Dr. Silly Lines, relaxing at home, looks almost invisible..
Mi Excise;
by Charles fourier
Dr. Silly Lines has been arrested for
obscenity in connection with his
course "Kama Sutra and Political
Science." The course deals with the
various positions that political
scientists can take with other
professors and students, and discuss«
the relationships common in their
Work.
Students have alleged the
course had "no plot," and that "more
people than not" found it offensive.
They also objected to the intimate
tete-a-tetes with departmental
professors, ostensibly for advice in
Writing papers.
"I am only trying to bring this
repressed information out into the
open," Lines said. He claims that this
information hidden from
impressionable young minds by
non^jehaviorists, must be discussed in
the interests of freedom.
The course deals in sordid detail
with the games that political scientists
play. Lines has made a deliberate
attempt to initiate his students into the
rites of the computer center, and has
forced them to engage in perverted
behavior with various data.
Five independent witnesses sat in on
a recent class and will be witnesses for
fhe prosecution. They include a
minister, a housewife, two newspaper
reporters, and a distributor of
pornographic movies.
"I have seen enough pornography to
know what is obscene," the movie
distributor said, "and this is the worst.
His random sampling certainly
appealed to my purrient interests. And
the way he forced relationships on
unwilling variables was disgusting."
Angus Campbell, a Scottish
Presbyterian minister, had this to say:
I heard of a similar case at the Survey
Research Center and the University of
Michi^n. As a result of this type of
behavior, several professors went blind,
and their minds ceased to function."
"I don't like the way he insisted on
manipulating data in public,"
newspaper reporter Henry Wishful said.
L-ines, an admitted manipulator
during his early years, usually prefers
to manipulate in private. But, he says,
manipulating makes me happy and
releases inner tensions. I want to bring
this useful form of investigation into
the open.”
A news team from WBVD filmed the
cIms, but station management,
blowing its policy of prohibiting
w-rated material, refused to run it.
Two reporters have enrolled in the
class.
Haze Bruied, local columnist, first
heard of the case over his
' ell-lt-To-Haze line. He is asking
readers to contribute to a fund for a
used straightjacket, he said, "to get this
so-called expert out of our lovely
community and into a place where
they can treat him."
WASHINGTON - (CPS) - In an
unprecedented maneuver yesterday,
the chairman of the Federal
Communications Commission issued
orders to all radio and television
stations to forbid the performing of
three of the most popular songs in the
history of American popular music.
The songs are; "Blow," by Cole
Porter and "Cruising Down the River,"
and "Keep it Gay, Keep it Gay" by
Richard Rogers and Oscar
Hammerstein, II. The songs were
banned because they were rated No. 1,
NO. 2, and No. 3 respectively on the
"AII-TimeHomosexual Hit Parade" in a
poll conducted by the Gay Liberation
Front.
Failure to comply with the ruling
will result in a revocation of the
broadcaster's license and a $5,(KX) fine
and/or ten years in federal prison.
In light of this decision, various
grievance committees have filed
complaints with the Federal
Communications Commission for the
following songs to be banned:
"Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory of
the Coming of the Lord" —American
Society for the Blind.
"Puff the Magic Dragon"
—American Cancer Society.
"From Russia With Love"
-Daughters of the American
Revolution. . „ „ . ,
"Burning Bridges" -The Bank of
America.
news crap
page three/the Carolina enquirer/december 7, 1941
COME
The University has tightened its
policy on the distribution of Catalogs.
The reasons cited were rising printing
costs, an expanded Catalog, and lack of
increased State support
Distribution in the future will be
restricted to new students and to
transfer applicants. Admissions'
officers state that changes in the
Catalog are minimal and do not require
a currently-enrolled student to have a
copy.
Replacement Catalogs may be
purchased from the University
Bookstore for $1.00 per copy.
Requests by mail accompanied by the
$1.00 fee will be handled by the Office
of Admissions.
BACK
by mazola party
With tears dripping from his eyes, a
spokesman for the Biology Department
announced today at an impromptu
news conference the mysterious
disappearance of Dr. Herbert
Hechenbleikner. The illustrious
biologist, well-known around campus
for his best-seller "Pollination Can Be
Erotic," was noticed missing by his
classes for about two weeks before
anyone notified the Department.
Commented one student, "We just
used the class time playing tic-tac-toe
and one guy gave a lecture on his
hybrid marijuana seed farm."
The spokesman reported that "due
to circumstances beyond our control,
we have lost Dr. Hech. He was last seen
working in his lab on his latest reseafch
project, rumored to be funded by the
CIA, which involved the training and
disciplining of Venus Fly Traps."
