haven These are samples. Some aren't as bad, some are worse. Point is, if people' name their cottages, why not not their cars? their homes? Why and she is the kind that believes in4 F'r example The Rattler. Old Squeak, Great Neck, Sept. .9. (Copyright, 1921, by The Bell Syndi cate, Inc.) , FINDS WAY TO DECREASE CRIME Chicago Men Chief Promotes for Meritorious Work. Missing Again. Any motorist can think up lots of names that will fit. Experience may- be the best teacher but she seldom finds any apples on her desk. JE , New York, Sept. 10. Charles Fitzmorris, Chicago police chief, who has been in New York studying its po lice communicative system with tha idea in view of further improving Chi cago's system," has returned to his post to further decrease crime al though he has a record of changing Chicago in two years from "the lead ing city in crime" to "the" city with the lowest crime record in the United States." Fitzmorris, who little more than two years ago was merely a. secretary to the mayor of Chicago and who just a bit later that was a newspaper report-) er, today is given credit in a report made by the Chicago crime commission for having made the following state meht possible for publication: "Chicago today has a lower crime record than any other city in the coun try. Two years ago this city had a crime wave that was greater than -that in any other city in the United States. "That is substantially a quotation from the report made by Edwin W. Sims, president of the crime commis sion. And . Sims, by the way, is u banker not connected with the police department in any way while every member of the crime commission is a banker of note; men who are supposed to know the effects of crime. DIDN'T COME FROM RANKS. Fitzmorris didn't come from tho "ranks," but -today he is encouraging a system of "reward for meritorious police service by promotion," believ ing that the man interested in his work is the man who will get the best results! Fitzmorris learned several things as a police reporter and in his association with the department in con nection with his work as secretary to m Mayor Thompson, of Chicago. And here is one of the things he learned: "Citizens look upon a fireman as a man who saves citizens from the flames and who saves citizens' homes, while the same citizens look upon a policeman as a man who arrests them nothing more." This is the cue that started Fitzmor ris on the road to police success suc cess, because crime is greatly on the decrease in Chicago. He started out by teaching his policemen to help cit izens m every way possible; to teach these citizens that the" policeman was not merely on ihand "to arrest them," but to heip them. ' MERIT SYSTEM INSTALLED. To get a policeman to adopt this at titude, Fitzmorris installed a system of promotion that a man was placed au tomatically in line for promotion when he did service of merit. To prevent obstinate policemen, who refused to co operate in the new movement, from hindering the movement by following the old system. Fitzmorris made it au tomatically punishable for a policeman who neglected his duty. Forty-seven railroads center in Chi cago, which has -a population of mere than 3,000,000 persons, In. addition lo a "floating tramp influx" of 750 a day. This is the same population tnat Chicago had three years ago, when the crime wave was at its height. "We reward our policemen when ever their acts are meritorious and punish them when they fail to do their duty," Fitzsimorris said. "We made it mandatory that when a policeman per formed an act of meit he was aut o matically elevated in rank; we teach them to prevent crime rather than trace it down after it is committed " MINISTER IS WARNED TO STOP HIS CRUSADE Newport, Ky.. Sept. 10. "Preach. the Gospel; quit visiting gambling rooms and disorderly nouses. - This warning' was received by the Rev. E. R. Overly, of this city, known as the "fighting parson." For several weeks he has been recounting Sunday after Sunday from his pulpit the things he learned in a visit to alleged resorts within a stone's throw of the Campbell county courthouse. Despite threats. Overly declares he will continue his crusade until offi cials take itup. He has invited the men of the church to accompany him on his next tour of inspection. A Man and Wife had three Male Re-' sponsibilities. The first, named Abra ham Lincoln Tibbetts, wras born while people still remembered the Civil war. His name was promptly abbreviated to Link. The second was christened Ulysses Simpson Grant Tibbetts, in honor cf the Hero who took . Vicksburg and Straight Bourbon. This was too long, so people called him Chub. The third went into the Family Bible as Arthur Tibbetts, but in the inter est of Euphony he was dubbed Art, be cause Art is Long. The Tibbetts Family lived in th City, and Link, the first-born enjoy od all the Advantages of Life in an Apar:- ment Building. He went to a Graded School and pick ed up so much Knowledge that at the age of 12 he could set his Parents down in front of him and tell them Things they did not know At 14 he was so far along that he knew how to lie in Bed and have Ms Mother bring his Breakfast up .to him He went to Dancing School and learn ed to play all the "Ermine" music on the Cottage Organ. Sometimes he chided'Mr. and Mrs. Tibbetts for no havinc aa mnnVi TVTrmov Tnnnv nf the People he met at Dancing Parties He had about as much Application ..s a used-up Porous Plaster. Mr. Tibbetts gave him a Desk at the Office and called him Assistant Something. His Duties consisted of looking at the Clock and writing Notes to the Gazelles he had met the Night before. If he had been set out on the Pavement and told to Root for him self, it would have broken him of the habit of Eating. .Link was whatever