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RABBITS ARE THE
FRIENDS OF TOADS
HIS FATHER WAS A DARK HORSE....
Stan Patterson, long-time dope addict and sexual dwiate, was finally
errested and removed from office by the Administrations ®iit6
law-and-order team. Shown here, resisting arrest, Patterson was later visited
in his Reese Building cell by his mother. She reportedly brought him a
change of underwear and his copy of Waekly Reeder.
END OF
ADMINISTRATION
OVERTHROWSSGA
IN WELL-PLANNED
COUP....future of
planet earth in grave
doubt...
FOLLIES
GOODTIMES,
WONDERFULTIMES
by eric aparthereid
SGA Vice-President Ed Wayson
called an emergency session of the
Student Legislature last Monday night
as the rumors of an Administration
coup mounted. When the body was
assembled, Wayson spoke to calm their
fears, "Hell, there can't be any basis to
this rumor, we've never done anything
to call for that type of action. As a
matter of fact, looking back, we
haven't done anything at all."
Just as he finished that statement, as
if by cue, the legislators were startled
by the appearance at all four doors of
the Parquet room of a host of battle
ready campus security Police.
Immediate panic beset the legislators as
they at once all scrambled to try to
escape. Obviously having been trained
to control the situation, the Campus
Police quickly subdued the legislators
and forced them back to their seats,
and restored order -some said for the
first time that year.
However, the legislators protested
vigorously and at the entrance of
Vice-Chancellor McEniry, surrounded
by a phlanx of the newly knighted
storm Troopers, Wayson stood up and
raised his fist and shouted, "Goddamn
it, I'M the revolutionary on this
campus. You can't do this you fascist
pig." He was immediately pinioned and
subdued by two husky guards.
McEniry cooly strode to the
speaker's platform, his chin at its usual
cocky forty-five degree angle, surveyed
the terror-stricken delegates and said,
"You've done many thin^ in the past
which have made me a little hot, but
sending me that SAGA turkey was
going just a little bit too far. From now
on, I will rule this campus by decree.
"You are all under arrest."
From this point on pandemonium
reigned. It seemed as if every legislator
in the place was fighting to escape and
they certainly did give the Security
Police a run for their money. Legislator
Charlie Herndon was apprehended
trying to escape by carrying a cross on
his back through the police cordon.
President Pro-Tern Charlie Spriggs
a mad dash through the
vain attempt to reach his
Judiciary Committee
Bucky Winn was heard
screaming at the top of his lungs, "I'm
right. I'm right. My Committee's
always right," before being hit over the
head with a billy club.
Others of our valiant representatives
distingushed themselves honorably in
the exchange,' but one by one the
frightened solons were rounded up,
handcuffed and escorted to the
basement of the Reese Building where
attempted
lines in a
bicycle.
Chairman
they were incarcerated in cells built
specially for the occasion and
interrogated. Late reports indicate that
all are still alive and may be released in
time for classes April 10 if they tow
the line.
Fortunately for the UNCC Student
Body, not all of the legislators were
caught in the dragnet. It seems that,
fortuititously, James Cuthbertson had
left the meeting early to go to his
tennis practice. Several other
Legislators never attend any meetings
and therefore escaped arrest. They are
Dave Lazenby, Aubrey Hilliard, Parks
Warren, Charlie Fagan and Mike
Mayberry.
President Stan Patterson, who
escaped capture by standing by a
doorway and shaking everyone's hand
as they left — finally ducking into a
men's room, denounced the
Administration's action on nation-wide
television last night — seconds after the
event. Patterson said that he would set
up a government-in-exile composed of
the members who escaped and those
elected in the upcoming elections.
A high Administration source
reportedly said that after the elections
all the new legislators would be
rounded up and incarcerated. This
would tend to discourage students to
run for the vacant positions, it was
believed.
President Patterson himself is
wanted on a fugutive warrant by
Campus Police and just how long he
can evade capture is uncertain.
He said that a petition for redress of
grievances would be circulated among
the Student Body in the hope that the
Administration would relent and
release the jailed legislators. As of this
date there is no word of their
condition.
The government in exile voted later
that evening to release certain student
funds to purchase WWI carbines to use
for defense against further
Administrative harrassment. Currently,
they are attempting to recruit students
to serve on such a force and volunteers
may enlist at the Union desk.
Other armament additions are
expected to include an old Sherman
tank from Freedom Park to use against
the Campus Police's motor scooters.
Administrators are uncertain as to
whether or not they will call in the
Ohio State National Guard, noted for
its combat cool, to assist in stamping
out the counterrevolution.
Both Administration and the
Student Government-in-exile are urging
students to stay clear of any fracas
because it is unknown just what
weapons may have to be used.
Long-haired radical Ed Wayson
put up a valiant struggle against
opressive police tactics in the
SGA overthrow; Wayson, on his
back above, is placing his foot in a
strategic position of the
policeman's reproductive system.
BALLIN'WITH A PIG
ISN'T RECOMMENDED.,..
BRUTAL FORCE OVERWHELMS POOR
HAPLESS SGA LEADERS....
The Administration's coup was professionally organized and carried out.
Here two of UNCC's finest search dissident hippies and anarchists
Patterson and Wayson.
The search produced the following: an Ace comb, two pairs of white
gloves, a package of No-Doze, three stfange-looking brown cigarettes, a
hairlip, one dozen lubricated Shieks, and a tube of Rosy Red Yardley
Lipstick and Bubble Gum....
PAGES OF PROPAGANDA
AND/OR BULLSHIT
All propaganda in the Journal is
expressed on its editorial pages and all
unsigned editorials are the majority
opinion of the editor. Letters and
columns are the opinion of the
bumbling idiots who wrote them.
Opposing views may or may not be
printed by contacting the Editor,
depending on what kind of mood he's
page five/the journaler/october 12, 1492