Between sobs, it was learned that a
custodial staff member had been
located who witnessed the
"disappearance." Mr. Robert Jones, in
a sworn affadavit, said: "I looked In
the lab door to see if anyone was there
before I began to wax the floor. I saw
Dr. Hech near those wierd plants of
his, petting and rubbing them near the
top and saying things like, 'My little
pet, come on now, open up;' he was
trying to feed them things bits of beef
and finally, one of them opened up.
Hech reached in and I turned away to
get my bucket and pail. When I turned
around, I heard the plant burp and
.Hech's fly came flying out of the plant.
I waxed the floor and left."
The Biology Department, according
to the spokesman, ahs tried
unsuccessfully to induce vomiting in
the largest Venus plant, nicknamed
affectionately, "Little Big Zipper."
One colleague of Dr. Hech's reported
that "Zippy sort of smiled at me when
I asked him about Hech. That damn
carnivorous, over-grown weed is getting
a bit too cocky lately."
The family of Dr. Hech have
requested that donations may be made
in his name to the National Slush Fund
for Retarded Biologists in lieu of
flowers. Members of the Biology
Department have erected a life-size
replica of Hech's fly (the fly remains
burped out by "Zippy" were cremated
in accordance with CIA instructions)
on a plaque bearing this notation: "He
loved plants for all mankind; they
loved him, too."
A tight lid of security has been
clamped on the case by the CIA and
the plants are under 24-hour guard.
One of the Rent-a-Cops, who asked to
remain anonymous, said to this
reporter: "We have strict orders on this
mission. If one of these things so much
as twitches a blade in our direction, we
are shooting first and asking questions
later." The guard proceeded to finish
his lunch, which consisted of a stalk of
celery, two spring onions, and a turnip.
He was obviously watching over his
shoulder while he ate.
The Washington CIA office declined
to comment on the rigid security, but
one reporter overheard agents being
told: "Somehow someway, the
Communists are behind this sinister
plot. Maybe even the SDS. It's up to
you guys to prove it, any way you
can."
This story, and others like it, are
pure bullshit.
SHOWN HERE, an exclusive
copy of the last known photo
of Dr. Hech, posing with his
favorite plant, "Little Big
Zipper."
Zippy's parents took the
photo....
mm
HE SAID
NEW YORK - (CPS) - The latest
in the series of bootleg record albums
has brought angry comments from
record dealers here as well as a major
recording company.
"HeavyI" the hot selling bootleg
double album by the Archies, was
illegally produced from dub-over tapes
for the Ariches' Saturday morning
cartoon series. It is being distributed
through drug dealers and psychedelic
clubs in an inconspicuous orange jacket
with the word "HeavyI" printed in
Crayola on the upper left corner of the
label.
The bootleg double album is selling
for only 79 cents, while record dealers
are asking $5.95 for the latest legal
Archies L.P.on the Bubble Gum label.
Bubble Gum Records President
Leonard P. Shyster said he is "spitting
mad" about the popularity of the
illegal album. Hundreds of record
dealers this morning marched on
Shyster's New York office demanding
he find out who is responsible for the
bootleg album.
Shyster said it must be someone
with ABD Television which produces
the Archie Comedy Hour. "There's a
new girl on the staff by the name of
Sugar Sugar who might have something
to do with this vile act," Shyster said.
"I can understand young people
burning their draft boards and banks,
but tOyStoop so low as to sell illegal
Archies records... what is this society
coming to?"
"Heavy!" has reportedly sold at
least twelve copies so far on the
underground market.
THEimiillTHAT
couimrr die
A $5(X(X) advance tuition deposit
will be required from all continuing
students for next fall, by virtue of a
law passed by the 1971 North Carolina
General Assembly.
This law applies to every student
who is elegible to continue and desires
to enroll in August 1972 without
re-applying for admission.
The deposit will be applied toward
tuition and fees for the Fall Semester.
The law provides that the deposit
may be waived in the event of
hardship. Waiver Request forms should
be obtained from the Business Office
prior to May 5, 1972.
This information is contained in a
letter which is being mailed to each
currently-enrolled student.
UNCC graduates of the class of '68 are shown here posing for their
annual reunion. This year's event was held in the Me Lie province of South
Vietnam.
These fun-loving All-American boys, raised on apple pie and Mother's
milk, are giving their all for flag and country. The latest "all" foreground,
had no comments...
M
C«ll*|e Prtsi S«r