they caned a Rummy in 1895. Mr. Tibbetts realized that City Life had an enervating Ef fect on Boys and made them Super ficial and Wise in their own Conceit. Chub was 8 years old and had rib: yet succumbed to the Matinee Habit. so his Parents decided to ship him out to the Green Fields and keep him there until hehad developed a Character. Mr. andMrs. Tibbetts knew that .ill the men of Sterling Worth, mentioned in Political Biographies, had been raised on the Farm. They figured that J if Chub could be left in the country to run with the Live Stock, he would grow up to be a Sturdy and self-reliant Character, with no hankering for Sola Pop and the Military Schottische. Therefore Chub was sent out to live with Uncle Jabez Quackenbush, an Agriculturalist who owned 480 Acres and was still wearing the Army Over coat that the Government had given him when the War broke out. Chuo slept on a Feather Tick up in a Room where they had the Seed Corn hung on the Rafters. Uncle -Jabe would yank him out at 4:30 G. M. .and keep him in the P'ield until early Candle-lighting, so that usually he had two Meals in the Dark. On Sunday he ' and the Hired He p would sit in the Hay-Mow and read Almanacs. In the Winter he attended a District School and learned to bound Patagonia, but he did not go to any demoralizing Shows nor learn to pick up flip Slang. When 'he was 18, he seemed to be past the Danger Period, so Uncle Jabe took him to the Train and told the. Conductor where to, put him off. On the way back to the City he bough c an oval Box of Figs from the Train Boy and lost his Hat out of the win dow. When he arrived at Home- and entered the House, it sounded like a Crowd coming in. His Mother took one Look and fed backward. There was a Neutral Zone between his Vest and Trousers. Also he had been raising Warts on him self. For two Months after he arrived they kept him under Cover for fear the Neighbors would see him. He g?.ve way at the Knees every time he step ped. If a member of the Opposite Sex spoke to him, he usually backed into something Breakable. At the Table he did a Sword-Swallowing Act and drank out of the Sau5er. "We made a mistake in leaving him so long in the Tall Grass," said Mr. Tibbetts. "But now that we have tried the two Extremes, we know 1u-?t what to do with Art. We shall send him to a small Tows.. f where he may associate with bright Youth of his own age and yet be away from the distract ing and corrupting Influences of the Big City." Accordingly Art was farmed out to a Cousin residing in a drowsy Corpora tion of about 1,500 Souls, figuratively speaking. He went to the Grammar School and what he didn't learn :it School he learned in Back Alleys w.l Bo'x Cars. However, his Parents were happy in the Knowledge that he was beyond the influence of the gaudy Play House, tne gilded Buffet and the seductive Danc ing Academy. He was out where noth ing happened unless the Boys started it themselves. So they started it. When he was twenty, he was sent to the City, an extra fine Specimen of H . i 1 1 1 in.,! 1 1 i . I I i i i i I If !!''! rr iimr i ' V.iuii! lilt!) sU'-' .iiiiii ii 52 " ill tiCrri i 1 1 i i I I a w ii .1 1 Um m .w.-1 i i ii t mm "It Sounded Like a Crowd Coming In. knew his Village plied Art, for. he Repartee. "What do you propose to do for your self?" asked Mr. Tibbetts. "I want to. travel with a Street Car nival," replied Art. As the Boy appeared to be somewhat Lumpy about the Pockets, his Father threw him down and searched him, finding on his Person, a $2 Revolvef, a Package of Cigaroots, a lib Plug of Tobacco, a Deck of Playing Cards, and a pair of crooked Bones. "I have underrated the Educational Facilities of the Jay Town," said Mr. Tibbetts. -Lank is door-keeper in a in Coal for an old and well-known Firm, but I can see that you are going to outshine your Brothers. You are going to develop into a first-class Stick-up Guy and Second Story Worker." Moral: Keep him in a Barrel. (Copyright, 191. by the Bell Syn dicate, Inc.) Putting on the right-hand glove first is said to denote perpetual single blessedness; to lose one glove and not throw the other awaiv immediately is Gun-Play Movie and Chub is putting 1 held to foreshadow financial loss. what the Small Town can produce. He had his Hair combed down into his Eyes. He wore a punky little Derby, about, two sizes too small. The turn down Collar was four inches high, and he wore a navy-blue Cravat with a Copper Butterfly for a Scarf -Pin. Furthermore he had a Suit of Clothes that was intended for a flirtatious Brakeman. On his Lapel he had a Button Photograph of the Girl who worked in the Millinery Store. "Are you made up for a Masquerade or is this the regular Costume?" ask ed his Father. " 'Go 'way back and set down,' re- Special Sale of Used Trucks and Cars 5 Ford 1-Ton Trucks. 1 Ford Dead Wagon 1 Ford Jitney Bus. 1 Maxwell 1-Ton Truck 1 Vim 1-2-Ton Truck 3 Reo Speedwagons 1 Paige 5-passenger car 1 Reo 5-passenger Sedan 1 Reo 7-passenger Touring 2 Reo 5-passenger Cars 1 Reo 1921 six-cylinder Touring. Prices and terms will be made to suit you. Foreman -King Motor Co. Distributers CHARLOTTE, N. C. COLUMBIA, S. C. EVERY YEAR IS A REO YEAR I pfpiaMMw If ; , t $1438 u&h Canopy Top Expn Rf r , Prictt arm F, O. B. Lanmbtg, etlmm mvmciol Fmdmrat Tmm Tir" COAL ACTS We do not claim to havethe lowest price coal, but we do claim to have the best coal for the different uses you need and we always recommend the right coal for different stoves or furnaces. Tell us your fuel troubles and we will give you the correci coal. ORDER NOW. Avant Wood & Coal Co. Phones 402-403 -1
The Charlotte Observer (Charlotte, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
Sept. 11, 1921, edition 2
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